To sum it up, I grew up poor and work my butt off for my family and give them what they want as I have the time to spend with them A lot. My wife found a male friend who took the place of me emotionally and communication stopped. She wants nothing to do with me now and said I changed and not the same person as when we first met. I am not because we have 4 kids. I cook, clean, do dishes and laundry to wee hours of the morning. She is done with me and when I ask what's going on, I get told that she does not want to discuss it. We are here for the kids. I really love my wife and would do what ever to get her back. She tells me to go to a counselor and I do, but the marriage counselor says to me I really can't do much without her. She refuses to go and says its all me. She crossed the line with this dirt bag friend who got divorced because his wife found out the we're talking all the time and sneaking out together. She swears she did not have a physical affair and I believe if they didn't , it sure was close to it. I am a realist and know it could happen to anyone. I love her and miss her. I wish we could start fresh. She is really mad because I found out and approached the guy and told him you go near her again and I will hurt you. If I hurt him then, she probably would have stood behind him rather then me. She said she loved me but don't know where we went wrong. I wish she communicated with me. We always talked. I am in a very sad place now and my friends said I need to go find a nice long island women who cares about me and loves me for the man I am and the father I am.

Thanks for taking the time out and letting me vent.

Tony

To go through your post one by one for a few questions:

1. how long ago did your wife find the male friend to confide in?

2. when she says she's done, what exactly does she mean. You say she doesn't want to discuss it, but after 14 years of marriage and 4 kids something particular must've come up that she's fed up about, either the routine and stress of life or something else that has made her lost her spark or is frustrated about. Can you try to identify, apart from the now recent male friend in the picture. Midlife crisis?

3. When she refuses to go to the counselor and says it's "all" you, there must be something else she has said. You should be able to identify her frustrations.

4. "We always talked." Clearly you haven't enough.

5. Even though she doesn't know where you went wrong, she says she still loves you so that's good.

Wait for some more advice from experts on this forum (There are quite a few. I'm relatively inexperienced but I'll give whatever I got), but to me the first thing you need to do right now is get her apart, away from the kids, just you and her in a neutral place, and have a serious talk. Make her realise what she is doing to you and your family, what she is close to give up and destroy, and force out of her the reason why she is fed up.

Clearly she isn't "done" and your situation can be saved; She said she still loves you. So find out what she specifically wants. What she needs to get the spark back. A holiday maybe? Maybe she needs more affection and intimacy time between yourselves.

When the spark is gone and the stress of life keeps dragging on, and you take each other for granted it's easy to lose the will/motivation to keep living like you do, and she will seek for thrills elsewhere (e.g. the excitement of newly found emotional sharing with someone else). It is your job to show her that you can give that to both of you again, as you used to, and revitalize both your love and emotional life. Come up with ideas, ways of revitalizing your passion. Something need to change.

I doubt and hope for you she doesn't want a divorce and run off with her new-found lover. I think if you make her realise what she's about to give up, a great husband and 4 amazing kids, a real home, I have good faith that she may turn around. Then you both need to make a real effort to get the spark and excitement between yourselves back. Make “you” time available away from the kids, revitalize passion, perhaps through going out (parties, live bands, whatever makes you reconnect), focus on having passionate sex, I think also away from home, e.g. a weekend out, kinky in a hotel, tell her to dress up sexy.. combine all of that with bringing up interesting topics to discuss, memories from the past, start sharing more knowledge/ideas together. Make an effort. Just some thoughts, I'm sure you can fill in the rest.

Wow. My friend.. From an outside view.. Your wife is not looking too good. But I do understand there are sides to everything.. I think the true words was spoken! You had 4 kids. Hell yeah that changes! And for the better it would seem! You stood up.. You acted like a man.. And did what you had to do for your family.
Now words over the net. Are mostly meaningless. But read what I say.. When I say.. You should be very proud man!
.
Now as for your marriage it's over :( that's the short of it.. It takes 2 to make a relationship work. And 2 to fix a broken, sadly she does not want to put the effort in!
And to that I'm very sorry.
Now just comes the case of you taking some time to heal. It's not going to be easy.. But I sure hope you keep the kids :)
Be strong!