Me and my Ex have been going out for almost five years now. This past weekend she told me she wants to leave because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, when I asked why all she could tell me is that she wanted to be alone and she was confused that was the best answer that she could give me.

I know we are very young... I'm 20 and she's turning 19 in a month.. we actually moved into a house together after dating for four years because we were going to go to the same school and we both didn't want to have roommates etc. She is studying to become a pre-med student so she usually is busy with school work (has no job she doesn't pay for rent, food, electricity or anything of the sort) but toward the end of the relationship she started hanging out with one of her girlfriends from where she used to live that recently moved into the area and it almost seemed like she would blow off any plans she would have with me to hang out with her friend.


Well this Saturday morning she got in an argument with me about something silly and when I ended up going to the bathroom she called my mother and told her that we were breaking up and she wanted to talk to her etc (they are very close). I drove there about 100 miles back and forth and really didn't get anywhere. She kept saying that she was confused and just wanted to end things with me so she could be alone and not drag me along with her.


I know it doesn't help that we are so young and it almost seems she keeps everything that she feels upset about inside and never says anything (PROBLEM) because she doesn't want to disappoint me because I provide her with everything. I really still love her to death and would do anything for her but she told me she doesn't want a relationship now she just wants to be alone even though she said on many occasions she HATES being alone. Since she left on Saturday afternoon I've only contacted her once on Monday night to see how she was doing I stayed away from questioning because I think that's the last thing she wants right now. What do you think I should do?

Thanks in advance.

I would give her her space, hang in there though. She may just need sometime to see if this is really what she wants. I went through something similar last year with my boyfriend of 5 years, we spent a month apart and it like to killed us both. We are back together and happier than ever. If she's serious you'll know. But be honest with her about how you feel, tell her that your there for her. If she isn't hurting you tell her, let her know that and then ask her in what way does she think she is, this may lead to what's causing the problem. You need to talk (tell her to be open with you and you do the same) and be honest with each other about your feelings, no fighting though and don't use the YOU word when you do. If there's a problem for example say, I feel like this when______ happens instead of when You _____ it does this to me. Using the YOU word puts people on the defensive. Hope this helps.

Jonjons1girl Thanks for the fast reply! I'm trying to give her space when I called her on Monday to see how she was doing everything went fine but after we hung up I got a text message about an hour or two later that stated

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Ur still my best friend. I don't know if we can still have that but I'm sure that anything more is just gone.. I'm so sorry.

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I have no idea where that came from. When we talked on the phone it was just pretty much just seeing how each other was doing and how school was etc.

Hello. I am 19 as well and I made a stupid mistake, just as your ex did. It seems like the easiest way to be sometimes yet we all know it's the worst. I bet that she is just getting caught up in school and feeling like she needs to impress her friend by being able to live the full "college life" which as we all know also is not worth it. She WILL come back. I would put money on it, but you should take this time to think if this is what you want before you go right back in. Just give it time and I know everyone says that and they say that it will be OK but really be the strong one here... it'll help you out a lot.
Good Luck!

If she means that you'll know in time, do you think she has been seeing someone else when she was qoute with that friend? Or could have met someone?

77rommis: Thanks for the advice I'm definitely thinking about it and right now I'd almost feel I'd take her back in a heartbeat but I know that's probably not a good idea until she's had enough time to think about EVERYTHING so this doesn't happen again.. I can't take it.


jonjons1girl: To be honest I have no idea if she has met someone new.. I know she was talking to some guy on AIM a lot and he was throwing all sorts of ideas in her head talking about how amazing she is but it turns out the kid is lives 1500miles away in Ohio honestly this is what started the confrontation on Saturday morning when she left is I woke up at 6:30AM to get a drink and she wasn't in bed she was outside talking to this kid and she wouldn't let me read what he wrote as she turned off the computer before I could read it. Since I pay for her cellphone bill I always look at the statements and I never see really any new numbers on her end so I'm not sure. She hasn't had any contact with that kid for almost 4months before this Saturday that I know of.

Although it almost seems like she found someone she maybe interested in and wants to test the water and if its not good then come back? That isn't going to fly with me but she isn't a strong communicator so its almost like she hides things from me in fear that I will be disappointed in her since I do so much for her.

I'm just so confused because of the lack of communication.

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I'm just so confused because of the lack of communication.

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Give her space and accept that she is on a whole different page. Its hard to replace a person after sharing a life for 5 years but taking care of yourself and your own needs and wants, is important and let her do her thing. No communication, no relationship.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Give her space and accept that she is on a whole different page. Its hard to replace a person after sharing a life for 5 years but taking care of yourself and your own needs and wants, is important and let her do her thing. No communication, no relationship.

