My husband likes porn for masturbating that I knew it after few years of our relationship. I tried to convince him not use porn that much of because you have a sex life and you can have sex with a real person now. He knew I will get upset, so he hides it from me. He will use it when I'm not around, but if I know he used it again, it always caused an argument. He claims himself he has a high sex drive and he needs sex every day. Sometimes, he wills still watching porn for masturbation even though after we had sex. Sometimes he couldn't ejaculate during intercourse because he masturbated too much. He liked me to please (blow job) him until he has ejaculated.

Here are my questions, does he masturbate too much, if couldn't ejaculate during intercourse?

Blow job just for stimulation during intercourse, right? Why he just want blow job but not intercourse?

He has ton of porn stored in his hard drive. He told me porn is part of his life, and he is not going to give it up because I don't like it. My problems with him are, if he needs sex that much, he should just have sex with a real person, me. Why still need watch porn that much? I think he is used to it, and addicted to it.

Porn always caused an argument to us. He doesn't like me to have a strong reaction to it. Because he says I already knew he has porn and is no point to get upset and angry at him. He says I'm controlling, and feels abused because now he had to hide it from me to use it. The argument got serious every time. We ended up not talking to each other for a while, or physically flight. He says I'm the one ruining our life, and he says I have anger issue.

After six years relationship and three years ago we got married, now have two kids, one is two years old and one is three. The pregnancy caused me have a low sex drive, and also I feel exhausted after being busy with the kids during the day, I don't feel like having sex much but want to sleep; and sometimes I will prefer to have my personal time when I have a little bit time when the kids asleep at night, so I've to give up my quality time with him during the bed time. My life had a big changed after the kids, and in my situation I can't satisfied he needs. I got stress from the kids, argument time to time with him. Now I'm on antidepressant drug. He's blaming me I'm ruining his life and the kids because I have anger issue, and I'm the old changed, but he didn't. His parents blamed me because I make a big deal of it. Now it seems I'm the person ruining everyone's life. I understood he needs masturbation more to please him. He still watches porn when I'm not around. I'm fine with it, but I don't' want to know and see it. What I'm asking is, make an adjustment for us, and you're single anymore.

Recently, he likes to masturbate while I'm in the shower. One night, after I finished shower, I looked out to the bedroom, and I caught him in the middle of masturbating. The first thing he says to me, “I'm not done”, and after he had finished, and walks in to the bathroom and says, “Now I'm done!” I was very angry what he says to me, because he wasn't even considering my feelings. He already knew I will get upset about it, but he just reacts nothing happened and went to sleep. We had an argument about it afterward of course. I told him that he was hurting my feeling and inconsiderate and disrespectful. I said, “why can you just say something like, I know you don't' like it. Sorry you saw it”, something like that. At least, it shown you do care about my feeling and show some respect. But, he says he didn't think he needs to sorry for hurting my feeling. Because this is not new to me, I shouldn't react to it and got angry. He says That's my problem. I saw it because my curiosity, and I'm the one should apologize because I was disturbed him while he was in the middle of masturbating, and he also blamed me because I'm the one do not like porn and now we can't get alone, so I have to find the way to fix it, and find solution how he can still masturbate with his porn and not upsetting me. He's just act like a jerk! What do you think about it?

I think you shouldn't get too mad at him for watching porn for the simple fact your libido is low and you aren't making an effort to have sex with him. I'm in the same sort of situation. I just had my baby 3 months ago and my libido was very high before the baby and during the pregnancy and my fiance's was very low. Now since the baby my libido has dropped tremendously, and I be very tired as well. So I never liked for him to ejaculate on his own, and he wouldn't do it. But now since my libido is so low and his a high he has started back ejaculating himself. So I can't be mad if I'm not wanting sex because of my low sex drive and his high sex drive. Your can't forever not have sex just because your sex drive is low. If you don't want him to masturbate or watch porn then have sex with him even if you don't want to. And that's as much as he wants it or just accept the fact that he's watching porn and ejaculating himself. But I understand what you're going through I have me time at night time as well when my baby is asleep. And you can also explain to him what's going on with yourself. You're tired, no time to yourself and low libido. Hopefully he understands.

