Ask Me Help Desk - Going Crazy...

I am trying so hard not to think about the distance me and my girlfriend have right now temporarily.

She is out of state at a dig site right now due to her college career. They drive out in the state's vans & go set up a tent out in the middle of nowhere and then search for fossils for a month. They are out in the middle of a blazing hot desert with no cell phone reception, no internet signal, no post office, nothing nada.

All I know is she is supposed to be going to a nearby town in the weekend to clean up and do shopping, which is probably going to be the only time I will be able to hear from her. It totally sucks.

While I do have a career in transportation, which has me not always home some nights, I do make every point to contact my girlfriend of 2 1/4 years at least a few times a day be it through texts, calling, skypeing, etc. However, where she is at there is NO reception or signal of any kind and she is going to be away for a month.

I have to say this is the longest she has ever been away in our relationship thus far and I can't emphasize enough how frustrating it is not to be able to contact one another. I'm sure she feels the same but then again I don't know what she feels as it looks to be our time to talk will only be on the weekend or perhaps it won't even happen until she gets back.

But, right now I am on day 4 of 30 and am already going crazy with no texts since Day 1. She said she would try texting me Tuesday (on day 1 when she was driving out) but it never happened. This lack of not really being able to stay in touch while she is out of state is turning out to be very hard for me.

I am doing my best to keep busy but that is easier said than done. Right now I don't have a car due to paying off some debt and that was hindering me from doing that. So going the places I would like to go are out of the question. I don't have that many friends (they're out of state and have moved on in their lives) due to the fact of being too embarrassed and/or a burden to them for not having a car at the age of 26. :\ Doesn't seem right for a guy not to have a car at that age. I could go walking but most of the time that is what me and my girlfriend did a lot of together so it just makes me sadder because it brings her back into my mind. I have tried reading a book, busying myself by playing my piano, doing stuff for myself, etc... but at the end of the day my mind goes back into, "Another day of NOTHING from her." Excuse is, no cell-phone reception (which is SOOOOOOOO frustrating)

I feel really weak that I cannot sit here and be strong for my girl. I'm a guy I shouldn't be so anxious and weak like this. I mean, I want to be the guy that is supportive of my girlfriend's career but she knows when she goes in the field that there is such limited contact (this isn't her 1st time). Why she is okay with this is beyond me. I'm left to sit here and assume the single life pretty much. I would be fine if I could hear from her at least once a day but no contact is almost like not even having a relationship.

I am desperate for any advice/suggestions/encouragement you can give to help me through this temporary frustrating period of my relationship.

Did you want the harsh simple version,or the sugar coated sympathetic one?

Here is the harsh one,

Only a sad sack sits on the pity pot and feels sorry for himself because his girl is on a field trip for her education, and future career. Is it her fault you have no friends or family to party with or no hobbies to distract you? (Write a song on the piano.).

I mean not having a car is no disgrace, but not walking IS!! Catch a bus. Be an adult and find something you like for the next 26 days. Can't you stand on your own two feet for a few weeks?

Here is the sugar coated sympathetic on.

Aw guy, I feel your pain, but maybe it's a perfect opportunity to find things to do that you enjoy as boredom makes the time go by so slow. Its not easy being without our love, and waiting for a word,call, or text IS very frustrating.

But there has to be something to do, and anybody is better than nobody. Or ask the boss for extra hours until the lady gets back. Hell answer some questions on this site, there are a whole lot of forums to explore.

Think of something!

Use them both if you have to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Did you want the harsh simple version,or the sugar coated sympathetic one?

Here is the harsh one,

Only a sad sack sits on the pity pot and feels sorry for himself because his girl is on a field trip for her education, and future career. Is it her fault you have no friends or family to party with or no hobbies to distract you? (Write a song on the piano.).

I mean not having a car is no disgrace, but not walking IS!!! Catch a bus. Be an adult and find something you like for the next 26 days. Can't you stand on your own two feet for a few weeks??

Here is the sugar coated sympathetic on.

