I left my husband after over 30 years of marriage as he was treating me so badly, not because I didn't love him. Within two weeks he was in another woman's bed over a period of three months. We are trying to work things out but the images haunt me - neither had been unfaithful in our marriage. Can I just say that it was a rebound, non-important event? I feel we now have nothing physically 'special' together. Our intimacy has been smashed to pieces. He says it was 'nothing', 'just sex'. I do know that he didn't particularly like her. Am I putting too much importance on the act itself?

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Originally Posted by 616263zt

I left my husband after over 30 years of marriage as he was treating me so badly, not because I didn't love him. Within two weeks he was in another woman's bed over a period of three months. We are trying to work things out but the images haunt me - neither had been unfaithful in our marriage. Can I just say that it was a rebound, non-important event? I feel we now have nothing physically 'special' together. Our intimacy has been smashed to pieces. He says it was 'nothing', 'just sex'. I do know that he didn't particularly like her. Am I putting too much importance on the act itself?

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Only you know if this is a deal breaker or not - what were your expectations when you moved out? Did you expect him to not date, have sex?

I would feel betrayed by you moving out.

He took advantage of the separation to explore sex with another. But he was still unfaithful because you were still married. That's just my thinking, and adds to his list of bad behavior, and mistreatment. If that hasn't change then this is but one more grievance against the way he treats you.

Intentions really don't matter do they? You have to take a total view of his behavior to decide whether he is worth it or not. No you are not over reacting, because if he would treat you bad enough for you to kick him out, then he will treat others he encounters bad also, and unless THAT changes, I fail to see the point of trying this again, even after 30 years.

This sexual encounter wasn't a rebound, just another person to use. Is this selfish guy treating you better NOW?

Thank you for your replies. JudyKayTee, I thought it may happen eventually, but not so quickly. He has mental health problems which he has since addressed with medication and therapy. He is truly sorry for going with her. I didn't leave on a whim, it was a massive leap into the dark but I was at my wits end and my children (grown-up) were totally understanding and supportive. My problem is that we were absolutely exclusive to each other - not very common nowadays. I feel there is a massive inequality in our relationship now. I feel he has given away a whole chapter of our lives to someone else and can''t help thinking he is thinking of her (younger, slimmer etc than me! ) when he makes love to me. Is it really possible for a man to erase those memories?

Talaniman, the medication is working and he is treating me with respect now. He also says he loves me more than anything. I just feel this massive sense of betrayal of our intimacies.

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Originally Posted by 616263zt

Thank you for your replies. JudyKayTee, I thought it may happen eventually, but not so quickly. He has mental health problems which he has since addressed with medication and therapy. He is truly sorry for going with her. I didn't leave on a whim, it was a massive leap into the dark but I was at my wits end and my children (grown-up) were totally understanding and supportive. My problem is that we were absolutely exclusive to each other - not very common nowadays. I feel there is a massive inequality in our relationship now. I feel he has given away a whole chapter of our lives to someone else and can''t help thinking he is thinking of her (younger, slimmer etc than me!!) when he makes love to me. is it really possible for a man to erase those memories?

Talaniman, the medication is working and he is treating me with respect now. He also says he loves me more than anything. I just feel this massive sense of betrayal of our intimacies.

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I don't think either one of you can erase those memories. I do think you can move beyond them.

My problem remains walking out, walking away, without any type of legal understanding. You do know you deserted the marriage, right?

At any rate, if the experience brought him to the conclusion that he needs help and medication, then you just have to see if you can move beyond the betrayal.

Sometime bad things happen to show us changes must be made. Only time can tell if we have done the right thing, and in time you both can be in a better place to decide that.

But what often happens is that one partner gets help, but the other one does not. Some times it starts with a doctor visit and check up, and that's an easy place for YOU to start for YOURSELF.