He is being honest, he could lie and try to hide it like many men do.

He most likely often wants a blow job since he really likes it, different feel to actual sex and no work on his part. You seem to not want to do this all the time, He does not want to do full sex all the time, Masturbation is not cheating, it is merely a fast, release.

If he is doing it, and you are not having enough sex then it is a issue, if you have all the sex you want, I don't see what the issue here is.

He needs a man cave for privacy, with its own bathroom. He may be a crude boob, but why is this an argument? Give him space and go about your business, and understand your idea of satisfaction, is not his.

You both seem to do a lousy job of understanding each other.

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Originally Posted by Key12

I think you shouldn't get too mad at him for watching porn for the simple fact your libido is low and you aren't making an effort to have sex with him. I'm in the same sort of situation. I just had my baby 3 months ago and my libido was very high before the baby and during the pregnancy and my fiance's was very low. Now since the baby my libido has dropped tremendously, and I be very tired as well. So i never liked for him to ejaculate on his own, and he wouldn't do it. But now since my libido is so low and his a high he has started back ejaculating himself. So I can't be mad if I'm not wanting sex because of my low sex drive and his high sex drive. Your can't forever not have sex just because your sex drive is low. If you don't want him to masturbate or watch porn then have sex with him even if you don't want to. And that's as much as he wants it or just accept the fact that he's watching porn and ejaculating himself. But I understand what you're going through I have me time at night time as well when my baby is asleep. And you can also explain to him what's going on with yourself. You're tired, no time to yourself and low libido. Hopefully he understands.

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Thanks for your input. One thing I didn't mention before... after I cause him and after the argument. He told me he needs sex almost everyday, so he's going to watch porn and masturbate pretty much every night after shower, and if I want sex just let him know, so he won't masturbate on that night. That mean I have to wait for him to do his thing every night before I go to bed.
I felt odd. Because now I feel like I'm just a back up, and his porn is priority. And I felt he's just using the excuse of my low sex drive to watch more porn every night. He knew I'm tired with the kids during the day, and my low sex drive problem. It doesn't seem like he will take any effort to have sex with me but just watch porn and masturbating instead.

You have a couple of contradictory statements here which have me confused.

Early in your original post you say "he hides it from me" and you seem to think that's a problem. But then later you say "I'm fine with it, but I don't want to know and see it," indicating that you don't mind if he does it as long as he doesn't expose you to it (i.e. you're fine as long as he hides it). I'm wondering, and he probably is too, do you want him to hide it or not?

You also say that he doesn't need to use porn because he can have sex with a real person now, you. But you then confess to having very low sex drive. So, you want him to only have sex with you (not masturbate) but then you rarely want to have sex. Basically you're saying that he can only orgasm when he's with you and that doesn't seem like it's very often. This may sound over the top, but I think it's kind of torture to tell someone who has a very high sex drive that they can't do anything about it.

In your more recent post you say that "...now I feel like I'm just a back up, and his porn is priority." But that doesn't seem to be what he said. He said that he wants sex everyday (and you admittedly don't) so he's going to masturbate. He's being up front. Yet, he doesn't want to masturbate instead of having sex with you. This is evidenced by the fact that he won't masturbate on nights that you want sex and tell him that.

Regarding all of these concerns, I have to say that I think he prefers sex with you and is using the porn mostly as an alternative to sex when you simply aren't interested.

His inability to orgasm during sex sounds like it could be another issue. Does this happen frequently or is it occasional? If it's an infrequent occurrence, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it (that could simply give him performance anxiety and make things worse). Does it only happen if he's masturbated prior to sex? If that's the case, just tell him earlier that you would like to have sex. He already said he would skip his regular masturbation so that he could have sex with you.

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That mean I have to wait for him to do his thing every night before I go to bed.