Aw guy, I feel your pain, but maybe its a perfect opportunity to find things to do that you enjoy as boredom makes the time go by so slow. Its not easy being without our love, and waiting for a word,call, or text IS very frustrating.

But there has to be something to do, and anybody is better than nobody. Or ask the boss for extra hours until the lady gets back. Hell answer some questions on this site, there are a whole lot of forums to explore.

Think of something!

Use them both if you have to.

Thank you, sometimes a good kick in the @$$ is all you need to wake up. It's not to say I'm not doing anything. I mean sure I take walks, ride the bus, go to the movies, etc... It just feels different doing that stuff without my girlfriend. We always loved walking down to the movies, restaurants, shopping, riding the bus to the beach, parks, etc... So yeah in doing those types of activities it still makes me think of her but as the days go by it seems to be getting easier.

I'm scared though that I'll like doing so many things without her and putting her out of mind will lead to me not needing her in my life anymore. :\ Partly because of the crap she used to pull when I would like to have a day for myself. If you were to ask me when she was in town and not doing anything there wouldn't be one day we could go without some form of contact or reassurance needed. I started growing accustomed to this type of contact and perhaps changed my ways to 'comfort' her. In the process, I feel I have lost my own identity because I thought/felt it was a necessary sacrifice in relationships to stay in touch. If that makes any sense.
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Here's more of a background:

Talaniman, I was the guy that used to have different priorities in my life. I loved playing games on my computer, watching sports, working out, going to college, working and enjoying life. Over the period of meeting my girlfriend, I felt guilty for having played my games, watching sports, and not making her a priority in my life. So what did I do? I made a huge shift, which was quite hard for me at first, but in the end I was able to spend a lot of memorable/quality moments with my girlfriend. Of course, this made her happy.

In fact, I bought a cell-phone just because my girlfriend loved texting me so much and ran up my family's plan an extra $20. So I bought one for myself separately and we texted endlessly. This is what she liked and wanted. At first, it didn't really bother me that much. I didn't mind replying and fooling around. Hell she got me so accustomed to texting her so much that school started back up & there I was texting her again just the way she liked. Until, 2 hours later, yay no reply from my texts. This is where I realized I had some serious problems with myself & emotions. I was for the first time in my life worried about my girlfriend, I was anxious from not hearing from her, I just wanted to hear from her. More hours went by and she finally texted/called me and said she was busy. I was thinking in the back of my mind, "You're so busy that you can't take 10 seconds and reply like I had done for you so many times when I was busy?"

It was at this time I had a mind shift in my relationship with the idea of, If I can do it, then why can't you? This became the paradigm in our relationship for awhile. I wanted to get even! I wanted to show her what it felt like to not have someone reply to her texts. Of course, it never worked the way I wanted it to because she somehow was okay with it. What The.. She sure in heck wasn't okay with it over the summer. It's like I fell trap to her training during the summer & then when school started she wanted to play games with my emotions. Of course, we talked about it, argued about it, & reached some compromises.

It all comes down to. I have never in my life texted someone until I met her. Through her conditioning of how she liked to be texted during the summer, I assumed that's what she liked. So I gave it to her only to have me disappointed and frustrated with her by the end of the college semester.

If you read this far... thank you. Sometimes, I feel a background story can perhaps shed some light on where things went wrong for me or someone can spot them out for me.

This constant need for being in contact transitioned into Skype nights. We ALWAYS had to skype every night for a little bit. In the beginning it was crazy. She'd wait for me to finish playing my game (World of Warcraft) & then we'd chat till sometimes 1 or 2 in the morning. She didn't mind because she herself loved playing video games to and understood. I didn't mind because I loved talking to her. We always had so much to talk about it never got boring for a long time.

