Hello Everyone. I need some advice..
I have actually been here for a little while, this is just my first question that I have asked.. I just had to find the strength to share my story. I'm not really sure if I have that strength yet, I just know that I really need to let a few things out. I need some help. Im not really sure on which category to put this under, and I apologize in advance because of the length of this. I am so sorry. I just really need some advice. My name is Caitlyn. I am 15 years old. I am so hurt. And I have been since I was about 7 years old. Here-- let me start from the beginning...
First, I was sexually abused by two of my brothers. My biological brother- I guess you would say that he "fondled" with me while I was asleep. It first started happening when I was 15. He 's a year younger than me, so I just thought that maybe he was getting those "urges"... Until it happened for more than just a few times. I told my father about it, and nothing was done. At times, he'd hide in the closet as soon as I had gotten out of the shower to watch me get dressed. It sickens me that my own brother would do such a thing.
I was also sexually abused by my step brother from the time I was 7 to the time I was 14. When I had finally worked up the courage to tell someone about it, Child Protective Services got involved and removed him from our home. When he graduated high school in 2011, my dad ignored their orders and allowed him to move back into our home. It happened all over again; Not only with me, but with a 5 year old little girl that did nothing wrong. He'd send me nude pictures, want me to watch um, porn with him, make me read incest stories to him, just disgusting stuff. I resent my father for many things but this is just one of them. He let someone back into our home, knowing what this person has done to his daughter; whether it was his step son or not, he was fully aware of what could have happened if he was brought back into our home. Besides, I am his DAUGHTER! His REAL daughter. He should love me enough to understand that I didn't want to be around him!
When I told my therapist, he made certain that he would never live in the same home as me again. I was so happy that day. I went on thinking that there was no one else out there that would hurt me like that ever again... I was wrong. So wrong...
Anyway, well I still see every once and a while, because he IS still in my family but I keep my distance, and I am very alert, and keep a very close eye on him when he is around young girls. It just really bothers me and I will do everything I possibly can to prevent it from happening to anyone else.
I started using drugs and drinking alcohol quite often when I was about 13 years old. I was a bit depressed and this was how I coped-- Until.. I got in some major trouble in school and found myself checked in to inpatient rehab at the age of 15. When I realized that I had been arrested twice in the same year and was facing some serious felony charges, I knew I had to stop. I almost had nine months clean, until things started getting to hard for me to handle, and I just let go. I gave up and started using again. I am still clean today, but I only have 33 days.
Well, I met this guy, Tyler, while over at a friends house. We started talking to each other and eventually started dating. For the first maybe 3 or 4 months, our relationship was nearly perfect. He was nice to me, he treated me right, and well, "we loved each other." Then that's when I started noticing the verbal and emotional abuse. He was calling me, wondering where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing. He was practically stalking me. He isolated me from my friends, sometimes even my family. I was blamed for everything bad in his life. To him, I was a worthless piece of crap that deserved nothing.
And after hearing this so many times, I have been grown to believe it. After a few months of name calling and such, he started getting violent towards me. He hits me, kicks me, chokes me, slaps me, punches me, etc. In February, he beat me up, because I wouldn't have sex with him. Left bruises on my neck from where he was choking me, on the side of my face from where he threw a school book at me, all over my back from where he pushed me off the back porch, and all over my arms from where he pinned me down and um, raped me.
April 6, 2012 was the most traumatic, terrifying day of my life. My dad wasn't home, and my little brother had been outside mowing the grass. He texted me to bring him a bottle of water, and when I came inside, Tyler was waiting at the door for me. I must have left the front door unlocked when I went outside earlier that day to check the mail. I refuse to go back outside alone, and I am constantly making sure the front door is locked. He grabbed me, and threw me on my bed. He strapped me down with a um, dog chain, raped me again, and then burned me with a curling iron 6 times- I counted in my head while screaming to death.
At this point, I just wanted to die. I just couldn't stand to live with the hurt and aftermath of this, because I just knew that it was going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to do.
After this happened, I started having lots of symptoms of PTSD. The paranoia, dissociation, flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, panic attacks, hearing his voice in my head made me (really) panic, and I also had a few hallucinations. I am mostly triggered at night in my bedroom, or when I am home alone. Every now and then I will "see" him pop up in a corner or outside of my window holding a dog chain. I freak out. My friends' father is a psychiatrist. I told him my symptoms and he said that I had PTSD and possibly a case of something called Stockholm Syndrome.
Last month, Tyler kicked and stomped on me, with his steel toed boots-- for whatever reason-- and left me unconscious in a field. My neighbor saw me laying out there and called the police. He broke three of my ribs. I just really don't know what to do anymore. The last thing I feel right now is safe and happy. As of right now, the only REAL support I have, would be these online support groups and websites. There's this one that I know that helps a lot, it's called PTSD Connect..
Anyway, well I am so sorry for the long story, but thank you so much for listening. I appreciate it. A lot. ((hugs))
