My daughter, sexually abused, has a love/hate relationsip with me
Hello
My daughter, now in her mid 20's, was sexually abused by a family friend when she was very young, and she and her brother used to stay with them and play with their children.
I have given my daughter all the love and support I can.
My trouble is that the wife of this man knew of the abuse, so my daughter's faith in females and males was eroded at the time when this abuse happened. Mainly, her faith in her mother, for not protecting her.
She has actively and vocally expressed her hatred toward me from a very young age, when she used to write 'i hate you' a hundred times and glaringly present the piece of paper to me. That was before we found out why she was sick (very ill physically and somewhat mentally... sleep disorders etc).
Now she is in her mid 20's and she loves me and hates me still.
It has been very hard for me to advise her or help her at all because of mistrust.
She has had some brief counselling that she sought herself, and had counselling in childhood but sadly the therapist was not competent and only served to make my daughter feel shame by telling her that this was her business, that she didn't have to tell her mother or anybody else anything about it . (this was at 10 years old, and my daughter later told me that that was when she stopped talking to me. she had been trusting enough before then to tell me of the abuse and had trust that i would believe her.) paradoxically, she has trusted me enough through the years to tell me intimate details about all kinds of things that happen in her life.. probably more than a mother should know, really.
I had the help of a counsellor for years to learn the best way to handle my daughter's behaviour for her sake and for the sake of the rest of our family because my daughter refused counselling. My girl seemed to loose her centre with this abuse, and her ability to tell right from wrong. She hated herself and so hated the world and everyone in it.
It got better over the last few years, and she was able to complete her education and get a job. This was due to a determined effort from her but also from me. But work only lasted 8 months before she dropped her bundle again and fell out of control, and then into a comfortable disability. She has become a victim, and seems comfortable there.
My problem now is that she seems to go in cycles that build in anger and accompanying behaviors - lying, attention seeking by negative behaviour, manipulating, fighting physically, purposefully hurting people with her words, feigning illnesses and accusing people (who have tried to help for many years) of doing things to hurt her. She calls me over and over about her problems, and about illnesses she has - she has no diagnosis, treatment or prognosis but they are serious illnesses she talks about. what she wants from me is sympathy. She tells me outright.
Her need of my continual sympathy now.. I am tired. I also don't think it's good for her to be treated as if she is a victim. I have always been told by counsellors to keep to my expectations, no matter what the circumstances... honesty, working for a living etc
She feels alone, I know. When she was a teenager she used to talk about 'trying on different personalities' when changing her clothes over and over, before we would go to family gatherings... it broke my heart. She has cheated, manipulated, been vindictive, lied and stolen from her family along the way, and I know she hates that too. She often seems to lack a conscience, but on the other hand, at times I have seen her sob uncontrollably about what she does. Then it goes away and she turns to using people to get what she wants in life(emotionally or materially), regardless of the people or their feelings.
When I don't give her the sympathy she craves, but ask questions or give suggestions that she might use to help the situation, my daughter becomes very abusive.
She basically has no faith in my judgement and no trust in me because she has never been able to feel that trust and has never had faith in anybody. And she only wants me to be what she has in her head as 'an ideal mother'... and that mother gives sympathy regardless of the situation if her daughter calls 'needing' it. She is jealous of her brothers' and even of her cousins' relationship with her mother.
This is a love/ hate relationship she has with an idealised form of me that she holds in her mind. She gets angry when I am not that person.
I just don't know what to do. I am tired of being abused and find myself at the stage where I text her and write to her with news and light conversation, but don't answer her calls or or call her at the moment, because I know I will 'say the wrong thing' and the result will be yelling and accusations.
She won't seek help until she decides herself that she needs it.
Help! Confused.
