Ask Me Help Desk - My family is so full of criticism?

Hi,

I am an 18 year old woman, going off to uni in a week or so. Over the years I could see the relationship with my family complicating, but I literally hate it now. I guess things were never easy since we moved countries, but I hardly blame the move - it's more like, my parents are very close-minded people in some way and will not talk about emotional stuff - they literally think discussing emotional problems is a waste of time. They dismiss things a lot, to a point where even when I had an extremely painful (we are talking 24/7 torture) trapped nerve, went to physio and wanted to tell them about the progress by mentioning the 'problems with my back', my mum said, 'everyone has problem, so stop it'. My mum is not a busy person, she is unemployed and only has me to take care of (sister moved away from home). See what I mean?

It's difficult for me to know where to start. I try to be nice to them and enjoying life has been so much easier since my physio, so I try to initiate contact with them, chat, spend time. But they act nice, and then all of a sudden drop a complaint of some kind; you never even know when it's coming. My parents and sister have critized:

- My diet. I eat healthy, within reason. When I lost some weight, which I worked really hard for, and sculpted my body and became very lean, my mum and sister started talking about my 'anorexia'. My sister told me I look like a boy and 'unattractive'. My dad used to imply my breasts are too small, and that real women have curves and like that, but I had a discussion with him and now he does that no longer. This is actually ridiculous because I eat, I am a healthy weight, and it is my mum who is an anorexic (and actual anorexic, yes), and my sister saying I'm anorexic to her while I am clearly a healthy weight and my mother is a skeleton, just reinforces how badly she wants to get at me.

- My style. I have a septum piercing and god, my mother HATED me for it. She accused me of joining a cult. My sister will always either imply I look trampy (I DON'T), or awful, or offputting. This is the least hurtful of all, but I do see it affecting my body image.

- My boyfriend. Now, listen to this. My family dislikes my boyfriend because he is depressed. They believe he is dragging me down and is a bad influence. A, he can't ing help a psychological condition by just deciding, oh, I won't be depressed. It takes time. And management. B, whenever I am down, it is usually because of my back. My boyfriend has only ever made things easier for me. Anyway, when I tell my mum, 'I am down because my back is killing me and has been for days, not because my BF is depressed', she accused me of making it up. YOU IGNORANT WOMAN. If I didn't have a back problem which affects life quality, would I have spent 120 pounds sterling on physiotherapy so far? And that's just with my current therapist. She comes out with outrageous statements such as, 'A man shouldn't be depressed, you should dump him', and 'I would dump him if I were you' and also 'young people shouldn't be depressed'. She is so unintelligent. He is the love of my life and I have been with him for a year. The only person making me miserable is her.
The irony? Mum and my sister are both on antidepressants. Conflicted much?

- My boyfriend's family. Frankly, I have little care for his family - as long as me and them are on OK terms, fine. I'm going out with my boyfriend, not his mum. But my mother has an obsession with hating his mum. She talked to her twice and finds her 'annoying', because she talks too much. That's OK, she doesn't have to like her! But anytime I criticize our faily, she's like, 'OH, but your boyfriend's family is SO GREAT!' and goes in a tantrum. I don't EVER mention his family. I rarely even mention my boyfriend because they always mention his depression and criticize our relationship. She's obsessed.

- My life choices. The whole family is in medicine. Im going to an art college. Dad hated every single one of my career ideas, and my mother and sister discussed my job prospects when I was 15 (!), even though the same was never done to her.

This is only a small list. Seriously, this is the stuff condensed. I'm going through every day, morning to night, accused, criticized or shouted at several times a day. I've literally become paranoid, because anything I do will result in ALL OF THE ABOVE and ore being brought up.

Example:
I don't clean up after myself. Mum overreacts, hisses atme, calls me a nuisance and a horrible kid. I say, 'ok mum, calm down, ill do it now. No need to react like this.' Mum will explode and say something like, 'Is that your boyfriend's mother's attitude? You know I can't stand that woman! Or the toxic, pathetic relationship you and your boyfiend have. I don't want to talk to you, go away!'
She also openly mocks my boyfriend, etc.

They treat my sister very differently as well. Me and her are both victims of sexual molestation. When mine happened, they told me to not report it, because it could ruin my father's career. When my sister 'came out' as a victim, they immediatelly got her a lawyer. In lieu of this I think their lack of respect towards me is the foundation of the problem here, which is reinforced by the fact my father hit me before, and called me a whore for no reason. Never properly apologized, either.

