Ask Me Help Desk - Why won't he..

Why won't he..

My boyfriend and I just celebrated 12 happy years together. We have been talking about marriage all of the time for about 5 yrs now and still no ring. He always sounds super excited to make me his wife and every other aspect of our relationship is great. I always feel like he can propose at any time so I hate to bring it up and possibly "ruin" the surprise for when he actually does pop the question.

All of this waiting is starting to really annoy me :( I want a house, marriage and children but definitely want his name before I have a kid. I am 28 and he is 30. Am I just being impatient?

12 years and everything is going great, then I would think you are being impatient. How are things financially though? There are a lot of expenses that go along with marriage, not just the ring or maybe he's just waiting for the perfect moment.

No, 12 years of him promising makes you a saint.
But what are your choices?
Turn it sour by delivering an ultimatum.
Wheedling.
Trying the rational approach about your biological clock.
Continuing as is.
Breaking up.
I won't even begin to tell you what to do (although I lean toward the clock). We aren't there to see how wonderful it all is or not. For all we know, he's already married and taking you for a ride, right?

Finacially we are living like 20 yr olds but trying to step it up with schooling and new jobs. We have big dreams to get married in Bora Bora $$$$ but I would go to j.o.p. in a heartbeat! After this long we don't really want to settle because we deserve the wedding of our dreams. I would never give an ultimatum because I would never break up with him. I tell him about my clock all of the time lol he thinks it's a joke because my sister just had a baby at 40! But SHE IS SUPERWOMAN

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelliegrinage

Finacially we are living like 20 yr olds but trying to step it up with schooling and new jobs. we have big dreams to get married in Bora Bora $$$$ but I would go to j.o.p. in a heartbeat! after this long we dont really want to settle because we deserve the wedding of our dreams. I would never give an ultimatum because I would never break up with him. I tell him about my clock all of the time lol he thinks its a joke because my sister just had a baby at 40! but SHE IS SUPERWOMAN

If you're both living like 20 year olds then you should be terrified of getting married now, no matter what you feel you deserve. Don't financially burden yourselves just for "the wedding of our dreams". This is coming from the guy raised by two parents 30 thousand in debt because of their marriage.

A---HA!
You are contradicting yourself, and have lost your saintly aura. You'd go to a JOP in a heartbeat but want the wedding of your dreams in Bora Bora. Which you can't afford yet. Speak now or forever hold your peace - which is it?

By wedding of our dreams, I mean eloping to bora bora on a $6000 budget just me and him on a beach. But I would be okay with just honeymooning there some day. I am half way to that $6000 with savings. I don't want to buy my own ring though. I would never spend 30 thousand on a wedding HOLY CRAP are your parents celebrites?

It's easy to spend that much on a wedding and reception nowadays. For fun, I planned my funeral, a very simple one, and ended up with a $10,000 total.

After 12 years, why would he marry you? He has it all now.

Thanks everyone for your input. Looks like I just need to chill out and have faith that everything with work out great.

I never understand how people living together for a period have areas in their lives which they cannot or do not discuss.

Having faith that everything is going to work out won't get you a wedding ring, you know. Twelve years of waiting should tell you that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Having faith that everything is going to work out won't get you a wedding ring, you know. Twelve years of waiting should tell you that.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Wondergirl again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Having faith that everything is going to work out won't get you a wedding ring, you know. Twelve years of waiting should tell you that.

Although I do have a friend who waited 8 years for the engagement ring (which bought him more time) and now has waited 8 years for the wedding - which still isn't scheduled.

Maybe this boyfriend is on the 10/10 plan.

Omg

Should I just take book a bora bora vacation and set the date :/

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelliegrinage

should I just take book a bora bora vacation and set the date :/

Why not talk to him about it? I think at this point, if he did have something planned and you "ruin" it by bringing it up it's his own fault anyway for waiting this long.

How much has he put away for the 'dream wedding'? How much has he contributed to any future plans other than listening to yours?

I think it is time that you plan your future and figure out if he is still a part of it. Are you both still on the same path or separate ones currently running parallel to each other?

Some couples do well with never marrying. It is their mutual decision. However, it seems like you need more than what you currently have. Does he?

Even though you said you are 28 and 30 and have been together 12 years, I only now realized that you started this relationship when you were 16 and 18! Incredible. I have to hand it to you.
Never mind your sister having a baby at 40. Someone nearby me had one when she was over 60. Where do you draw the line? Wherever you want. 28 sounds reasonable to me, or maybe 30, so that you can knuckle down and stop living like there's no tomorrow. It's your choice. I chose not to have children so I'm not even advocating for the idea. But I don't think it's so hard to TELL him that you want a baby for 2 years from now YES or NO and no going back if he says yes.

I feel like when I talk to him about it in a serious, time sensitive matter he feels pressured and gets angry. I understand why he feels that way, I think he has a hard time seeing it from my point of view. He always says that I bring it up because my peers give me a hard time, which is true but doesn't mean that I don't have real feelings. He had some money stashed away (I thought for an engagement ring) until he started looking at trucks on craigslist :(

Oh but then he will go online and search vacation packages in bora bora? Ugh I am getting so many mixed signals

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelliegrinage

I feel like when I talk to him about it in a serious, time sensitive matter he feels pressured and gets angry. I understand why he feels that way, I think he has a hard time seeing it from my point of view. He always says that I bring it up because my peers give me a hard time, which is true but doesn't mean that I dont have real feelings. He had some money stashed away (I thought for an engagement ring) until he started looking at trucks on craigslist :(

I think the two of you aren't on the same page here. You want marriage. I don't think he does. You think your clock is ticking. He either doesn't think so or just plain doesn't care.

He stashed money away and you don't know what he's saving for?

I do think you are on different wave lengths.

He may be happy in your relationship, unchanged, forever.

Would you be happy forever?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelliegrinage

I feel like when I talk to him about it in a serious, time sensitive matter he feels pressured and gets angry. I understand why he feels that way, I think he has a hard time seeing it from my point of view. He always says that I bring it up because my peers give me a hard time, which is true but doesn't mean that I dont have real feelings. He had some money stashed away (I thought for an engagement ring) until he started looking at trucks on craigslist :(

The fact that he gets angry when you bring it up shows he might not even be interested in the idea at all. Now it's up to you to figure out why he doesn't, which from what you said in the original post, sounds like it's already proving difficult.