I have a question. My fiance's son was killed. I flew down to Florida to be with him and support him (all his kids and his ex-wife's family is there). I came with his mother and sisters.

His ex wife wouldn't let me be with him during the private viewing, she would not let me support him at all during the worst parts of the whole thing. During the actual funeral service she would not let me stand up in the front pew to be by his side. She kept making up some BS excuses like it was against the rules of the Catholic church and so on (my fiancé is an atheist and so am I, but I digress).

Basically, every chance she got she kept me from being there for him and it caused a great deal of problems and distress as I just wanted to be there for my guy. It made the whole thing much, much worse than it already was. We live together and have been for the past three years and his children have stayed with us. It's not like I'm a stranger. I just wanted to be by his side and be there for him.

What are the rules for this? She knew how badly I wanted to be by his side, and she caused a big scene and wound up going off on me in the restaurant like a psycho. I wound up missing the funeral and taking care of someone's baby so I didn't have to be in there.

Please let me know what the deal is on this.

Thanks,

Cindi

Cindi, I do NOT follow religion, so I am unfamiliar with the "rules". Perhaps someone else can answer that for you. However, I feel compelled to answer on a relationship standpoint.

I see that you want to be there for him. I do. However, he WAS their son, and if she doesn't want you there, at the funeral, then don't go. Obviously this is a tender subject for her, AND on top of that, her son died. She is vunerable, and her emotions are running rapidly. I am not saying that her behavior is excusable, but, it is what it is.

All I can say is it's done. The funeral came and went. It's over. So let it be over and don't push the issue anymore. She lost her baby. She DIDN'T want you there. Ok. So. It's over now.

Yeah, but before I flew down there, she told Joe it was cool if I come, that I was welcome in her house, blah blah. Really she made it sound like it was fine,we were texting beforehand. She even texted me saying please be there for him, he needs you right now, she was acting all nice and sweet and spouting off all this religious BS and then when I got there it was a totally different story. Serious!

It was like a scene out of the frigging Sopranos at the restaurant, she's a psycho. I wasn't even talking or looking at her and she starts screaming sh*t at me, and then when I went outside for a smoke her psycho sister was getting in my face. I had to go somewhere and hide by myself before I fed into their craziness and went off. Because I don't like people getting in my face. And she kept me from being with him at all.

I'm sorry. I lost my brother at 32. My whole family was accepting of everyone who was grieving. He was a player, he had a lot of women, they were all there, there was no ugliness.

This was an incredibly f*d up situation.

C

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

However, he WAS their son, and if she doesn't want you there, at the funeral, then don't go. Obviously this is a tender subject for her, AND on top of that, her son died. She is vunerable, and her emotions are running rapidly. .

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Yes. And he also was JOE'S son. And he *wanted* me there by him. I was supposed to be there for him. He is going through as much pain as she was, he lost his baby boy too. Why is it that only her wishes mattered?

I could have easily stood in the far end of the pew, by him, away from her. She made it horrible for him, forget about me. Although I will not lie, it really sucked. She is a miserable human being. It is unbelieveable to me, sorry.

C

I think it might actually be Catholic etiquette and she didn't know it when she included you early on. Your title says 'new wife' but you call him your fiancé, so that little technicality became huge. Also the Catholic church doesn't recognize the new wife anyway, I don't think (I'm not Catholic).
It's too bad of course.

Did your fiancé stand up for you? What did he do to help the situation?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I think it might actually be Catholic etiquette and she didn't know it when she included you early on. Your title says 'new wife' but you call him your fiance, so that little technicality became huge. Also the Catholic church doesn't recognize the new wife anyway, I don't think (I'm not Catholic).
It's too bad of course.

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I am his fiancé. We've been engaged for almost two years, living together for 3. I supported him for a year when he was broke and had nothing. I've gone through hell and back for this man, and stuck with him through more crap than you can imagine and more than most women would put up with. So yeah, for all intents and purposes, I am his wife. Or should I say "heterosexual life partner"? As far as I'm concerned, it's a matter of semantics.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Did your fiance stand up for you? What did he do to help the situation?

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He has always backed down to her. He's very wimpy when it comes to her and her demands. Because she's a psycho and he is nonconfrontational, unlike me. Easier for him to run away and not deal with it or give in to her.

But I have to say, this is kind of the last straw because I have been dealing with this for 3 years. I'm not some dumb broad who takes stuff like this normally. I'm a nurse *and* a doctor, and I have my stuff together. I'm about done with it, sad to say. I love the man, and I feel terrible for his loss, but I'm so disgusted and hurt I don't know if I can even be with him any more. People keep saying "let it go" but it's very easy for someone to tell you that, another thing when you're actually living it.

