My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years and we have two kids together. In the beginning the sex was good but lately I haven't been much into it. I think it is because I am not being turne-on. It's always give it a kiss, get on top. Obviously because he is a guy he is more horny than I but it is not fair for him to get mad at me because I am not in the mood. I try to tell him all the time it's the little things you do (during the day/around the house for me) that turns me on. All I can think about is what he did to me when we are in bed. I have to do all household chores; (cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of our boys and SEX). Why does this go through ny head? It's sex! I love sex but he turns me OFF!!
It is always when he wants it and how he wants it. I want
Compassion, intimacy (touching and grabbing); kissing my neck; blowing in my ear; grabbing my tits. His excuse is, "IT's ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!" He says, "ALL I DO IS JUST LAY THERE LIKE I AM HIS F'N DILDO. Apparently I never move during sex but he confuses me on positions. He always wants to compare me to porn. I HATE PORN! At least with him. I cannot do what they do?
WHY DOESN'T HE GET IT?
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
WHY DOES HE ALWAYS CHANGE EVERYTHING TO MY FAULT?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ALMOST NAKED WHEN HE STILL WEARS SHIRTS AND PULLS HIS PENIS OUT THE HOLE OF UNDERWEAR?

Please help me--

SO... question

#1. DO you just lay there or not, this is serious and very, VERY important.

Let me give you a bit of advice from a guy that's been there... there ARE women who's idea of having sex is laying there like a corpse... literally... limp. I've personally had the bad fortune of having once dated one like that... trust me it didn't last long after that incident... that alone made it clear why she was divorced.

Also... get over your issues with porn... before you destroy any relationship you have with him or any other man in the future.

Porn ISN'T about you...

Also, I'm not giving him a free pass at all... if you want good, much less great, sex you BOTH have to be willing to meet in the middle... and the middle will be different with any two people... depending on their likes and expectations.

Either of you dig your heels in and refuse to budge then you can kiss any hope of that happening good-bye.

I see a serious lack of communication here on BOTH sides. And that's the first thing that needs fixed.

YOU can be the one to initiate this... since it bothers you so much. First hint to get through to him, don't start pointing fingers and accusing. Take an adversarial approach and his reaction will not be the one you want.

Pick your words... your tone, and the timing of the conversation right... and you might get through to him.

Its just as much about HOW you say something as it is WHAT you say and WHEN you say it.

Just look at it this way... if someone was going to sweet talk you into something how would they get through to you. And how would YOU respond if someone came in with both guns blazing? Wouldn't get far would they?

OK, now a woman's response: I agree about the tiny little affectionate gestures being part of foreplay before you ever get into bed. If he can't compromise on that (you show more passion during the act even if you have to fake it, and he smooches your neck while you do dishes, and a bunch of other things) then why are you marrying him?
The 'it's all about you' problem is solved with 2 pieces of paper. He writes down what he wants and you do the same and then you negotiate a deal. A contract if you will.

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Originally Posted by mlovelace20

I think it is because I am not being turne-on. ... Obviously because he is a guy he is more horny than I but it is not fair for him to get mad at me because I am not in the mood. ... I want compassion, intimacy (touching and grabbing); kissing my neck; blowing in my ear; grabbing my tits. His excuse is, "IT's ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!" He says, "ALL I DO IS JUST LAY THERE LIKE I AM HIS F'N DILDO. ... apparently I never move during sex but he confuses me on positions ...

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All of the caps lead me to believe you aren't going to want to hear what anyone has to say. In fact, caps are the same as shouting at us.

For starters I don't believe it's "obvious" (or true) that men are "hornier" than women.

Do you just "lay there"?

You live with him. You have children with him. Do you ever talk to him outside the bedroom about sex?

What do I think? I think you are filled with resentment and, therefore, you don't respond and/or participate. You are "just" there.

And porn has nothing to do with this - you hate porn, you hate having sex with this man because he's selfish.

Maybe a large part of the problem is you. Talk to him!

He's your husband to be - when is the wedding? I would think very carefully under the circumstances.

Okay, for once I have to disagree with Smoothy on the porn thing.

Porn IS a problem when it's affecting your ACTUAL sex life. No real woman can live up to the stuff that happens in porn--it's FAKE, and a guy that wants his real life partner to do fake things has issues.

