The question of having children has recently come up in my relationship. My honey and I are very open and communicative about any and all things. With this subject we are both on the fence. We can't seem to decide one way or another.

For most of my life, I didn't put much thought into it. It wasn't a priority. However, I am 35 now, and I feel like I need to make up my mind once and for all. Otherwise, mother nature will be making it for me.

I can imagine a happy and fulfilled life either way. So, we have discussed the pros and cons at length. Still, we remain undecided. It is such a big decision!

So, I thought I would ask the blogosphere. Those of you with children, without children, planned, unplanned, what have you... What are the reasons you decided to have them or not? What do you think the most important thing to consider is?

At best, I figure I could be enlightened or inspired by someone else's thoughts and experience. At worst, It would be an interesting read.

Thank you in advance!

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To Spawn or Not to Spawn

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Spawn or spank? Fish spawn, humans don't.

I am 65 and chose not to have children, and had my tubes tied at 28. I almost got artif. Inseminated at 50, but after the first $300 just to SEE the doctor, and discussing the costs ($25,000 per try, I think), and considering fostering and adopting, I bought a condo instead. It wasn't that cold a decision... I sometimes wanted children, but on the Great Balance Sheet, no won. My mother wasn't the role model I wanted to be the kind of mother I would have wanted to be. And like her, I am too mercurial and unpredictable, not good for raising kids.
I have no visiting 35 year olds bringing kids with them... I'm on my own for old age. I have lots of wonderful nieces and nephews. Sure, it's not quite the same. I never try to hide mixed feelings from myself. But I do stand by my decision.

Here is one perspective for you and I am not looking for sympathy or advice or being melodramatic (at least I hope I'm not).
We are now in the category of senior citizens in our mid 60's. We had an only son who was killed in an accident 2 years ago at age 33. He had never been married and never had any children. We think that he would have had children if he had found the right lady and he was getting close.
The bottom line is that we have come to realize the differences of growing older without children or grandchildren as opposed to our previous outlook of growing old with one son and possibly grandchildren..
I won't go into them but these differences have totally changed our lives and plans for the rest of our life. For instance we have redone our wills and POA's about three times over the past two years- just as an example.
I can't recommend one way or the other. We have in-laws with no children who are in their mid-70's now and they have led very productive and interesting lives and still do.
We are gradually adjusting and we will enjoy the rest of our lives as much as possible but we will never be the same.
The bottom line of what I am trying to say here is that there are huge differences in my opinion between deciding to have children or not. We have dealt with all those differences in great detail for two years now. Try to think it through and consider all the factors that you will be subjected to for the next- possibly 50 years or more.
I am biased because I can't imagine the past -now 35 years--without our son in the mix. But some might say--you don't miss what you have never had.
You have weighed the pro and cons but just make sure that you haven't forgotten any. Have you considered who will look out for you when you are old and feeble, who will be there for big holidays etc? Maybe you have those things covered but there are many, many more--on both sides of the question.
I would definitely vote for having children but I know that I am biased and using hindsight in my comment.
This is from the father's viewpoint by the way.

If you both want to have children, and you are financially prepared and emotionally prepared, I say go for it!

Wow. This is exactly what I was hoping for. Different perspectives. Joypulv, do you feel you've gotten to do and see more? I mean, one of the things we are considering is the fact that we both LOVE to travel. He is actually a pilot. So we wonder if we'd get to travel as much. Plus, he being gone a lot means I would be a single parent half of the time. So much to consider!

Smearcase, your situation is very eye opening. Thank you for sharing. It really puts a different view on the question. I think having a child is the only oppurtunity a person ever has to watch the development of an individual from the beginning. How cool it must be to watch someone become who they are going to be from day one. We have discussed getting older. And having a child really doesn't guarantee that they will take care of you. But I understand your point. We are planning for retirement finacially. So, the rest is up to chance I suppose.
Jenniepepsi, thanks. But that's the problem, deciding if its something we want to do. Aye, we are probably over thinking it!

J9, I'm aware of that. The subject line was my lame attempt at playfulness and a nod to my man's favorite passtime, fishing.

If you are on the "fence" I would say no, don't, children are not like a puppy, where you can take it back if you make the wrong chocie.

You both need to be 110 percent sure you want a child, not 50/50 that maybe you do

I believe that interviews with thousands of parents reveal that almost all of them have had varying regrets about having had children. In other words, you have to expect to run the gamut of pain and pleasure over being parents. It often starts when pregnant, with women screaming 'get this thing out of me, I don't want it' in the delivery room. When they are grown, you breath a sigh of relief and plan your fun and freedom. When they are gone, you might suffer from empty nest. You might feel both.

If you love to travel and don't want to be home alone with babies - don't do it.
I didn't travel much, but I was able to live cheaply, and not be part of the rat race, which I preferred. I rarely worked full time.

Rarely worked full time? That is awesome that you made your life a priority and how you lived it. And the ups and downs I have seen with my siblings and their kids. So, you are so right about that. I guess I haven't had it put that way before.

