I know this is probably a frequently asked question, but my issue is mainly that I've tried talking to him about it, he doesn't care about how I feel on the matter, he just tells me that he's not going to change or stop and I should get over it.
I've also asked to watch porn together, try and make it something we do together, he doesn't want to.
He downloads multiple videos of the same porn stars, like they are his favorites or something.

I'm not so much worried about him watching porn as actually downloading it, saving it, especially as it is of the same couple of women.

Our relationship isn't exactly perfect anyway, everything used to be about hm and what he wants regardless of my feelings, but lately he has been putting in the effort to change, do what's needed in any relationship to keep it going, but this porn issue has never ceased and I don't know what to do about it.

Also, I don't snoop, we live together, all the movies download onto his laptop, I use his laptop to watch the movies and shows he has, and he usually has his porn hidden in movie folders, so I'll be trying to watch inception or something and Gianna Michaels wonderful tits and starts playing. It's disgusting and makes me feel inferior, like even though I do heaps in the bedroom, lots of different things, constantly trying to spice things up, he'd rather watch her do it than have sex with me. I'm 5'7" and curvy but slim, I have hardly any fat on me, and I've been told I'm pretty and any guy would love to have me, so why doesn't mine?

First off, you DO need to get over it or move out... its his right as an adult.. and you have no right to dictate either way on it.

Your real problem is you lack self esteem, doing anything but facing it and dealing with it is hiding from the real problem.

Nobody else can make you feel good about yourself... that comes from within.

If he is trying to be better about other parts of your relationship, I would let the porn issue go. It really has nothing to do with his relationship with you. The more you try to get him to stop watching these particular stars the more he will get defensive and the more damaging to your relationship it will become.

Viewing porn and masturbation are about a quick fix without having to worry about a partner's needs. It shouldn't be taking anything away from what you share as a couple. However, it may be a part of his life that he wants to keep to himself. Only he could tell you why, but I could make a guess that is one thing he feels like he is in full control over. It is 'his' not 'ours'. It is part of his individuality.

Many people download porn to watch at other times. The subject matter is a fantasy. It isn't what he wants in his life and bed. You are or he wouldn't be trying to fix the relationship.

Have you asked him why is he hiding the porn if he feels it is okay to watch and why 'hide' it inside the folders of movies he knows you will be watching? Does he want you using his computer? Is this a passive way of telling to stop watching movies on his computer?

If he is okay with sharing the computer, make a compromise, he stops hiding his downloads especially where you can accidentally view it and you will leave him alone about it.

Have your own stash of erotica and enjoy having your 'me' time, too. It is good for both of you to explore your own bodies and minds. It can help you develop ideas and fantasies to share with each other.

This is probably a frequently asked question, what should I do if porn usage by my partner is really bothering me?
It's not so much that he watches it, more so that it's usually heaps of the same porn star, our sex life wavers even though I'm very willing to do and try new things, I've even tried asking to watch porn with him, we tried it once but he wouldn't do it with his porn, we had to go onto websites, it's like his is sacred or something.

Also, when I've asked him not to stop but just to stop downloading so much of one girl he doesn't.

I don't know this because I snoop, I know this because the idiot hides his porn inside other movie folders, so I'll go to watch inception and gianna michaels big titties starts playing.

It's also effected my porn watching habits, I used to watch it every now and then, and now just the thought disgusts me. My partner has made me resent it as I feel he chooses porn over me consistently.

We don't have a perfect relationship, it's been very rocky, he's actually been unfaithful,which is why it worries me that he doesn't want to talk about my problem with this(or many other issues for that matter) but lately he's really been making the effort to be good to me, and I've been so happy, but the porn issue has come up again, again with not communicating, and even before I confronted him about pron recently he's been very different and acting a little strange. Not sure if the two are related but I would like an outside view on the matter as I am sick of feeling inferior to what are essentially dolled up whores.

Especially as I am 5'7", have been told I am extremely attractive, used to be a model, and I am a great girlfriend. I am always supportive no matter what he wants to do, including pursuing a music career, I do everything a good girlfriend should and we are even considering children and buying a house together soon.

So I don't really understand how this is such a big issue for him to discuss with me. It constantly feels like if I have an opinion on something that differs to his, there's rarely ever a discussion, I'm wrong and just over reacting and he's right, and if I don't like it I can leave. I'm not to sure what to do and I would like an outsiders opinion on the matter.
Any opinion would be much appreciated.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

First off, you DO need to get over it or move out...its his right as an adult..and you have no right to dictate either way on it.

Your real problem is you lack self esteem, doing anything but facing it and dealing with it is hiding from the real problem.