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Why??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Why????????????????????????

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Because he's masturbating right after shower in the bedroom and go to sleep afterward. Since I don't want to see/cause him in the middle of masturbating again, so I need to wait until he's done before I go to the bedroom for shower and sleep.
He used to watching porn on the computer at the office room while I'm in the shower in the bedroom, but now he upload those porn movie on his iPhone, so he can masturbate in the bed.

Things were so much easier before kids, family, and responsibility. You both need to know how kids have changed the relationship/marriage and you both are stuck at your inability to adjust to those changes.

Porn is but the warning signs of a larger disconnect between two unhappy people who can no longer count on each other. He cries for attention you don't want to give,and you cry for attention he doesn't give. You are not good to each other, and its showing. No wonder there is such a callous disregard for the needs of one another.

Without talking to you both together, I can only address you. Porn and masturbation is NOT your issue. You have just made this an easy target to explain your frustration of being made a scapegoat because you cannot understand his unhappiness, or his frustration. The poor fool needs other better outlets than masturbating every night.

I assume he has no hobbies or friends and has fallen into a rut of the same routine every night. Do you guys even have a social life, together or separately? I also think you and your doctors should talk as anti depressants don't really seem to be your answer, as a female that has had two kids in three years has a lot of hormonal changes that have to be addressed.

Bet you have very few female friends to support you through this, or older sisters who are invaluable as a source of insights and suggestions. And short of therapy and couple counseling I highly recommend that one on one talk with a female to not only educate, but show you how best to show this fool who needs attention, how to give YOU attention as well.

Seems you have lost that ability to talk and be good to each other, and need to get it back. Having kids is no excuse for a couple to not be good to each other. Adjustments to life changing events is best done together, not apart.

You know what each other needs, give it!!

Await your response.

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Originally Posted by iamintrouble

Thanks for your input. One thing I didn't mention before...after I cause him and after the argument. He told me he needs sex almost everyday, so he's going to watch porn and masturbate pretty much every night after shower, and if I want sex just let him know, so he won't masturbate on that night. That mean I have to wait for him to do his thing every night before I go to bed.
I felt odd. Because now I feel like I'm just a back up, and his porn is priority. And I felt he's just using the excuse of my low sex drive to watch more porn every night. He knew I'm tired with the kids during the day, and my low sex drive problem. It doesn't seem like he will take any effort to have sex with me but just watch porn and masturbating instead.

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Maybe he could be addicted. But for the most part he's not going out trying to find some other woman to have sex with which a great thing. What are some of his fantasies? Maybe he likes something in particular that they are doing in the porn. And if he isn't getting it from you then he just resorts to porn. And maybe once you start doing whatever that is then he may stop watching porn. Try that but be willing to do it a lot. And it does feel weird but sex is part of a marriage as well. We tie ourselves to one person and expect for that one person to give us everything we want and need. You have to be willing to do this even if you're tired and everything. Try to get extra sleep and see if that helps. But ask him what he likes so much in the porn and ask him would he like for you to do it. And start doing it or you'll just have to get over him watching.

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Originally Posted by backpack2389

You have a couple of contradictory statements here which have me confused.

Early in your original post you say "he hides it from me" and you seem to think that's a problem. But then later you say "I'm fine with it, but I don't want to know and see it," indicating that you don't mind if he does it as long as he doesn't expose you to it (i.e., you're fine as long as he hides it). I'm wondering, and he probably is too, do you want him to hide it or not?

You also say that he doesn't need to use porn because he can have sex with a real person now, you. But you then confess to having very low sex drive. So, you want him to only have sex with you (not masturbate) but then you rarely want to have sex. Basically you're saying that he can only orgasm when he's with you and that doesn't seem like it's very often. This may sound over the top, but I think it's kind of torture to tell someone who has a very high sex drive that they can't do anything about it.

