Ask Me Help Desk - Virgin Guy 23, sick and lonely

Let's start from the beginning, I'm a 23 year old virgin living in a small town. As a kid I was really really fat, and at the age of 18 I was diagnosed with diabetes. This made me change my lifestyle quite drastically, I had to change my diet and I have to eat regularly on the hour. I also started to workout, either going to the gym, jogging or swimming. I'm not the fittest guy in the world and I don't have a six-pack but I'm not the fat kid anynore and I know logically that I'm at least decent looking. But I still have problems looking in the mirror since all I see is that ugly fat guy I used to be.

When I was 19 I went to a party with a couple of friends where I meet a girl. We had a lot of fun talking and I could tell she was intrestead in me. We decided to leave the party and go skinny dipping at the beach, I was really nervouse about it since I'm not what you would call well endowed (5.5 inches). But on our way to the beach she gave me my first kiss and we stopped several times to make out, and I felt like I started to lose control over what I was doing. The thing is she was kind of drunk, (not falling over drunk but definitely not sober) I on the other hand because of my diabetes can't drink alcohol anymore. Before we started skinny dipping I asked her if she wanted to stop since she had been drinking and I was sober, she answerd me by taking of all her clothes and after that my brain wouldn't let my resist. I still feel guilty about it because some part of me feel like I took advantage of her, but I couldn't helpmyself. I had never been so happy in my life, kissing a girl that was sitting naked on my lap while in the water. Because her and my friend was with us we didn't go all the way, but I didn't care. I tried contacting her a couple of days later and then she told me it was a nice evening but she didn't want to meet me. She also told me the reason was that I wasn't a good kisser and that she didn't want to teach me, when I told her she was my first kiss. Have u ever felt guilty for hooking up with or kissing a drunk girl when u where sober?

That really didn't help my confidence and to make matters worse I had developed a chronic condition called prostatitis which basically means almost every time I pee it feels like I'm peeing acid. And after an orgasm there is a 50/50 chance I will experience extreme pain. All this had made me really shy, and then I started my last year of high school. I actually got a couple of girl friends and I started to fall for a girl in my class. We could talk for hours everyday, but she had a boyfriend so I didn't want to cross that line. When see broke up with him I wanted to tell her how I felt but I was to late, after a month she started to date a good friend of mine. The rest of the school year went by with the love of my life being too far away. At the end of the school year I couldn't take it anymore, I told her how I felt. I said I didn't expect anything I just had to tell her, she was the first girl I had ever loved. Let's just say that not only didn't she respond to my feelings, but I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. That really made me feel guilty, and the thought of ever telling a girl how I feel really scares me.

I've always been kind of a nerdy guy, playing video games and reading comics etc. And it's really clear if u come to my home that I'm a nerd. I'm almost like lenoard from the big bang theory expect I'm not that smart. So if I ever get a girlfriend there are something's about me she is just going to have to accept. But because of all of my other problems, I just wouldn't feel right about subjecting someone to the pain I have to live with everyday. There has been other girls and even some grown women that has come on to me, but I've been to scared about my kissing, being a virgin I know I'm going to suck, because of my size, the chance of pain, and I will probably not last long. And being a virgin for so long I don't feel like it would be right to lose it to some random drunk girl. I'm not saving myself for marrige or anything like that, but I would like to at least have known the girl for more then five seconds. I recently met a gir that I thought could be perfect for me, we went out for a couple of times on what I thought were dates, but a couple of days ago she changed her Facebook status to in a releationship with a guy I know.

What kind of tips do u have for a guy like me to actually get a girlfriend? a part of my feel like I don't deserve it, but I'm tired of being misrable, I want to be happy. I might get to a point where I will get desparet enough to just hook up with some random girl and pretend she cares about me but I'm not there yet. My birthday is coming up soon though and being without psyhical contact for so long is starting to get really hard. I just want a girl to share my life with, cuddle up in bed, and telling me she loves me. I had a dream about this recent girl last night and I woke up crying like a baby, it felt so good for a second to believe that someone was holding me and caring about me. I've actually considered going to a prostitute, not for sex, but just laying on a bed and holding each other. Should I just find some random girl to "train" with? So that I'm ready if I ever find someone that can love a guy like me. Cause honestly sex scares me, but I don't want to be bad if I find the right girl.

