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So I found out that I was wrong with my dates and the man I thought was the father, turns out isn't.. I know who the father is but he has no idea that he may have a son who is 2 now. My son has an amazing father with my finacée and were happy but it's a question of morality.. do I tell the bio-dad he has a child or do I leave it as is? Please be kind it's a difficult choice!
Quote:
Originally Posted by GemzB
Has reliable DNA been used to prove paternity?
Yes, you need to tell the bio dad now that you know that your fiancé is not the father.
Morally, yes. Also if you ever want child support, if you and your fiancé marry and you are aware of the ID of the bio father, you need to state the truth.
[QUOTE=JudyKayTee;3246800]Has reliable DNA been used to prove paternity?
Yes, you need to tell the bio dad now that you know that your fiancé is not the father.
Morally, yes. Also if you ever want child support, if you and your fiancé marry and you are aware of the ID of the bio father, you need to state the truth.[/QUOTE
Im not looking for support we are living happily but it's a question of morality whether I ruin 4 people's lives by telling a man who doesn't know he has a kid or do I go on living happily ever after?
[QUOTE=GemzB;3246804]Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
How do you figure you are ruining 4 lives?
You are asking for "permission" to live "happily ever after" based on a lie. I think it's immoral.
[QUOTE=JudyKayTee;3246812]Its ruining a mans life that doesn't know any different, our lives because now I have to fight off a man coming into my sons life taking credit for his upbringing when my fiancée has been there from the beginning, and my sons life because now he's confused between two men and who's his dad.Quote:
Originally Posted by GemzB
[QUOTE=GemzB;3246830]Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
I don't agree - your son is entitled to know his parentage. He isn't the first nor will he be the last child in this situation. One is his father, one is his Dad.
You would have no grounds to "fight off" a man coming into your son's life - the man is his father and if he goes to Court to enforce his rights, he's entitled to do so.
And - if you have conclusive proof that the bio father IS the bio father how are you going to get around that at some time in the future?
You asked a question about morality. I gave you an answer. If your mind was already made up, your "argument" in favor of saying nothing was already in place, why did you post the question?
And why was DNA done?
[QUOTE=JudyKayTee;3246839]DNA wasn't done I did the math myself and know for sure. Its not like I slept around and belong on Springer.. I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether my son is happy enough having his dad or knowing his father. Hes only 2 so its not an issue now but you it's a matter of ruining this guy's life letting him know.. I'm not a bad person I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place.Quote:
Originally Posted by GemzB
[QUOTE=GemzB;3246882]Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Without DNA evidence you have suspicions, nothing else. I am guessing there's no name on the birth certificate?
Hopefully you and your fiancé do live happily ever after. If you do not I can see a problem. I also never understand why a mother doesn't ask for child support, allow the father to visit with the child, if the mother doesn't need the support money put it in the bank for the child's college education.
No one is saying you slept around - it would appear that for that brief period you had sex with more than one person. I don't understand why it's taken you 2 years to wonder about the ID of the father - or maybe you always did and now you're putting it into words.
Marry your fiancé, notify the father that your fiancé wants to adopt the child, end it that way.
Why would this ruin the father's life? I see this all the time - nobody gets "ruined" in the process.
Or was he married when you had sex with him?
[QUOTE=JudyKayTee;3246919]Ok... I think your starting to make this personal to your own experiences with people and are making me out to be the bad guy. Me and the dad went out and nothing happened after. He moved away and went on with his life, is in a relationship with someone else who has kids of her own. My issue with ruining his life is that he's happy and I would tell him he has a kid with me, where he's 6 hrs away, and someone else is his sons father. My son is just fine.with the dad he has because my fiancée has been there since the beginning helping to take care of him. I don't agree with taking support payments because I don't think its fair to take money from someone that's not in his life. I need advice not accusations. He wasn't married or with anyone so no I'm not a home-wrecker. I appreciate your somewhat advice but this isn't going anywhere when I feel I have to be on the defence with a total stranger. ThanksQuote:
Originally Posted by GemzB
[QUOTE=GemzB;3246948]Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
No, I haven't had any personal experiences similar to this in my life. I have had work/professional expriences with these situations, plenty of them.
