We were high school sweethearts our freshman and sophomore year and life just took us other places after that, my family had to move and I went with them. Which broke us apart? Eight years later we found each other and have been dating for almost 2 years. I have brought a child into the mix by a previous relationship. He is a wonderful stepfather. Lately he has been so distant, I know for a fact he is not cheating on me or sneaking around with anyone behind me back. We are very open and honest with each other and love each other very much.

The past 6 months he has had some personal issues which I have been there every step of the way to help him and be there for him, but now when I have any issue he can't be there for me and show me support. He enjoys going out with a few of his buddies, fishing! I am always invited fishing, but we all know that one on one time once in a while is a really good thing. I have tried many times to speak with him about this emotion of loneliness I have and how it bothers me.

He doesn't hold my hand and he doesn't ask me how my day was. He doesn't treat me like his girlfriend. It hurts me deeply to know that I love him so very much and always want his affection. I understand always wanting affection is a bit much but I don't get hardly any at all. We sleep and we barley cuddle anymore. He is all about going out with his few friends and doesn't have time for me. Let's not even touch on the fact he will not lift a finger around the house. He's home from work and tired and just needs to relax!! I will not appreciate the answers of cheating or anything of the sorts. I know all signs point to it, but I know this man and when it comes too honestly, faith and trust there are no holdings.

I just need to know how I can get my man back, and win over that fire we've had for such a very long time. And to think, he did ask me to marry him, I told him we need a little time to think, it’s such a big step, and being a "single mother" so to speak I don't want to rush anything else if you will. Thank you for all your help, it is greatly appreciated.


- Disgruntled "fiancé/ girlfriend"

Hey, i'd suggest just to give him some space to think of his priorities.
Don't get too clingy, we women need our affection but also the more you hunt for it, the more desperate and needy you look to him.
Don't focus on your problem because you become a big part of it, it makes you do all the wrong things, once you start to look sad to him due to that, it's not good at all.
A man needs space, and if you do not give it to him, he will emotionally claim that space anyway. And that means he will be distant from you.
What you shouldn't be doing is give more pressure to him, just be the girl he met and always had fun with and he could be hiself.
All you can do is love him, give him the space he needs, stay happy!!!

Can you tell us a little about the issues he had recently?
Men often can be the most loving people but not the best communicators, and his distance might have more to do with his own problems more than anything about you per se (unless you nag about helping out when he gets home).
Do you work?
I happen to be a person who feels that if one person doesn't work, she or he should not expect help from the one who does.
Those are my 2 practical, concrete questions.

Yes, Mya 18 , I completely agree and I have given him space. I've given him much space, and still it seems he is just taking advantage of that. I read your post and honestly I did get a little choked up, Its very hard to accept That I am on the sidelines, that I am simply a substitute I guess for when he has nothing else better to do. You are very right, and I will try giving him more space. He has even said to me " well, geez i know i wont be able to get away with this when we are married so i mine as well have me time" It's just that every day or every other day and when he is home, he is watching TV or playing "video games" or just not in the mood to be... what we were.

Joypulv- I rather not get into too much detail it is his personal like and I would hate to have it in the open, even though this is more than likely never going to get back to him, haha. He had a while (before we reconnected) with an issue with drugs. I however do not use touch see smell or associate with anyone who does any kind. So I was pretty much oblivious to the fact he was using. (pills) It was very hard long year pretty much to help in and support him and be there for him every single step of the way. Every single day. He was so very close then when he needed someone. Love, affection. Understand? And now he has been clean and sober for almost 6 months which I praise him immensely. It was very tough as I said, But WE got through it. I say we because it feels as if I was an addict myself dealing with the ups and downs and fights and tears, and battles, and withdrawals. I went through it also. Every day is a success for him. Do I nag? Of course. I am a female! LOL but Yes I do. He did not work, for obvious reasons. And I worked just not "on the books" I am also a mother and I need to note- there were never any drugs/drug use/talk about it/ fights/negative anything around my child. I will never tolerate that or stand for it. It was on his own time which happened to be a lot of the time. Anyway, We as a team live in this house, and I nag him about helping me, not doing it all. I am a very independent woman. And have always held my own. I have always worked been a mother and maintained my household. He has just recently started a job and still, as soon as he gets home, out the door again. As well as I, just started a new career :) which I'm happy to say CNA :) And yet I am still not getting any help, so I will ask, he does nothing, I will try and be his "partner" and have a date night, he's not in the mood. A lot of people tell me " your wasting your time" yadda yadda yadda, But love is - for better or worse. And I have every bone in my body fighting for this relationship. He is just to occupied with "living sober and enjoying life" to notice... I am so sorry about the book I just wrote, but figured this would give you all a better idea of my situation. Thanks again.

I'd put my foot down about leaving for his friends the minute he gets home from work. I'd document it for 10 days, and then insist that he sit down and work out a plan with you to be home - or else. The trouble is that you have to mean the 'or else' - you break up with him. I don't see any other way for you to be happy with him. Addict personalities are often kind of self centered and clueless, right? How long can you be glad for his sober 6 months and all that you put into it without anything back?

