Ask Me Help Desk - Could my husband be gay?

I have been with my husband for six years, and we have two children. For years I have wondered if he may be gay, and with our marriage going down the toilet and us recently separating I only wonder more. When I first met him, years before we started dating I thought he was gay. I didn't really know him or much about him, but for some reason I just had that impression. Before me he was in a relationship with his high school sweetheart for nine years. To make a long story short I have talked to both of them and gasthered that they broke up because he never wanted to have sex with her. He said he thought it was because she was cheating, and she says that it was just a relationship with no intamacy. One of the first times I was around his mother we joked about how I initially thought he was gay. She proceeded to tell me a story of how when he was a teen she found a gay porn magazine in his room, but that it was just a practical joke that one of his friends had played on him. It just struck me strange. The first year he and I were together things were great. Then he started changing, never wanted to have sex and then gradually got to the point where he would act annoyed if I even tried to kiss him. He would tell me I was a pervert or a nympho and that no one would want to have sex as much as I did. I on the other hand didn't kow why he never wanted to have sex. I tried everything, I offered counceling, going to see a doc, I cried, I yelled, I have him the silent treatment, threatened to cheat onb him and eventually told him I did cheat on him, and have threatened divorce. None of these things seemed to work. He NEVER wants to perform oral sex, and has what seems to be an addiction to porn. ( not gay porn) I am young and feel that I am an attractive girl. Ijust can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't want to sleep with me. I wonder, could it be that he is gay and I am his grand cover up? I have never caught him doing anything that directly says gay, like gay chats or cross dressing, or any weird kinky stuff. But he just seems to be grossed out at the idea of sleeping with me. AM I CRAZY FOR WONDERING IF HE IS GAY?

Of course there could be any number of reasons - gay or bi, into kinky sex that he doesn't dare act out, mostly a voyeur, feels a mother of children should not have or want sex, the way he might have viewed his own mother - who knows, unless he is willing to say? Is there any way you could talk to him in a quiet way about his deepest feelings? Or is it too late for that?

Gay, could be a 100 other things, will both of you go to counseling together ?

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I have been with my husband for six years, and we have two children. For years I have wondered if he may be gay, and with our marriage going down the toilet and us recently separating I only wonder more. When I first met him, years before we started dating I thought he was gay. I didn't really know him or much about him, but for some reason I just had that impression. Before me he was in a relationship with his high school sweetheart for nine years. To make a long story short I have talked to both of them and gasthered that they broke up because he never wanted to have sex with her. He said he thought it was because she was cheating, and she says that it was just a relationship with no intamacy. One of the first times I was around his mother we joked about how I initially thought he was gay. She proceeded to tell me a story of how when he was a teen she found a gay porn magazine in his room, but that it was just a practical joke that one of his friends had played on him. It just struck me strange. The first year he and I were together things were great. Then he started changing, never wanted to have sex and then gradually got to the point where he would act annoyed if I even tried to kiss him. He would tell me I was a pervert or a nympho and that no one would want to have sex as much as I did. I on the other hand didnt kow why he never wanted to have sex. I tried everything, I offered counceling, going to see a doc, I cried, I yelled, I have him the silent treatment, threatened to cheat onb him and eventually told him I did cheat on him, and have threatened divorce. None of these things seemed to work. He NEVER wants to perform oral sex, and has what seems to be an addiction to porn. ( not gay porn) I am young and feel that I am an attractive girl. Ijust can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't want to sleep with me. I wonder, could it be that he is gay and I am his grand cover up? I have never caught him doing anything that directly says gay, like gay chats or cross dressing, or any weird kinky stuff. But he just seems to be grossed out at the idea of sleeping with me. AM I CRAZY FOR WONDERING IF HE IS GAY?

How old are both of you and how long into the relationship did you get married? Was that before or after the sex tapered off?

Does he know you think he is gay? If so, when did he find out?

You can't know if a person is gay, bi, straight, etc. unless they tell you.

Discussing his sexuality or sexual practices with his ex was not a good thing to do. Does he know you talked to her or joked around with his mother about his sexuality?

When the sex started tapering off how did you react? Did you put pressure on him (even if you didn't mean to) to have sex more often than he wanted? Many times we create our own issues by accident or with well meant intentions. For example: Stress at work causes a person to not be in the mood. The stress is temporary, but the person's partner makes a big deal out of the decline and puts pressure on the person to have sex (or the person puts pressure on themselves out of a sense of duty.) The pressure causes the person to back off even more which creates a bigger issue and the person starts striking out at their partner because they don't understand what is going on and become insecure. Nothing gets worked out, frustration increases, and no one is content or happy.

Did the sex start tapering off before or after your first child was born? Did anything happen that may have caused him to back off? Did he have a thought that you might have cheated like he claims the ex did? Did he grow up in a sexually repressed home or extremely open? Does he have any known health issues? Does he take any medications or recreational drugs (including alcohol)?

Many people don't like to perform oral sex for a variety of reasons. Only he can give you his and I am guessing that he has. You have to accept his dislike of the act. You can't force him to do something that he doesn't like.

Porn may be his way of running away from a reality that he isn't wanting to accept or face.

I think you need to examine your own behavior. Asking for counseling, talking with him, asking if he feels a need to see a doctor are good ideas. Going to counseling on your own to learn better ways to communicate with him is great. Yelling, screaming, threatening to cheat and then telling him you did (whether you did or didn't) is not a healthy way to behave. It certainly isn't a good way to get what you want and only creates more problems.

Now, you are separated. That should have happened before the threats of cheating. Are you planning to divorce or are you trying to work together in hopes of keeping the marriage? If you are divorcing, then don't worry about his sexuality. Let it go. If you are still trying to work out the issues make counseling a condition of reconciliation. Either way, work on communicating as parents to raise your children. Try not to allow your disagreements with each other to affect them any more than they already have.

Best of luck for a happy future.

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Originally Posted by needs411

... Before me he was in a relationship with his high school sweetheart for nine years. To make a long story short I have talked to both of them and gasthered that they broke up because he never wanted to have sex with her. ... One of the first times I was around his mother we joked about how I initially thought he was gay. She proceeded to tell me a story of how when he was a teen she found a gay porn magazine in his room, but that it was just a practical joke that one of his friends had played on him. It just struck me strange. ...

I don't know if he's straight, gay, something else - this chills my blood!

I can't imagine discussing my husband and his sexuality with his ex-partner and/or mother!

I think this is totally inappropriate.