Ask Me Help Desk - Confused

I was married to my now ex husband for 21 yrs... He divorced me after he found out I was having an affair with my high school sweetheart who is married with 4 children all under the age of 18... I have 2 children with my ex but they are 19 & 21... Through out my marriage I nvr worked or socialized with anyone my husband had me almost isolated from the world.So one day my daughter suggested I get a Facebook account so I could get intouch with old friends from school so I did... Long story short my ex boyfriend from high school friend requested me, it turned out he lived 2 miles away from me we initiated an affair mostly emotionally my husband found the emails and filed for divorce, I know he still loved me very much as I loved him as well we had a terrible marriage he nvr told me he loved me or showed any love or affection .I often told him I wasn't happy and that we should seek councilling he nvr agreed to it so when my ex started talking to me he would tell me everything I wanted my husband to tell me and much more, I thought I was in love with him, he would tell me I was the love of his life and that he nvr stopped loving me in 21 yrs... he said the only thing he felt for his wife was compassion... I believed every word he told me! But when my husband divorced me he didn't offer to leave his wife like he always said he would all he would tell me is that I needed to get my own place so he could come over... I felt used and betrayed.. I had lost 21 yrs of marriage to a respectful man not to mention the respect from my children & family for a looser that claimed to love me but was all nothing but a lie!! I was able to convince my ex husband to forgive me and we are now living together trying to work things out... and although I deleted my fb the other day the "ex boyfriend " found a way to email me and tell me that he misses me, even after he already knows I'm trying to move on with my life!. So here's the question... Is it wrong of me to want to go tell his wife everything that happened between us so he can back off and she can know what kind of a scumb bag she's married to or should I just leave it alone?

Tough answer... because you should have NO contact... but part of me wants to say, respond once and only once to his email... tell him its over, leave you alone, do not try and contact you again... and if he doesn't stop you will have no choice but to ask his wife to make him stop.

Then add his email address to your spam filter so it goes straight to your junk mail folder and ended up deleted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElizabethFlores

I was married to my now ex husband for 21 yrs.... He divorced me after he found out I was having an affair with my high school sweetheart who is married with 4 children all under the age of 18... I have 2 children with my ex but they are 19 & 21.... Through out my marriage I nvr worked or socialized with anyone my husband had me almost isolated from the world.So one day my daughter suggested I get a Facebook account so I could get intouch with old friends from school so I did... Long story short my ex boyfriend from high school friend requested me, it turned out he lived 2 miles away from me we initiated an affair mostly emotionally my husband found the emails and filed for divorce, I know he still loved me very much as I loved him as well we had a terrible marriage he nvr told me he loved me or showed any love or affection .I often told him I wasn't happy and that we should seek councilling he nvr agreed to it so when my ex started talking to me he would tell me everything I wanted my husband to tell me and much more, I thought I was in love with him, he would tell me I was the love of his life and that he nvr stopped loving me in 21 yrs...he said the only thing he felt for his wife was compassion.... I believed every word he told me! But when my husband divorced me he didn't offer to leave his wife like he always said he would all he would tell me is that I needed to get my own place so he could come over... I felt used and betrayed.. I had lost 21 yrs of marriage to a respectful man not to mention the respect from my children & family for a looser that claimed to love me but was all nothing but a lie!?!? I was able to convince my ex husband to forgive me and we are now living together trying to work things out...and although I deleted my fb the other day the "ex boyfriend " found a way to email me and tell me that he misses me, even after he already knows I'm trying to move on with my life!!!....So here's the question ... Is it wrong of me to want to go tell his wife everything that happened between us so he can back off and she can know what kind of a scumb bag she's married to or should I just leave it alone??

Let's see - the "scumb" bag was good enough for you to cheat with when you were both married. Now your husband has divorced you and the married boyfriend has turned into a scumb bag because you are alone and he isn't. I think that's the shorter verision of your long story.

I do note that you are living with your "ex," but you have not remarried.

Yes, it would be immoral for you to tell his wife "everything" that happened between you.

I see all sorts of excuses and reasons you had an affair - none of them your fault. The married boyfriend was a scumbag. Unforunately, you were both married and having an affair outside your marriages.

Why aren't you also a scumbag? Or is he a scumbag because your husband found out and threw you out and he's still with his wife?

When both parties are married, when both parties are aware of the status of the other party there is no good guy, no bad guy.

Ignore him and concentrate on your own problems. Revenge is never the answer and makes you look smaller than you already look.

@ Judy, you are so right I am no better than the "scumb bag" the reason I called him that is because he made me false promises... Although to be honest I was infatuated with the emails and the fantasy world he would make me believe , when I would see him I was totally not attracted to him at all that is why I nvr told his wife because I didn't want to ruin his family if I didn't want him... It just infuriating that he thinks he can come back and try to ruin what I'm trying to work on even after my ex husband already threatened him! That's why I asked the question , I didn't want to subconsciously want to tell his wife for the wrong reasons. All of this happened in a period of 6 months... I'm 36 yrs old and if it doesn't work out with my ex husband ( I hope it does) I don't want this a$$hole in my life , I already raised my 2 children and have no interest in raising nobody else's children or put up with momma drama! So bottom line if he doesn't leave me alone I will have no other choice but to tell his wife no matter how little that makes me look.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElizabethFlores

@ Judy, you are so right I am no better than the "scumb bag" the reason I called him that is bc he made me false promises ... Although to be honest I was infatuated with the emails and the fantasy world he would make me beleive , when I would see him I was totally not attracted to him at all that is why I nvr told his wife bc I didn't want to ruin his family if I didn't want him..... It just infuriating that he thinks he can come back and try to ruin what I'm trying to work on even after my ex husband already threatened him!! That's why I asked the question , I didn't want to subconsciously want to tell his wife for the wrong reasons. All of this happened in a period of 6 months.... I'm 36 yrs old and if it doesn't work out with my ex husband ( I hope it does) I don't want this a$$hole in my life , I already raised my 2 children and have no interest in raising nobody else's children or put up with momma drama! So bottom line if he doesn't leave me alone I will have no other choice but to tell his wife no matter how little that makes me look.

You do have another choice - ignore him. Eventually he'll get tired and go away. I would look very, very carefully at my motives before I "reported" him to anyone. You think you have your hands full now? Wait until you tell his wife and she decides to divorce him for cruel and inhuman OR adultery OR irreconcilable differences (depending on the State) and drags you into it. I've seen Attorney discourage it but clients insist.

OR go to an Attorney, explain the situation and ask him/her to step in.

It would be wrong depending on the real motive.
Why would you tell her now? Why wouldn't you do it before your husband found out?
You can threaten him to tell his wife and show her the emails so he can leave you alone, but other than that you'll only harm someone that doesn't even know about your existence.

Also, emotionless marriage and whatnot, these are lame excuses and reasons. I understand, however, that you need them as a psychological or emotional crutch but you should not consider them as being valid.

Move on with your life. If you feel betrayed, think about how your ex-husband must feel. Surely there is at least one time where he asked what you were doing, while you were chatting or writing to your high school sweetheart, and you gave him some bs like surfing the net. Focuse on that, instead.

It's really a strike of luck that your husband is patient enough to take you back, so don't push it too far.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spunoh

You can threaten him to tell his wife and show her the emails so he can leave you alone, but other than that you'll only harm someone that doesn't even know about your existence..

I would be very careful about threatening anyone about anything - at the moment she has grounds to go to the Police (if he harassed her). Don't give him that opening.

And if you think the boyfriend is a problem now, wait until she tells his wife.