I have been dating a single mother for 8 weeks. On the third date, we had sex and it went terribly wrong, she said she was tempted and we stopped. The next day she seemed confused. We talked about it and she said we need to step back to get to know each other.

We met after 6 days ( I was away), after 1 hour when we were leaving, she said this will not work and she might ruin it. I told her I have something to tell you, her facial expression changed all of a sudden and she smiled at me and looked into my eyes and said with a soothing voice " yes, tell me Jason" . I was confused and said we have to talk. We did not have much time and said we will talk in 5 days when we are both free.

We have not text or called each other in the last 10 days ( apart from arranging the meet-up, which she initiated).

1- What do you think was on her mind when she said "yes tell me Jason"
2- what do you think is going on there?

She probably thought you'd tell her you love her. Now that you've made it into a meeting, she's mad, because her first though is obviously wrong.

What WERE you going to tell her??
I'm not sure of what expectations are these days, once two people have had sex and continue to go out. I haven't been on a date since 1979. But two months sounds about the time that many women (and men too) want to take it to some next level.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

What WERE you going to tell her???
I'm not sure of what expectations are these days, once two people have had sex and continue to go out. I haven't been on a date since 1979. But two months sounds about the time that many women (and men too) want to take it to some next level.

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What do you mean.. next level?

As Alty said: declarations of love.
I'll add: talk of the future, like asking when do you have to renew your lease and should we consider living together, going on a weekend vacation, meeting relatives...
Maybe it's a little soon if you are away a lot, and haven't been seeing each other several times a week, but even that should be all worked out by now
You didn't answer MY question. And I asked first.

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I have been dating a single mother for 8 weeks. On the third date, we had sex and it went terribly wrong, she said she was tempted and we stopped. The next day she seemed confused. We talked about it and she said we need to step back to get to know each other.

We met after 6 days ( I was away), after 1 hour when we were leaving, she said this will not work and she might ruin it. I told her I have something to tell you, her facial expression changed all of a sudden and she smiled at me and looked into my eyes and said with a soothing voice " yes, tell me Jason" . I was confused and said we have to talk. We did not have much time and said we will talk in 5 days when we are both free.

We have not text or called each other in the last 10 days ( apart from arranging the meet-up, which she initiated).

1- What do you think was on her mind when she said "yes tell me Jason"
2- what do you think is going on there?

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I want to be certain I have my facts straight.

You have been dating for 8 weeks (approximately 2 months.)

During the third date you had (or attempted have) sex. She stopped you at some point.

After the third date, you met up to 'talk'.

You have have talked once in the last ten days to set-up a time to 'talk' again.

How many dates have you had? How much communication/contact did you have before the first date and between the subsequent dates? How well do you know her?

I don't know what is going through her mind. Only she can tell you what her thoughts are.

I will say that from reading your question that things may have been moving too fast. Yes, it has been two months. But two months of sporadic contact and very little time together.

I can make a guess that she is looking for reassurance that she isn't (hasn't) messing up the relationship. She may be wanting to hold off on making the relationship a sexual one. However, many people these days seem to think that if you aren't having sex from day one then it isn't a relationship. After backing out of sex at the last second, she may be afraid of your reaction. The thought may be along the lines of, 'If I am not ready, will he leave for someone who is?'

I think you both need to talk and find out what you both expect from the relationship. You haven't said how old her child(ren) is or how old either of you are. How much does being a single mother limit her time? How much does your own life limit yours? How much effort are both of you willing to put into developing the relationship?

What do you want?

Are you wanting a relationship with her even if it means being patient or are you wanting to walk away? If your 'talk' is about ending the relationship, then end it now. Delaying the inevitable will only make things worse.

It might be a stupid conclusion, but it does seem like an obvious one that she thought you were going to say you love her. Sounds like you two both need to talk about what's on your minds, and what you want with the relationship.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I want to be certain I have my facts straight.

You have been dating for 8 weeks (approximately 2 months.)

During the third date you had (or attempted have) sex. She stopped you at some point.

After the third date, you met up to 'talk'.

You have have talked once in the last ten days to set-up a time to 'talk' again.

How many dates have you had? How much communication/contact did you have before the first date and between the subsequent dates? How well do you know her?



I don't know what is going through her mind. Only she can tell you what her thoughts are.

I will say that from reading your question that things may have been moving too fast. Yes, it has been two months. But two months of sporadic contact and very little time together.

I can make a guess that she is looking for reassurance that she isn't (hasn't) messing up the relationship. She may be wanting to hold off on making the relationship a sexual one. However, many people these days seem to think that if you aren't having sex from day one then it isn't a relationship. After backing out of sex at the last second, she may be afraid of your reaction. The thought may be along the lines of, 'If I am not ready, will he leave for someone who is?'

