I remember being 7 and looking at some dirty magazines of women touching themselves, each other, and touching men. I remember being aroused looking at these pictures. My sister looked at them with me. One morning, I remember waking up and turning over to her and touching her crotch. I then put my hand inside her panties and continued. I probably did it for about 1-2 minutes. She laid silently as I did it. She didn't respond to what I did. I got bored and turned over and went back to sleep. I was 7 she was 6. I never did it again.

I remember seeing something on TV on some program about not letting people touch your private areas. She may have been watching it too. I then knew that what I was doing was wrong and never did it again. It was just that one time. I think that she saw the world differently after the incident. She never acted coldly toward me until she had a daughter a few years ago. I must mention that I have been married for 12 years to a wonderful man and have a 10 year old son whom I love to pieces. I would never think about doing that to any child. I have babysat other relatives with her when I was a teen and I never did anything to them and every last one of them loves me.

Getting back to the subject, when I noticed her acting cold I didn't know why. I just thought she was being silly and ignored it. One day I asked my mother what her problem was and she told me that she told her that she was upset about something that happened a long time ago and she didn't want to discuss it. I have to say that I had a cousin who touched me inappropriately that same summer. I remember it but it's not something that I would hold against him. He was 11 I was 9. I feel that he was a dumb kid who didn't realize what he was doing. I would never bring it up because I know that he is not a molester. He is now married too. What would be the point in bringing it up?

As I got older I got some common sense. I would never think about doing that to any child. I abhor child molesters. However, I realize that my sister is not me and I didn't know she had an issue with me until my mother told me. We had been pretty close growing up. We have gone places together and have had many laughs. I don't have a number to reach her and don't even know her address. She is very vengeful and I would never write a letter anyway, for fear that she would show it to other people. I have a feeling that my mother knows but she just won't say it to me. I asked for her number so that I could talk to her, but she told me that she didn't think it was a good idea because she is just so silly. I think that she is a vindictive and vengeful person because of what happened all those years ago. I am so sorry for what I did. If I could just talk to her and tell her that I'm sorry and I want to do whatever I can to make it right I will.

Also, one more note. She would touch my breast when I was 9. I remember telling her to stop on two occasions. One time I hit her on the arm and told her not to do it again. By then I knew better, and I thought she did too. When I get a chance to give my apology I won't bring that up. I just want the opportunity to ask for forgiveness. Even if she doesn't accept my apology I'll know that I've done everything I knew to do.

Well I think it's good that you are sorry for doing that, little kids don't really know what they are doing sometimes. I'm probably betting you weren't even allowed to watch that stuff! But anyway you can just decide if you'd like to ignore it and leave it behind you or just let it haunt you for the rest of your life! If you'd like you can see a therapist about it but otherwise it's just your choice!

In my opinion we have swung too far in direction of molestation. What used to be passed off as natural curiosity is now demonized.

You need to ask your mother to be an intermediary here. Tell mom you think you know what your sister is talking about and you want to clear the air with her. Maybe do so with a professional as mediator.

I am fine. I know that I was a stupid kid. I know that I didn't know what I was doing. I wish that she could let it go. I feel bad that my sister is haunted by it. She blames everything that has gone bad in her life on me. She blames me for her two failed marriages. She blames me that her husband took one of her children to another state because "I didn't love her enough to help stop him." I couldn't stop him. That was his kid too and there was no court order. I wish that she had more peace. I guess she's forgotten stuff she did to me. But I don't linger on it. I let it go cause I know she was stupid too and wouldn't dream of doing that to a kid.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

In my opinion we have swung too far in direction of molestation. What used to be passed off as natural curiosity is now demonized.

You need to ask your mother to be an intermediary here. Tell mom you think you know what your sister is talking about and you want to clear the air with her. Maybe do so with a professional as mediator.

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I have told mom that I want to work things out with her but she tells me to leave her alone cause she's silly. I have no choice cause I don't know how to contact her or where she lives. Everything would have to be done through mom. She just wants her left alone. I would just like to talk to my sister to let her know that I was wrong. I wouldn't even bring up the touching touching she did to me. Like I said, when I was 9 I put a stop to it and would hit her when she would try it. I guess she forgot about that part. Oh well. Just as long as I know I did everything I could to ask for forgiveness.

