Hello. I have been dating a married man but he is in an open relationship and practices " polyamory ". For those who do not know what polyamory is, its when a person or couple are interested in sharing their love with one or more people. There's more to it. Like I said, I have been dating this guy for almost 10 months now. When I first met him he told me right off the bat that he's married and he's in this poly lifestyle. I told him I just got out of a divorce and am not interested in a committed relationship. Well, what a surprise but I am now in love with him. I've met his wife and for the most part we got along well but as the months went on and he and I began falling for each other, she began to get jealous. I feel like a complete idiot and creep. For one, she would say she is all for poly herself, but now that she sees her husband has fallen for me big time, now all of a sudden she doesn't like me dating him. Personally I already know myself that I was with him because I wanted my cake and be able to eat it too. I wanted the sex and intimacy and yet wanted to still remain single and have my life for myself. However, through many serious conversations with this guy over the months, he keeps telling me he loves me and wants me to move in and be in his life, but yet he's not willing to get divorced or leave. He is very wealthy compared to me. He has a beautiful home and acres and acres of property. He's even 15 yrs. Older then me. My whole life I felt I was a pretty intelligent person but lately, I have to question my judgement. The whole thing I am dealing with now is that I really, really,really do love him but have told myself I just don't want to be in a threesome relationship. Even if I was bi sexual, she isn't even my type. He talks about the three of us living together, meanwhile she hates me... rightfully so! And right now I am not exactly excited about her either. I only see this guy maybe once a week. Friday nights and part of Saturday, at best. But my real dilemma gets juicier... my ex has been talking to me and might be interested possibly in rekindling what we had. I am hesitant because he is somewhat aggressive by nature. He never hit me or anything, but he's a very domeanering type that has to be in charge and we clash a lot. He gets very excitable where the married guy doesn't. I love this guy I am with but not in love with his lifestyle. I keep thinking about breaking this off but am concerned about being alone (which is kind of dumb) and also, I feel like I might never meet anyone like this guy again. I would be interested in my ex but he'd have to work very hard to learn how to communicate better with me. In truth though, I really would prefer the married man but if he doesn't want what I want, what can I do? I am not mad at him or his wife. Im disappointed in myself to a degree but I need some advice. Please help.

Thanks for bearing with me through this long message.

trujew:(

Well, honey, you have gotten yourself into a bit of a mess, haven't you? I am familiar with polyamory. Frankly, I don't believe it is a life choice that works, exactly for the reasons you have stated here.

Polyamory isn't about having sex with the other spouse, as I think you know. It is about having more than one sex partner, not a threesome. Obviously, this is an arrangement he really likes and his wife probably went on board with this rather than risk losing him. Although, sometimes, the wife (or husband, as the case may be) is into polyamory but when the spouse starts falling for the other person, the insecurities start to surface big time. That is why it doesn't work. This isn't a perfect world and it is a rare individual that can put a cap on his/her emotions. Polyamory is a way to have an affair without sneaking
Around. Everything is up front and there aren't any lies about what you are doing.

trujew, the bottom line is, he will not divorce his wife. And, think about this for a minute. What if he does and wants to marry you? Will you be secure in that relationship knowing this is a lifestyle choice that he embraces and will want to continue with? I doubt it very much.

As for your ex, you need to remember why he is your ex. Don't go that route again. Going back to him as a fallback guy is not the answer.

You need to break from the relationship with the married man and your ex. You need some time to yourself. The only way you will know what you want out of life is to separate yourself from the things that are emotionally clouding your judgement. You need to find a man that is available and that will treat you the way the married guy does. Period.

I would say if you don't want to share the man you love with someone else, you need to get out of this relationship. You don't need to get back with your ex, stay single, its not o bad, until you meet the right person.

He looks good and makes you feeel good, but he is poison to you. It is not unusul to be impressed with something that glitters when we are looking for something good. After a divorce we have to fill that spot with something and often get attached to it and think we are in love. The truth is you don't have a life of your own that you enjoy that makes you happy. Until you do then you will fall for anything, whether it is healthy or not. Work on your own healing process and leave the exes alone. You've wasted enough time on relationships that are going nowhere. Get healthy and love yourself.