That being said--Why are you still giving in to sex at all if you don't enjoy it? Stop putting out at ALL, and see how he likes that as a comparison to now.

THEN--start talking about intimacy and sex OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM.

Get a babysitter once a week and go out for a walk or ice cream or dinner or something. It doesn't have to be a full blown date, just a chance to TALK to one another.

NEXT--don't make your conversation about sex negative. "I hate" or "you always" or "why can't you..." will just make him defensive. Start talking about what YOU want. Start negotiating on what he wants.

If you can't talk about sex with your partner, you shouldn't be having sex with that person. Period. If you can be comfortable enough to let him put his penis in your vagina--you should be comfortable enough to TALK about that.

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Originally Posted by mlovelace20

... apparently I never move during sex but he confuses me on positions. He always wants to compare me to porn. I HATE PORN! at least with him. I cannot do what they do?

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He "wants" to compare her to porn - I don't know if that means porn is a problem. Does he compare her? When is he watching?

She "hates porn, at least with him." Does that mean she hates watching it with him?

I don't know what he wants her to do that she cannot do.

I think there is a high level of resentment here, and that's as much of a problem as anything.

And, yes, she needs to spend time with him outside the bedroom, talking.

I don't see anywhere where he is ACTUALLY comparing her to porn... just that she has this idea in her head that he is... and that's common in women with women that blame porn on their problems. Usually self esteeme issues.

At least that's my take on it from how she worded it. That he's trying to get her to try different positions and she's putting up a resistance to doing it. (though the "he's confusing me on positions" comments I find baffling)

Nothing is worse long term than a "one-act-Wanda"... or a "one-act-Waldo" any one thing gets boring if repeated enough times.

No I haven't ignored the lack of foreplay issue on his side. Just singling out one comment in the post to elaborate more upon.

I'm thinking this evelved into what we have now... you know how some small slight starts a tit for tat that gradually escalates to everyone caring about getting theirs because they each feel the other doesn't give a hoot so why should they.

Don't know who started it... doesn't much matter why. We got one person that's no got an issue so its up to them to suck it up... and try to reset the clock...

Me personally... if I was in a relationship where its like this.. (and I have been more than a few times) marriage would be the furthest thing from my mind.

I don't know HIS take on this... so I don't know what he percieves as the problem... because its difficult to get there when you have only one persona perspective... and the reality usually falls somewhere in the middle of what each percieves.

And I do suggest... #1. Drop the hostility, take the high road here and assume he really ISN'T aware of how she is percieving this... mindreading isn't a skill we get when we get our man card. And subtle hints sometimes we really don't see. SO assume his intentions are good... but he really is clueless... be nice, be honest, and don't be confrontational.

Maybe this is easier to fix than you think.

I've got pretty good insight into why many women think the way they do about some things... but that took me a lifetime to learn (I'm 50). Most guys are NOT as aware as I am... and men and women do NOT think the same way... or see issues from exactly the same perspective. So don't assume he can read your mind.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I don't see anywhere where he is ACTUALLY comparing her to porn....just that she has this idea in her head that he is....and thats common in women with women that blame porn on their problems. Usually self esteeme issues.

At least thats my take on it from how she worded it. That he's trying to get her to try different positions and she's putting up a resistance to doing it.

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I like the fence, or at least sitting on it.

I don't think it is the porn that is the issue but that he is trying to get her to do the positions that occur commonly in porn. The problem with this is that most of them are not actually comfortable or pleasurable. They're to allow you to see the actual act. I mean how fun would porn be if all you saw was the guys a$$hole when he's on top? Generalization I know.

What I think is going on here and my opinions are somewhat in line with what the poster is saying. He is a selfish lover. What has caused this? Complacency in the bedroom on both parts caused by the life of parents. They don't have time for the niceties anymore, or they're forgotten. There is no passion any more because it is lost in the day to day shuffle.

When they finally manage to get naked and in bed, they're just wanting to get it done. All the original passion has just seeped out of the relationship.

So it is just a huge lack of communication brought on by familiarity. They need to talk. Talk a lot. What they want and what they need. I don't think it is to the level of a counsellor yet. They just need to talk.

