Ask Me Help Desk - What is real love?

There were so many questions regarding love and relationships already. But I guess I really need to hear your opinion.

I am 32 now and I guess I have finally met the right person. He finally treats me right and as good as any woman would dream to be treated. Thing is I feel no butterflies in my stomach, nothing chemistry-like, I am not love-shocked or whatever. But I am finally safe and settled, have someone for whom I am important as a person at last.

Each time I felt these "butterflied before" ( had 2 relationships before) I simply was hurt. It started from big chemistry and ended up bad for me.

I think I have already chosen, despite what it might lead me to. I prefer this reason based relationship with a guy who really cares for me and is almost Mr Perfect than to feel "love" to any more jerks in my life.
Has any of you have similar experiences? Have you married to people who did not raise biggest butterflies at first but they have been simply right for you at last?

I am sorry for mistakes in my English, it's very late here...

Love, for most is what they feel from a hormone reaction.

Real love comes over the years as you learn to communicate and learn to share. Love will grow over time

I think each person has individual definitions of what love is. In my opinion love is respect, understanding and devotion. Respect; to care for the other person's well being, opinions, aspirations, to know your partner is an individual and to treat that person well. Understanding; to have enough common ground (or wisdom) that you don't just know what your partner wants, but why he/she wants it. You need to be able to see value/worth where they see it. Devotion; to not let either of the first two things (respect and understanding) fail when the relationship becomes inconvenient or even very difficult.

Thank you Backpack. I guess my dual nature made my life complicated. There is something in me which always tended to get involved in some intense drama, and another part who missed calmness and security.

We have all that, exactly as you said. We do respect and understand each other, appreciate and support life choices and passions, trust each other, give freedom of action and room to be natural. Even intimate things are perfect. So I guess I have reacted to wrong guys by my hormones...

Lucky those who were able to transform from that hormonal stage into something long lasting and deep. But my guess is hormones made me blind each time before...

37 years married, no butterflies in the stomach, but much much love still. Lust and attraction can be very intense, but time and circumstances diminishes those chemistry things. Love grows, and survives hardship, and circumstances, when its mutual.

But I am finally safe and settled, have someone for whom I am important as a person at last.

How do you feel about him apart from how he treats you?
Is he important to you, do you love him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Agashiyeyo

Thank you Backpack. I guess my dual nature made my life complicated. There is something in me which always tended to get involved in some intense drama, and another part who missed calmness and security.

We have all that, exactly as you said. We do respect and understand eachother, appreciate and support life choices and passions, trust eachother, give freedom of action and room to be natural. Even intimate things are perfect. So I guess I have reacted to wrong guys by my hormones...

Lucky those who were able to transform from that hormonal stage into something long lasting and deep. But my guess is hormones made me blind each time before...

Yes! I relate to this. All of my ex boyfriends I committed to and THEN got to know them. The intense feelings of lust (what I thought at the time was love) kicked in before I even really knew them. When I eventually saw aspects of them that I didn't like, it was too late to react as I should have, I was too emotionally involved. Each time I felt such conflict and it would make me behave so erratically, one minute wanting to be with them and the next, wanting to walk away but not be able to.

I am now with someone I was good friends with for years before we got together. I am completely smitten with him and the feelings are just as strong but without the equal intensity of insecurity and distrust which is what I felt in the past.

Do you miss the intense feelings? Personally, I think I mistook a lot of intense negative feelings as passion. Stability may seem boring and passionless in comparison but it's healthier.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

But I am finally safe and settled, have someone for whom I am important as a person at last.

How do you feel about him apart from how he treats you?
Is he important to you, do you love him?

Homegirl, that's a good one. I don't know. But about 2 years ago I suferred really painful breakup with someone I thought I really loved. And for 6 months I slept once second night fully, and later on I should be ontherapy but had no cash for it. I tried some antidepressants and getting myself back in order but my system rejected the pills. So I rely on my friends to get me back in shape. I also have Lyme disease which may affect the way I look at myself and people. So I cannot fully maturely and clearly answer to this question. He brings me smile on my face, so I guess this should be good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

37 years married, no butterflies in the stomach, but much much love still. Lust and attraction can be very intense, but time and circumstances diminishes those chemistry things. Love grows, and survives hardship, and circumstances, when its mutual.

Congratulations... I wish I knew what love actually is. I know I am loved by him. But me and my feelings... I am afraid that if I am driven by chemistry and attraction I will simply make bad choice again. I am relaxed and smiling now so I guess it's good.

Someone bringing a smile to your face does not mean love. It means you feel comfortable with him.
I'd say take your time and get to know this person. You don't have to be in a relationship.
Love feels different to people. I think most people know real love when they feel it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Someone bringing a smile to your face does not mean love. It means you feel comfortable with him.
I'd say take your time and get to know this person. You don't have to be in a relationship.
Love feels different to people. I think most people know real love when they feel it.

Hi :0 yes... but first I think I fully have to cure Lyme and whatever biochemical imbalances I have. My nerve system after a breakup got seriously injured, and I also ignored a tick bite back in 2010. This really brings black thinking to every aspect of life- as much as I hate to say it I am not normal at the moment. First I need to be normal and then judge I guesss. But generally you are absolutely right.

Agashiyeyo,

First of all, I welcome you to this beautiful site.

For me, the real love is a sacrifice. To love someone without any expectation is the real love.

To accept someone, the he is and the way he is not, is another definition of love.

