18 month relationship wiv an ex drug addict whose now alcohol and cocodamol dependent also smokes weed. Its been up and down. I do neither drugs or enjoy getting pissed up. I've tried to help I really have but we end up arguin. We don't go out because he's on the dole and mostly spend our one night a week wiv a can in front of TV. He lives in a homeless community doesn't drive so I ferry him about. His mates adore me thou they also smoke weed. He lived on the streets for yrs and has.been clean of heroin for 5 yrs. His mate recently o'd following a relapse. Anyway I have a lovely hm n 2 beautiful stable children. Every time he comes to stay over he NEEDS a can or a spliff, I don't let him smoke in house. The last 2 wkends have been hell it ends with him passing out through too much drink and me driving him hm next day because he can't 'cope' or 'breathe'. He started bossin kids too and when I defend them he says I'm sidin with them and that he'll never fit in to the family. I told him if he puts money into my hm like I do he can have a say. Went down like a bomb. Refused to talk and said he needed 'time' to think and ran. Well id got to the end of my tether, went to his got my stuff.n told him it was over. I popped in to see his mate when I was leaving he didn't like it, I cried on his mate shoulder then held my head hi and walked away. I didn't cry in front of him, didn't give him satisfaction. Got hm and cried and cried. Next day I contacted all my mates to catch up they were all supportive and we agreed to a get together at wkend. My spirits lifted. Then he phoned me. He apologised for everythin, said we could be friends, I said no. then he said to give him time space and a break. He ended the conversation by saying hed call me later in week. I know he's got issues but when we make love its so moving deep and emotional so into each other at the time. And when its good we click big time. I don't know what to do anymore. He says he loves me. Mayb he can't cope with us? Advice please I'm hurting so much

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lisa71

18 month relationship wiv an ex drug addict whose now alcohol n cocodamol dependent also smokes weed. its been up n down. i do neither drugs or enjoy gettin pissed up. ive tried to help i really have but we end up arguin. we dont go out cos hes on the dole n mostly spend our one nite a wk wiv a can in front of tv. he lives in a homeless community doesnt drive so i ferry him about. his mates adore me thou they also smoke weed. he lived on the streets for yrs n has.been clean of heroin for 5 yrs. his mate recently o'd followin a relapse. anyway i have a lovely hm n 2 beautiful stable children. everytime he comes to stay over he NEEDS a can or a spliff, i dont let him smoke in house. the last 2 wkends have been hell it ends with him passin out thru too much drink n me drivin him hm next day cos he can't 'cope' or 'breathe'. he started bossin kids too n when i defend them he says im sidin with them n that he'll never fit in to the family. i told him if he puts money into my hm like i do he can have a say. went down like a bomb. refused to talk n said he needed 'time' to think n ran. well id got to the end of my tether, went to his got my stuff.n told him it was over. i popped in to see his mate when i was leavin he didnt like it, i cried on his mate shoulder then held my head hi n walked away. i didnt cry in front of him, didnt give him satisfaction. got hm n cried n cried. next day i contacted all my mates to catch up they were all supportive n we agreed to a get together at wkend. my spirits lifted. then he phoned me. he apologised for everythin, said we could b friends, i said no. then he said to jus give him time space n a break. he ended the convo by sayin hed call me later in week. i know hes got issues but when we make love its so movin deep n emotional so into each other at the time. n when its gd we click big time. i dunno what to do anymore. he says he loves me. mayb he can't cope with us? advice pls im hurtin so much

---

My somewhat harsh advice?

You've been in abusive situation after abusive situation - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-did-he-treat-me-way-511034.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/he-loves-me-but-love-her-too-420561.html.

Why are you submitting your children to this particular man and his self-destructive and abusive behavior?

If you were responsible for only yourself I don't know that what happens next would affect anyone but yourself - but there are children involved here.

The situation hurts you "so much?" Imagine what it's doing to your children in the long run.

Where is the father of your children?

You need to speak to a professional therapist. If you are incapable of a healthy relationship I think your children should be protected by whatever means it takes - and that includes surrendering custody.

I couldn't agree more IF it was effecting my kids but it hasn't. Their dad left us hi and dri 5 yr ago and I have brought them up single handedly; sold my house took my a levels and work two jobs. Its me that's mixed up not them. It devastated me when marriage broke down. Unfortunately I have had bad experiences with 2 guys but all I asked for was some advice not horrible nasty threats. I already feel rock bottom so thanks for that. You don't know my kids or me so don't judge.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lisa71

i couldnt agree more IF it was effecting my kids but it hasnt. their dad left us hi n dri 5 yr ago n i have brought them up single handedly; sold my house took my a levels n work two jobs. its me thats mixed up not them. it devastated me when marriage broke down. unfortunately i have had bad experiences with 2 guys but all i asked for was some advice not horrible nasty threats. i already feel rock bottom so thanx for that. u dont know my kids or me so dont judge.

---

"he started bossin kids too n when i defend them he says im sidin with them n that he'll never fit in to the family" - quoting you.

No one made "horrible nasty threats - "

Your attitude and sarcasm are totally unnecessary. All I know is what you posted. You asked for advice. I gave it based on what you posted. If you only want people who agree with you to give you advice talk to your friends.

No one is judging you - except you.