C

No, really it's not a matter of semantics. Legally you are his girlfriend. Depending on the religious belief of the ex, you could be living in sin.

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Originally Posted by J_9

No, really it's not a matter of semantics. Legally you are his girlfriend. Depending on the religious belief of the ex, you could be living in sin.

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Well, if the ex is so holy, perhaps she should not be screwing guys she meets over the internet, and flying out to meet them. But I guess that's a matter of semantics too. I guess it's easy to change the rules when it's convenient, and use religion as an easy excuse.

Oh yeah, and as far as the "living in sin" part goes, her unmarried daughter and her boyfriend lives with the ex. And the dead son and his girlfriend lived with the ex for a long time. So it's totally not that, because she lets her kids bf's and gf's live with her--

C

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Originally Posted by moosiferus

oh yeah, and as far as the "living in sin" part goes, her unmarried daughter and her boyfriend lives with the ex. and the dead son and his girlfriend lived with the ex for a long time. so it's totally not that, because she lets her kids bf's and gf's live with her--

c

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Is this the kind of attitude you showed when you arrived for the funeral? I was simply making a statement since you mentioned that she was spouting her religion at you. Did I (we) know that her unmarried daughter lived with her boyfriend? No, not until now.

Did I (we) know that the "dead son" lived with his girlfriend? No, not until now.

Cindi, let me ask you this... are you asking this question because you genuinely want to know for religious purposes, or are you still sour because of the way she treated you?

The reason I ask, is because " I " think that you have animosity towards her for not only this, but others reasons that have not been stated, and I think that you will try to use this as leverage against her in time... Almost like a "see, I was right, I COULD have sat with him!"

If you know her character, then steer clear of her. Let it go.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Is this the kind of attitude you showed when you arrived for the funeral? I was simply making a statement since you mentioned that she was spouting her religion at you. Did I (we) know that her unmarried daughter lived with her boyfriend? No, not until now.

Did I (we) know that the "dead son" lived with his girlfriend? No, not until now.

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No, I had no attitude. I was pretty nice, I was understanding, I was kind. I'm exhausted, wrung out, sleep deprived, got a raging case of ibs from all this, and am emotionally spent and cried out. Please don't take it like I was being nasty to you, I'm not.

My point is that this woman talks all this stuff like she's so holy and pious, she spouts all the psalms and whatnot, goes to church and presents it to the world like she's this great christian woman--then she turns around and does and says the opposite. She doen't walk the talk, and in reality, she's a pretty awful person.
She's the biggest hypocrite I've ever seen; she puts on a façade and it's all crap. I'm sure if there is a god, he or she does not love a hypocrite.

I may be blunt, but I'm real. I don't put on one face to make people think I'm so good, and then act like an a**h*le.

Sorry if I offended you.

c

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Cindi, let me ask you this...are you asking this question because you genuinely want to know for religious purposes, or are you still sour because of the way she treated you?

The reason I ask, is because " I " think that you have animosity towards her for not only this, but others reasons that have not been stated, and I think that you will try to use this as leverage against her in time.... Almost like a "see, I was right, I COULD have sat with him!"

If you know her character, then steer clear of her. Let it go.

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Enigma, I genuinely went down there to support my love. I was told it was OK. I was told by *her* that he needed me, and I truly thought he did. I spent 800 bucks to fly him and me down there. I just started working after a year of not having a job or income. This was a huge expense,not just emotionally but financially as well. If I honestly thought this would happen I would not have went.

I was just wondering if she was just using the catholic thing as an excuse, or if that was the real deal. Yeah, I would be a liar if said I wasn't bitter and hurt. But being as she is very hypocritical with her so-called beliefs, I was curious as to if this was just something she said at the last minute on the fly in order to cause dissent and hurt my fiancé even more. Because that is the kind of person she is.

Like I said, she was the one who begged me in a text to "please take care of him, he needs you..." very messed up, I think.

I'm going to turn the tables here and put some blame on your fiancé.

I am going to take a RARE chance here... but I believe you. AND just for the record, I rarely believe anyone on here. I believe you because you own up to your doings and apologized to J9.

That being said, I understand that you are hurt. Your fiancé SHOULD have defended you. Especially if you were told/asked to be there. AND you spent the money. Yes. You are right. He was Joe?s son too. Therefore, he should have set her straight.