Please, some support, advice or a kind word would mean the world to me. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by incognitogirl

Hi,

I am an 18 year old woman, going off to uni in a week or so. Over the years I could see the relationship with my family complicating, but I literally hate it now. I guess things were never easy since we moved countries, but I hardly blame the move - it's more like, my parents are very close-minded people in some way and will not talk about emotional stuff - they literally think discussing emotional problems is a waste of time. They dismiss things a lot, to a point where even when I had an extremely painful (we are talking 24/7 torture) trapped nerve, went to physio and wanted to tell them about the progress by mentioning the 'problems with my back', my mum said, 'everyone has problem, so stop it'. My mum is not a busy person, she is unemployed and only has me to take care of (sister moved away from home). See what I mean?

It's difficult for me to know where to start. I try to be nice to them and enjoying life has been so much easier since my physio, so I try to initiate contact with them, chat, spend time. But they act nice, and then all of a sudden drop a complaint of some kind; you never even know when it's coming. My parents and sister have critized:

- My diet. I eat healthy, within reason. When I lost some weight, which I worked really hard for, and sculpted my body and became very lean, my mum and sister started talking about my 'anorexia'. My sister told me I look like a boy and 'unattractive'. My dad used to imply my breasts are too small, and that real women have curves and like that, but I had a discussion with him and now he does that no longer. This is actually ridiculous because I eat, I am a healthy weight, and it is my mum who is an anorexic (and actual anorexic, yes), and my sister saying I'm anorexic to her while I am clearly a healthy weight and my mother is a skeleton, just reinforces how badly she wants to get at me.

- My style. I have a septum piercing and god, my mother HATED me for it. She accused me of joining a cult. My sister will always either imply I look trampy (I DON'T), or awful, or offputting. This is the least hurtful of all, but I do see it affecting my body image.

- My boyfriend. Now, listen to this. My family dislikes my boyfriend because he is depressed. They believe he is dragging me down and is a bad influence. A, he can't ing help a psychological condition by just deciding, oh, I won't be depressed. It takes time. And management. B, whenever I am down, it is usually because of my back. My boyfriend has only ever made things easier for me. Anyway, when I tell my mum, 'I am down because my back is killing me and has been for days, not because my BF is depressed', she accussed me of making it up. YOU IGNORANT WOMAN. If I didn't have a back problem which affects life quality, would I have spent 120 pounds sterling on physiotherapy so far? And that's just with my current therapist. She comes out with outrageous statements such as, 'A man shouldn't be depressed, you should dump him', and 'I would dump him if I were you' and also 'young people shouldn't be depressed'. She is so unintelligent. He is the love of my life and I have been with him for a year. The only person making me miserable is her.
The irony? Mum and my sister are both on antidepressants. Conflicted much?

- My boyfriend's family. Frankly, I have little care for his family - as long as me and them are on ok terms, fine. I'm going out with my boyfriend, not his mum. But my mother has an obsession with hating his mum. She talked to her twice and finds her 'annoying', because she talks too much. That's ok, she doesn't have to like her! But anytime I criticize our faily, she's like, 'OH, but your boyfriend's family is SO GREAT!' and goes in a tantrum. I don't EVER mention his family. I rarely even mention my boyfriend because they always mention his depression and criticize our relationship. I don't get why he's so obsessed.

- My life choices. The whole family is in medicine. Im going to an art college. Dad hated every single one of my career ideas, and my mother and sister discussed my job prospects when I was 15 (!), even though the same was never done to her.

God, this is only a small list. Seriously, this is the stuff condensed. Please, some support, advice or a kind word would mean the world to me. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks.

For starters, I'd leave God out of this.

It appears you are upset and downtrodden at every turn.

What type of advice would you like to hear? Once you are away from home, seeking counselling.

You seem to think that everyone in your World is against you - your family, your boyfriend's family.

You need to speak with a therapist.

Ok, you are entitled to your own opinion, but you clearly do not understand. Also I never once said that my boyfiend's family is against me. They're all very nice and kind to me.

You clearly do not understand the nature of the problem. Even after I was sexually abused, my parents sometimes brought up my 'overreacting' and my sister mocked my post traumatic stress syndrome. You do not understand the kind of family I'm from, or that I am from a very different culture, where therapy is seen as 'ridiculous' and there is a lot of judging. I went to therapy after the abuse, but I am not the one who obsessively criticizes my straight A, able, high-functioning daughter.

Feel a bit ignorant now? Yeah, I would, too. I'd feel rather embarrassed, in fact.

Quote:

Originally Posted by incognitogirl

Ok, you are entitled to your own opinion, but you clearly do not understand. Also I never once said that my boyfiend's family is against me. They're all very nice and kind to me.

You clearly do not understand the nature of the problem. Even after I was sexually abused, my parents sometimes brought up my 'overreacting' and my sister mocked my post traumatic stress syndrome. You do not understand the kind of family I'm from, or that I am from a very different culture, where therapy is seen as 'ridiculous' and there is a lot of judging. I went to therapy after the abuse, but I am not the one who obsessively criticizes my straight A, able, high-functioning daughter.