You know, I believe you that you were just curious. I am with Scott here, his view on molestation/curiosity.

What you have to do is stop beating yourself up over something you did so long ago. You are not even sure that this is the reason your sister is acting this way. From what you say, it could be anything really... how could you possibly know? You can't unless she tells you.

If you can clear it up with her and that will make you feel better, more power to you. Like I said though, don't keep beating yourself up over this. What you did (if it did in fact happen as you say) was not with malicious intent... you didn't mean to hurt her, you were a curious child.

If you don't have her number and such, I assume you don't see her all that often. Let it go and continue with your life if she is unwilling to let you talk to her.

Good luck.

I babysit a 7 year old boy who sees things on TV and hears things from other kids that he re-enacts. He is always asking questions and/or saying something, doing something inappropriate. While he often knows he's doing something naughty, he is little enough that he has no concept of how inappropriate some things are. Most of the time I just tell him its not nice and we move on. Usually he just giggles and keeps playing legos. My point is that he is curious and exposed to so much material that he often doesn't even come up with the words/deeds himself and can hardly be blamed for them, let alone the consequences of trying to act them out.

What you did to your sister was traumatic I'm sure, but as an adult now she really needs to get past it. In order for that to happen, you will probably have to force her to talk to you, but honestly, for her to be offended by this one time incident from childhood, is surprising.

Thank you. This helps a lot. It is very hard to talk to her. She is very unforgiving about a lot of things. She blames a lot of her problems on everybody. However, I do know that what I did was wrong and I would like to have a chance to talk to her, but I'm never given the opportunity. I don't know her number, don't know where she lives. Mom won't tell me anything. She talks about me behind my back and all I've ever heard is that she's upset about something I did to her a long time ago. It's frustrating. I would give anything just to be able to talk to her personally and apologize.

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Originally Posted by backpack2389

I babysit a 7 year old boy who sees things on tv and hears things from other kids that he re-enacts. He is always asking questions and/or saying something, doing something inappropriate. While he often knows he's doing something naughty, he is little enough that he has no concept of how inappropriate some things are. Most of the time I just tell him its not nice and we move on. Usually he just giggles and keeps playing legos. My point is that he is curious and exposed to so much material that he often doesn't even come up with the words/deeds himself and can hardly be blamed for them, let alone the consequences of trying to act them out.

What you did to your sister was traumatic I'm sure, but as an adult now she really needs to get past it. In order for that to happen, you will probably have to force her to talk to you, but honestly, for her to be offended by this one time incident from childhood, is suprising.

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I agree with Odinn7. You're not even sure that this "incident" is what is causing this cold shoulder. You can't beat yourself up over assumptions.

Live your life, not hers. When the time is right, you'll cross pathes and handle it then. Until then, move on. Be happy!

I'm going to respond from the perspective of someone that was molested as a child, by someone else that was also legally a child, though older than me.

I've had therapy, I've accepted what happened, but truthfully, I'll never be over it.

I agree that you were just curious, didn't know that what you were doing would have a lasting effect on your sister. That's little comfort to your sister though. It's the same as saying "I was playing with matches, I didn't know better, I burned my sister, now she's scarred for life, why can't she get over it", or "I was playing with dads gun, I didn't know any better, I was curious, shot my sister, put her in a wheelchair. Why can't she get over it"?

It's hard for people who haven't been molested to understand why those that are have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting. What you did, even though it may have been childhood curiosity, scarred your sister for life. You can't just expect her to get over it because you didn't mean it.

As much as this may hurt, I think you should balance your need to talk and resolve things with her being so adamently against any contact with you. I think you reach out to her through your mom with cards that wish her well and let her know you want her in your life, with nothing personal in them, as from what you have written, this is beyond just childhood curiosity, but rooted deeper in adult resentment.

She won't relieve your guilt, so do it YOURSELF, and pray she takes positive steps to relieve her own anger, and resentments. Listen to your mom on this one, she knows you both, and I think she is telling you to let it go, and don't push it for now.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

As much as this may hurt, I think you should balance your need to talk and resolve things with her being so adamently against any contact with you. I think you reach out to her thru your mom with cards that wish her well and let her know you want her in your life, with nothing personal in them, as from what you have written, this is beyond just childhood curiosity, but rooted deeper in adult resentment.

