In Eighth grade I was bullied by fellow classmates because I stood up for my friend who was being bullied for about three months. I was suspended from school for three days and during my absents They began rumors. It started with mild insults and lies which lead to everyone in the entire school hating me because of it. By the time I came back to school everyone pretended that I didn't exist. Once I came to P.E and one of the boys threw a basketball at me and laughed. Luckily his aim was bad. Another time I was sitting in class and I heard one boy ask if he needed to teach me respect. Our principal made me change my schedule because of the harassment but even so I still was given insults and made fun of. My friends didn't help, they believed that I shouldn't have helped my friend out even though she had not done anything wrong.

Back at home I had zero support. My mom pushed my pain away, stating that there was nothing she could do and that I needed to deal with this myself. My big brothers didn't care anyway so there was no point in telling them. After a month of harassment I began to think of committing suicide. I would stare at knives while no one was looking and long to end my life so I wouldn't have to deal with this. However, after a physical fight with my mom which lead to a verbal beating from my physically and emotionally abusive father I began to want to kill them instead of myself. Soon I was fantasizing about how to murder everyone who caused me pain and how to do it openly instead of in secret. I wanted everyone to seem them die by my hands, see me covered in their blood.

I'm in High school now, a tenth grader, but I still wish I had killed them. To this day I think of several ways to kill people and I can't help it. Every time I think of killing someone I don't feel like myself, I feel like I'm someone else. I've never told anyone about this because I'm afraid to talk about it. I don't really understand why I'm like this, I have theories but they don't seem to fit. (or at least to me they don't.) I want to know why I'm like this, I want to know if this is just a phase or something permanent.

Please talk to your counselor and get professional mental health treatment, Your issues are too serious for online experts to deal with.

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Originally Posted by Crazywildkid

In Eighth grade I was bullied by fellow classmates because i stood up for my friend who was being bullied for about three months. I was suspended from school for three days and during my absents They began rumors. It started with mild insults and lies which lead to everyone in the entire school hating me because of it. By the time I came back to school everyone pretended that I didn't exist. Once I came to P.E and one of the boys threw a basketball at me and laughed. Luckily his aim was bad. Another time I was sitting in class and I heard one boy ask if he needed to teach me respect. Our principal made me change my schedule because of the harassment but even so I still was given insults and made fun of. My friends didn't help, they believed that I shouldn't have helped my friend out even though she had not done anything wrong.

Back at home I had zero support. My mom pushed my pain away, stating that there was nothing she could do and that I needed to deal with this myself. My big brothers didn't care anyways so there was no point in telling them. After a month of harassment I began to think of committing suicide. I would stare at knives while no one was looking and long to end my life so i wouldn't have to deal with this. However, after a physical fight with my mom which lead to a verbal beating from my physically and emotionally abusive father I began to want to kill them instead of myself. Soon I was fantasizing about how to murder everyone who caused me pain and how to do it openly instead of in secret. I wanted everyone to seem them die by my hands, see me covered in their blood.

I'm in High school now, a tenth grader, but I still wish I had killed them. To this day I think of several ways to kill people and I can't help it. Every time I think of killing someone I don't feel like myself, I feel like I'm someone else. I've never told anyone about this because I'm afraid to talk about it. I don't really understand why I'm like this, I have theories but they don't seem to fit. (or at least to me they don't.) I wanna know why I'm like this, I wanna know if this is just a phase or something permanent.

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You need to speak with a therapist or counsellor - no, these are not normal feelings and emotions.

See a professional and find out why you feel this way, why you obsess about this, if it's permanent.

Crazywildkid, are you still watching this thread? Please tell us what you have done so far in the last 5 days to get help. Since your mother says to deal with it yourself, that might mean telling the school nurse, but I know school won't start for a few weeks, right?

I can tell you that thinking about killing people, and yourself, is a lot more common that you probably think. (I spent years plotting ways to kill my mother, even long into adulthood. I wasn't totally sure I wouldn't act on it, but more than 50% sure. I was also suicidal.)
What isn't common is feeling like another person when having those thoughts. If you can get over the fear of the thoughts themselves, hopefully a therapist can draw you back to just thinking about them as you. In simplest, non technical terms, I think you are so afraid of yourself that you are 'not yourself' when you have these awful thoughts. So please come back and tell us what's happening.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I know school won't start for a few weeks, right?

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Depends on the OP's location. Some schools started as early as August 2.