Ive been with this girl for four years, we live together, her father passed a year ago in an accident. She has been different since then, and has told me she occasionally feels unhappy with life in general but said it is not my fault. I work 14-16 hours 6 or 7 days a week and she doesn't work right now.

Anyway a week ago (she been planning this for a while) she said she was going out with her girl friend Friday night while I was working. I left work an hour early to surprise her with breakfast, and as I came to the bedroom her phone was beeping so I looked at it to shut it up. Come to find out it was this guy she had dated back in middle/high school for a couple weeks, and somehow he got her number and they've been talking for a couple weeks behind my back. I woke her up screaming at her and kicked her out, out of anger. Here I am breaking my back daily to give her everything she needs, and she's saying she's going out with girlfriends but going out with him? HE Come to my house to pick her up? She's staying at her moms and we've talked, she says she didn't do Anything at all with him, but how do I know she's not lying again? How do I know it hasn't been 4 years of lies?

I had another relationship like this before her and told her when I met her I had trust issues from it, (so I know the warning signs such as keeping her phone protected at all times like its an infant) and she said she would never give me anything to worry about. She is absolutely gorgeous, anyone and everyone would want her. Anyway I honestly only have a couple good friends, no girls at all, no time for any of that.

So what do I do? I love her to death and I have never felt so torn apart in my life. I keep asking her why why why and she says I don't know. Through our relationship I have never even talked to another girl like I liked them. She said she doesn't like him and he's not really cute and it was just a friend thing but really I am not ignorant- if it was a friend you wouldn't lie and go behind someone's back. All I want to know is why do people do this instead of just leaving THEN finding someone? What do I do? She hasn't taken any of her stuff from the house, I saw her today to pick the dog up, and she looked miserable.

Just how deep do your trust issues go? Besides hollering and screaming and kicking her out over a phone call? Ever holler and scream before? If so, why?

Let's see... you kick her out in a screaming rage and then go online and ask total strangers if she was cheating? How would we know? Why do you think we would know?

You work 90 hours a week - that itself is a recipe for loneliness for a mate, unless you find a woman who also is a workaholic, or who wants to get married and have babies, or who is happy spending your money.

And you are wrong about why people lie - sometimes it's just because you won't believe them if they tell the truth.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to joypulv again

I was thinking the same thing, she hid the truth because she didn't want to be screamed at for nothing, because he has shown this kind of rage before.

Could it possibly be that your hot headed temper and poor conflict resolution skills (throw her out instead of talking things out with her) and working 80 hour works weeks couldn't be responsible for problems in your relationship rather than her betraying you?

Why do you think she's cheating with her old friend or lying to you about where she's going?
(I agree w/ Talaniman... if there was an innocent reason for her going out I could see why she wouldn't want to tell you given your propensity for screaming rage-outs)

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Originally Posted by maninthemirror

I woke her up screaming at her and kicked her out, out of anger. Here I am breaking my back daily to give her everything she needs, and shes saying shes going out with girlfriends but going out with him?? HE Come to my house to pick her up?? She's staying at her moms and we've talked, she says she didnt do Anything at all with him, but how do I know she's not lying again? How do I know it hasn't been 4 years of lies?

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This show of temper would end the relationship for me, forever.

You apparently have your mind made up or you wouldn't be on AMHD, asking the question. You either believe her or you don't.

And I not only understand why she lied, I understand why she would keep lying.

I wouldn't put up with your insecurities and the potential that you will next turn violent.

Hi.. I posted this question but forgot my login so had to re-signup.
Anyway, I have never shown this kind of rage before as for all of you that say that's why she hid the truth.
She did this probably just because she was bored maybe? She finally got a job so she's not so bored now.. we are back together, but It still bugs me every day almost. Her exact words on the text to him were "Don't tell anyone we're going out tonight..i havent broke up with my boyfriend yet"
Earlier that day she was saying she was CONSIDERING taking a break because she felt lonely and felt like she wasn't good enough for me because she wasn't working/contributing to our financial situation. I told her we were OK how we were but if she wanted to break up we could, and we didn't. But she still proceeded to do what she did, and she had been planning it for over a week (she said she was going out with her friend "next friday")

She seems to be more happy now.I cut back to 40-50 hours a week.. but I mainly just want to know why she did it, and if she's lying about kissing/sleeping with him (she says they never touched- but how do I know)
I have tried getting answers out of her about the whole thing but every time I bring it up she gets pissy and doesn't talk about it. Everyone I ask about this, I ask if they'd believe their girlfriend didn't do anything when she tried hiding the whole situation, and they say hell no.
I don't know what to believe. I will never know for sure and its going to bother me forever so do I stay with her and try to forget about it or what? She seems happy now but I'm still bothered about it and she won't talk about it.