She won't relieve your guilt, so do it YOURSELF, and pray she takes positive steps to relieve her own anger, and resentments. Listen to your mom on this one, she knows you both, and I think she is telling you to let it go, and don't push it for now.

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Wish I could agree twice. Very well said.

One thing I've learned, I can't live my life hating the person that changed it for the worse, I have to live each day on my terms, and make the best of the cards I've been dealt. Doesn't mean I'll forgive the person that molested me, or have a relationship with that person, I never will. But, how I live my life is no longer that persons fault. It's up to me how I continue from here on out.

So, to the OP, forgive yourself, don't expect your sister to. Don't live your life feeling guilt for something you can't change. If she doesn't want you in her life, that's her right. But stop pushing her to forgive and forget. You have to forgive yourself for this, and forget it. What she does is up to her, and only her.

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Originally Posted by dancer99

She talks about me behind my back and all I've ever heard is that she's upset about something I did to her a long time ago.

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And it may not be what you think it is. I was sure I knew what my younger brother held against me from our childhood, and was shocked to finally find out what it was. It definitely wasn't what I had thought, but was something so inconsequential that I had totally forgotten about it--but it was important to him..

I accept that she may have a tough dealing with it, even now. However, I was molested. It was a cousin who I was left alone with. He was 3 years older than I was. I have a very close extended family and we get together for many holidays and just-because-days. I accept that he was young and stupid. I was young and stupid for allowing him to do it. I don't have any ill will toward him. I let it go. He's married with children and from what I can tell, a productive member of society. I don't take the approach that she just get over it because I was able to. She has also touched me too. When I knew better I would tell her to stop and I hit her on two occasions to get my point across. She has a habit of talking about what people have done to hurt her or piss her off, but forgets the things that she's done. I will take the advice of the people who have told me to just move on and be happy.

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Originally Posted by Alty

I'm gonna respond from the perspective of someone that was molested as a child, by someone else that was also legally a child, though older than me.

I've had therapy, I've accepted what happened, but truthfully, I'll never be over it.

I agree that you were just curious, didn't know that what you were doing would have a lasting effect on your sister. That's little comfort to your sister though. It's the same as saying "I was playing with matches, I didn't know better, I burned my sister, now she's scarred for life, why can't she get over it", or "I was playing with dads gun, I didn't know any better, I was curious, shot my sister, put her in a wheelchair. Why can't she get over it"?

It's hard for people who haven't been molested to understand why those that are have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting. What you did, even though it may have been childhood curiosity, scarred your sister for life. You can't just expect her to get over it because you didn't mean it.

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Originally Posted by dancer99

I accept that she may have a tough dealing with it, even now. However, I was molested. It was a cousin who I was left alone with. He was 3 years older than I was. I have a very close extended family and we get together for many holidays and just-because-days. I accept that he was young and stupid. I was young and stupid for allowing him to do it. I don't have any ill will toward him. I let it go. He's married with children and from what I can tell, a productive member of society. I don't take the approach that she just get over it because I was able to. She has also touched me too. When I knew better I would tell her to stop and I hit her on two occasions to get my point across. She has a habit of talking about what people have done to hurt her or piss her off, but forgets the things that she's done. I will take the advice of the people who have told me to just move on and be happy.

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You've stopped the cycle, you've forgiven the one that molested you, and you can do nothing more for your sister. That's the long and short of it.

For me it wasn't a quick thing, or a one time deal. I was 5 when it started, and over 10 when it ended. She was a teenager when she started molesting me. A young teen, but a teen nonetheless.

I wish I could say that she changed for the better, but she hasn't. She's been in sexual relationships with other cousins of ours, and with her brothers wife. Yes, she. I was molested by a female, and I'm female myself. Talk about adding confusion to the mix.

So, to say that my view on all this may be a bit jaded is an understatement. I am extremely jaded about child molestation.

Having said that, I can say that you need to forgive yourself, and her, and move on. I don't forgive this sort of thing easily, in fact, I never have before, but I do forgive you. Now you have to forgive yourself.

I think what happened when you were just kids... was just kids stuff,however more to the point is the fact that your sister blames all her failures in life on you.