When you talk to your husband talk about you and how you feel. Don't get angry, just be honest. Don't accuse him, "It wouldn't be so crappy if you would just remember how to pleasure me!", but talk about your needs. Some compromise is going ot be required. He might not even realize that something is broke.

That is my take. Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

When they finally manage to get naked and in bed, they're just wanting to get it done.

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And apparently the "getting naked" part is also an issue -

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

And apparently the "getting naked" part is also an issue -

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I'd be a bit miffed if my spouse didn't get naked too... but then... we don't have kids that would bang on the door at any moment or barge right in (for those who don't believe in locking the door)... who knows if that doesn't play a part.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I'd be a bit miffed if my spouse didn't get naked too...but then...we don't have kids that would bang on the door at any moment or barge right in (for those who don't believe in locking the door).....who knows if that doesn't play a part.

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Apparently she's naked and he's not. I have no idea the reasoning behind that.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Apparently she's naked and he's not. I have no idea the reasoning behind that.

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He's more touchy about it than her? We have to make a lot of assumptions here. I'd honestly like to know what his reasons are. Particularly inside a LOCKED bedroom.

I think we have a lot of problems in that relationship OUTSIDE the bedroom.

Quote:

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My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years and we have two kids together. In the beginning the sex was good but lately i haven't been much into it. I think it is because I am not being turne-on. It's always give it a kiss, get on top. Obviously because he is a guy he is more horny than I but it is not fair for him to get mad at me because I am not in the mood. I try to tell him all the time it's the little things you do (during the day/around the house for me) that turns me on. All I can think about is what he did to me when we are in bed. I have to do all household chores; (cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of our boys and SEX). Why does this go through ny head? It's sex! I love sex but he turns me OFF!!
it is always when he wants it and how he wants it. I want
Compassion, intimacy (touching and grabbing); kissing my neck; blowing in my ear; grabbing my tits. His excuse is, "IT's ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!" He says, "ALL I DO IS JUST LAY THERE LIKE I AM HIS F'N DILDO. apparently I never move during sex but he confuses me on positions. He always wants to compare me to porn. I HATE PORN! At least with him. I cannot do what they do?
WHY DOESN'T HE GET IT?
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
WHY DOES HE ALWAYS CHANGE EVERYTHING TO MY FAULT?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ALMOST NAKED WHEN HE STILL WEARS SHIRTS AND PULLS HIS PENIS OUT THE HOLE OF UNDERWEAR?

Please help me--

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How old are your children? Was he more romantic before the children?

You say that sex used to be good until lately. Has he always been 'selfish' about getting his needs met? Has he always ignored your needs? What happens if you tell him you aren't in the mood? What happens if you say 'no, not tonight'?

I think she may mean that men are generally quicker to get in the mood than women are.

I, too, think you need to talk with your fiancé when sex isn't expected and not in the bedroom. If needed, search AMHD for 'female arousal'. Let him read the advice we have given to other couples about how arousal works in women.

Most of it boils down to:
1. Women take time to become aroused. Arousal begins in the mind and the body follows.
2. Distractions, including our own thoughts, can keep us from being in the mood.
3. If we are treated like masturbatory aids, then we will respond like one. If we are mentally and physically stimulated, then we will respond with passion.
4. If he wants to compare you to porn or do what they do, point out that they have multiple takes and everything including the climaxes are faked. He really should watch some behind the scenes footage and outtakes. Reality is not kind to porn.

He is already defensive that is why he is putting it all back on you. You need to ask him why. I agree you shouldn't yell at him, but I do think you need to be blunt and to the point.

Quite frankly, I agree with the advice to not have sex with him if your needs are being ignored. If he is treating you like a blow-doll, then he really can't complain if that is how you respond. However, you can say 'no'. You can tell him that you aren't comfortable or you are confused about what he wants. You can tell him no intercourse until you are ready.

Do you have a wedding date set or is your engagement a promise to talk about marriage later?

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Originally Posted by smoothy

He's more touchy about it than her? We have to make a lot of assumptions here. I'd honestly like to know what his reasons are. Particularly inside a LOCKED bedroom.

I think we have a lot of problems in that relationship OUTSIDE the bedroom.

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I'll go back to why is she so hostile - in general?

I see a lot of very non-specific info.