That's my point - file for child support and the father may very well come back at you and want visitation. Your fiancé (or someone else in the future) wants to adopt, you have a serious legal problem.
You say you are going to blow up the father's life - how? If he wasn't married I don't see any problem (other than a moral issue) with having sex with you.
You asked for advice - I gave it. Obviously no one disagrees with me or they'd be posting here. Or maybe no one else is on line right now.
You asked a moral/ethical question. My answer is - the child is now 2. You either didn't get the math straight or did and didn't act on the information for 2 years. I have no idea whose name is on the birth certificate. It is a crime if a name you know is not correct is on the birth certificate.
Now without DNA you are wondering whether to tell the birth father. Get the child and the other possible father (I assume your fiance) DNA tested. At best that will rule the fiancé either in or out of the picture.
Morally - the child deserves to know his father. Maybe the father wants to know the child.
You asked, I answered. I don't care about your personal life. I do care what the information is in order to answer in a semi-informed fashion.
EDIT: I'm going to add what I told my stepdaughters and also my stepsons: If you decide to have sex and you both use the best protection possible PLEASE do not have sex with more than one person during one menstrual cycle. I see enough of this to make my hair stand on end. So pick your partner(s) wisely - you get 12 a year. (I will mention that my late husband blanched.)
I think this is incredibly simple in the long run but there is a piece of information I need to know. On the child's birth certificate what does it say under father? Fiancée or One-Night-Stand? The question about why you waited to figure this out is still there too.
You have a couple choices on the matter:
1). Say nothing and let life continue on as it has been. No one will fault you for that. Only one could and that would be you. You would be the only one who knew and he would grow up happy and healthy.
The one question is if you would be able to live with this. It isn't an easy thing to do. You're lying to both him and your future husband. When that hits the fan it is going to be messy. Like mud wrestling messy.
That will probably end your marriage and estrange your son. Depending.
The other thing is, from a genetics standpoint, your one-night-stand could have some serious gentic diseases that you or him might not be aware of. Why do the other children have diabetes and he doesn't? Or parkinsons, or any one of a hundred diseases. It is hard to hide paternity if someone goes wrong.
2). Fess up to all involved. This could be a stumbling ground for both your future husband, yourself, and the one-night-stand. Things will change. Will your finacee leave you? Probably not. Will he be angry at being LIED to? Probably. Will he get over it. Yes.
What will happen with the real father? Who knows. I think he will probably be happy to just continue on as things are. You're doing fine right now, let him know that you're not going for child support or joint custody, but that it is in fact his son. He might want to visit him. That's fine. Accept that it is part and parcell of your actions three years back.
This will have everything out in the open and everyone will be able to deal with it as appropriate. It is one of those things that is a big thing but kind of isn't? In this day and age a blended family isn't that uncommon of a thing. It is what it is.
Have him, once married, to adopt him as his son. Might need to give some visitations. In the end it will be healthier for all involved. This is one of those personal responsibility things that kind of sucks, but it is part of being an adult.
I would say that you should be honest and let things play out as they will. Lives will change but not as much as you fear.
My two cents.
WOW! This response is exactly why I caved and posted this tough question. Spot on! Excellent response!Quote:
Originally Posted by CravenMorhead
The first thing is that my fiancée knows my son isn't his he came around after he was born and I only had 1 one nighter that being the bio-dad. He knows that I've been questioning talking to the B.D but it hasn't gone anywhere from that. In no way have I been dishonest to anyone except not informing the B.D which as you can see by me posting this. There is no name in the dad section of his birth certificate because at the time there wasn't.. he was gone and I didn't have any contact until recently. Im trying to do the right thing here and ask for the help from the public to find a way to help unburden this, what I call, s***storm created unintentionally. I want the best for my son, my man and the B.D without anyone getting hurt. I know my boyfriend wants to adopt my son because like I said he has been there for him and their like two peas in a pod. It makes it so much harder to tell a somewhat stranger he's the father and taking all the credit from my man. But again my conscience is eating away at me!