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Yeah I've been trying to do just this. One small problem there will be contact sometime soon because she left more then half her clothes here, a bunch of school stuff her laptop and important bank documents etc. I guess that will be on her to call.

Its time to go. You can't fix what is broke at the moment. Get a friend to take her clothes back, something along these lines so you don't have to directly communicate with each other. Perhaps one day you will meet again once you are healed.

You must:

1) NC
2) Live life
3) Find a new direction
4) Listen to lots of music :)
5) Spend time with your friends
6) Workout
7) New hobbies
8) Enjoy the little things
9) You can't take on the world straight away, start with 3% and eventually your get there

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Originally Posted by Jiser

Its time to go. You can't fix what is broke at the moment. Get a friend to take her clothes back, something along these lines so you don't have to directly communicate with each other. Perhaps one day you will meet again once you are healed.

You must:

1) NC
2) Live life
3) Find a new direction
4) Listen to lots of music :)
5) Spend time with your friends
6) Workout
7) New hobbies

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Yeah I'm starting to get over it already although it's hard because we did everything together. About the friend taking clothes etc back... I have no idea where she is staying I know it's at her friends house but I don't know the location.

Box them up and put them away for now, she left them to have a reason to come back.

Hiya babe.
U said your girlfriend said she doesn't want to hurt you anymore and that she is confused? To me that sounds as if she is feeling guilty about something. I was with my ex boyfriend for a yr and a half, I loved him like mad but cheated on him with a boy I met and after that one night I was so confused! I felt so guilty I couldn't bare to be near my boyfriend or even look at him. I had to finish it and I never told him why because I felt so bad. I ignored all his calls and texts when I really wanted to give him a hug an say I love u!
This may not be the case for you, just thinking of possibilities that might help u :)
X

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Originally Posted by mrsmoz

hiya babe.
u said ur gf said she doesnt want to hurt u anymore and that she is confused? To me that sounds as if she is feeling guilty bout something. I was with my ex bf for a yr and a half, I loved him like mad but cheated on him with a boy I met and after that one night I was so confused! I felt so guilty I couldnt bare to be near my boyfriend or even look at him. I had to finish it and I never told him why because I felt so bad. I jus ignored all his calls and texts when I really jus wanted to give him a hug an say I love u!
This may not be the case for you, just thinkin of possibilities that might help u :)
x

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Hey,

This has always been in the back of my mind but I'm not certain about it maybe it could have been a 1night thing? As I pay for her cell phone bill I haven't seen any unusual numbers besides from her family, me and her girl-friend which she stays at her apartment they text each other like easy 40 times a day. The weird part in all of this she said she wanted to be alone but wants to meet me for lunch next week over spring break so I'm all sorts of confused now also she stated it would be nice to "Catch up on things" not sure what that means either as she's only been gone since Saturday. I haven't been contacting her since Monday and I don't plan on contacting her anytime soon.

creativeinde - nobody knows what is going on in her head except her... and maybe even she doesn't.

I dated a girl fro 7 years... 2 HS, 4 college, and into her first year med school. We were pretty solid those first 4 years... then she wanted to be less tied down and wanted some space. We were best friends as well.

Sound familiar?

Well... we spent a couple of the last years in college together and not... mostly together, but it was clear that her attention was shifting.

Then she went to med school. Everything changed. Its an intense program. Its all new people. It's a new environment. Hard as hell to hold onto a relationship.

In the end, we crashed and burned. We could have stayed friends. But I was there too much for her and tried too much to make her happy, ignoring the fact that the relationship was becoming all about her needs and her terms. Not healthy for either of us. She felt guilty. I felt betrayed.

So... are you doomed to this same fate? Of course not. Or maybe so. Again, each relationship is different.

Anybody in a serious relationship should be willing to do some work to keep it alive. But... that does not mean at all costs.

One thing is important. You might have been her best friend, but that might have to end for a time. If you are still "there for her" and still supporting her, she isn't really without you. She still has the emotional support and security of being with you without committing to you.

I don't think you really can help anything by trying to please her. You want her to genuinely need you. Period. If she doesn't need you as much as she did you need to know that.

Giving her a little room to think about your relationship is absolutely needed. Those who claim backing off will lead to disaster are clueless. Yes, backing off may let her see she needs to be without you sooner... but better to know now than to waste time holding on. AND it is possible shell decide that her distance is a mistake.

She's going through something that, I think, it normal and common. She's in a serious relationship at a time in her life when a lot of things will be changing. It is normal and healthy to rethink what you are doing from time to time.

Might not feel good to you... but it's a part of maturing emotionally. You should do the same. And you should understand that even if you drift apart, there IS life after your first real love.