Feel a bit ignorant now? Yeah, I would, too. I'd feel rather embarrassed, in fact.

Thanks for "allowing" me to have my own opinion on things.

Nope, I feel neither ignorant or embarrassed. In fact, I now better understand how/why your family interacts with you. As far as your boyfriend's family is concerned this doesn't sound like they're all that crazy about you: "Frankly, I have little care for his family - as long as me and them are on ok terms, fine. I'm going out with my boyfriend, not his mum.: "Okay terms"?

I find your comments to your mother in the middle of your rant to be, well, odd: "... she accused me of making it up. YOU IGNORANT WOMAN." For that matter, you're 18. You need your mother to "take care" of you? "she is unemployed and only has me to take care of... "

Just so you know (and no need to feel ignorant or be embarrassed) a disagree means that you disagree with the advice, not that you don't like the advice. Again, no need to feel embarrassed or ignorant. A lot of people under stress don't understand the rules.

As far as your culture (or part of the world or whatever) I only know what you post. I think you have emotional issues, no matter where you live.

For that matter anyone who thinks that the whole world is against her usually is the problem herself. I'd expect the bf to begin the gradual "drift away" any time now. I read your problems for 5 minutes; I can't imagine hearing them day after day.

I used the term 'take care of' loosely. I am largely financially sufficient, and due to my mother's depression I am more of a carer to her in many ways. I take her to the doctor, translate english for her and take on house chores when she can't amongst other things.

My boyfriend's family like me a lot. His mum offers me lifts, she literally offers to drive me places but I don't take up on the offer as that's abusing her hospitality. When I say I have little care, I mean that I am not one of those girls who will focus on building a relationship with the parents of my boyfriend before my boyfriend. I am nice to them, and they like me a lot and include me at weddings etc. But I went out with a guy once with whom the issue was his mother was ALWAYS there, so in that sense - I have little care for hanging out with my boyfriend's mother, indeed.

My parents didn't know about my painful condition which went on for 2 years until recently, because I don't complain. My Dad had to convince me to change schools after I was abused at one, because I didn't want to be a problem to them (and switching schools was, of course, a hassle, somewhat).

Conclusion?

You needn't feel ignorant to be ignorant. You are ignorant, and stupidly stubborn on top of that. The mark of adulthood is being able to admit to a mistake when you make one. I can see clearly where you are misreading what I wrote, but instead of going back and trying to read with some coherence, you're getting a kick out of telling me I'm wrong. Why? Do you see a dangerous reflection of yourself in my mother? Are you just having a bad day? Because it's unnecessary.

Please, stop writing in my thread. I am the one with a real issue, and you the one with some emotional hangups. I don't know whether you live some extremely privileged life where everyone is imagining their problems, doesn't mean this is the same for everyone.

Also, the fact that you have been on this site for a while does not in any way mean you are right. IF after reading that I was hit by my Dad, you claim it is all in my head - well, this is really saying a lot about you, isn't it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by incognitogirl

You needn't feel ignorant to be ignorant. You are ignorant, and stupidly stubborn on top of that. The mark of adulthood is being able to admit to a mistake when you make one. I can see clearly where you are misreading what I wrote, but instead of going back and trying to read with some coherence, you're getting a kick out of telling me I'm wrong. Why? Do you see a dangerous reflection of yourself in my mother? Are you just having a bad day? Because it's unnecessary.

Please, stop writing in my thread. I am the one with a real issue, and you the one with some emotional hangups. I don't know whether you live some extremely privileged life where everyone is imagining their problems, doesn't mean this is the same for everyone.

Also, the fact that you have been on this site for a while does not in any way mean you are right. IF after reading that I was hit by my Dad, you claim it is all in my head - well, this is really saying a lot about you, isn't it?

Your personal insults are unwarranted and unnecessary. I'm not the one here posting her emotional problems. You are.

Yes, but you are the one exposing yours as much as I am one. It is rude at least to go into a forum called 'emotional well-being' and then slander someone for seeking the above.

Also, do you deliberately only take certain parts out of my posts and then ignore the rest? Er, seems like it.

Quote:

For that matter anyone who thinks that the whole world is against her usually is the problem herself. I'd expect the boyfriend to begin the gradual "drift away" any time now. I read your problems for 5 minutes; I can't imagine hearing them day after day.

Oh, beause you ever insulted me, not at all.

Yes, congratulations! I have emotional issues. That's the point of this thread. : ) I'm glad you acknowledge that. But just to clarify especially for you, 'emotional issues' is not synonymous with 'she's a loony!' nor does it give you the high ground.
Now that we shared all we need to share, please leave some space for someone who could actually say something helpful.