Give him a year of sober living and working as 6 months is great, but only a beginning. And you are NOT his girlfriend but a live in partner. Easy on the nagging but do talk about shared chores and under no circumstances do his chores for him.

Don't even think about marriage until he has proved he can handle being clean a year, and can meet his responsibilities, and has grown as a partner, and friend.

Recovery is an on going thing FOREVER, and he will probably get better at it. But you must also be realistic, as he has only been clean for 6 months out of the two you have been together? You may have saved his life, but expecting Mr.Perfect is certainly wishful thinking so stop it. Have your own life you are happy with,and pay attention as he slowly gets it together.

You are no longer high school sweet hearts, so put these feelings in the past, and deal with the guy you have now. Realistically. No tiptoeing, even if you have to be blunt and honest, or whether he wants to hear it or NOT!! Tough love is NOT nagging.

If you are not happy, he should be the first to know. Do it without nagging. What happened to your first relationship?

I have actually thought about doing that, but really it won't fix or help fix anything. It will just add more fuel to spark an argument or a "discussion". Plus I'm super emotional on the inside never out, that every time we fight, I break down and just get mad. That solves nothing at all. The or else thing doesn't work either. I did in fact leave for a month a while back when he was at the peek of his issues... and Was gone a month and he made a valid effort to "get me back" per say but he eventually accepted it and took that as a way to do exactly what he wants when he wants without anyone to answer to or check in with. Like for instance now, I get home from work, and his friend is with him. Just showed up at our door. They went to the store, and now are going fishing. He says he would like it if I came, but I have a few papers to fill out for tomorrow and things I need to take care of at home. So off he goes.. I can't force him to stay and if I try to, by my words or "how i feel" (because apparently I say how I feel, what's on my mind and my opinion too much, and I should keep my thoughts to myself) it will make him more mad, and Stay out later, and THENNNN when he returns home at 12 or 1:00 am I'm asleep, woken by him and he pretends we fought about nothing. And you know the more I explain it, the more I realize that maybe I have a lot of thinking to do. So maybe, sadly, I might have just answered my own question all along. Denial is no joke. :/

You left for a month and he worked hard to get you back. He got you back, and started right in again.
You need to calmly deliver an ultimatum. I'd put it in writing so that you don't get upset. It should spell out terms for daily life, for how many days per week he has to stay home, and how much of that time at home has to be doing chores together. Say you will negotiate the time spent on chores, 15 minutes a work day if you would rather it be 30; more on one day off, and one whole day with none. In other words I'd suggest a very concrete list of practical guidelines for living together. Never mind the lack of affection for now. If this works, you can work on that. If it doesn't work, it's time to move on.

One thing I have learned if you want something done a certain way and certain times, DO IT YOURSELF, but when someone else has to do it, let them do it any way they want as they want to. If he wants to go play with his friends mommy, before his chores are done, let him without a lecture. Just make sure they are there when he gets back.

I think you would be better served to not only pick your battles wisely, but pick better spots to vent, and more effective ways to express those feelings that you hold back. Its not good to hold them back and be resentful later, but its not always good to let them fly, and couples should have rules and boundaries to resolve conflicts, just so they can express themselves, and not let those conflicts escalate into big fights.

Conflict does not have to be the worst thing in the world, and there is a lot of learning if you listen and pay attention, and some times our own feelings distract us from understanding.

Most times when the feelings fade, and the emotional dust settles, I forget why I got so excited in the first place.

So, do you hold grudges for too long? Just asking. Maybe a list of his bad points, and good points can help you see a path forward.

Hello all, It's not a matter of how he does them, or when he does them, He does not do them, at all - point blank. Nothing. Ever. He says he will and the mess grows on and my patience grows thin so I spend all my time doing that when I get home. If he did something half , (excuse my language) that's fine, its more than he does now.
Its more of I would like advise as to how to get some affection back, I'm not always on his case, I don't nag, When I speak of ho I feel his exact words are " I m sorry you feel that way, you should rethink that because you are wrong. I don't hate talking about this with you for any other reason than its negativity and i don't want to be around negative people" but saying, "hey ____ i really miss you when can we have us time and spend it together. when can you fit me in" That's not negative.. I would just like to know if anyone had to "train" their partner... because almost every one has heard the term " i trained him well" Obviously I'm not training him but helping us grow. That's all I was needing/ looking for. How to get the point across and a different way that I have been because my method is clearly not working. Thanks all

Stop taking his crap and tell him to get out! You need the right affection, and you need it now.

Addicts are often all or nothing people. Sounds like he learned somewhere in rehab about skirting negativity and he's practicing his new technique on you by not doing a blessed responsible thing around the house. So you do it all, fume and stew, it comes out in petty ways even if you don't nag outright, and he not only withholds affection, he walks out the door. He knows how to get you back if you leave.

So... how is any of this worth it? Do you think you have invested so much in him that you deserve a ROI? You do deserve a lot. But it ain't going to happen!