Ask Me Help Desk - Does he sound like a player? Will I get hurt and used?

I like a guy, we have been textin for like 9 months now and within the 9 months he has asked me out, but I wasn't ready so I said no, but he still carried on texting and his texts are always flirty, he always calls me babe, or princess or sexy or beautiful or anything really. I really like him now, and basically I don't do chasin so I'm waiting for him to ask me on a date again. However I'm still a little worried as I have a few things in mind that he's said over the past 9 months that keep haunting me. Firstly the first thing was I have been with 8 girls from work, I want to make it 10 before I leave another thing he said ages ago was something abou sackin a girl off when the sex gets boring. This was waaay back probably about 12 months he said that to me, and back then he probably didn't even see me in the way he does now. But I don't know, obviously I really reaaly do like him and I think about him all the time, I want to be with him and I miss him like mad when I don't see him or he doesn't text (as sometimes he texts before bed) but then I think to myself well even though I have got to know him and seen a different side to him which I like is he still playing a number game? Am I going to end up hurt? Or being used for sex? But then I think well would he still be after me after 9 months after me turning him down several times if he didn't like me? And apparently he always talks about me to others and whenever we are together he always shas time for me, he's always really caring and listens to everythin I say and he always protects me and looks out for me and sticks up for me and I really like him. Please help me? Does he sound like a player?

AND... if I was to talk to him about what he said months and months ago and say to him look what you said keeps hauntin me, did you mean that? Do you reckon he would get annoyed by that? Or is it best to be honest with him?

If you can't tell I have never been in a relationship before!

Thanks guys any help is greatly appreciated!

Despite your lack of experience, I think your instincts are on track about how he sounds like a player. Sorry. Girls should never be notches: "been with 8 girls, want to make it 10" and he calls you all those names for the effect it has on you but some part of you knows that already too, I would guess here? I would definitely ask about the remark he made when the sex gets boring but plan on hearing a gamer's answer when you do, okay?

The way most players get the to the ones who aren't is by making them feel like they are so special that this time the player will suddenly be real and sincere and this is all because of how special their partner is. But the truth is, while we are each unique, rarely is this the way a player stops playing, very very rarely. It is so much bigger of a deal than that but you won't see it all until its hindsight probably. That he has your interest is worth his continued attention -- that is how it works.

I see wher you are coming from, which is why I keep asking myself should I or shouln't I? I'm not so worried about the "dump her when the sex gets borin" as in all fairness he was talking about a hig best mate and my best mate as they had a little fling, but at the end of the day it was still his words. And as for the 8 and wanting to make it 10, that worries me the most partly the fact that that looks like he just moves round from people to people but also because I dunt want to be seen as number 9. but then he is so nice to me, and fair enough I see wher your coming from when saying players are like that and I know that from experience, but would a player keep going for 9 months, after me even saying no we are just friends? Would that not mean a player would move on? And then I turned him down a second time and he still came back? The thing is I like him purely on personality, he has no good looks at all, and not many people like him in work, I'm just confused as what to do! Thanks for your help!

Oh sweetie, players can play the game indefinitely. They really can. Look at who likes him and who trusts him though, over time that may change and reveal more to you. Look at who he has discarded and how he has discarded them as that is a good indication of your future with him.

Enjoy the attention if you want. Give him nothing back... unless you are prepared.

Even if he's not the player he makes himself out to be, he's not in the right frame of mind to treat you well.

So it really is your choice... if you date him you might have fun. But don't expect to be anything more than a notch on the bedpost. He's told you this is a goal of his.

You can't date him and then complain about bad treatment, knowing it was likely from the start. And you can't date someone thinking you'll be the one to change them. It might happen. Its less likely.

So its up to you. Some people aren't interested in serious relationships. Some people just want to date and have fun and aren't concerned about "the details"... its up to you.

Just remember, a guy who sleeps around will be more likely to have std's, since he's not too picky about who he beds, and also remember, even protected sex can result in pregnancy... so you need to keep this in mind when choosing who you want to be with.

I agree with valinors_sorrow. Trust your gut instincts. They are warning you that something is not quite right with this whole thing. Even if this guy was fooling when he said those things, he said them. Also, I think the fact that he hasn't asked you out again shows that he could be a player. Players don't quit until the game is over, and the ones who want to make it like your 'fault' may not ask you out again... they get off on you asking them (or at the very least hinting they should ask you again).

Players like playing... that can be texting, emails, telephone, IM's, or even in person. They are big flirts, very charming and know all the right things to say and do. First they feel you out to see what you will tolerate, then they stay within those limits. They are good at what they do, and will hurt you when you play the game back.

Keep your distance. I know someone suggested you should enjoy the attention if you want, and that may be true, but you have already said that you think about him all the time, miss him like crazy, etc. It is hard to let go if you are feeling that way. It is difficult to move on to something healthier. Players count on that. In my opinion you should wrap your life around other things, gradually decreasing the amount of time you spend involved with him. Have some fun, find a guy who respects you and be happy!

Love, Didi

Thanks guy I really appreciate all your help.
I'm still undecided, as basically I have told myself it would work and things would be different with me, but I don't know why I feel that way. I think it because I feel that after all this time and me telling him he will never have a chance and yet he still came back.
I don't see him as a player, he doesn't go round other girls since he has been involved with me. But still I'm left confused. Basically I think I need to get over him but I know its going to be hard. Ill think about what you have all posted, thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by zebs

...i have told myself it would work and things would be different with me...