Thanks again for the replies. I did go for help and therapy for some time before I left. He refused to acknowledge he had a problem. It is telling that all of our friends and family - his too, were supportive of my difficult decision to leave him. Our families are also pleased we are back together and know the history. Everything else is going well now except for this sticking point. I felt he had completely deserted me during our marriage and when I did eventually take the courage to leave, he replaced me sexually within two weeks - quite apart from removing all traces of me in the family home too. As I say, he is now on medication and I trust him never to do it whilst we are together. He also admits to saying dreadful untruths about me to her, which in his state of mind at the time, he believed to be true. He has never put the record straight and she is a friend of friends. So you see, I feel doubly betrayed. He did finish with her before I would even admit that there was a chance of a reconciliation. I didn't want to be the reason his relationship broke down, though I think I really was the reason. He didn't want her for anything long-standing. Part of me says I'm lucky he loves me, is sorry and has made amends and that I should be grateful for that and Put Up And Shut Up. It has been suggested I go out and do the same but that isn't me and would only make things worse. Maybe I put too much importance on sex.

No, I think you underestimate how hurt you are, and how long it will take to recover from this traumatic incident.

First you need a coping strategy, like intense exercise, a physical hobby, to vent those intense over worked emotions, and injection of feel good, to make yourself feel better. Then realize that full recovery will take time. Longer if he is anything less than perfect.

His infidelity just added to the bad feelings that have been brewing for a long time, so it will be a long time until you can recover. Be aware that future set backs and bad days will only help to keep those feelings stirred up and alive in your mind.

Think long term, and a quick fix is but a temporary one.

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Originally Posted by 616263zt

Thanks again for the replies. I did go for help and therapy for some time before I left. He refused to acknowledge he had a problem. It is telling that all of our friends and family - his too, were supportive of my difficult decision to leave him. Our families are also pleased we are back together and know the history. Everything else is going well now except for this sticking point. I felt he had completely deserted me during our marriage and when I did eventually take the courage to leave, he replaced me sexually within two weeks - quite apart from removing all traces of me in the family home too. As I say, he is now on medication and I trust him never to do it whilst we are together. He also admits to saying dreadful untruths about me to her, which in his state of mind at the time, he believed to be true. He has never put the record straight and she is a friend of friends. So you see, I feel doubly betrayed. He did finish with her before I would even admit that there was a chance of a reconciliation. I didn't want to be the reason his relationship broke down, though I think I really was the reason. He didn't want her for anything long-standing. Part of me says I'm lucky he loves me, is sorry and has made amends and that I should be grateful for that and Put Up And Shut Up. It has been suggested I go out and do the same but that isn't me and would only make things worse. Maybe I put too much importance on sex.

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No, you don't put too much importance on sex. I agree - he betrayed you. I didn't realize you had spoken to a professional while deciding how to proceed.

Good news - he's "back," he's no longer with her.

Bad news - what happens if things don't go well and you have another argument.

Good news - he's on his meds.

Bad news - see above.

I always hope that people consider the source SO whatever she says about you comes from a jilted woman. He, of course, can't take his words back BUT keep in mind who is repeating them.

I don't think you need to put up and shut up. I once read somewhere (maybe someone else remembers) that the injured party has the "right" to feel hurt or uncertain for as long as it takes to heal.

Can you get beyond this? Maybe another session with the counselor?

Thank you both for being so understanding. I have good days (today with us both and grandchildren at a safari park) and bad days when I obsess about them together. Early mornings when I can't sleep because of 'images' then work work work days when I don't have time to think at all. Loving times together when all is very good then other loving times when thoughts of 'Them' ruin it all. - he did it all with her (and some!)

Sorry, I sometimes feel like I stepped off the world when I got married and real life just caught up with us when I left him. He embraced it at the time and I just can't accept reality. My problem.

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Originally Posted by 616263zt

Thank you both for being so understanding. I have good days (today with us both and grandchildren at a safari park) and bad days when I obsess about them together. Early mornings when I can't sleep because of 'images' then work work work days when I don't have time to think at all. Loving times together when all is very good then other loving times when thoughts of 'Them' ruin it all. - he did it all with her (and some!)

Sorry, I sometimes feel like I stepped off the world when I got married and real life just caught up with us when I left him. He embraced it at the time and I just can't accept reality. My problem.

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I can't even imagine your pain - I do hurt for you.