Months passed by and I finally gave up my WoW-Raiding nights to talk with her instead. Eventually, I gave up WoW entirely when I tried getting my girlfriend involved & she didn't really embrace it like I did. She didn't want to become addicted to it and was finding herself falling trap to it. I didn't like how I become when I was telling my girlfriend how to do things in the game & my girlfriend reacted slowly or pouty. So after that, I gave it up. Today, I am happy to say I am WoW free. This fact alone is why I am so grateful for my girlfriend's strength and encouragement to help me overcome my video game addiction.

My life changed after that, not only did I cut out WoW I cut back on all my games since video games were pretty addicting for me in the first place. I have her to thank and for that I will be forever grateful.

More months passed on and we could be seen online at 10PM-11:30P every night on Skype. Sometimes earlier. There was not one night we didn't skype or text. God forbid we didn't skype one night she'd get all pouty and sensitive. So to avoid all that crap I just skyped. Hell sometimes I was so dag nab tired but still did it.

Then she pulled the I'm sleepy crap and would soon sign off. Again, I was thinking in my head, "Are you kidding me?, I've been tired so many times but I never reacted that way to you." So, of course, we'd sign off and I would be so mad. Mad that I couldn't do the same crap to her. I always had to put up with her sensitive, crying, and pouty attitude the next day of me being compared to past experiences in her life.

So yeah to avoid all that drama I just zipped my lip. Something I learned was bad because it seemed every time I blew up was when she went away on a 1 week trip, 2 week trip, etc... And we'd have very limited contact with each other. It seemed like I loved blowing up on her upon her return home.

I've done this a few times to her now when she comes home from her trip. I don't want to do it this time. I want to be a better me & better guy towards her. Like I said, this is the longest she will be away for and I want to remain calm. I want to be there for her and support her. We have been through a lot of challenges together and have gotten through our problems/disagreements together. We have spent a lot of wonderful times together & giving that up is not something I want. I love her and most of what I wrote is more of a background into this anxiety I seem to have over No-Contact. We have done many wonderful things together that have been the most positive & best feelings in my life.

I only struggle when she goes away on her trips. When we're living our normal day-to-day lives we can get through it. Sure we text less, and we understand each other now when we don't want to skype, but we able to get through the day. Because of the simple fact we get to talk to each other.

I'm trying to figure out where in the hell did I change where I now need this constant reassurance of my partner's voice or texts? I didn't need it before her? So why do I need it now? That's where I'm baffled. :\

One more thing, in public, we are the couple you'd find always attached at the hip, hugging, holding hands, kissing, PDA, doing things together etc... We both love this and that's just the way we are.

I have been been married for 37 years, and well aware of the mind games that whether intentionally, or not that partners send each other through over the course of a relationship. It comes down to how we deal with ourselves and them, and learn to make adjustments when we realize the thinking we have is in error, or just wrong. Sometimes it us, sometimes its them.

Ultimately its how we mange ourselves to relate to our partners, granting them their flaws as we celebrate their love. It's a tricky balance and quite frankly many cannot do it, at least not for long.

I think its okay to be conflicted between our worries and needs for attention, and love as it's the opportunity to manage our own feelings, and see them for what they are, they are but passing indicators to the situation we are in at the time.

The greatest and hardest lesson I have learned is to never assume my partner has the same feelings at the times I do, and acknowledge and understand she has her own unique thinking and ways she act, and reacts to the situation SHE is in. Plain sucks when I want her to do one thing my way and she is busy with other things that are more important to her. Its easy to be angry and resentful when you bust your butt to please,and get no pleasure back.

Patients my friend, as maybe you will have to wait until she is less busy, and more focused on you again, once she has completed her task that consumes her now. Take solace in the fact she will be back to stroke your ego again soon, but for now you are on your own.

It's a challenge, nothing more, and after a great vent/rant, I have confidence you will get through this and be ready for the next chapter when she returns. Sometimes life, and reality throws these challenges at us, and we deal with them, with confidence, and don't let them rattle us, so we can weather the storms of life, and enjoy the calm sunny days that are sure to come.

You always just keep working through these challenges until it has been met and put behind you, and build on the experiences they have afforded you. In this way we grow and learn, not just about the reality of life, or our partners, but the knowledge of ourselves, and the path we take on this journey through life.