Thank you for your response, you've opened up a lot of ideas and questions to what I need to do and find out.
Gem, I have a few questions. You said that you went by dates to figure out who the father is, that no DNA testing was done. Your son is 2 years old, why did you suddenly put 2 and 2 together and realize it didn't equal your fiancé? Did your fiancé take a DNA test? When you said no DNA testing was done, did you mean by anyone, or only by the man that you suspect is the bio dad?
Here's where I think this gets tricky. You have a man that you intend to marry, that loves you, loves your son. He may not be the bio dad, but for all intents and purposes he's raised this child, loves this child, and considers himself a father to this child.
When you get married, what if the fiancé wants to make it official, adopt your son? If that is something you two are considering then paternity needs to be established with the bio dad before he can sign off his rights to make way for an adoption.
Let me ask you a question. If you were a man and you fathered a child, wouldn't you want to know? Don't you think it's fair for the father to have the option to get to know his son?
Edit: Want to apologize, I didn't read all the other posts, so if I've posted something that's already been mentioned, my bad. I didn't feel like reading all the posts. :(
You are not taking any "credit" from the boyfriend, he has all the credit for being a stand up man wanting to be a father to the child. Next legal or not, the man who is there for the child when he crys, there for the birthday parties is the real father no matter what DNA tests say.
But the bio father has a right to know,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alty
You said everything I said - we think alike.
Yes, apparently it took two years to think, "Wait, maybe someone else is the birth father." So now two other parties are involved - two sexual relationships and then the fiancé who came upon the scene after the OP got pregnant.
I would venture a "guess" that either of the two could be the father - so if the concern is ruining lives (her words, not mine) it would appear there are two candidates who could be very surprised, two casual acquaintances who didn't want to be bothered with birth control, plus whatever the OP used failed.
Me? I feel sorry for the child who has now (apparently) lived with a mother and her fiancé who cannot or will not commit to each other.
I predict a disaster.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GemzB
Wait a minute! Now this whole question makes no sense. The "fiance" came on the scene after the birth. Unless there were two sexual partners at the time of conception we KNOW who the father is.
Isn't it rather late in the game to figure this out?
I think the paternity isn't the issue here. It is, "Should I tell the biological father?"
Yes. You should. For all the reason I state above.
I'm confused too. Did you have sex with two different men around the time of conception, or didn't you? If so, how do you know that one isn't the father, and the other is. The one you thought was the father, not your fiancé, is he on the birth certificate? Has he been paying child support? Does he still believe he's the father?Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
This story is getting complicated. If you and the fiancé knew from the beginning that he's not the father, because he came into your life after you were already pregnant, that means that there are two other men that are potential dads to your son. One that thinks he's the bio dad, and as such could take you to court for visitation, etc. etc. and one that has no idea he's the actual father.
Has a DNA test been done on either of the potential dads? Is the man that thinks he's the dad paying child support?
We need the full story here.
Ok FTRQuote:
Originally Posted by Alty
I had sex with 1 guy got knocked up and he disappeared up until a few weeks ago. I met my fiancée when my son was 81/2 mnths and he's been in my sons life everyday since. I know who the dad is but ots a question of if I tell the bio-dad he has a 2 yr old son pr do I leave ot as is where my son has a father for the rest of his life andy fiancée knows that the bio-dad is talking to me again. No secrets, no regrets. I don't need support, I've gptten along just fine without it and I know that requesting it entitles bio-dad to have half the rights to my son... lets face it though why is it fair for a man to take off without a notice and come back after 2 yrs and no support whatsoever, be able to come as he pleases to see my son. Hes not on the birth certificate, no one is, and my boyfriend is intending to adopt my son when were married. I think I covered it all... sorry to everyone if I seemed covert but this is a first time public question.
Thanks all!
I need to emphasize my question was written poorly and in context sarcasm was used lol some people don't recognize that! 1man the bio-dad. End of story! I didn't sleep around, didn't hurt anybody just got a bad turn of events turn good.Quote:
Originally Posted by GemzB
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