I've been married to a great woman 7 years come next weekend. To find her, I had to lose my first, second, and third loves. It sucks, but it's a part of living and loving.

Sorry this was so long... I just think you are going through a lot of what I went through. And id hate for you to waste the time I did holding onto something that had been great but had begun to change.

kp2171,

Wow amazing post it made me feel like I can relate to someone. I think what is making this harder then it should be is I almost feel cheated because of her lack of communication like I wasn't even given a chance but I guess I'll just have to take this as experience and move on.

Well that's nice of you paying her phone bills, lol!! Are you still paying it now?? Id stop that straight away! KP2171 is right, onli she knows what's going on in her head! I can't figure out from reading all this what's going on eitha? Girls are sooo weird isn't they! Try concentrating on other things!!
Ive also just been dumped myself, last month!! He said he wanted to be alone and that's all the reason I got!! How annoying!! Ive spoke to him since and Im still not getting a proper answer!! Im sivil to him when we talk when really I want to tie him up, shout at him and get some answers and slap him round the head a few times!!
X

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Originally Posted by creativeinde

kp2171,

Wow amazing post it made me feel like I can relate to someone. I think what is making this harder then it should be is I almost feel cheated because of her lack of communication like I wasn't even given a chance but I guess I'll just have to take this as experience and move on.

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That's what I'm trying to do! Take it as experience and learn from your mistakes! Its been nearly 2months and I still think about my ex, not as much as I did when this 1st happened but Im getting better!! Its hard but ur'l heal in time!! Your onli young as well!! Plenty of time 2 find the perfect girl and have fun along the way :)
X

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Originally Posted by mrsmoz

well thats nice of u payin her phone bills, lol!!! are u still payin it now??? Id stop that straight away!! KP2171 is right, onli she knows whats goin on in her head! I can't figure out from reading all this whats goin on eitha?? girls are sooo wierd aint they!! try concentrating on other things!!!
Ive also just been dumped myself, last month!!! he said he wanted to be alone and thats all the reason I got!!! how annoying!!!! Ive spoke 2 him since and Im stil not gettin a proper answer!!! Im sivil 2 him when we talk when really I want to tie him up, shout at him and get some answers and slap him round the head a few times!!!
x

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Yeah I'm still paying for her phone but only until this weekend.. her father said he was going to be getting her a cell phone. The only reason why I left it on is because I don't want her to be stuck with an emergency and no way to contact anyone as much as I'd like to cut her off this second!

I'm not sure if I'll ever get the answer out of her but maybe this is why she wants to go to lunch next week during spring break maybe to talk about it who knows. I don't plan on talking to her anytime soon!

Here is the link to the original thread. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ars-69419.html


I get a call from Her best friend's boyfriend confirming that she is playing me he said he can't stand all the lies anymore.. she was telling her own family lies, her best friend and her bestfriend's mom that is currently giving a roof over her head etc.. Here for the really f'd up part.. The guy she is interested in she has NEVER met before.. he lives in Ohio has never came down to see her but she met him on an online game and he's been putting things in her head how they want to get married etc etc although he still lives with his mother, older brother w/ g/f that has a kid and another little brother in a trailer park. I'm not sure if she is on drugs or what is going on but it seems she needs some SERIOUS help.


At first I almost didn't want to believe it but the more and more made sense as they explained... and she would bash the hell out of me when I'd text message her but if I called right after she'd pick up the phone with the sweetest voice etc that's how her best friend knew she was bull sh*ting her whole family.. she went as far to tell them that I was abusive hit her and degraded her on a daily basis... WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO BE MY FRIEND THEN?? WHY I DON'T GET IT. Anyway it was all bull and they quickly caught on... I don't think this crazy girl even has a friend anymore.

Good riddance for real when I heard it I was crushed but it almost felt there was a huge weight lifted off me that I now knew was for the better I don't need some girl that's going to go around to try to get sympathy by lying about how I treat her. I mean it doesn't make sense... I put her in a 300k house, 30k Lexus to drive to school back and forth and she back stabs me for some guy she's never really met online only contact she had with him was over the phone and online?? She is either on drugs or needs mental help.

Either way that's my story but here is the kicker ill leave for the bottom... when she called me early today and talked to me for nearly 2hours... that subject of a new relationship came up and she said these words "What kind of person would go straight into a relationship after breaking up with someone they love so much and after almost 5 years of commitment? Thats like unhuman" I hope she chokes on these words for the rest of her life! YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR FIRST!!


"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away."
-Dorothy Parker

Why are you so surprised? All this was covered in your last thread and now that its been confirmed, you know what you have to do.