Accept my congratulations for getting your 'true love' atlast. Just relax and live without many expectations. Live a full life, and take care of him, absolutely. Little squabbles are common, but never let any such dspute to snowball into large one. Satisfy each other's emotional, intellectual and physical needs.

Good luck!

You get yourself together before you get into a relationship. You must be healthy physically and emotionally, otherwise you playing with the other person's emotions.
I wish you well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kahani Punjab

Agashiyeyo,

First of all, I welcome you to this beautiful site.

For me, the real love is a sacrifice. To love someone without any expectation is the real love.

To accept someone, the he is and the way he is not, is another definition of love.

Accept my congratulations for getting your 'true love' atlast. Just relax and live without many expectations. Live a full life, and take care of him, absolutely. Little squabbles are common, but never let any such dspute to snowball into large one. Satisfy each other's emotional, intellectual and physical needs.

Good luck!

Hello Kahani :)
This is exactly one I do not understand really. Love which is with no expectations and yet we do all have needs and rather should come a few steps ahead to satisfy another persons needs, right?

The way I see it, is that love can be unconditional but relationship is another thing. It involves lots of thinking and we all have different levels of thinking. I think I know what you mean, love is this inner joy of just being with and for another person who is in my life with accepting what time may bring.

But I am afraid that I do have expectations towards life. I do have a lot of things I would love to avoid. My father used to treat us really badly and yet my mother says they still love each other as strong as they did when they got together 33 years ago. So I am not able to be blind, I judge every person who comes across me. I loved very much my first boyfriend but when one time he drank too much and yealed at me with no reason for me love was ended, it was the beginning of the end.

So my argument is that it all is in the upbringing. We are able to give unconditionally and with no expectations, and more so attract proper people if our emotional needs in childhood, unconditional safety and comfort was satisfied properly.

So I am sorry I have a lot of anxieties, I am scared of so many things and keep my eyes wide open to make sure they don't happen to me. I am not an exactly healthy human being and I never will be. I am not running ball of fears though. But it took me up tp 12 years of my life to believe I am worth normal conversation, instead of beatings and yeals.

I thought I got over my childhood and youth, that it is enough to move to another country and start fresh everything, but it's not true. It haunts me exactly in a way that I have expectations... he comes foreword to them and this makes me feel safe.

No I am not running love-shocked around. But so many people do, and it often does not end up well either.

I am sorry everyone for being so open. For not being perfect grownup ready adult. The very thing that I am not able to feel love to the right person, and that I am scared of so many things, that I calculate so much, that I feel passion only to wrong people who will eventually hurt me, this makes me feeling inferior to everyone else.

I don't know if I will be ever successful in my life. But I promise that once I bound myself with someone, I will never ever let this person feel any downside of my emotional mess. It's a mature decision to make sure my partner is happy, despite my lower psychological quality if compared to other "normal" people.

Have you ever tried counseling to help you cope with the feelings you have? I think anyone who has experience abuse should do a bit of counseling. It helps you unpack all the baggage and not bring it in to other relationships. It helps you discover who you are and what you want.
I think you are doing OK by asking questions. None of us are perfect. You know what your problems are and that is the first step.
I wish you well.

There is no reason to put any one above yourself, or your healing, or rush to form a bond or attachment, or make a commitment. That's when we make mistakes, by rushing too fast into bad choices that feel so good at first.

True love is a TWO WAY street, that stands the test of time. That weathers the storms of life and enhances both, but making someone else happy when you are NOT is a difficult task. Put your healing first, however long it takes.

True love starts with YOU being happy and healthy, about YOURSELF, and your life, so you can share something good with others. Loving another should enhance SELF, not degrade it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

have you ever tried counseling to help you cope with the feelings you have? I think anyone who has experience abuse should do a bit of counseling. It helps you unpack all the baggage and not bring it in to other relationships. It helps you discover who you are and what you want.
I think you are doing OK by asking questions. None of us are perfect. You know what your problems are and that is the first step.
I wish you well.

Homegirl, in a city I live and it's in Europe, one visit starts from 80 $, and I have other needs too. There are no free of cost counseling centers or anything that would actually provide me with a therapy. I know I need it though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

There is no reason to put any one above yourself, or your healing, or rush to form a bond or attachment, or make a commitment. Thats when we make mistakes, by rushing too fast into bad choices that feel so good at first.

True love is a TWO WAY street, that stands the test of time. That weathers the storms of life and enhances both, but making someone else happy when you are NOT is a difficult task. Put your healing first, however long it takes.

True love starts with YOU being happy and healthy, about YOURSELF, and your life, so you can share something good with others. Loving another should enhance SELF, not degrade it.

This is good advice for you. Please take heed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

True love is a TWO WAY street, that stands the test of time. That weathers the storms of life and enhances both, but making someone else happy when you are NOT is a difficult task. Put your healing first, however long it takes.

True love starts with YOU being happy and healthy, about YOURSELF, and your life, so you can share something good with others. Loving another should enhance SELF, not degrade it.

I know and I will try. For sure I won't rush with commitment. I have to be healthy first. And this was the idea... last time I loved a person I wanted to share the best in me... and enhance myself by giving. Maybe this was just too much?

I was friend-like seduced. The guy was there for me for the whole year, we felt together, he really created athmosphere. Gradually with time I fell for him... unfortunately after some time he simply backed off giving no valid reason, he simply scored me. It's really hard for me to get over it and to trust that next time I feel "love" for someone I won't be treated same way exactly, especially that it is a reoccuring pattern. When I truly care I am dumped or neglected, when I care much less, then I am loved.