In your more recent post you say that "...now I feel like I'm just a back up, and his porn is priority." But that doesn't seem to be what he said. He said that he wants sex everyday (and you admittedly don't) so he's going to masturbate. He's being up front. Yet, he doesn't want to masturbate instead of having sex with you. This is evidenced by the fact that he won't masturbate on nights that you want sex and tell him that.

Regarding all of these concerns, I have to say that I think he prefers sex with you and is using the porn mostly as an alternative to sex when you simply aren't interested.

His inability to orgasm during sex sounds like it could be another issue. Does this happen frequently or is it occasional? If it's an infrequent occurrence, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it (that could simply give him performance anxiety and make things worse). Does it only happen if he's masturbated prior to sex? If that's the case, just tell him earlier that you would like to have sex. He already said he would skip his regular masturbation so that he could have sex with you.

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I’m so sorry for the confusion. Let me explain…
He was hides it from me when we were dating. We were and still have lots of disagreements about it. After married, I tried to avoid those arguments and trying accepting what his liked (but I hate), so now I told him as long as I don’t see/know it. I’m fine with that. Basically, I wanted him kept hiding it. Because porn is turn me off completely.

My sex drive wasn’t mess up before gave birth. When we were dating, I tried to convince him that he doesn’t need to use porn and masturbate that much, because he can have sex with me instead. The low sex drive problem is happened after I gave birth.

He knew I hate porn and its turn me off completely. For instance, he wants sex that night but I will say no if I knew he watched porn on that night. So, he will masturbate instead. At the beginning of this year, he told me he is not going to watch porn anymore and tried to improve our sex life. I believed him and it works! We’ve sex more often, because I knew he didn’t watch porn and he needs to have sex with me, so I will do it even though I’ve low sex drive. But one night, I didn’t want to have sex, and he watched porn again. And I found out he has been watch porn regularly when I wasn’t around. I felt like he was lying to me. He told me he didn’t say he will get way of it completely. I felt like a trick, and I was very angry. So, he isn’t using the porn as an alternative, he wants both, have sex with me and also watch porn regularly.

He can ejaculate most of the time, only he isn’t able to do it if he ejaculates too much with his porn on that day. I said I feel I’m just a back up in our sex life, because his masturbation with porn goes first, and I’ve to tell him if I want sex, then he will skip his masturbation. My question is, I will understand if you’re single, but after married, shouldn’t he focus on his wife in his sex life instead of regular masturbation?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Things were so much easier before kids, family, and responsibility. You both need to know how kids have changed the relationship/marriage and you both are stuck at your inability to adjust to those changes.

Porn is but the warning signs of a larger disconnect between two unhappy people who can no longer count on each other. He cries for attention you don't want to give,and you cry for attention he doesn't give. You are not good to each other, and its showing. No wonder there is such a callous disregard for the needs of one another.

Without talking to you both together, I can only address you. Porn and masturbation is NOT your issue. You have just made this an easy target to explain your frustration of being made a scapegoat because you cannot understand his unhappiness, or his frustration. The poor fool needs other better outlets than masturbating every night.

I assume he has no hobbies or friends and has fallen into a rut of the same routine every night. Do you guys even have a social life, together or separately? I also think you and your doctors should talk as anti depressants don't really seem to be your answer, as a female that has had two kids in three years has a lot of hormonal changes that have to be addressed.

Bet you have very few female friends to support you thru this, or older sisters who are invaluable as a source of insights and suggestions. And short of therapy and couple counseling I highly recommend that one on one talk with a female to not only educate, but show you how best to show this fool who needs attention, how to give YOU attention as well.

Seems you have lost that ability to talk and be good to each other, and need to get it back. Having kids is no excuse for a couple to not be good to each other. Adjustments to life changing events is best done together, not apart.

You know what each other needs, give it!!!

Await your response.