And now you conveniently ignore whatever does expose your stance as incoherent. Well done.

Okay then. Let's skip forward and be positive.

You are leaving for uni soon. What classes will you have there? Is this in your country?

It's art, in a different county but the same country, and my parents expect me to come home for the weekend most of the time. I do partially want to visit because my boyfriend is staying here for another year and I will only get to see him once a week at most.

I guess spending less time with my parents will be good, but it won't fix the problem. And with my parents, you often don't even know you did something to annoy them until all of a sudden things turns sour and they bring up all bad things they can think of.

So how can you best handle the bad times with your parents and keep things from escalating? You've apparently been dealing with this for a long time, so certainly you must know what works and what doesn't.

So what works? (And I am betting there is more than one thing that works.)

The point is, I can't.

There were times when I was so happy, me and mum got on very well, like years ago. So I was relieved think, 'we're finally back on good terms' and then just comes a day when I can see, by my mother's expression, that she is in a bad mood and will want to insult. Her menopause makes her depression worse and vice versa. It's a vicious cycle. She also hates the country where we live, and is full of negativity.

So we'll be fine, and all of a sudden she will bring up something like, 'Your boyfriend's mum, she's not very well mannered, is she? Did she teach him manners, then? I don't think she did. I can't stand the absent gaze on that boy, you know, when I see him, I just want him out of the house.'

So it's phases of being treated nicely followed by recurring vicious behaviour, coupled with her complete indifference about how my dad and sister treat me.

Thing is, my boyfriend never did anything to deserve this. He is calm and well mannered, always says thank you. He can be a bit quiet, or absent minded, but I wouldn't date him if he didn't show respect to my family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by incognitogirl

The point is, I can't.

Of course you can! Stop acting so powerless. You are definitely not that!

If you change how you handle their comments, they will have no choice but to change what they say and how they say it. It has worked for me handling my dysfunctional mother in law for 45 years, and it will work for you.

Now, think about it. You are smart. How can you handle yourself if someone criticizes you?

I tried taking my mother's comments light-heartedly a few times, with a smile on my face, but it doesn't satisfy her mean streak. She will continue bringing up the insults during the day until they sink in.

I'm just tired. How did you deal with your mother?

Thanks a lot by the way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by incognitogirl

I tried taking my mother's comments light-heartedly a few times, with a smile on my face, but it doesn't satisfy her mean streak. She will continue bringing up the insults during the day until they sink in.

I'm just tired. How did you deal with your mother?

Thanks a lot btw.

You're welcome.

It's my mother in law, not my mother (who thankfully, though a nice lady, lives 600 miles away).

Let me dig up a couple of posts I wrote yesterday about my mil to illustrate what I mean. Hang on. Be right back.

Here's the first "story" I told to someone having mil problems --

I know how you feel. I would invite my in-laws over for dinner and they would come two hours early so she could push me into the living room and take over the kitchen because she didn't believe I would cook enough food. I refused to play that game, so she got sneaky. The next time I invited them for dinner, she stopped at KFC to load up on chicken and sides "in case there wasn't enough to eat."

I tried to get my husband to stand up to her, but she had ruled her household and family for too many years and had crushed everyone's spirit. Family members would back off saying, "Isn't she cute...she always gets her way, so just let her have it." When she started sneaking cookies to my kids right before dinner, I had had it and decided to set boundaries.

That seems to be what you are going to have to do too, and all by yourself, since it doesn't sound like your wife is going to be very helpful in this effort. Without telling your mother-in-law off, are there things you can do that would be setting firm boundaries, like telling her you won't answer your phone if you see her ID on the screen because you already know why she's calling?

Here's my second "story" --

My father-in-law was recovering from heart surgery and was at home for 6-8 weeks. I mailed him half a dozen PG-rated jokes twice a week to give him a chuckle and something to look forward to. We'd visit him and my mil would always slip money into my pocket "to pay for the stamps and the jokes." I told her to stop. She refused and just giggled. She hates cats, so I told her that all the money she has been giving me (and will give me) has been going to the local cat shelter. She stopped. (And the cat shelter wished I would have kept my mouth shut.)

Now, translate that over to your situation. What can your strategy be to avoid conflict and allow any to escalate?

I want YOU to come up with a couple of strategies. If I tell you what to do, those are mine, not yours. I want you to OWN the strategies and have them be part of you. I want you to be comfortable with them and be able to use them at the drop of a hat.

Any strategy will involve setting boundaries, nicely and efficiently and succinctly drawing a line in the sand that cannot be crossed. You must be firm and consistent to make it work.