Ask Me Help Desk - Fiance's sexual drive is gone, but I still need attention

I love my fiancé with everything that I am. Before we met, he had a heart condition which is well under control now. In the beginning of our relationship we had a very healthy sex life. Within the past year, however, he started having trouble getting an erection. I didn't mind, but it embarrassed him no matter how much I tried to reassure him. He was recently diagnosed with diabetes and his doctor said that is probably the underlying cause for his erectile dysfunction. Because of his heart health history Viagra and other drugs are potentially dangerous for him. We're both sad to say goodbye to that part of our sex life, but his health is more important. I realize he and I may never have intercourse again, and I'm okay with that. Our relationship and our beautiful life together is more important to me than sex.

But I still feel the need for some physical attention from him. He kisses me and have no doubt about how much he loves me. I'm a lucky girl and I know it. But unless I ask him to, he never touches me sexually anymore. And when I ask him to, he seems put out by it and even a little pissed off. When we've talked about it, he says he just doesn't see the point since he's not going to be able to follow through. The point is, his touch makes me feel sexy and makes me feel pleasure. And even if he can't get an erection, I can still make him feel good, too.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can convince him that sex and affection isn't all about the erection? We can enjoy each others bodies and make love without that as far as I'm concerned.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MMcD72

I love my fiance with everything that I am. Before we met, he had a heart condition which is well under control now. In the beginning of our relationship we had a very healthy sex life. Within the past year, however, he started having trouble getting an erection. I didn't mind, but it embarrassed him no matter how much I tried to reassure him. He was recently diagnosed with diabetes and his doctor said that is probably the underlying cause for his erectile dysfunction. Because of his heart health history Viagra and other drugs are potentially dangerous for him. We're both sad to say goodbye to that part of our sex life, but his health is more important. I realize he and I may never have intercourse again, and I'm okay with that. Our relationship and our beautiful life together is more important to me than sex.

But I still feel the need for some physical attention from him. He kisses me and have no doubt about how much he loves me. I'm a lucky girl and I know it. But unless I ask him to, he never touches me sexually anymore. And when I ask him to, he seems put out by it and even a little pissed off. When we've talked about it, he says he just doesn't see the point since he's not going to be able to follow through. The point is, his touch makes me feel sexy and makes me feel pleasure. And even if he can't get an erection, I can still make him feel good, too.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can convince him that sex and affection isn't all about the erection? We can enjoy each others bodies and make love without that as far as I'm concerned.

I'm the widow of a diabetic who had a cardiac condition.

He undoubtedly has very mixed emotions about sex, intimacy, performance.

Talk to him. Talk to him and his Doctor. Reassure him. Communicate. I don't know what you mean by " I can still make him feel good, too."

Does he have neuropathy?

I agree he may definitely have mixed emotions about intimacy now. While you may have said "goodbye" to this part of your relationship, he might not have made peace with the absence of sexuality or his inability to perform -- no matter what he says externally to you, or to his doctors, there's doubtlessly a lot of stuff floating around in his heart and mind.

Getting sexy with you might represent all those things he cannot do, his impotency as a man or is even afraid of (what if I have a heart problem? What if I die?)... his dismissive attitude (even verging on "pissy") represents those conflicting feelings.

Communicating that sexuality isn't about the deed itself but closeness and that you still want and value his sexual attention even if his penis can't be part of the picture right now, is important. Letting him know that you're satisfied with what you can do, and just being with him because you love him may help pave the way. That said, be willing to listen to him and his side of things too. A therapist/couples therapist can help you figure out how to safely navigate both your needs while also respecting his physical limitations.

There are lots of things you can do together and even ways that he may still have sexual satisfaction (orgasm without erection is possible, for example) and there are non stimulant treatments for ED such as blood retention devices (rings) and pumps. Always talk to your doctor though, to make sure that sexual intercourse or play is safe for him.

Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

There are lots of things you can do together and even ways that he may still have sexual satisfaction (orgasm without erection is possible, for example) and there are non stimulant treatments for ED such as blood retention devices (rings) and pumps. Always talk to your doctor though, to make sure that sexual intercourse or play is safe for him.

Good luck!

I don't know if you are speaking from experience.

At this point discussing orgasm without erection (which is why I asked about neuropathy), blood retention devices (again, he's a diabetic with all the complications that come with that) and pumps are NOT going to make "him" any more comfortable with the situation. That was my experience, both married to a diabetic and attending the various diabetes training classes and seminars.

He has to come to terms with the situation first. I don't believe in this case the "boyfriend" has.

Diabetes doesn't just begin and end with high and low blood sugar. There are all sorts of complications.

I think this situation is something that plays out if two people love each other and have an understanding. I wouldn't push anything right now.

I agree with Judy. Don't push it. Trying to 'convince' him may seem like pressure to him right now.

You don't seem to be listening to him and are caught up in what you want. He was already embarrassed about his erectile dysfunction. Now he has recently been told it isn't going to get better and he can't use the most common ways to 'fix' the issue. It is going to take him time to change his way of thinking about intimacy and 'sex'. It isn't going to happen over-night.

While it may feel good to get his attention, it should enhance how you already feel about yourself. If you think you are sexy, then you are. Feel good about yourself and encourage him to feel good about himself. Show him affection and intimacy that doesn't include sexual contact. Learn to adapt to this new stage in your relationship and build from here.

Give him time to begin thinking in terms of 'what we can do' instead of 'what I can't do.' This is something he is going to have to change on his own (counseling might help.) Trying to convince him when he isn't ready will cause more issues. You are already seeing some of the backlash.

Be patient and good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I don't know if you are speaking from experience.

At this point discussing orgasm without erection (which is why I asked about neuropathy), blood retention devices (again, he's a diabetic with all the complications that come with that) and pumps are NOT going to make "him" any more comfortable with the situation. That was my experience, both married to a diabetic and attending the various diabetes training classes and seminars.

He has to come to terms with the situation first. I don't believe in this case the "boyfriend" has.

Diabetes doesn't just begin and end with high and low blood sugar. There are all sorts of complications.

I think this situation is something that plays out if two people love each other and have an understanding. I wouldn't push anything right now.

To clarify my post... the OP must gain some understanding into hubby's complicated feelings about his sexuality FIRST (as I said in my post) and really listen to his point of view, his needs/feelings about the topic due to his serious health concerns.

That said, there is nothing wrong with communicating her sexual/intimacy needs and there is a lot they can do without penetration/vaginal sex! But first, she must understand how he feels about being sexual. He may not want to explore alternatives to vaginal sex because there's a lot of emotional hurdles to face when a man loses some or all of his sexual function. The best advice is to take things slow and do a lot of communication.

And yes, men absolutely CAN have orgasms and sexual functionality with heart disease, diabetes or neuropathy which impacts erectile function. Vacuum constriction devices are often used safely on patients who are diabetic or can't take impotency drugs safely due to other conditions - and sometimes injectible drugs can be used. (But this is up to hubby to explore in his OWN way, on his own time, with his physician to see what's safe and appropriate for him as some devices are not safe and he may not be healthy enough for sex)

The point is... he may not have to give up on his ability to have some amount of erotic pleasure and treatments may be available in the future... but he absolutely must come to terms with his physical limitations and changes and may need the help of his physician or therapist to do so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

The point is.... he may not have to give up on his ability to have some amount of erotic pleasure and treatments may be available in the future... but he absolutely must come to terms with his physical limitations and changes and may need the help of his physician or therapist to do so.

We are all saying the same thing - I am saying that pushing the fiancé is not a good idea. He will have to come to terms with his sexual performance in his own time.

I never said apparatuses and medications don't work. I did say it varies from patient to patient.

I think the worst thing the OP can do at this point is dwell on this aspect of their relationship. Eventually there comes a time when both parties are comfortable - I just don't think it's now.