And as for you judy.. if your husband did this, hid it all from you and told his other girl not to tell anyone cause he didn't want you to find out... you wouldn't get angry? Its not my insecurities, it's the fact that women always seem to lie about this stuff. If you want to go for another guy/girl then tell your spouse, and end it first, so nobody is as hurt in the end.

OMG, OMG.
2 months ago you were torn apart, and loved her to death, your words.
You got her back. Yet here you are, sabotaging the whole thing all over again, despite cutting your work hours and working things out, because you don't know whether to believe her or not.
YOU CAN NEVER KNOW IF ANYONE IS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
End of story. Either let the water go under the bridge or break up with her. You both were guilty of something! You are even now. Let it go.

What's confusing you is asking others what to do or what to believe. That means you were maybe not thoughtful in getting back together, or unable to handle the your own doubts, or both.

Your decision was based on feelings and not facts and what you are facing now is the facts.

You definitely need time to figure YOURSELF out to know the direction YOU want to go next. Until you do that DON't make the past the issue because you are unable to deal with your own feelings.

You made the decision to try again then give it an honest effort, without projecting your fears and doubts into it. I realize that's not easy, since you didn't have a cool calm and in control behavior to begin with, but you better get hold of yourself, or a second try will be destroyed by your actions.

For now, think before you ACT, or SPEAK, so you will have no more regrets and can see and deal with the facts. A cool head makes better decisions. So do nothing but get yourself and your emotions under control.

In this way you will eventual get in touch with yourself, and see facts and gain UNDERSTANDING of this situation.

Hi I don't think she's cheated on you I just think she might be upset and looking for an old friend to talk to, maybe she just needed a bit of alone time just to work things out with other people I don't think she's cheating on you I just think maybe she might be a bit upset and unhappy I mean I am only 13 years old but I mean I've had this happen to me before so I am quite good with things like this so I think you should say sorry for judging her and then hope everything turns out okay:)xoxo

OK, it's a little bit strange, almost creepy, how your story is very similar to mine. I caught my now ex doing the same thing, texting to an old flame. Some of it was even sexual.. but the worst part was how she talked about leaving me for him. So obviously I was devastated, but I didn't actually wake her up or rage. As much as I wanted to scream and throw the phone across the room, I tried to relax and thought id talk about it later that day...

So later that day, I tried to get her to fess up what she did. I tried so hard to get her to admit what she did but she just wouldn't. So I did what I DID NOT want to do, but thought it was taking the high road, by ending things. The only explanation I gave her was that I knew she wasn't happy with me (and its true, things weren't going that well, which is probably why she began texting this guy again). It kind of took her off guard when I said we should separate. She pleaded her case and like a weak man I took her back.

I should have mentioned this guy lived in another city. Couple days later she tells me she is going to see her grandparents, that ironcally enough, lived in the same city. So, here I am, knowing everything I know, but I didn't say anything. I don't know why, I guess I was being a weak man. When I said goodbye at the airport, it felt like that was the end. We were technically still together, but I knew that she was going to see him.

For 14 days my mind was going crazy thinking about what they might be doing. I couldn't even call because her grandparents place was out of the city away from cell coverage. I was literally losing my mind. To me, it felt like a break up. I was hurt and vulnerable.

In the middle of those 14 days, I probably made the biggest mistake of my life. I got a bj from some chick when I had some people over for a party. Immediately after, I actually felt sick to my stomach. This girl meant absolutely nothing, and never have talked/seen her ever again. But the damage was done.

When she finally got reception coverage, I finally spitted out all of what I saw in those texts. I was angry and accused her of cheating. She felt so guilty and wanted to make it up to me. EVERYBODY told me not to tell her about the bj, but I did. I felt like I needed to be completely honest. And boy, did that ever destroy everything. She basically went from apologizing about all the texts to hating my guts. This was 4 months ago, and since then we have tried working it out, but ultimately she dumped me last night. She is moving all of her stuff out of the house this weekend.

I'm sorry to invade your post, mirror89, but I thought maybe you can learn from my mistake. Do not give in. I know that you will never know what happened between her and that other dude, but if you love her, you have to trust her. Even if your feeling vulnerable and angry, do not do anything else to further jeopradize the relationship.