Nobody else can make you feel good about yourself...that comes from within.

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I'm sorry I never said he can't watch it. I used to watch it myself. The fact he is replacing real sex with watching porn when I am not there, busting my , making more money than him to help him pursue his career in music. I've been cheated on by him, I've put up with his treating me like , and now that everything else has got better, I was hoping thos would too. He would at least watch it with me. I don't see how that is being unreasonable.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

If he is trying to be better about other parts of your relationship, I would let the porn issue go. It really has nothing to do with his relationship with you. The more you try to get him to stop watching these particular stars the more he will get defensive and the more damaging to your relationship it will become.

Viewing porn and masturbation are about a quick fix without having to worry about a partner's needs. It shouldn't be taking anything away from what you share as a couple. However, it may be a part of his life that he wants to keep to himself. Only he could tell you why, but I could make a guess that is one thing he feels like he is in full control over. It is 'his' not 'ours'. It is part of his individuality.

Many people download porn to watch at other times. The subject matter is a fantasy. It isn't what he wants in his life and bed. You are or he wouldn't be trying to fix the relationship.

Have you asked him why is he hiding the porn if he feels it is okay to watch and why 'hide' it inside the folders of movies he knows you will be watching? Does he want you using his computer? Is this a passive way of telling to stop watching movies on his computer?

If he is okay with sharing the computer, make a compromise, he stops hiding his downloads especially where you can accidentally view it and you will leave him alone about it.

Have your own stash of erotica and enjoy having your 'me' time, too. It is good for both of you to explore your own bodies and minds. It can help you develop ideas and fantasies to share with each other.

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We live together, have done for the last 2.5 years. We share a computer as we can't afford for me to have my own just now, as I am helping him pay for all the equipment for his music adventures. He's putting them in folders he thinks I won't watch the movies of, horror, etc. he obviously doesn't know me well enough.

I'm not trying to change him, but he won't communicate about it.

He controls the whole relationship, all I ask is to be able to have a voice in it, in what affects the both of us.

Is that wrong now?

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Originally Posted by TheIndiePixie

I'm sorry I never said he can't watch it. I used to watch it myself. The fact he is replacing real sex with watching porn when I am not there, busting my , making more money than him to help him pursue his career in music. I've been cheated on by him, I've put up with his treating me like , and now that everything else has got better, I was hoping thos would too. He would at least watch it with me. I don't see how that is being unreasonable.

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He's entitled to whack off when you aren't around, just as much as you are entitle to twiddle yourself when he isn't.

The only alternative to that is he goes out and finds a real female to bang when you aren't there,. and I don't think that would be acceptable.

Read again what you are saying again.

And yes... telling what he can and can't do IS very unreasonable. Even if you was his WIFE it would be unreasonable.

You aren't his momma, or his boss, and certainly not his owner. Work on understanding what the term partner means.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

He's entitled to whack off when you aren't around, just as much as you are entitle to twiddle yourself when he isn't.

The only alternative to that is he goes out and finds a real female to bang when you aren't there,..and I don't think that would be acceptable.

Read again what you are saying again.

And yes...telling what he can and can't do IS very unreasonable. Even if you was his WIFE it would be unreasonable.

You aren't his momma, or his boss, and certainly not his owner. Work on understanding what the term partner means.

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Ithink you are either misunderstanding me or straight away getting your guard up thinking I'm trying to hold him back and control him.

I am bothered that it affects our relationship. It isn't an issue unless it stunts the relationship.

And currently it is. I am asking people what I should to to make peace with the issue and make my relationship work again, I'm not trying to copy trio him, I just feel like I deserve a bit more respect than what he is giving me...

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Originally Posted by TheIndiePixie

Ithink you are either misunderstanding me or straight away getting your guard up thinking I'm trying to hold him back and control him.

I am bothered that it affects our relationship. It isn't an issue unless it stunts the relationship.

And currently it is. I am asking people what I should to to make peace with the issue and make my relationship work again, I'm not trying to copy trio him, I just feel like I deserve a bit more respect than what he is giving me...

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I am going by your own words in this thread, and I think I did read it very clearly... and I still think I am spot on accurate.

Wife outranks girlfriend every day.. and even wife doesn't outrank husband... they are equals.

That means because YOU have an issue of low self esteem.. you aren't in a position to be dictating what another adult can and can't do to make yourself avoid having to deal with that issue head on..

I don't see an issue with and porn in the relationship... I see YOU alone making an issue of it.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I am going by your own words in this thread, and I think I did read it very clearly....and I still think I am spot on accurate.

Wife outranks girlfriend every day..and even wife doesn't outrank husband...they are equals.