I think you both need to talk and find out what you both expect from the relationship. You haven't said how old her child(ren) is or how old either of you are. How much does being a single mother limit her time? How much does your own life limit yours? How much effort are both of you willing to put into developing the relationship?

What do you want?

Are you wanting a relationship with her even if it means being patient or are you wanting to walk away? If your 'talk' is about ending the relationship, then end it now. Delaying the inevitable will only make things worse.

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Yes we both have been in touch, txt, call, but not on a everyday basis.
We have spent quite a lot of time together while dating. The last time we cooked something together. I have known her casually for 1 year in the building that I work.
Because I feel she does not open up that much, I thought she wanted to break up no matter if I tell her my feelings for her - that I love her!
We are both in our late 30's and the child is 7yo.
By talking I do not mean ending up the relationship. We started to talk what we want. But did not have time.
I will tell her exactly what I feel, regardless of what she thinks. Hope it will be fine.

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Originally Posted by Jason53

Yes we both have been in touch, txt, call, but not on a everyday basis.
we have spent quite a lot of time together while dating. The last time we cooked something together. I have known her casually for 1 year in the building that I work.
Because I feel she does not open up that much, I thought she wanted to break up no matter if I tell her my feelings for her - that I love her!
We are both in our late 30's and the child is 7yo.
By talking I do not mean ending up the relationship. We started to talk what we want. But did not have time.
I will tell her exactly what I feel, regardless of what she thinks. Hope it will be fine.

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I think talking will help.

Remember that even though she may be holding back, it is probably because she is being cautious. I don't know her history, but holding back is probably a defense mechanism to protect herself and her child. It can be a way to keep from being hurt.

This is where patience and understanding come in. Say what you feel you need to say, but listen to what she says. If you aren't certain about what she means, ask her for clarification. Misunderstandings and confusion grow when a person puts their own meanings on another person's words or actions.

If there is going to be a relationship, this is a good time to work together to build a stable foundation.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I think talking will help.

Remember that even though she may be holding back, it is probably because she is being cautious. I don't know her history, but holding back is probably a defense mechanism to protect herself and her child. It can be a way to keep from being hurt.

This is where patience and understanding come in. Say what you feel you need to say, but listen to what she says. If you aren't certain about what she means, ask her for clarification. Misunderstandings and confusion grow when a person puts their own meanings on another person's words or actions.

If there is going to be a relationship, this is a good time to work together to build a stable foundation.

Good luck.

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Thank you for your posts. They have been helpful and I feel more confident as I felt I was in the dark before.

I am 34 and the Woman I am dating is 39 ( with a 7yo son). I am totally ready and willing to make things work.

I understand that society wants the man to be older and the woman to be younger and all the social hocus that comes with.
According to researches, your experience and expertise in relationships, how do you feel about my situation.


Thanks again

Jason

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Originally Posted by Jason53

Thank you for your posts. They have been helpful and I feel more confident as I felt I was in the dark before.

I am 34 and the Woman I am dating is 39 ( with a 7yo son). I am totally ready and willing to make things work.

I understand that society wants the man to be older and the woman to be younger and all the social hocus that comes with.
According to researches, your experience and expertise in relationships, how do you feel about my situation.


Thanks again

Jason

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I think there are a lot more relationships out there where the woman is older than the man than it may seem.

Here are three relationships that are very close to me: My sister-in-law is a few years older than my brother-in-law. I have a very good friend whose wife is a five years older than he is. My mother was seven years older than my father (unfortunately they didn't have very long together before she died.) All of them are/were very happy in their relationships.

As with any relationship, the insecurity the individuals bring into it will cause more problems than society. If you are both okay with the differences between you and can work together to find compromises, then the relationship can thrive and grow.

As for her being a single mother to a fairly young child, is the child's father in the picture? Whether he is or isn't, don't try to replace him. Accept the boundaries she may place on your interacting with her son. If he acts up or out, let her handle it. Give her support but otherwise stay neutral.

Have fun getting to know 'them'.

The bottom line is keep being who you are and get to know her (if she wants to continue the relationship.) With communication and compromise, most issues in a relationship can be worked out.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I think there are a lot more relationships out there where the woman is older than the man than it may seem.

Here are three relationships that are very close to me: My sister-in-law is a few years older than my brother-in-law. I have a very good friend whose wife is a five years older than he is. My mother was seven years older than my father (unfortunately they didn't have very long together before she died.) All of them are/were very happy in their relationships.

As with any relationship, the insecurity the individuals bring into it will cause more problems than society. If you are both okay with the differences between you and can work together to find compromises, then the relationship can thrive and grow.

