Ask Me Help Desk - Dealing with his ex wife at family occasions

I have been with my partner for over two years now. I have met all his family and get along really well with them and they are very fond of me. He was married for 24 years and his family of course have know his ex wife all that time and are still friends with her. I have only been to a couple of things with his family e.g. a bbq where she was not invited so was not present. However, now there are two family christenings coming up and I have been invited with my partner. However, because my partners youngest daughter is still getting used to the idea of me being in her dad's life plus her mum talks badly about me my partner has said it will be too awkward at this moment in time for me to be present in case his ex wife causes a scene. This is possible as she is unstable. The ex wife has said it doesn't matter if I am there but she will not speak to me or interact with me. His daughter is terrified of a scene occurring so my partner has asked me to stay away until a time in the near future when I become more reconciled with his daughter. I do understand the situation as his ex wife has a history of causing trouble and caused a lot of hurt and drama in their lives in the past. I have no control over the fact that his lovely family invite her but think its dreadfully unfair that I have to miss out because of this awful predicament. My partner assures me this will resolve itself with time and with me meeting with his daughter again and us becoming more reconciled. I am angry with him and with his ex wife but have no choice but not to go. Any advice...

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Originally Posted by Fay2012

I have been with my partner for over two years now. I have met all his family and get along really well with them and they are very fond of me. He was married for 24 years and his family of course have know his ex wife all that time and are still friends with her. I have only been to a couple of things with his family eg a bbq where she was not invited so was not present. However, now there are two family christenings coming up and I have been invited with my partner. However, because my partners youngest daughter is still getting used to the idea of me being in her dad's life plus her mum talks badly about me my partner has said it will be too awkward at this moment in time for me to be present in case his ex wife causes a scene. This is possible as she is unstable. The ex wife has said it doesnt matter if I am there but she will not speak to me or interact with me. His daughter is terrified of a scene occuring so my partner has asked me to stay away until a time in the near future when I become more reconciled with his daughter. I do understand the situation as his ex wife has a history of causing trouble and caused a lot of hurt and drama in their lives in the past. I have no control over the fact that his lovely family invite her but think its dreadfully unfair that I have to miss out because of this awful predicament. My partner assures me this will resolve itself with time and with me meeting with his daughter again and us becoming more reconciled. I am angry with him and with his ex wife but have no choice but not to go. Any advice...

I'm the stepmother to 5 so I know a lot about what you are saying. How long was the period between his divorce and your relationship with him? At one point my stepdaughter told a family member that I was the reason behind her father's divorce and she could never forgive me. I MET him 12 years after he was divorced. Her father talked to her, and she came around.

When family gatherings are involved I depend on my stepchildren to tell me their level of comfort. If they were/are uncomfortable, I don't go. If they feel it is something within their comfort zone, I do go.

In my case it was never about my relationship with my husband. It was more about his relationship with his children. Of course, we were married. (He has since passed away.)

Sometimes you have to occupy yourself with other friends, and he has to do what he has to do.

If I were in your shoes would I feel like I was in second place? Quite frankly, yes, I would. You can't go to functions with him because his wife is "batso." Well, I'd be more concerned about the children and the effect on them than anything else at this point.

I think your partner needs to handle this, and that might involve you swallowing hard and staying home.

Thank you JudyKaytee, I have been divorced over 3 years and he about 2 and a half years. Our children who are aged 16 and 20 (my boys) and 18 and 20 (his girls) know about our relationship for almost a year now. You are right thank you, my concern is not re myself and his ex wife but for the impact on his youngest daughter. As she is so concerned and afraid of her mothers reaction it is best I stay away at the moment. I know her (the daughter) and have met up with her a few times and she likes me and vice versa but she is more under her mother's influence than her older sister who is at university. I guess I need to build up more of a relationship with her so she handles these occasions better. So, only because of his daughters worries am I not attending but this needs to be resolved very soon as I do feel 'left out and excluded'. It is a very difficult situation. My partner has attended a couple of weddings with me recently mixing with all my friends and family so it hurts even more. But, I will swallow hard for now and trust it will get easier and sorted soon. It's great to hear you are a stepmother to 5 and that you have worked it out:) Thx again

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fay2012

Thank you JudyKaytee, I have been divorced over 3 years and he about 2 and a half years. Our children who are aged 16 and 20 (my boys) and 18 and 20 (his girls) know about our relationship for almost a year now. You are right thank you, my concern is not re myself and his ex wife but for the impact on his youngest daughter. As she is so concerned and afraid of her mothers reaction it is best I stay away at the moment. I know her (the daughter) and have met up with her a few times and she likes me and vice versa but she is more under her mother's influence than her older sister who is at university. I guess I need to build up more of a relationship with her so she handles these occasions better. So, only because of his daughters worries am I not attending but this needs to be resolved very soon as I do feel 'left out and excluded'. It is a very difficult situation. My partner has attended a couple of weddings with me recently mixing with all my friends and family so it hurts even more. But, I will swallow hard for now and trust it will get easier and sorted soon. It's great to hear you are a stepmother to 5 and that you have worked it out:) Thx again

I know - it takes a lot of swallowing hard sometimes. In so many ways it's not fair to you, not fair to him, not fair to anyone BUT I don't see an alternative.

I am stepgrandmother to 4 (1, 2, 3, 4 years of age) - all of them call me "Grandma" but the one whose mother "won't allow it." Needless to say her child is confused why I am Judy to him and Grandma to everyone else.

Sometimes you just swallow hard.