As far as being 110% sure, FrChuck, I don't know a single parent that doesn't have some uncertainty going into it. I know if we decide to have children, we will be dedicated and loving parents. Its just the process of deciding to, when you have 2 overly analytical people together that can be a challenge. Actually, I have a sister and a few friends, who could have benefited from more deliberation, but that another story all together. I appreciate your feedback though and I think I get what you are saying.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

If you are on the "fence" I would say no, don't, children are not like a puppy, where you can take it back if you make the wrong chocie.

You both need to be 110 percent sure you want a child, not 50/50 that maybe you do

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I agree - if it is not 100% a mutual decision, both of you 100% behind having children, I wouldn't have children.

I couldn't have children. For me there was no choice. I don't regret not having children because I have never known any other life.

I do have 5 stepchildren.

It changes your life. You are not free to make the bigger risk choices in life, can not easily change jobs or move across country. There is a lot less me time, or "us" time for husband and wife.

A trip to the store is not just jumping in a car, it is loading a large bag, with baby supplies, and looks at times like moving day

In the late '60s, I got married two days after college graduation, taught school and when I was 24, I got pregnant. Twelve years went by while I raised two kids as a stay-at-home mom but volunteered at a nearby school (tutor, lunch mom, playground monitor, art and music leader) in order to keep my hand in. (Neighborhood moms took turns sitting each others' kids and sometimes the school allowed me to bring baby/toddler with me, depending on what was going on.) Once my kids were in school, I taught at that same school and worked evenings at the public library across the street from the school. That led me into a 30-year career in public libraries which happily gave me the flexibility to manage home and family as well as attend two different grad school programs. I was also able to write and traditionally publish four books on Texas and Illinois history during those years. (Working at a library helped a lot for research and connecting with librarians and local historians!)

I've had it all--marriage, family, pets, self-fulfillment. Would I do it again? You even ask?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

In the late '60s, I got married two days after college graduation, taught school and when I was 24, I got pregnant. Twelve years went by while I raised two kids as a stay-at-home mom but volunteered at a nearby school (tutor, lunch mom, playground monitor, art and music leader) in order to keep my hand in. (Neighborhood moms took turns sitting each others' kids and sometimes the school allowed me to bring baby/toddler with me, depending on what was going on.) Once my kids were in school, I taught at that same school and worked evenings at the public library across the street from the school. That led me into a 30-year career in public libraries which happily gave me the flexibility to manage home and family as well as attend two different grad school programs. I was also able to write and traditionally publish four books on Texas and Illinois history during those years. (Working at a library helped a lot for research and connecting with librarians and local historians!)

I've had it all--marriage, family, pets, self-fulfillment. Would I do it again? You even ask?

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Oh my goodness, you are Wondergirl! I LOVE history. I have an obsession with Ben Franklin. Recently, I have started taking evening and online classes at UNT to get a BA in history. Currently, I have an associates degree in applied Science. That is mainly because I didn't know what I wanted to do when I left high school. Now, I am in corporate America. I do well income wise and I do enjoy my coworkers. But I have decided at this age, to leave the corporate world to teach history. I am not sure how long it will take to finish because I can only afford to go part time. I never considered working at a library. That is genius! It would be worth it if I could get even one person as in love with history as I am. Perhaps, this is all I needed to hear: that it IS possible to have it all. I think that may be the key. I have been looking at it as a choice, one or the other. I hadn't considered the possibility that I might pull off getting everything. Imagine that!

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

It changes your life. You are not free to make the bigger risk choices in life, can not easily change jobs or move accross country. There is a lot less me time, or "us" time for husband and wife.

A trip to the store is not just jumping in a car, it is loading a large bag, with baby supplies, and looks at times like moving day

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I remember growing up with my four siblings. Every outing was a production. Forgetting homework and lunches, and the youngest soiling her diaper, as soon as we were in the car. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at my mother with admiration that she even survived! My only wish is that I could pull it off as gracefully as she has.

I have two kids and I adore them. I can't imagine my life without them. I'm a kid at heart with lots of energy so I now had someone to play with. :-)

I love being their teacher and exposing them to new experiences: corn maze, whale watching, taking the Metro in Montrewal, etc... As one enters teenagehood it'll be interesting - I see a lot of me in her. :D

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Originally Posted by NeedKarma

As one enters teenagehood it'll be interesting - I see a lot of me in her. :D

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Heaven help us all!

It does offer moments of introspection, hehe. She's a sweety, but I remember the teenage years, I know they break out of it in the end.

My mom used to tell my rule-breaking brother, I hope someday you have a son just like you. And he did. That son just had his first son. Wonder if the tradition will continue?

I had 4 teenage boys in the house at one time. I felt more like a WWF reffree than a parent most of the time. We could not have any breakable dishes for years.

I used to think one was hard... then I added two more... Now I sit and reminisce about how life was so much easier with just the one. :)