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Thanks for the input and thanks for your time to reading my post. I’ve to wait until my kids asleep at night to have some time to sit on my computer for this reply…

Porn is always our issue since we were dating. I hate porn, and turn me off. I’ve resentment towards him if I knew on that day he watched porn. I did tell him what I feel about porn, and he knows it. He said he won’t make an adjustment because I don’t like it. The point is not just “I don’t like it”, it is because I’ve resentment towards him and doesn’t make me feel close to him, which mean I don’t feel intimacy with him. Busy/stress with the kids during the day make it even worse in our sex life.

He doesn’t care for friendship, and because he doesn’t like social at all. He has few coworkers he likes to talk to, but he doesn’t like to hang out with them after work. He said that he doesn’t want to see them 7 days a week.
Besides work, he’s busy with fixing our new house on the weekend and he is also helping his father building hid house. So, he has lots of thing to do when he is off from work.

I have few girlfriends and we talk regularly. After married, I’ve not much in common with them; all I can talk is marriage life and kids, and since they’re single, I feel they don’t understand me as they use to. We just moved for closer to my mother-in-law one year ago. The location is a bit far away from my girlfriends. So, I don’t see them as much as I used to.
I’ve connected with a mom club at the area I lived. I have something in common with few moms, but we don’t talk problem in marriage, usually we just talk about kids.

We did see family therapist few months ago. It didn’t help much. Because we just complaining each other when we see the therapist. The worst thing is, we weren’t solving the problem if we have argument or disagreement, and hold back until the day we see the therapist to tell her about the content of our disagreement. Basically, we want the therapist to tell who is wrong, and we will remind each other what the therapist said you should do this and do that in our argument. We’ve stopped to seeing therapist after few sessions. Because we didn’t see solve anything. Our therapist recommended I should take antidepressant drugs by the way.

He always says I changed a lot after we had kids, but he didn’t change. I did notice I changed something that I didn’t expect and wanted. I got more stress; I have no time for friends and myself, my libido got low, got myself in antidepressant drug, my sex life mess up. And he changes nothing, not even an adjustment.

The changes you make can only come from you, and about YOU! If your therapist is prescibing you drugs, you still must consult with your doctor for adjustments and guidance for any drug you take.

You must also have someone close and trusted to talk to, as your own sociall ife MUST expand. Even a little isolation is harmful,and a lot is a disaster. A healthy social life is a key to stress relief, and relief of stress is a key to self sufficiency in keeping day to day problems and stress in proper perspective and keeps you from both building resentments, and having a strategy for dealing with your issues.

That goes a long way to rebuilding communications with your partner, OR dealing with his BS! You will fee lbetter acting in your own behalf, than reacting with resentments.

A friend to vent your resentments to, and activities that make you happy are an absolute MUST. Be creative. AND patient. It takes time to build a life that you enjoy! Ask your physician and see if he agrees with me.

I can understand how knowing that he has recently been fantasizing about other women (those in the porn) can be an intimacy killer for you. However, if this is something that won't change, you have no choice but to work past your hang-ups regarding the porn or you will be stuck in a sexless marriage. In other words, two things could change here: his porn use and your attitude about it. He has said he won't quit using the porn, so what's left to change is how you think about/deal with the porn. That part of the problem is under your control. The only thing I would suggest he does change is being more considerate of your feelings and taking greater care to hide the porn use.

Also, I'll reiterate what I said previously about his priorities. I think you clearly are the priority. The fact that he uses porn everyday and is open about it, is not him demonstrating that porn is the priority. He's just being honest about it. My guess is the only reason he's using it everyday is because he's wanting sex everyday and you are rarely wanting sex. The decisions he makes when faced with a choice between sex with you and masturbation with porn are going to reveal his priorities. He has said that he wants sex with you rather than masturbation. He only masturbates then because sex with you is often not a choice, but sex with you is the priority.

He said he would have sex with you whenever your in the mood instead of masturbating. But somehow you're the backup? Listen to yourself does that make any sense

Also hate to break the news but most men masturbate A lot do it multiple times per day and will lie about it so I'd say your pretty lucky.

Just walk in your bedroom after you shower. Tell him do that somewere else.