Whilst molestation is always wrong in every sense of the word, society today leans very easily that way.

Your issue is, in my opinion... simply curiosity nothing more.You have said that you enjoyed many times together growing up,always laughing etc... right into adulthood getting married and having your own family,so no I think this issue when you were kids( that's if you are correct) is just a scape goat ,some one to blame for her mistakes in life.You were the closest person to her being sisters,she can see that you have succeeded with the man you love , your daughter and that you are all very happy together, where as she has failed not once but twice,disparately trying to have what you have.

I believe there is an element of envy, also jealousy toward you which your sister is using to feed her anger... however her reason will be that incident all those years ago... when you were just kids.

There is no reason why your sister could not be part of all the family,however if that is not possible right now,then I think you must live your life normally,maybe invite her along to family functions,that way you have given her an opening,it's up to her if she attends or not.

I hate what happened to you. I don't fault anyone for not being able to get past something that was traumatic to them. I know it can be very hard to forgive something that someone has done to you that hurt deeply. Everyone has different personalities. I am a very outgoing person. I often turn negative experiences into a positive. Even though I forgive my cousin for what he did to me the memory of what transpired between us is still there. But, because I have forgiven him I act as though it never happened and have no problem doing that. I don't act funny around him and am happy to see him. I know he is not the same person as he was over 30 years ago. However, my past experiences, because I do remember them, have caused me to keep a watchful eye on my own children when they were little. I had many talks with them about their bodies and the changes that they would go through. I have talked to them about right and wrong about many situations, not just molestation. When they were little I would always warn them to keep their hands to themselves and respect other people's personal space. I think that was part of my problem. No one talked to me. I found out that this was a very bad thing to do from watching a show on TV about child molestation when I was 8.

As a mother, my past experiences have made me aware of the stupid things children can get themselves into. And anyone that reads my words I encourage them to talk to your children and keep a watchful eye on them. I encourage you to be careful about the stuff you let your kids watch on TV and play on video games. Most of that stuff is filth and children will mimic it.

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Originally Posted by Alty

You've stopped the cycle, you've forgiven the one that molested you, and you can do nothing more for your sister. That's the long and short of it.

For me it wasn't a quick thing, or a one time deal. I was 5 when it started, and over 10 when it ended. She was a teenager when she started molesting me. A young teen, but a teen nonetheless.

I wish I could say that she changed for the better, but she hasn't. She's been in sexual relationships with other cousins of ours, and with her brothers wife. Yes, she. I was molested by a female, and I'm female myself. Talk about adding confusion to the mix.

So, to say that my view on all this may be a bit jaded is an understatement. I am extremely jaded about child molestation.

Having said that, I can say that you need to forgive yourself, and her, and move on. I don't forgive this sort of thing easily, in fact, I never have before, but I do forgive you. Now you have to forgive yourself.

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To set your perspective straight and alleviate your guilty conscience, I recommend that you (and perhaps later on, your sister too) to read into the normal childhood sexual development and the psychology of preadolescent children-- you'll understand that children age 6 and 7 often engage in sexual play with one another (not knowing any better, and not understanding taboos!) and that it is not necessarily the act of "molestation" or willful sexual aggression. Children even older often engage in touch that is considered socially inappropriate. Many of our earliest sexual development is seated in family and, if you believe Freud, we are all operating under some level of incestuous guilt/experience.

Talk to a therapist, check out some books on this topic. It will make you feel better so that you can let go of the beliefs you have about yourself and help you understand the experiences you had as a child with sister and cousin. Unfortunately, you can't be in charge of whether your sister does the same. Follow your mom's advice, for now, to give her space.

I too believe that her resentments and issues are not all tied to this one specific issue no matter how much she may be projecting her unhappiness into this topc... her avoidance of responsibility for her own emotions (deflecting or blaming others) has roots in other issues and is not your homework to figure out or solve for her. Rest assured this is not an issue for YOU to fix and it can give you freedom to move on emotionally -- be a good parent and hopefully one day to reunite with your sister or help her get the right information.

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Originally Posted by WisperWill70

no matter how much she may be projecting her unhappiness into this topic...

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And we're don't know that's the case with her. As I said earlier, it may be something the OP has forgotten about or never even considered.