Ask Me Help Desk - Having a moment.

Having a moment.

Hi all. I've been having a moment, so to speak, for that last few months, okay, more than mere month, but lets not nitpick.

It's most likely my age, the fact that I'm realizing that having another child will soon no longer be possible, if it even is now, I haven't had a period in... hmmmm... around 8 months. I've done the testing for menopause, doctor says that's not it. But I am very anemic, have been for a long time. He thinks that's why.

Enough about my health issues though. For all intents and purposes I would still be able to have a child, even though it's not a great idea at my age (I'll be 42 next month). Also, my husband had a vasectomy a few years ago. But I heard those can be reversed.

Fact is, even though I really don't think I'd be ready to have another baby, I find myself yearning for one. I find myself getting depressed over the fact that I will never have another. I find myself feeling that something is missing.

I should mention that I had a very horrific miscarriage around 6 years ago. I almost died. That pregnancy wasn't planned, but when we found out, we were thrilled. We bought things, made plans, we were excited. Then, right at the 3 month date, I lost the baby and almost lost my life.

For a few years after that we thought about whether we wanted to try for another. We both decided not to, that we were happy with the two we have (and we really are), and my husband went in for a vasectomy. It wasn't really a spur of the moment decision, but it was a decision I based largely on fear. I was terrified to get pregnant again and go through what I had gone through with the last pregnancy. I wanted to avoid that.

Now I'm thinking it was a mistake.

The thing is, I like my life. I have a teen son, an almost 10 year old daughter. I have the perfect family. Adding a baby right now, I'd be starting from scratch, literally. I haven't kept any of the baby things. I don't even have a crib anymore, I lent it to someone else, I sold the stroller, car seat, and gave away all the clothes. I'd have to buy all new stuff.

But I can't help thinking that I'm missing out on something, that someone is missing from our family. My kids don't help, whenever I ask them if they'd like to have a baby in the family they say "Yes, that would be great"! Not helping!

I know this is silly. I know this is stupid. I also know that the odds are against us, not only because of the vasectomy, but also my health.

Still, I yearn. I yearn to hold another baby of my own, to feel that life growing inside of me, to add another perfect little person to our family, give a brother or sister to my kids. I yearn. I dream about this almost every night.

How do I get over that, and don't tell me grandkid's. That's a long way off. I just need to get over it, and I don't know how.

Or, do I need to get over it? Should I go for it? Is that crazy?

I'm a realist and will say it straight out. You're not in the best of health, and there's no guarantee this baby would survive either. (You really want to risk that again?) I say give Rascal and Chewy and your kids extra hugs and get on with life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm a realist and will say it straight out. You're not in the best of health, and there's no guarantee this baby would survive either. (You really want to risk that again?) I say give Rascal and Chewy and your kids extra hugs and get on with life.

Thanks WG.

I have to say, realistically I know that. I agree with that, and I know you're right. If by some miracle, and at this point it would be a miracle, R had a reversal on his vasectomy and I got pregnant, I'd likely lose the baby, or this time I'd lose my life. Realistically I do get that.

Still, that doesn't stop the yearning. :(

I've even looked into adoption. But I'm not a good candidate for that either because of my age and my health. :(

Get a volunteer job in a hospital nursery. There are women (and maybe men) who cuddle newborns.

I agree with WG. You are not a good candidate for a pregnancy due to both your age and your health issues. Also, a vasectomy reversal is not guaranteed, so why go through with the discomfort, etc.

I know you are working at the Dollarama, but what about checking into working in day care centers?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Get a volunteer job in a hospital nursery. There are women (and maybe men) who cuddle newborns.

Unfortunately, those days are passed. Nurseries are very highly guarded and restricted to only hospital nursery staff these days due to the high risk of infection as well as newborn abductions.

For example, our nursery is locked down. There are only a few choice people who know the code to get in to it. Those people only include the nursery staff. Not even the ER (in case of an emergency), or the respiratory staff (in case of an emergency). There are 14 of us who know the code and we are sworn to secrecy.

Alty, your hormones are changing. Similar to that of the teen years. We yearn to have children when we are young, but we also begin to yearn them again when we realize we are at the end of the spectrum of our child bearing years.

Your age presents a problem, especially if you haven't had a period in 8 or so months. Your eggs are most likely not healthy enough to give birth to a perfectly healthy child.

Hmmm, thought I read an article recently about volunteers cuddling babies, especially in the neonatal unit, since hospital staff had no time. Maybe it was a select group of women who had passed muster and had the security code.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Hmmm, thought I read an article recently about volunteers cuddling babies, especially in the neonatal unit, since hospital staff had no time. Maybe it was a select group of women who had passed muster and had the security code.

I would like to read that article. We have 2 of the most highly recognized nurseries (NICU and PICU) in the country, LeBohneur Children's Medical Center and St. Jude's, and they don't allow volunteers.

Can you provide me a link to that article?

It was a while ago and possibly in a daily newspaper. If I can find it again (am eager to see the date on it), I will post it here or PM a link to you.

***ADDED*** There's this --

Baby Cuddling

After completing 40 hours of service in the University of Chicago Medicine Comer Children's Hospital Playroom and receiving a recommendation from staff, volunteers can cuddle babies in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) to provide comfort and aid in their development. Volunteer baby cuddlers must be 18 years of age or older. from University of Chicago Medicine Comer Children's Hospital.

I'd be interested to know the date of that article. I couldn't find it. Personally I think it's a wonderful idea! We have too much going on to be able to take time out of our 12 hour shift to cuddle. Babies NEED human interaction no matter who it comes from.

I really think more hospitals should actually employ people to do thisl

If you check the link I provided, that is on the hospital's web site. It is one of the largest (THE largest?) teaching hospitals in the area, and I'm guessing the article I saw was about this program. I remember a photo that accompanied the article. A plump grandma-type woman was wearing a printed smock and rocking a tiny baby..

I guess I don't know where to look for the date. But I truly love it and I think these people should be paid... not volunteers! The work they are doing is truly wonderful!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

A plump grandma-type woman was wearing a printed smock and rocking a tiny baby..

And they should find it in their budget to PAY that woman!

I'd love to volunteer and cuddle newborns in the hospital, but knowing me I'd be even more depressed when they went home.

R and I often thought of becoming foster parents, but quickly realized that it would be too hard on us. Once you're in my arms, you're mine. There's no leaving. I can't put in the time, fall in love with someone, and then be forced to say goodbye only to fall in love with someone new. Not something I do very well. I'd be a wreck.

That's why I stopped working at the shelter. I wanted to bring every dog, cat, rabbit even hamster I held, home with me. It broke my heart to leave them there. It would be even worse with a baby. I fall in love very easily, at least were babies and animals are concerned. :)

But, I do realize this yearning is due to my age, my hormones. Still, it's hard to get over it, even knowing why. I also know that my body couldn't handle having another child. In fact, I'd likely die, or the baby would. Still, that little fire is in my belly, and I don't know how to snuff it out.

I feel like a teenager again. Unfortunately the urge is like a teenager, but no one can say "You have your whole life ahead of you, wait until you're older". My best years are behind me. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to, there's only looking back.

Okay, now I'm really depressing myself. :(

Do what I did when I was your age to stifle the baby hunger--go to grad school. It worked for me. Meanwhile, I also worked full time, and had no time to think of babies.