I have been dating this guy for 2 years and over time have come to find out things about his past that I cannot seem to deal with. First - he has 3 kids with 3 different mamas. First one he was 20 - mom was 18, second one he was 22 - mom was 15 (I think) and gave up child for adoption, third child he was 32 and mom was 18 or 19. He does not see any of the 3 kids. It bothers me the age thing and that he has 3 kids with 3 different moms. He says I need to let the past go and I should only concentrate from the date I met him. Yes he pays child support! He says I need to see a shrink - is he right? Jennifer - I am 36 and he is now 35.

hey there :)

Well first of all there is nothing wrong in.. Being worried about that little issue.. there is nothing wrong with you.. at all you don't want the same thing to happen to you.. and its only natural you feel that he may end up doing the same thing to you as he did to them 3 women.. but we all have done things in the past, and he has a point the past is the past, but its also true that the past makes up who we are today, and if we don't learn by our mistakes we can never grow.

if he is good to you.. and shows you respect.. then I personally don't see a problem it would be unfair and time waisting to keep thinking that he may do this or may do that.. I know I have that problem as well. In my relationships.. I always seem to put the way my Xs was to the way my new girlfriend is.. it never works just hurts us both :x

but once again there is nothing wrong with you.. just take each day as it comes and enjoy the time you have together :)

kind Regards

Faith

The best I can say for him is that he pays support.

It IS true you shouldn't punish someone for the past if you are with them. The past is the past. BUT... you CAN decide to not be with him because of it.

Does that make sense?

Its like a person being mad because you slept with another man before you met. Not fair to you. BUT if you slept with 50 other men, that shows, maybe a behaviour outside of normal... and in this case, if he would choose to be with you, he shouldn't hold it against you. Make sense?

If you choose to stay, knowing what you know, it isn't fair to hold it against him in your relationship as long as he treats you well.

Now... the issue of whether you should trust him at all is another issue. Id say id be worried that if you got pregnant that hed hit the road. That's his record. And that fact he hasn't been a father to any of them in action means he's fine walking away.

So... again, if you choose to stay its not fair to punish him for the past. You agree to accept him if you stay.

But if he does the same to you, well, you knew it was coming.

Can people change? Sure. I'm sure each of those women didn't think they were going to be the one left behind.

Telling you that you are crazy is his trying to transfer guilt onto you. I think this is a bad sign.

I mean as hard as it is to let his past control you have to. You can only focus on what he offers you. If these other situations somehow gets incorporated by him and disrupts your relationship then that is another thing. If he just pays child support and doesn't really bring it up except when you do then that is your problem.

In my opinion if he wants you to go see a therapist it means he likes you and wants this stuff out of your head. It is holding you back from moving forward from him.

In the past he was young and inexperienced and people make mistakes. Maybe it took him until he was 32 to realize he was an idiot about these situations. At least he had the decency to let you in on the past. He could have kept it from you if he wanted to. He let you in now let him in. The past is the past, no one is telling you to forget it but it can't control your thoughts. It is what shapes the person you are today. No one is perfect but actions don't make the person. ALL THESE ARE BEHAVIORS. YOU MAY NOT LIKE HIS PREVIOUS BEHAVIORS BUT THAT Doesn't MAKE HIM A BAD PERSON. JUST MEANS HE Didn't MAKE GOOD DECISIONS... ( I don't feel like undoing caps lock or deleting and writing it again)

This relationship you have with this guy has nothing to do with his past because his past didn't have you in it. You can only control the present, you don't know about the future because you never know, but still he is with you and have fun because sooner or later he will get sick of the conversations and can't take it anymore.

I relate it to a guy who did drugs and kept on getting in trouble. You get to a point in your life where you need to do something about or you just aren't that person anymore. Maybe he has changed, so again I will say it the past is the past.

Your concerns are legit and the only question is is he worth it to you. You are not crazy, just a little worried that his past can bite you. Give this a lot of thought, as any relationship with him may include his kids someday, or the babies mamas. Even though they are not in the picture now. A lot to think about.