Sorry for potential bad grammar, I'm on pain meds atm.

Well, 23 is really not too old to be a virgin. I have a very good friend of mine who was 26 before he lost his virginity. It's a personal thing and different for everyone. Our journeys in this life vary. However, it sound like its more the loneliness. I get that. It can grow over time. It can reach unbearable strengths.

Well I can offer a few pieces of advice:

1.) All guys, at some point, have wondered or worried about their size. All of them. That is the easiest area I can give you some peace of mind. 5.5 is pretty average. (shh... guys on here probably don't want me saying that) But its true. Also, there is a such thing as too big. That can be uncomfortable for the woman. 48% of men fall between 5.5" and 6". So, you are an average guy. Don't sweat it.

2.) Your first time is not going to be the best. Experience does matter there. However, you could watch some instructional videos or read the Kama Sutra. That will at least prepare you a little. For length of time, you can always have a slow build up. Make out, take it slow. Pay attention to your breathing. Give her some pleasure for a while before you begin. Then it won't seem short on time. Also, most women that are interested in YOU will have another go at it.

3.) For meeting a girl, I highly recommend online dating. You can meet several ladies at your own pace. It is good practice. Start by exchanging emails, then talk on the phone. Meet someone for coffee, so it doesn't take a long time like a dinner. Then keep going out. Practice meeting new people, until it isn't a big deal. I am speaking from experience on this one. It worked for me. Now, I am happy. The first several were awkward but I learned from them.

4.) You have to first and foremost BELIEVE you deserve it. If you don't, why should anyone else? You can do it. One step at a time and you will surprise yourself.

Best of luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magpie95

3.) For meeting a girl, I highly recommend online dating. You can meet several ladies at your own pace. It is good practice. Start by exchanging emails, then talk on the phone. Meet someone for coffee, so it doesn't take a long time like a dinner. Then keep going out. Practice meeting new people, until it isn't a big deal. I am speaking from experience on this one. It worked for me. Now, I am happy. The first several were awkward but I learned from them.

I'm an investigator by profession - I think this is dangerous for the OP who has basically no experience with women, is almost desperate to be in a relationship, can't sort the good from the bad.

I get called into the "dating on line" scenario a couple of times a month when people who are "exprienced" in dating run into someone who is not honest, who is not who he/she seems to be or appears to be, takes advantage.

The OP is totally inexperienced - I think this could potentially be a bad idea.

First suggestion: Get out there into life. Meet people and do things. Is there a library in your town or in a bigger town near you? Join a book discussion group or a writers' group (you're a good writer) -- or start such a group. (I can tell you how.) Go to programs the library presents -- crafting or job hunting or animal behavior or a musical performance or whatever is offered that rings your chimes.

I have more suggestions, but think about this first one and comment on it, please. Oh, and speaking of Big Bang Theory, I'm a Penny and married a Sheldon, so take hope from that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm an investigator by profession - I think this is dangerous for the OP who has basically no experience with women, is almost desperate to be in a relationship, can't sort the good from the bad.

I get called into the "dating on line" scenario a couple of times a month when people who are "exprienced" in dating run into someone who is not honest, who is not who he/she seems to be or appears to be, takes advantage.

The OP is totally inexperienced - I think this could potentially be a bad idea.

I had no dating experience and it worked for me. I met the man I love online. I think you are at equal risk of people being dishonest any way you would meet them. I didn't have a bad experience once. Lots of strange ones, but taking steps like meeting in a public place and not giving your personal information until you know them, prevented me from having to deal with any of that.

