Ask Me Help Desk - How to get myself up and work?

Myboyfreind of 10 years and 5 months( even though we had know each other longer) passed away July 18, 2012. He was the only one that ever truly knew me and I him, he was mt best friend ( my only true friend) , my soul mate, the very breath that I breath... And so many other things. I just cannot understand was going on. I like some one else said suffer from bouts of depression. I am total lost without him... My heart is gone! I feel like a zombie with no purpose... He family has shut me out of his home and stopped talking to me. All I have or memories of him talking of them. He used to say they love you. I would say no you love me. Then he would reply they know how much I love. My family can't talk to them... I know everyone grieves different. But my life is over... Don't have anyone to talk to that knew him like me. Im broke, have to go back to work don't know how. How do you get yourself up and face another day of this numbness, sadness, confusion, emptiness, loneliness, pain, and sorrow? I'm not young my life is over... but I'm still here don't understand how I'm suppose to be! I've read so many thing about it... Still makes no sense.. Don't know how to get up and move... 8 weeks ago today was our last weekend together. He cooked and we sat in the rockers on the porch he bought for us.. I think he's mom is taking them. Don't know there not telling me anything. All I wanted to do is go to his house and spend time with our memories... were we lived together. I want to go tie a yellow ribbon around this oak tree in his yard... How do I get up and work? I feel like the plague when people see me coming they think I should be better... I will never be better ! Please help!

Hunger, the possibility of the utilities being shut off and the possibility of eviction if you don't get money to pay the bills is usually a potent motivation in the short term. In the long term we all lose someone and we all learn to get past it.

And of course Therapy and counseling can help speed that along but you need a job and insurance to have the ability to pay them...

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Hunger, the possibility of the utilities being shut off and the possibility of eviction if you don't get money to pay the bills is usually a potent motivation in the short term. In the long term we all lose someone and we all learn to get past it.

And of course Therapy and counseling can help speed that along but you need a job and insurance to have the ability to pay them....

How do you do this... He was the strongest kindest man I have ever known... My heart went with him when we put him in the ground. I still don't believe he's gone and that makes no sense because... I'm just so alone.. No one to express this pain too.. It seems my family has already moved on.. They don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't have a choice. I thought I might hear from someone that's this has happen to... He was the most beautiful person he was only 53! We had our dreams in front of us. Now I have no idea who I am or how to do the thing I do without him. Thank for your reply I do know I have to just don't know how. I went to a grief counseler last week and will go again. Just thought I could ask for more advice from someone who's has. Even though this pain call grief!

Celebrate his life! Create a blog in his honor and recount your adventures together so others can enjoy reading and learn from it. Plant a tree or bush in his memory or even an entire memory garden. Start a scholarship or small foundation in his memory -- to benefit an animal shelter or a hospital or even a school. Be proud of who he was and of your love for him!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sue53

How do you do this... He was the strongest kindest man I have ever known.... My heart went with him when we put him in the ground. I still don't believe he's gone and that makes no sense because... I'm just so alone.. No one to express this pain too.. It seems my family has already moved on.. They don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't have a choice. I thought I might hear from someone that's this has happen to... He was the most beautiful person he was only 53! We had our dreams in front of us. Now I have no idea who I am or how to do the thing I do without him. Thank for your reply I do know I have to just don't know how. I went to a grief counseler last week and will go again. Just thought I could ask for more advice from someone who's has. Even though this pain call grief!

I was widowed so, yes, I understand. The grief of losing your partner is unlike any other grief. You come home from any other funeral and your partner comforts you. When it's your partner you come home to an empty house. I do not remember the first week after my husband died. If you're lucky you turn into a robot. I did.

I found that what helped me - and everyone grieves in a different manner, this could be useless to you - was doing what gave me comfort at that minute. If I felt like making a scrapbook, looking at photos, taking a walk, that's what I did. If putting reminders away and not looking at them, that's what I did. I broke my day into chunks of time and a schedule - get up at XAM. I have the luxury of being self employed, but I was sure I was in my office no later than XAM. Lunch at a certain time. Okay, half the day was gone. Dinner at a set time - and there were nights when dinner was a glass of milk. Bedtime at a certain time. Lights out at a certain time.

I had the benefits of having dogs, and they had no one but me to care for them, so I had to get out of bed, I had to make a living, I had to go on. I found after 3 months the grief was a little bit better. At 6 months it was worse than ever. I spiraled up and down the entire first year. After the first anniversary (and the first anniversary of everything without him), when I did have the anticipation of remembering last year, when he was with me, it did get easier.

My advice to you? Take care of yourself. Make sure you sleep, eat. You don't see it now, but it does get easier. No two people grieve the same, and you need to keep that in mind.