Good luck with your situation.

Only thing you can really do is ask yourself how much you love and care for this girl? If you love her as much as you say you do, you will have to trust and believe her. Even if your mind argues with you.

She has to be more open with you too. You have to express to her that you still feel hurt and that she needs to stop being so guarded. My ex was like this. You have to get her to open up. If she doesn't, then you may be in for more of this to come unfortunately.

For a happy, trusting honest relationship, BOTH of you have to be open as a book!

Mirrorman here again...
Just wanted to update...

So I bought a house and everything, for the both of us... she got a pretty good job and was happy with it.
She started talking to a guy that she worked with.. he'd text her all the time and stuff.. and she for some reason always "had to" erase all the messages on her phone. Well one day she didn't erase them and I saw they were "sexting" I guess? They were talking about how they dreamt of each other and and he said he loved her lips and she replies "Which ones". And he said come outside and kiss me. All that bs...

I confronted her about it nice and calmly.. thought of this post actually because of the bad responses for my reaction last time this happened... so she says oh nothing ever happened I just like messing with his head and he's dating this new girl at their workplace.. so she hates this new girl I'm guessing because she stole her man? I don't know but I blew it off and let it go and after a couple weeks she got fed up with that other girl and ended up quitting. So no more of that guy. But what? She is really messin with my head.. if we break up though I will have nothing. All our appliances are borrowed from her family. She bought 90% of our furniture and stuff in the house. I have no money saved to get all of that stuff right now. If I dump her I will be left with no bed or anything just a couch and some clothes the rest is hers.. a whole housefull of stuff. Since she quit her job she's been saying she's "bored" a lot lately and we all know where that'll probably lead to. So... stay with her and maybe have one of those ridiculous relationships / always have me wondering what she's doing? Dump her and be tore up for a long time (nobody will want to date someone going to a completely empty house.. ) And being in a new place I have no friends around here my closest friends are 8 hours away. I owe way more than I can sell the house for in its current condition so that is no option at the moment.

Also I just wanted to say thank you all for everything you have suggested/stated

If you are afraid to dump this girl because you are broke and will be left with no furniture you have a huge personal problem. She would have her 30 day notice the day she quit her job over B****S****!!

Is her name on the mortgage?

" i mean i am only 13 years old but i mean ive had this happen to me before so i am quite good with things like this ..."

How many people have you lived with that you think might have cheated on you?

You have some serious insecurities going on, that, as has been said, will ruin your chances of a healthy relationship with anybody.

You are highly suspicious of your girlfriend, yet, she has done nothing wrong. It is quite common for women to have male friends. You thinking that she should not- because you don't have female friends- is a control issue.

You expect her to prove she is innocent- innocent of what exactly? You take a phone call and turn it into first degree murder- that you cannot manage yourself- tossing her out- and deal with a 'potential' problem, shows some serious anger issues.

And where do you fit into all this. Your work has been, your number one priority, and you think that she has some nerve to be lonely enough to want company. Further you point to all that your money does for her- as that should be proof that she should be happy. What's her problem right?

That speaks to immaturity- on your part.

That you didn't see anything wrong, until you happened upon her cell phone and snooped to see who it was, and jumped to all kinds of conclusions speaks to what you are capable of, as far as jealousy.

Mature, loving couples, do not do what you did. Anger is perfectly logical as an initial reaction to thinking you have enough proof to show that she's been cheating on you. Anger usually masks fear.

You start a relationship with trust, and I don't think you trust anybody. You don't seem to be able to see that your actions and behaviour are having the opposite effect on any sort of meaningful communication with her.

Thus the major controlling issues to make yourself feel that you are once again, in control of her, and her life. And her friends, and her activities. She should expect that you have a 'right' to question everything, in order to make yourself feel secure again.

I think there is much more to this, and you could use some serious counselling. You've had the same issues before with a previous relationship, and somehow that makes you an expert in knowing you are right. Why does history repeat itself with you.

I wish that your girlfriend would stay away, and find a man who truly is a man, and shows respect, and is able to work through problems without seeing a woman as some sort of possession, and learn that not all women are impressed with money, and besides money- what do you bring to the table to make your relationship successful.

Personally I think you're a jerk. I hope that the next time you fly off the handle, lose your temper to a major degree, and toss a woman out on the street, the woman in question will be strong enough to stay away.

She is sex-ting with someone on her old job and you are worried about and empty house? I'd say you guys are done. Give her 30 days to find someplace else to live.