U said my children needed the authorities involved felt like a threat to me and yes I won't use this sight again because I came on for help not to be judged. Life isn't straightforward black and white. Sorry if I offended you but I just wanted advice on how to stop getting myself into these relationships! 2 in 5 yrs both wrong don't u think I know that, its not easy when your in it. I always put my kids first and foremost.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lisa71

u said my children needed the authorities involved felt like a threat to me n yes i wont use this sight again cos i came on for help not to be judged. life isnt straightforward black n white. sorry if i offended u but i just wanted advice on how to stop gettin myself into these relationships! 2 in 5 yrs both wrong dont u think i know that, its not easy when ur in it. i always put my kids first n foremost.

---

Where did I say that the authorities should be called in? Please quote me.

You didn't ask for advice on how to stop getting into abusive relationships. You asked for advice on how to toughen up when it comes to your current relationship.

As far as what your children are or are not exposed to - your words: "... everytime he comes to stay over he NEEDS a can or a spliff, i dont let him smoke in house. the last 2 wkends have been hell it ends with him passin out thru too much drink ..."

He drinks and needs a spliff - which he smokes outside - and then he comes back into the house where your children are.

You exposed your children to your last abusive relationship: "I was very happy and the kids adored him, ..." A month later he was gone.

You are changing what you post to suit yourself.

Please don't use text speak - it's against AMHD rules.

I don't want to argue. I'm not that kind of person. All I know is right now I'm a who needs to sort herself out. I feel so ashamed of myself and my past relationships. Your words were harsh but hit home I guess.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lisa71

i dont want to argue. im not that kinda person. all i know is right now im a who needs to sort herself out. i feel so ashamed of myself and my past relationships. your words were harsh but hit home i guess.

---

There's no need to be ashamed - everybody makes mistakes. It's the mistakes that you don't learn from that become big or bigger issues in life.

Have you ever talked to a professional counsellor or therapist to see why these "dangerous" men are attractive to you? There is something about "bad boys." The people you meet really do appear to be over the top, though.

I don't think it's a flaw in your character or judgment or anything like that - I'm just not sure that you think you deserve someone who is legitimately nice and responsible. I know you went through a tough divorce and have two children and work two jobs and the bottom pretty much dropped out of your life - but you have time to change things.

I'd start now. No embarrassment there!

You know, you do deserve someone stable who will love you and your children, you really do.

You obviously aren't stupid; you obviously are a hard worker; I think you you can see there is a problem but don't know how to fix it.

I wish I had magic words, but I don't.

I was with my ex husband 18 years all together. It all changed after our son was born, he became resentful of my relationship with him and wasn't at home much, I was left with children. I had a near breakdown because he wouldn't help me. We argued and he pushed me, I asked him to leave because I didn't want children seeing violence. After that I lost weight started smoking and sleeping around. I felt worthless I guess. I had a years therapy in 2009 but I feel I should try it again, it definitely helped.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lisa71

i was with my ex husband 18 years all together. it all changed after our son was born, he became resentful of my relationship with him and wasnt at home much, i was left with children. i had a near breakdown because he wouldnt help me. we argued and he pushed me, i asked him to leave cos i didnt want children seeing violence. after that i lost weight started smoking and sleeping around. i felt worthless i guess. i had a years therapy in 2009 but i feel i should try it again, it definately helped.

---

I had the feeling you'd been through difficult times. Eighteen years and then he walks out the door? Got to be devastating in many, many ways.

I'd go back into therapy - I'm not saying for the rest of your life. Consider this a rough spot and you need help getting through.

I think you see yourself clearly and you just, for whatever reason, feel trapped inside yourself.

Do you think maybe you choose (or they choose you) men who are less than you are so just in case "they" walk out it won't be the same hurt as when your husband walked out? When I got divorced I found I dated men I really didn't care about and ran from men I thought I could care about because no one was ever going to hurt me that badly ever again. It's sort of self defense.

I'll put on a pot of coffee - come on over. We'll drink coffee, eat cookies and talk.

I guess I've never gotten over him leaving. I used so many men also, I don't like men much, I feel they all let you down eventually or leave. I think I'm angry with myself, it's a punishment I guess. I feel I failed my babies because the marriage ended. I go for men I can control, weak men, men with issues. I guess I try and save them or help them in some way. Plus I also notice I'm loyal I don't like to fail and I can't just end a relationship, I have to put myself through hell and back before I give up. Its like an obsession at the time. This is only in male relationships though. Every other part of my life is happy. The guy I've just finished with wanted to move in. I don't want a man living with me I'm too independent and fiercely protective of my babies. When he was very drunk they were in bed so didn't see anything. They are 11 and 13 and very headstrong. They speak their minds like me! I will get some therapy. And I'd love some coffee. Cookies? Your one smart cookie yourself. Thank you x

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lisa71

i guess ive never gotten over him leaving. i used so many men also, i dont like men much, i feel they all let you down eventually or leave. i think i'm angry with myself, its a punishment i guess. i feel i failed my babies cos the marriage ended. i go for men i can control, weak men, men with issues. i guess i try and save them or help them in some way. plus i also notice i'm loyal i dont like to fail and i can't just end a relationship, i have to put myself through hell and back before i give up. its like an obsession at the time. this is only in male relationships though. every other part of my life is happy. the guy ive just finished with wanted to move in. i dont want a man living with me im too independent and fiercely protective of my babies. when he was very drunk they were in bed so didnt see anything. they are 11 and 13 and very headstrong. they speak their minds like me! i will get some therapy. and i'd love some coffee. cookies? your one smart cookie yourself. thank u x

---

From one smart cookie to another - stay in touch, okay?

I know you can work this out.