I think there is still a stigma about online dating. But I think in time it will fade. It's really no more dangerous than meeting someone at a bar and more effective than being set up by friends and family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magpie95

I had no dating experience and it worked for me. I met the man I love online. I think you are at equal risk of people being dishonest any way you would meet them. I didn't have a bad experience once. Lots of strange ones, but taking steps like meeting in a public place and not giving your personal information until you know them, prevented me from having to deal with any of that.

I think there is still a stigma about online dating. But I think in time it will fade. It's really no more dangerous than meeting someone at a bar and more effective than being set up by friends and family.

We are obviously in different lines of work - but I respect your opinion.

My stepson met his wife on line. I don't know that there's a stigma.

I'm surprised that you were a virgin with no dating experience and found someone on line but, again, I only get asked to work the disasters, not the success stories.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

We are obviously in different lines of work - but I respect your opinion.

My stepson met his wife on line. I don't know that there's a stigma.

I'm surprised that you were a virgin with no dating experience and found someone on line but, again, I only get asked to work the disasters, not the success stories.

I wasn't a virgin. I just had no dating experience. I married my first relationship. Never dated before that. Surprise.. Surprise.. I ended up divorced in my 30s having no dating experience. I was awkward and had low self esteem due to my divorce (husband cheated and moved in with his 22 yr old girlfriend). People you meet in your everyday life, you have to see again. So, if it doesn't work out or you feel you embarrassed yourself, etc... You have to see them at the office, church, or where ever. Online provided me a way to get some experience without the mess.

But your right, I am sure there are plenty of bad stories to be told. I didn't for 3 years before I met my boyfriend and am glad to say I don't have one to tell.

There is risk with everything in life, though I suppose. One should be cautious with whomever and however you meet people.

I actually met someone mid November, like me she didn't have it easy growing up. She have some health problems like I do (clearly not the same thing) and we shared a lot of the same intrests. I know it was to early to tell, but within the first couple of days, I pretty much knew she was the one I wanted to lose my virginity to. But I knew I would have to tell her all the spesifics of my health problems before anything could happen.

She early figured out that I was not used to this kind of stuff, and after a couple of weeks she asked me if I was a virgin and I told her yes. She had been so open and honest about her life and experiences good and bad, so when she asked me if I was saving myself or if there was a spesific reason I decided to do the same and tell her the truth about everything. She said that she understood and there was no rush. We were both busy with work the last couple of days so we didn't see each other, but it gave me time to think. And I was just more and more convinced that she was the girl I had been waiting for. Then comes to fun part that sounds like it came out of a f*****g movie, I take all the preporcusions I can possibly take and drive over to her apartment and catch her having sex with her ex.

She then apologises for me having to find out that way, but tells me that sex is a very important part in a relationship for her, and she didn't know if she could handle all the humps and work it would take to get it to maybe work out. I tell her that I understand, and that honestly I wouldn't want to go out with me either, I'm just too screwed up. It hurt like hell, but we weren't in a compited relationship or whatever, so I really couldn't be too mad.

And she should count herself lucky that she didn't go for me, around christmas I got an infection that made everything worse. Meaning I'm now pretty much in chronic pain 24/7, I have to use pain meds everyday regularly just to be able to half way function, and I've had to up the doses drastically and I'm still in some form of uncomfort. Last time I had an orgasm I ended up in the E.R. where they had to give me morphine to get the pain to go away and I for the first time since what feels like forever slept longer then 2-3 hours at a time. I am damaged goods and I always will be.

Which is why I've decided to save up money to go to amsterdam, I'm going to numb myself with drugs, buy a high end escort to give me the girlfriend experience, pretending that she loves me, lose my virginity, and after that I'm not sure how much more I can take and how long I will go on for. One thing is for sure, I can't wait for the legalization of the medicin my doctor has told me could possibly help

I think you need a therapist, not a trip to Amsterdam and a "high priced" hooker. First, if orgasm cripples you (so to speak) what is the hooker supposed to do?

I see a lot of "poor me" here.

I think your issues are deeper than sex.