The hard fact is that your life will never be the same - life will be good again, but it will never be the same.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Words can't express how sorry I am.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sue53

How do you do this... He was the strongest kindest man I have ever known.... My heart went with him when we put him in the ground. I still don't believe he's gone and that makes no sense because... I'm just so alone.. No one to express this pain too.. It seems my family has already moved on.. They don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't have a choice. I thought I might hear from someone that's this has happen to... He was the most beautiful person he was only 53! We had our dreams in front of us. Now I have no idea who I am or how to do the thing I do without him. Thank for your reply I do know I have to just don't know how. I went to a grief counseler last week and will go again. Just thought I could ask for more advice from someone who's has. Even though this pain call grief!

I didn't lose a spouse... but I have lost two girlfriends in the past to drunk drivers... and lost a parent to cancer.

First thing to do is get off your butt and out of the house and occupy yourself with something productive. That takes you mind off it some of the day and that makes it easier to deal with the grief and to get past it. And every day is too precious to waste.

Sitting around brooding all the time is only going to prolong the misery. I'm not intending to be mean or calous about it... but life goes on... everyone dies... and unless you die as a child, everyone has to deal with such losses.

The sooner you get off you butt and get back to doing the things you always did, the sooner you will get out of the rut you are in. And doing so isn't disrespectul to the deceased... and I'm certain they wouldn't want to see you moping around. YOu keep them alive in your heart and you memories... and get on with life... because none of us are here forever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I was widowed so, yes, I understand. The grief of losing your partner is unlike any other grief. You come home from any other funeral and your partner comforts you. When it's your partner you come home to an empty house. I do not remember the first week after my husband died. If you're lucky you turn into a robot. I did.

I found that what helped me - and everyone grieves in a different manner, this could be useless to you - was doing what gave me comfort at that minute. If I felt like making a scrapbook, looking at photos, taking a walk, that's what I did. If putting reminders away and not looking at them, that's what I did. I broke my day into chunks of time and a schedule - get up at XAM. I have the luxury of being self employed, but I was sure I was in my office no later than XAM. Lunch at a certain time. Okay, half the day was gone. Dinner at a set time - and there were nights when dinner was a glass of milk. Bedtime at a certain time. Lights out at a certain time.

I had the benefits of having dogs, and they had no one but me to care for them, so I had to get out of bed, I had to make a living, I had to go on. I found after 3 months the grief was a little bit better. At 6 months it was worse than ever. I spiraled up and down the entire first year. After the first anniversary (and the first anniversary of everything without him), when I did have the anticipation of remembering last year, when he was with me, it did get easier.

My advice to you? Take care of yourself. Make sure you sleep, eat. You don't see it now, but it does get easier. No two people grieve the same, and you need to keep that in mind.

The hard fact is that your life will never be the same - life will be good again, but it will never be the same.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Words can't express how sorry I am.

Thank you so much , that made sense if not for a moment, because it just does! I went to a grief recover meeting tonight and that made a little sense as well, because most thing don't. I have been reading a lot of things on line of people like me that seem to bring comfort in this crazy unexplainable way! There is a song that replays over and over in my mind... not our song just one We know... It won't rain all the time and your tears won't fall forever! Thank you again for your kindness and I as well am sorry for your loss!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sue53

Thank you so much , that made sense if not for a moment, because it just does! I went to a grief recover meeting tonight and that made a little sense as well, because most thing don't. I have been reading alot of things on line of people like me that seem to bring comfort in this crazy unexplainable way! There is a song that replays over and over in my mind...not our song just one We know... It won't rain all the time and your tears won't fall forever! Thank you again for your kindness and I as well am sorry for your loss!

Please come back and let me know how you are doing. It's a winding road.

I'm glad you are finding some comfort. Just remember to take care of yourself.

My late husband died 3 days before his 42nd birthday. His family quit talking to me... when someone dies of alcoholism/addiction--this can happen--I feel like I was blamed for his struggle. I felt like I wanted to die too. He was a bright, funny guy whom I considered my soulmate... but he lost his fight for sobriety. Don't give up.I tried. I adopted a dog from a shelter (I cared more about working so that
My dear dog, Jake, could eat than I cared about myself) support groups, counseling, becoming physically active and through it all I wanted so much to give up--to end it all--so I made a promise to myself one day at a time... one step at a time... one breath at a time... I have since remarried--a wonderful man--and yet loss continues--sometimes I am blindsided by it--just don't give up... also during the time that I didn't want to work-- a wonderful custodian would call or drop by from work and encourage me to try--he became my lifeline. Find someone from work who will do the same for you and if at all possible go to a grief counselor. Don't give up.