That means because YOU have an issue of low self esteem..you aren't in a position to be dictating what another adult can and can't do to make yourself avoid having to deal with that issue head on..

I don't see an issue with and porn in the relationship...I see YOU alone making an issue of it.

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I meant that I may not be getting across what I mean.
But if you were cheated on by a partner, took them back, still had to deal with bull until they realized you were too good to lose and started acting right, they start trying harder to make things work! But when It comes to sex, things still dwindle. Even though you offer to spice things up, they're not interested, but they consistently watch porn of the same two or three porn stars.

When I try talk to him about trying to have sex more he's not interested. It is affecting my relationship. We are planning on buying a house together, having kids, etc.

He says I'm his first priority, yet especially in the bedroom, porn and protecting his porn is more important. Doesn't even want to try share the experience wi me every now and again.

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Originally Posted by TheIndiePixie

I'm sorry I never said he can't watch it. I used to watch it myself. The fact he is replacing real sex with watching porn when I am not there, busting my , making more money than him to help him pursue his career in music. I've been cheated on by him, I've put up with his treating me like , and now that everything else has got better, I was hoping thos would too. He would at least watch it with me. I don't see how that is being unreasonable.

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I have a whole different take on this...

Ok, first of all, I don't think you are being unreasonable. You are WILLING to watch porn with him. You aren't saying that he CAN'T watch porn, you just would like to be involved. Fair enough.

Second, you would just like that he choose YOU over porn when you are more than willing. Fair enough.

This is how I see it... I DON'T think you have a low self esteem, I just think you want more participation on his part. Fair enough.

Bottom line. He seems selfish, to me that is. Well, based on what you have said.

So now what? I think you need to have a seriuos talk with him. Explain to him how you feel. This goes way beyond the porn, and deep down you know that.

You need to either accept his porn or leave him, It from your own post is not effecting your sex life, except it seem to the point that you are snooping though his computer looking for what he is watching.

I see that you created a second thread with more information that was merged with this one.

Like Enigma, I don't think you low self-esteem or are that concerned about porn in general. I do think you are concerned about his focusing on only one or two actresses, hiding the porn, not communicating about anything (especially the porn), not trying to work with you to have a mutually satisfying sex-life, and the possibility that he could be cheating again.

Why did you take him back after he cheated? I don't care why he came back (I can guess he found out the other person(s) wouldn't support him.) But why take him back? What was the agreement for getting back together?

I have read your posts and I see a lot of what you do for him. What does he do for you? Be honest with yourself. Is the relationship working out because you are both putting work into it or are you holding on to the past hoping he will wise up and want what you do? I know you say that you talk about a house and children. But who is paying for expenses now? How well is his music career actually doing? How much work is he putting into it? (If he is stressed about his career, it could be a clue as to why he is more involved with masturbation than intercourse. Stress is a huge libido limiter.)

From what you have said about his behavior, I think he is doing just enough to keep you supporting him. I hope I am wrong. If I am right, it won't matter how much you love him. He will be leaving you holding the bills, the mortgage and the diapers. I highly suggest wedding plans before house and children plans.

May everything work out for the best.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

You need to either accept his porn or leave him, It from your own post is not effecting your sex life, except it seem to the point that you are snooping though his computer looking for what he is watching.

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I don't snoop, we share a computer ATM. And I'm not Ieaving over this, I've put up with a lot worse, I just want to fix it.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

I have a whole different take on this...

Ok, first of all, I don't think you are being unreasonable. You are WILLING to watch porn with him. You aren't saying that he CAN'T watch porn, you just would like to be involved. Fair enough.

Second, you would just like that he choose YOU over porn when you are more than willing. Fair enough.

This is how I see it... I DON'T think you have a low self esteem, I just think you want more participation on his part. Fair enough.

Bottom line. He seems selfish, to me that is. Well, based on what you have said.

So now what? I think you need to have a seriuos talk with him. Explain to him how you feel. This goes way beyond the porn, and deep down you know that.

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He was brought up in a very selfish environment, brought up to look out for himself and himself only. He also had a really crazy ex who he was engaged to who ed him over, which I think makes him not always want to listen to me as he doesn't want to be whipped again.

He's really been making the effort, I do honestly believe out of anyone he knows, he does more for me and puts in so much effort, and it does keep getting better, but there are little things like the lack of communication that's always there in the back ground that seem to be the underlying problem, and he doesn't ever seem to keen to discuss it. And when he does, if I get the slightest bit emotional or start talking a bit louder because I'm upset, he switches off and starts ignoring me, and then I can't talk about it for the rest of the nit or he will just ignore me.