I am sorry to say that we lost a son very unexpectedly about 2 years ago and if I were to be judged by some of my actions during those terrible days of the funeral (or even months after), I wouldn't get a very good rating.
There is never an acceptable excuse for treating people rudely but when people say "I can't imagine losing a child" they are correct- it is unimaginable.
Give your friend and his ex-wife a pass and look to the future. Don't judge them based on their actions during that terrible time. I still at this late date have at least one apology I have to make.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

I'm going to turn the tables here and put some blame on your fiance. I am going to take a RARE chance here....but I believe you. AND just for the record, I rarely believe anyone on here. I believe you because you own up to your doings and apologized to J9. That being said, I understand that you are hurt. Your fiance SHOULD have defended you. Especially if you were told/asked to be there. AND you spent the money. Yes. You are right. He was Joe?s son too. Therefore, he should have set her straight.

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I am a very honest person enigma. I have no trouble apologizing when I'm wrong. I know I'm not perfect. And I do place a lot of blame on him for not standing up to her. This kind of thing has been going on for a long time; I'm afraid this may be the final straw however. I have a hard time respecting someone who can't stand up for himself and can't stand up for the person he supposedly loves more than anyone, because he can't stand confrontation with his ex wife.

I feel different inside towards him. Yes, I was told by both of them but especially her, to be there. I'm not making this up.

And to smear: I'm very sorry for your loss. I know people don't act rational during this type of situation. And yes, I know how it feels, because my kid brother was killed in an accident. I lost my brother, I saw my mother lose her son and what it did to her. It was 12 years ago. She never got over it. In essence, she gave up on life. However--she and the rest of our family were open and accepting of anyone who loved and cared for my brother. We didn't play games.

I just, I don't know, I can't even describe how this feels. Not only was this a horrible experience all around, it brought back my brothers death and all the pain associated with it. I chain smoked cigarettes the whole time I was there--i haven't touched one since my bro's funeral 12 years ago.

I hate self-pitying whiny b*tches and I know I sound like one. But please believe me when I tell you she was the one who begged me to be by his side, and then prevented me from doing so.

Perhaps this thread should be moved to "relationships" forum. I think that Cindi will get better feedback from the experts there.

Cindi, moving this thread is something that neither you or I can do. This is just a blanket statement for the mods. Just a thought.

Cindi, does Joe and his ex have anymore children together?

Why is Joe afraid to put his foot down with her?

This, to me, just seems to be way deeper than I thought. Especially when you mention that this could be the final straw. What other things has he done to make you feel this way?

See, I think the problem is more him, than it is her. Am I right?

>thread moved to Relationships and retitled<

Hey, I wasn't taking sides with Catholic etiquette, just saying what I think their view is.
I feel like you have been shooting the messengers here.
I was on your side in all this.
Now my feeling is it's over, it's probably never going to happen again, let it go.

Sorry you had to go through this and be made so angry over it, but despite what the wife told you, you should have been MUCH more cautious over this very trying time with his ex and stepped back at the first hint of trouble. I would not have gone I think, and if I did would never ever position myself between TWO grieving parents.

He did what he had to to keep the peace, for all his family except to explain it to you once he got the lay of the land. I think once you have vented your anger you should understand and forgive him for this.

I mean she is probably living down your being there and was probably just being gracious in offering you be there in the first place. You are mistaken if he was going to confront here directly or in public at such a time as the death of their child. Making a bigger deal out of this is NOT helping him deal with a difficult situation, but the poor guy gets it from his ex and YOU!!

Talk about bad timing for a double whammy. Let it go!! Or else her BS worked to perfection didn't it? I get your blunt honesty,and your anger, but you ignored the obvious in the first place. Their history, that ended badly. Even if she had good intentions seeing you there with her dead baby daddy was too much for her and added to her misery.

Vent and let it go and take this as a learning experience for later. You are supposed to help him through this grief (even if she caused it), NOT add to it, by taking it personally, and make this about your anger at him. He will be grieving for a while, a funeral doesn't stop that.

Sorry to be blunt, but the way you handle yourself NOW is what will count, not the crap she pulled, he expects that from her. One of the many reasons they ain't together now! I urge you to let this go and forget its about religion, etiquette or any of that and just forgive to people who had a major tragedy strike them.

If her behavior was bad, or his, is yours any better?

Moderator--can you please kill this thread. I meant it really as an etiquette question, that was the main intent. I appreciate everyone's feedback. But I respectfully ask that this be deleted.

Thanks,

C

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Originally Posted by moosiferus

But I respectfully ask that this be deleted.

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I'm sorry, posts here never get deleted unless they violate the Terms of Service.