I don't like writing about such personal issues, but I need help with my non-ejaculating boyfriend. We are getting married soon (supposedly, because I am beginning to have my doubts) and I don't want a husband who can't ejaculate during sexual intercourse or other lovemaking.

Sex for me is very special, the most intimate thing two people can do, and I love being with a virile man who ejaculates powerfuly inside me during sex. It really excites me, really turns me on. In fact it often makes me come, too. But my boyfriend thrusts for up to an hour but nothing happens - except I get sore and he gets ashamed (I think).

We have tried all kinds of stuff - even a vibrating ring on his penis as he thrusts - and though that brought me off very nicely, it made no difference to him.
He tells me - when he's willing to talk about it, which isn't often - that he has always been this way, and it's not just me with whom he has trouble ejaculating during sex.

If that is so, then how does he get pleasure (he says he masturbates but I have never been able to bring him off by hand)? And how can we live with this oddity? I thought all men came easily? He is the first man I have met who cannot ejaculate...

Joan

I suspect that he has orgasms when he masturbates alone... but I'm surprised that you don't even know whether that is true or not. There seems to be some lines of communication lacking in all this. Maybe he needs a very indirect approach to talking about it, and you could start by saying let's not have sex right now, let's just talk, and say that you've heard that many people (men and women) prefer to have orgasms alone, or can only have them alone. He also might have fantasies that he can't bring himself to tell you about or they would be impossible for the two of you.
I'd postpone the wedding...

Hi there! I am a man with this very same problem, so I can give you perspective from the male point of view. This could be either make or break for your relationship, as the previous poster implied, because communication is lacking… The good news is that this issue of delayed ejaculation finally prompted me and my partner to start communicating in a meaningful way.

Delayed ejaculation is generally caused by a man masturbating too hard when he's a teenager, so that his penis gets desensitised to normal stimulation. In fact, from my research, I'd say that was the cause of about 90% of men's inability to ejaculate during intercourse. You can forget theories like a man's angry at his partner so he's withholding ejaculation… That isn't how it works for men during intercourse!

The trouble is that there isn't a lot of information out there on the Internet about delayed ejaculation treatment, as I discovered when I started trying to solve the problem myself, but if you type "delayed ejaculation treatment" into Google you will find some useful information on things you can do.

From my own experience, the first thing is to introduce a greater level of sensuality into your lovemaking. So in other words he's got to move from being totally "penetration and thrusting focused" to sensual body stimulation focused, both for you and him.

In my experience this is the first step to actually being aroused enough to ejaculate. The second step is to get him out of his head and into the bed with you, in other words, to stop him relying on fantasy to get aroused, and instead to wake up to the fact he's got a sexy real-life woman in the bed with him who can arouse him much better than anything going on in his own head.

You really are going to need all those communications skills that the other poster's mentioned! Sorry if I seem to be flippant, I don't mean to be, but motivating your man to learn how to ejaculate during sex with you might be a challenge.

Last thing to note is that the reason a man can't ejaculate during sex is because he's just not aroused enough – even when he's got a hard erection. That's the essence of delayed ejaculation treatment, you need to actually find a way of getting the man more aroused (and, as I said before, also training his body, his penis, to respond to normal stimulation during sex, but in my opinion that's the easy bit...

Anyhow, do what I did, look on the Internet for some clues about delayed ejaculation treatment (and by the way is also known as retarded ejaculation).
Hope that helps
Zac