I love him and I don't want anyone else, I really think we are meant to be together, but at the same time I didn't think relationships should be so hard if you truly love each other and want what's best for one another, at least not internally, just from outside influences like family or distance or whatever...

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I see that you created a second thread with more information that was merged with this one.

Like Enigma, I don't think you low self-esteem or are that concerned about porn in general. I do think you are concerned about his focusing on only one or two actresses, hiding the porn, not communicating about anything (especially the porn), not trying to work with you to have a mutually satisfying sex-life, and the possibility that he could be cheating again.

Why did you take him back after he cheated? I don't care why he came back (I can guess he found out the other person(s) wouldn't support him.) But why take him back? What was the agreement for getting back together?

I have read your posts and I see a lot of what you do for him. What does he do for you? Be honest with yourself. Is the relationship working out because you are both putting work into it or are you holding on to the past hoping he will wise up and want what you do? I know you say that you talk about a house and children. But who is paying for expenses now? How well is his music career actually doing? How much work is he putting into it? (If he is stressed about his career, it could be a clue as to why he is more involved with masturbation than intercourse. Stress is a huge libido limiter.)

From what you have said about his behavior, I think he is doing just enough to keep you supporting him. I hope I am wrong. If I am right, it won't matter how much you love him. He will be leaving you holding the bills, the mortgage and the diapers. I highly suggest wedding plans before house and children plans.

May everything work out for the best.

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Yeah I am new to this site. I'm still learning haha

I took him back because he swear he'd change and that he wanted to be what I needed from him as a partner(which isn't much) and I honestly believed him, and he has been honestly, on and off, but it's all progressively getting better.

I feel like for ages there it was a one sided thing but that lately he has been pulling his weight in the relationship which is good. I am happy with his progress, but sometimes I worry I've been treated so for so long that I think borderline OK treatment is very good :/

He has a job, but I am earni more than him. By the time bills are paid, anything extra usually all comes out of my pay, like his guitars or amps or anything else. I hardly ever have money for my own hobbies or just abut of retail therapy. And he doesn't steal my money as such, if I said I want to buy something before he buys what he wants, usually I'll get to buy whatever I wanted, but I don't like the fact our bank account is usually empty by next pay time.

I've told him I will not buy a house with him bless we are engaged at least. And I want to be married before the kids. He never seems to say much in return because Ithink he knows it's something I won't waver on.
I hope that he really does love me and want it to work,but I do wo der if I'm just a convenience, a trophy girlfriend and a good support net for him, even though I get barely any from him.
If I'm upset, I'm over reacting. He said that when I was crying about my aunts dying before he knew that was why I was crying. He just assumes it has to be something stupid.

I think he's getting better I'm just scared its not fast enough before I lose my patience and drop his .

I love him more than anything but I've had my share of being manipulated and it's not happening anymore.

Any ideas on how I should proceed?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I see that you created a second thread with more information that was merged with this one.

Like Enigma, I don't think you low self-esteem or are that concerned about porn in general. I do think you are concerned about his focusing on only one or two actresses, hiding the porn, not communicating about anything (especially the porn), not trying to work with you to have a mutually satisfying sex-life, and the possibility that he could be cheating again.

Why did you take him back after he cheated? I don't care why he came back (I can guess he found out the other person(s) wouldn't support him.) But why take him back? What was the agreement for getting back together?

I have read your posts and I see a lot of what you do for him. What does he do for you? Be honest with yourself. Is the relationship working out because you are both putting work into it or are you holding on to the past hoping he will wise up and want what you do? I know you say that you talk about a house and children. But who is paying for expenses now? How well is his music career actually doing? How much work is he putting into it? (If he is stressed about his career, it could be a clue as to why he is more involved with masturbation than intercourse. Stress is a huge libido limiter.)

From what you have said about his behavior, I think he is doing just enough to keep you supporting him. I hope I am wrong. If I am right, it won't matter how much you love him. He will be leaving you holding the bills, the mortgage and the diapers. I highly suggest wedding plans before house and children plans.

May everything work out for the best.

---

Another thing I feel I should add, I know he is changing just by sweet little things he now does mere never used to, flowers every now and then, cuddles etc. I'm very pleased with his progress. He thinks of me a lot and considers inks I want or need when he is out, and we usually spend most of our time together, mainl because he has no friends and I like his company, plus by the time I get home from work it's too late to do anything with anyone anyway.
I just notice he usually only takes my opinions and needs into thought as long as it doesn't conflict with what he wants.he has sometimes, but not often, and the few times were because he was doing things like being of a dating site while we were together and and everyone including his family who love me told him he was bei an idiot and that he'll lose me if he doesn't get his together.

All up though I feel he is improving, and I just hope it continues...