As for her being a single mother to a fairly young child, is the child's father in the picture? Whether he is or isn't, don't try to replace him. Accept the boundaries she may place on your interacting with her son. If he acts up or out, let her handle it. Give her support but otherwise stay neutral.

Have fun getting to know 'them'.

The bottom line is keep being who you are and get to know her (if she wants to continue the relationship.) With communication and compromise, most issues in a relationship can be worked out.

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Thank you again, I totally agree with you.

We met today, I explained myself, she decided to end it because of her son, time and cannot deal with these emotions at this time.
When we left, I told her my best wishes. She said it is too formal, she still wants our paths to cross, and said she wants me to continue to make an effort.. (where I start to get confused).
She sent me a text later to say if I pay the right cards I can get to meet her. It would be nice to get together once/while as she likes chatting to me.

Well, things are getting stranger these days in this world..

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Originally Posted by Jason53

Thank you again, I totally agree with you.

We met today, I explained myself, she decided to end it because of her son, time and cannot deal with these emotions at this time.
When we left, I told her my best wishes. She said it is too formal, she still wants our paths to cross, and said she wants me to continue to make an effort..(where I start to get confused).
She sent me a text later to say if I pay the right cards I can get to meet her. It would be nice to get together once/while as she likes chatting to me.

Well, things are getting stranger these days in this world..

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She's playing games. She wants you to chase her, even though she ended things. If it were me, I'd forget her, delete her number form the phone, delete her on fb, and avoid all contact.

She ended it, used her son as an excuse, and then told you to keep trying. She's a player!

Find someone better. Someone that doesn't expect you to jump through hoops to impress her.

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Originally Posted by Jason53

Thank you again, I totally agree with you.

We met today, I explained myself, she decided to end it because of her son, time and cannot deal with these emotions at this time.
When we left, I told her my best wishes. She said it is too formal, she still wants our paths to cross, and said she wants me to continue to make an effort..(where I start to get confused).
She sent me a text later to say if I pay the right cards I can get to meet her. It would be nice to get together once/while as she likes chatting to me.

Well, things are getting stranger these days in this world..

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This is an example of her not working with you but expecting you to do all the work.

I don't know that she is a 'player' but it does sound like she is playing games. Her actions speak more of an immature teenage girl than they do a mature woman.

Backing off because she doesn't feel able to deal with emotions and relationships is understandable and acceptable. What isn't acceptable is inviting you to do all the work of pursuing her.

I agree with Alty that you should let her go. Go about your own life and let her work out her own. If you run into her at work or while out, be polite but that is all. She needs to work through her issues without using you as a crutch for her ego.

You deserve to be with someone who is pursuing you as much as you are her.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

This is an example of her not working with you but expecting you to do all the work.

I don't know that she is a 'player' but it does sound like she is playing games. Her actions speak more of an immature teenage girl than they do a mature woman.

Backing off because she doesn't feel able to deal with emotions and relationships is understandable and acceptable. What isn't acceptable is inviting you to do all the work of pursuing her.

I agree with Alty that you should let her go. Go about your own life and let her work out her own. If you run into her at work or while out, be polite but that is all. She needs to work through her issues without using you as a crutch for her ego.

You deserve to be with someone who is pursuing you as much as you are her.

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She knows it was the end and that what I think she has some difficulty dealing with. That is why she kept hugging me with a face ready to cry and did not like the idea when I said, I will probably not see you again.
The txt message was probably an attempt to see if I am "still there" or gone.
She knows she lost me anyway. I have moved on.
Thank you all for your support.

I'm not so sure I agree with the others about games and such.
I think there is something about YOU that is more reserved than we know. And you didn't understand the concept of 'next level,' which is a very commonly known and understood one. I think that perhaps she likes you but is cautious about how you feel and was looking for a bit more warmth and feeling.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I'm not so sure I agree with the others about games and such.
I think there is something about YOU that is more reserved than we know. And you didn't understand the concept of 'next level,' which is a very commonly known and understood one. I think that perhaps she likes you but is cautious about how you feel and was looking for a bit more warmth and feeling.

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About me?
Well, she did say a few times since I met her that I am a " Dark horse" - explanation was she thinks that there is more to me, but I do not spit everything out. I think that there is so much about me ( as a person - I am not a boring character) in a way, that every time we met she learns something new.. never ending.
I do understand the next level, was just confirming with you that I got what you said right. I prefer to show my feelings only when I think the time is right and the person I am with is on the same level. I do not want to struggle with someone - telling them that "I love them" when they are leaving anyway, that is suicide. I am quite a serious person and not a player at all.
The odd thing is that I never dumped anyone in my life. But most women I have been in the past have contacted me months or even years after things ended to see if I want to start something fresh.
I do not know what you make of this, maybe I just do not get the point ( or prefer to ignore) of chasing games, evolution and fitness indicators.