People think this all the time. Theyd tell a girlfriend that she's being silly for falling for a guy who is playing her, but when its you, you think you can "fix" the problem. We are sometimes the last to take the advice wed give others when it comes to romance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zebs

...i think it because i feel that after all this time and me telling him he will never have a chance and yet he stil came back...

Don't take his pursuit as honesty. Really. I'm NOT saying he couldn't be nice to you, but a person who doesn't takes "no" for and answer doesn't necessarily NOT want to get into your pants any less that the guy who stops after the first no! Really. If anything, this guy has probably learned that being confident and taking the chance to get rejected over and over eventually pays off.

Again, not that confidence and pursuit is bad, in itself. I think it's a great quality on its own... but when tied to a guy who has played others, its just a tool to get what he wants.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zebs

...i dont see him as a player, he doesnt go round other girls since he has been involved with me...

*sigh* not that you know. Do you really think a guy who is seeing other girls is going to let you in on it? That he might just be good at hiding it?

Again, people can change. It IS possible he genuinely likes you and that he's ready for a relationship. But you MUST, if you choose to pursue it against better advice, keep your guard up and not get in deep too fast. If he's too impatient and not willing to go by your rules then you'll know the truth.

But good con men have a way of keeping people in the dark.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zebs

i have told myself it would work and things would be different with me, but i don't know why i feel that way.

Listen, all players count on you having that very feeling of "things would be different with me". LOL Please! Unless you have really concrete stuff to point to and lots of it too, it won't be different. Get your head out of those clouds, Girlfriend or plan on getting hurt and there is the opening you gave it. This is why I talked about being too "special" in that first post, okay?

Just be honest, a relationship won't last if you guys aren't honest

Quote:

Originally Posted by zebs

im still undecided, as basically i have told myself it would work and things would be different with me...

Indecision is usually the first indicator that your heart is battling with your mind. Your head is saying no, but your heart is saying yes. Usually the head is the gut instinct... the survival instinct... the one using your brains rather than your emotions. If you let your heart rule your head you will likely spend a lifetime filled with sadness. The emotional side of you comes from deep down, unmet emotional needs. Listen to your emotional side, too... but remember it is borne of need and desire not common sense and safety.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zebs

i dont see him as a player, he doesnt go round other girls since he has been involved with me...

Well, I just had to comment on this one! First of all, being a player does not instantly mean that he has more than one woman on the go. It just means that he enjoys playing the game more than what happens after the game is over. Secondly, how do you really know?? Are you with him 24/7? Sheesh. The best players can have a dozen gals (or guys... women can be players as well!) as playing pieces and each one of them would swear that they were the only one!

Quote:

Originally Posted by zebs

...but still im left confused. basically i think i need to get over him but i know its going to be hard...

You are left confused because you are trying to fight common sense. I reiterate. You asked the question because your head says he's a player but your emotions - your need to be cared about - are messing with your head. Players pick their prey well. They can spot an emotionally needy person a mile away. Once you let them get away with one small slight they have you pegged. If they call you a term of endearment and you don't straighten them out ("Excuse me? You don't even know me. Why would you call me sweetheart?"), if you are overly available, answer their texts immediately every time, see them every time they want, etc. they KNOW that you have emotional needs that you aren't meeting yourself.

No matter what you wrote, please pay attention... the words that follow the word BUT are the most important, most meaninful words. That's the common sense in you trying to get out. You have received a lot of valuable feedback in this forum... and your head is attempting to get you to pay attention. I hope that you will step away from this situation fast, because I truly believe you will get hurt.

I would recommend that you find a means of exploring why you feel that you need to treat a stranger, or even a friend, better than you are willing to treat yourself. You must find a way to address the emotional needs within yourself FOR yourself. Pay attention to your head and the advice of many strangers who are on the outside looking in, from unbiased eyes. We all have nothing to gain in cautioning you against someone who we all have a gut feeling may not be good for you. However, you have a LOT to lose if you don't listen to your head, and the common sense passed on by many without a vested interest.

Good luck!

Love, Didi

Quote:

Originally Posted by zebs

i like a guy, we have been textin for like 9 months now and within the 9 months he has asked me out, but i wasnt ready so i said no, but he still carried on texting and his texts are always flirty, he always calls me babe, or princess or sexy or beautiful or anythin really. i really like him now, and basically i dont do chasin so im waitin for him to ask me on a date again. however im stil a lil worried as i have a few things in mind that hes said over the past 9 months that keep haunting me. firstly the first thing was i have been with 8 girls from work, i want to make it 10 before i leave another thing he said ages ago was something abou sackin a girl off when the sex gets boring. this was waaay back probably about 12 months he said that to me, and back then he probably didnt even see me in the way he does now. but i jus dont know, obviously i really reaaly do like him and i think about him all the time, i want to be with him and i miss him like mad wen i dont see him or he doesnt text (as sometimes he jus texts before bed) but then i think to myself well even though i have got to know him and seen a different side to him which i like is he stil playin a number game? am i going to end up hurt? or being used for sex? but then i think well would he still be after me after 9 months after me turning him down several times if he didnt like me? and apparently he always talks about me to others and whenever we are together he alway shas time for me, hes always really caring and listens to everythin i say and he always protects me and looks out for me and sticks up for me and i really like him. please help me?! does he sound like a player?

AND...if i was to talk to him about what he said months and months ago and jus say to him look what you said keeps hauntin me, did you mean that? do you reckon he would get annoyed by that? or is it best to be honest with him?

if you can't tell i have never been in a relationship before!

thanks guys any help is greatly appreciated!

I think that you shouldn't put too much into this guy because he could just be telling things that he knows you would to hear. So take my advice and just stay friends with him.