Ask Me Help Desk - New boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months now. In the beginning the sex was great and often, Now three weeks have gone by. He is 46 and I am 34 years old. I am not sure if it is age difference or if he is just not interested. It makes me fill very unattractive. He said that he has ptsd from when he was in the war and that his medication keeps him from getting an erection. But I the yesterday I went over to his house and he was just getting out of the bed and he had one. Now I know men get one when they have to pee when they wake up. But if that happens when he has to go to the bathroom does that mean he can at other times too. So confusted about how everything works down stairs and wondering if its me or if he really has a problem.

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months now. In the beginning the sex was great and often, Now three weeks have gone by. He is 46 and I am 34 years old. I am not sure if it is age difference or if he is just not interested. It makes me fill very unattractive. He said that he has ptsd from when he was in the war and that his medication keeps him from getting an erection. But I the yesterday I went over to his house and he was just getting out of the bed and he had one. Now I know men get one when they have to pee when they wake up. But if that happens when he has to go to the bathroom does that mean he can at other times too. So confusted about how everything works down stairs and wondering if its me or if he really has a problem.

I am going to blunt. Yes, you have the problem. Three months is not long enough to know what another person's normal libido level is. You cannot base an entire relationship's sexual future on the first three months.

Some people have sex frequently for a matter of days or weeks then need a 'break'. Depending on medications, stress, exhaustion, pressure, etc. he may go through periods of not wanting or being able to 'perform'. Age and hormone fluctuations can be major factors, too.

Getting an erection is not the same as being able to perform or wanting to perform. Adding pressure because three months in and you are already feeling 'unattractive' may be causing him to feel like little more than a sex toy. Is there more to your relationship than sex?

You shouldn't rely on someone else to make you feel attractive. It should come from within yourself and your partner's opinion should enhance how you feel about yourself. Having confidence in yourself will keep you from acting out of insecurity. Empathy and compassion will help you understand that there are other ways than intercourse to show affection and share intimacy.

If you like him as more than a 'bed buddy', get to know him. Learn how the medicines and such affect him and how to work around them. If sex is more important, let him go and find someone else who can keep up with your needs and wants.

Do you want a fix or do you want to worry about it so much that it makes him feel self-conscious and impotent? He doesn't know what to tell you so he blames it on PTSD, but what you both probably don't realize is this has a lot more to do with feeling a lack of sexiness. Routine is boring. That's why in the beginning, a new partner is more arousing. I'm guessing the first time he couldn't get an erection (which is completely normal from time to time), you said or did something to make him self-conscious. So don't mention anything about his sex drive or about feeling unwanted or else you'll just make it worse, and keep him embarrassed to try. If you instead spend all that energy making him feel sexy (yes it sounds weird), making him feel desired and wanted, then he will reciprocate, especially if you are spicing things up. Keep him guessing what you'll do next, and behave with sexual confidence instead of that insecurity that will ruin the sex in this relationship altogether.

By the way, guys get multiple erections during sleep, and it's nothing to do with the bladder being full. It's for keeping erectile tissues healthy. Some people even take Viagra before going to sleep for this purpose.

First if or if not a man is "hard" when he wakes up has nothing to do with him being able to get hard for sex. Not even the same. Are you sure you are not 16, any women who has been sexually active with men should know that it is not even related.

Next so it sounds like you are relating a good relationship with how much sex you have. So go find a 24 year old that will use you for sex. I expect this man wants a real relationship that is not based on sex. And it does not sound like you want anything but sex.

Yes older men often do not want sex as often, they may for a month when they first get into a new relationship but that does not often last.

And yes his medical condition can have a lot to do with it, and I bet you pushing him for sex all the time, just makes it worst.

From what little is wrote, I doubt you two are going to make a good couple, since you have far too much physcial need and have confussed physcial sex with love and desire.

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Originally Posted by seordin

Do you want a fix or do you want to worry about it so much that it makes him feel self-conscious and impotent? He doesn't know what to tell you so he blames it on PTSD, but what you both probably don't realize is this has a lot more to do with feeling a lack of sexiness. Routine is boring. That's why in the beginning, a new partner is more arousing. I'm guessing the first time he couldn't get an erection (which is completely normal from time to time), you said or did something to make him self-conscious. So don't mention anything about his sex drive or about feeling unwanted or else you'll just make it worse, and keep him embarrassed to try. If you instead spend all that energy making him feel sexy (yes it sounds weird), making him feel desired and wanted, then he will reciprocate, especially if you are spicing things up. Keep him guessing what you'll do next, and behave with sexual confidence instead of that insecurity that will ruin the sex in this relationship altogether.

By the way, guys get multiple erections during sleep, and it's nothing to do with the bladder being full. It's for keeping erectile tissues healthy. Some people even take Viagra before going to sleep for this purpose.

I am sorry to say that I have to disagree with this advice. Trying to make someone feel sexy is putting pressure on them to get in the mood when they aren't up to it or don't feel like it. Pressure is a huge libido limiter.

Giving someone attention without expecting reciprocation (in this case sex) can take the pressure off and have the desired affect of increasing frequency. But if you give attention with the thought in mind you are going to get sex, it usually causes the partner to back-off and shut down. You may not say it, but your behavior will show what your intentions are.

It is also a very bad idea to ignore what your partner says about health issues they have and medications they are on. If they tell you about them there is usually a reason and it isn't a 'throw out there to get her/him off your case' excuse.

Helping a man feel more sexy does not cause pressure; it relieves pressure... I don't mean only do this when you want sex; do it all the time and boost his ego a bit.

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Originally Posted by seordin

... He doesn't know what to tell you so he blames it on PTSD, but what you both probably don't realize is this has a lot more to do with feeling a lack of sexiness.
... I'm guessing the first time he couldn't get an erection (which is completely normal from time to time), you said or did something to make him self-conscious. ... By the way, guys get multiple erections during sleep, and it's nothing to do with the bladder being full. It's for keeping erectile tissues healthy. Some people even take Viagra before going to sleep for this purpose.

Oh, I do not agree on several points:

If your partner says he has PTSD or any other issue, believe him. Attempting to minimize health issues is foolish for many reasons.

Something she "said or did" made himself conscious? This is a form of blaming the "victim." You have no idea what she did or didn't say or do.

I am not aware of anyone who takes Viagra at bedtime for the sole purpose of getting an erection during the night and "keeping erectile tissue healthy." Where did you read that?

Viagra doesn't cause an erection. There has to be outside stimulation.