Ask Me Help Desk - Cheated, we cannot deal

I cheated on my boyfriend about 6 months ago, we are still together but he doesn't know how to deal with it, all he does is bring it up constantly when he drinks and makes me feel like I'm nothing. He's unhappy in our relationship and wants to leave me but I really love him and want to make it right somehow, how do I help him deal with this so he doesn't leave and also make myself happy too?

If he is this unhappy and wants to leave; drinks and then brings up your past cheating on him; he makes you feel like nothing when he drinks and starts to berate you; exactly how is this making you happy? How is this making you feel like a part of the relationship? How does his behavior offer you any support and forgiveness and show you a desire to move past the past? Yes, you cheated, you admitted that. However, for him to continue using that against you is really a poor technique in maintaining a relationship. It is a very good technique to use if one wants to destroy the relationship.

Right now he cannot get past your actions. Unless he can agree to go to a couples counselor/relationship counselor with you, I would say to give him the space he is wanting. Tell him that even though you love him, that you cannot continue to live in the yesterday. Tell him you have exhausted all the ways you know how to make "it" up to him. Then tell him he can go. It is up to him then, to either stay and really work through his feelings or leave. I cannot see you being held responsible any longer.

Best of luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandabearatwafflehouse

I cheated on my boyfriend about 6 months ago, we are still together but he doesnt know how to deal with it, all he does is bring it up constantly when he drinks and makes me feel like im nothing. he's unhappy in our relationship and wants to leave me but i really love him and want to make it right somehow, how do i help him deal with this so he doesnt leave and also make myself happy too?

I don't fully agree with the above answer, but there are some good points. I am going through something similar even though I’m not sure she cheated on me, it’s possible. What is a fact is that she has lied to me over and over and over about her whereabouts, which causes me to think it’s not just something simple. She never admitted anything until I would drag it out, which was exhusting. It would have been better not to lie, but if she did then own up to it so healing can begin. I wanted to very much get back to normal behavior because I was cold and would bring up the past situations, but only because I felt that nothing was changing. You need to let him get over this and prove to him without a doubt that it will never happen again. You are frustrated, but so is he. Tell him that you are willing to hang in there with him until he can feel comfortable again and don’t just say it, mean it and do it. The previous answer made a point that here has to be a limit and I agree, but the limit is more than likely longer than you want it to be, but there is a price to pay for everything.

You already made yourself happy, for a moment when you cheated.

There is nothing you can do except do you best to show him that you love him but it is up to himself whether he is going to leave or not. It is not up to you anymore.

It is in his hands and no matter what happens, you need to except whatever decisions he makes. He is very unhappy and who can blame him. Maybe he is better off without you and honestly maybe your better off figuring out why those choices were made and learn to move on, also learn that things do happen and you need to learn from them and improve on yourself so it never happens again.

Whether your with the same person or not.

Joe

He is not dealing with his problems and I don't think you can help him. He was deeply wounded by your actions, and can only help himself. Until he gets to the point he wants to be honest with himself and his feelings then I can only see you both as miserable until one of you leaves to get healthy again. I think there where a lot of problems in this relationship to start with and your cheating made them come to a head. You have a lot of hard choices to make. Sorry I wish I could say something happier for you but I can't at this point.

Honey listen as hard as you try to you cannot "fix it", the fact remains he is never going to stop throwing this up at you and will never trust you. I think after 6 months you know this yourself even.
Do leave and let him have peace now, what good would this relationship serve either one of you if he is that miserable?
I am not saying it was okay to cheat, and I am talking to you as I would my own adult children now so here goes...

YES you really screwed up but we are all human and life is full of "what if's and mistakes", what you need to do now is learn from it and move on because life is way to short.