Ask Me Help Desk - Why doesn't my girlfriend want to be touched or have sex?

Hello, I'm 28 and she is 30. When we first got together we were having sex 3-4 times a day and now 2-3 times a week. We are going on one year together. This is not a problem. If I stopped initiating things than it would probably be once a month and that is the problem. Sometimes sex would be the same as if I just went out and bought a blow up doll, she just kind of lays there and only does it to make me happy. Sex is so much more to me than an orgasm. She says she still loves me and that I'm still attractive and I know I'm not lacking the skills department, but when it comes down to it I think she would rather masturbate than have sex with me. I love her a lot and could see myself marrying her and I am willing to work on things. The ironic thing is that at this point in my past relationships I get bored and loose the attraction for my partner, but I'm so mentaly connected to her that she can easily turn me on! I masturbate a lot in order to keep my sex drive under control but am getting tired of doing so. Right now I would like any physical touch (it doesn't have to be sexual). It would just make me feel wanted. I would like to hear a woman's opinion on the subject. For the guys that want to waste my time with responses like: just leave and find a new piece, or tell me to man up... it's un-needed, I would really like to spend my life with this woman. Thanks for the help.

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Hello, I'm 28 and she is 30. When we first got together we were having sex 3-4 times a day and now 2-3 times a week. We are going on one year together. This is not a problem. If I stopped initiating things than it would probably be once a month and that is the problem. Sometimes sex would be the same as if I just went out and bought a blow up doll, she just kind of lays there and only does it to make me happy. Sex is so much more to me than an orgasm. She says she still loves me and that I'm still attractive and I know I'm not lacking the skills department, but when it comes down to it I think she would rather masturbate than have sex with me. I love her a lot and could see myself marrying her and I am willing to work on things. The ironic thing is that at this point in my past relationships I get bored and loose the attraction for my partner, but I'm so mentaly connected to her that she can easily turn me on! I masturbate a lot in order to keep my sex drive under control but am getting tired of doing so. Right now I would like any physical touch (it doesn't have to be sexual). It would just make me feel wanted. I would like to hear a woman's opinion on the subject. For the guys that want to waste my time with responses like: just leave and find a new piece, or tell me to man up... it's un-needed, I would really like to spend my life with this woman. Thanks for the help.

Have you talked with her?
How much time have you actually given for her to initiate sex?
Can she touch you without you turning it into sexual contact/intercourse?
Do you ever touch her without expecting/wanting it to turn into sex?
Do you expect every date to end in sexual contact?

Most relationships have a slow down in frequency once it starts to turn from 'lust'-based to 'love'-based. You do seem to understand that. What you don't seem to be thinking about is how a constant pressure to have sex can kill a person's libido and cause them to back-off from intimate contact.

You say that you see sex as more than an orgasm, but I don't think that is what you are communicating to her. Instead, what she may see is your desire to satisfy your needs without really giving thought to hers. For her, your need to connect on a physical level may be overwhelming any other connection you are trying to make.

There can be a lot reasons for a woman to not want sex or need a break/slow down. It can be related to side-effects from contraceptives. It can be hormonal and part of the natural rhythm of her body. She might be stressed or exhausted. She may be distracted by other aspects of life. She may feel pressured to have sex and is emotionally, mentally, and physically backing away from it. Pressure can be very subtle and you may not realize how much you have been applying.

If she is not responding the way you think she should, do you continue or do you back-off and ask her if something is wrong? Do you talk with her about about she likes and needs?

Frankly, I think you need to examine your own thoughts about sex. Wanting her to have sex with you more frequently because you are tired of masturbating isn't exactly the same as wanting to connect through sexual/intimate contact.

Communicate with her outside of the bedroom and when not expecting sex. Find out what her needs are. See if you can find a compromise.

Back-off and show her that intimate contact such as cuddling or hand-holding isn't going to turn into you pressuring her for more. Give her a chance to open up.

You are absolutely right. I talked to her and the fact that I put so much stress on sex pushes her away. I have thought a lot about it and have realized that I did not grow up with any kind of physical contact. This leads me to think I am feeling starved for some sort of physical contact to feel some sort of reasurance or comfort. The first physical contact with a woman I ever had was my first girlfriend at 19 and it was sex so now everything falls under that category. Not sure how to fix that.

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Originally Posted by usafwilliams

You are absolutely right. I talked to her and the fact that I put so much stress on sex pushes her away. I have thought a lot about it and have realized that I did not grow up with any kind of physical contact. This leads me to think I am feeling starved for some sort of physical contact to feel some sort of reasurance or comfort. The first physical contact with a woman I ever had was my first girlfriend at 19 and it was sex so now everything falls under that catagory. Not sure how to fix that.

. Things should be mire romantic.. treat her like a fresh new love.. like your really interested in getting to know her.. and take her out.. and let the sex happen... exciting...

And don't expect night to comeand think sex is coming... keep yourself busy.. don't seem also that that's all that's on your mine.. just hangout and have fun.. and when you guys do have sex.. make sure its sensual and a lot if sexy 4play...