Take this challenge as an opportunity to be who you are, and learn who you are without her, so you can be a better you, and give a better more mature love to your partner, and get the same back.

You will, though its not easy. Just remember the only thing in life you can control is YOU, your thoughts, actions, and behavior, and your attitude. Always be grateful you have that love and enjoy it while you do, and don't play games with it... or yourself.

Challenges are temporary. Read my signature, and give it some thought.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I have been been married for 37 years, and well aware of the mind games that whether intentionally, or not that partners send each other thru over the course of a relationship. It comes down to how we deal with ourselves and them, and learn to make adjustments when we realize the thinking we have is in error, or just wrong. Sometimes it us, sometimes its them.

Ultimately its how we mange ourselves to relate to our partners, granting them their flaws as we celebrate their love. Its a tricky balance and quite frankly many cannot do it, at least not for long.

I think its okay to be conflicted between our worries and needs for attention, and love as its the opportunity to manage our own feelings, and see them for what they are, they are but passing indicators to the situation we are in at the time.

The greatest and hardest lesson I have learned is to never assume my partner has the same feelings at the times I do, and acknowledge and understand she has her own unique thinking and ways she act, and reacts to the situation SHE is in. Plain sucks when I want her to do one thing my way and she is busy with other things that are more important to her. Its easy to be angry and resentful when you bust your butt to please,and get no pleasure back.

Patients my friend, as maybe you will have to wait until she is less busy, and more focused on you again, once she has completed her task that consumes her now. Take solace in the fact she will be back to stroke your ego again soon, but for now you are on your own.

Its a challenge, nothing more, and after a great vent/rant, I have confidence you will get thru this and be ready for the next chapter when she returns. Sometimes life, and reality throws these challenges at us, and we deal with them, with confidence, and don't let them rattle us, so we can weather the storms of life, and enjoy the calm sunny days that are sure to come.

You always just keep working thru these challenges until it has been met and put behind you, and build on the experiences they have afforded you. In this way we grow and learn, not just about the reality of life, or our partners, but the knowledge of ourselves, and the path we take on this journey thru life.

Take this challenge as an opportunity to be who you are, and learn who you are without her, so you can be a better you, and give a better more mature love to your partner, and get the same back.

You will, though its not easy. Just remember the only thing in life you can control is YOU, your thoughts, actions, and behavior, and your attitude. Always be grateful you have that love and enjoy it while you do, and don't play games with it.....................or yourself.

Challenges are temporary. Read my signature, and give it some thought.

Thank you Talaniman, I very much appreciate your thoughts, knowledge, & words of wisdom. I will make it through this.

I have been through separations like this from my longtime boyfriend and you will be fine. If it has only been a few days, you're still adjusting to being on your own. Dwelling on her absence will only make time go slower. It will get easier as time goes on and you get used to occupying your time with things not related to your girlfriend. (I hear porn is a popular pastime)

--please forgive my smart a** comment

Quote:

Originally Posted by backpack2389

I have been through separations like this from my longtime bf and you will be fine. If it has only been a few days, you're still adjusting to being on your own. Dwelling on her absence will only make time go slower. It will get easier as time goes on and you get used to occupying your time with things not related to your gf. (I hear porn is a popular pastime)

--please forgive my smart a** comment

Yeah don't get me started on porn. I had to stop with that because I realized I was trying to make my girlfriend as uninhibited as they seem to be and even wanting my girlfriend to look skinny like them. Yeah no thank you. Me and my girlfriend tried watching porn together and it led to her getting all sensitive about her body when she saw the skinny cute things that turned me on. Hahaha, it was funny though because she tried avenging me by showing me porn of guys with big cocks. LOL it was very funny... lol

Anyway, I can find some other things to do. Thank you though for your input. Yes I'm dwelling on her less and less as the days go by.

I'm strong and can get through this. I have my life back. It's just like a huge shock to me :D.