I recently started a sexual relationship with a guy with who I work with, with the full knowledge and consent of my hus band of 23 yrs, for which I have no regrets. The sex is wonderful and I love him but in a totally different way to my husband. They are totally different. My lover is black, strong and dominant my husband is white meek and naturally submissive.

Recently however my lover has said that I should remain exclusive to him sexually. I have tried to explain to him that due to my husband sexual issues next to nothing happens with my husband other than kisses and cuddles. But he says that even this shouldn't take place and that I should be his woman totally even consider sleeping seperatly to my husband.

I have discussed my lovers issues with my husband and he says that whilst he would prefer me to rmain sleeping in the same bed as him, on the nights I'm not at my lovers house, he would understand.

Is my lover acting unreasonably?

If you have a lover why would you have a husband for, is it for money?

John

Yes it is not reasonable, a husband by nature of the arrangement has certain moral rights and responsibilities.

You are taking advantage of his submissive nature.

A lover outside of marriage is just for that, sex, and sex alone, not a relationship.
The lover has stepped outside his boundary and needs to be brought back into understanding his role.

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Originally Posted by angie_watson

I recently started a sexual relationship with a guy with who I work with, with the full knowledge and consent of my hus band of 23 yrs, for which I have no regrets. The sex is wonderfull and I love him but in a totally different way to my husband. They are totally different. My lover is black, strong and dominant my husband is white meek and naturally submissive.

Recently however my lover has said that I should remain exclusive to him sexually. I have tried to explain to him that due to my husband sexual issues next to nothing happens with my husband other than kisses and cuddles. But he says that even this shouldn't take place and that I should be his woman totally even consider sleeping seperatly to my husband.

I have discussed my lovers issues with my husband and he says that whilst he would prefer me to rmain sleeping in the same bed as him, on the nights I'm not at my lovers house, he would understand.

Is my lover acting unreasonably?

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Whilst I neither understand nor believe you why are you questioning where to sleep when you aren't with your lover? Decide whether you want to sleep separately to your husband or not and then do whatever feels right.

Next question -

Do you feel good taking advantage of your husbands inability to stand up to what you're doing?

afaroo,,, no it isn't for money lthough he does look after me really well and we love each other.

Fr_Chuck,, probably agree with you the most but I don't believe I am taking advantage of his submissive nature at all. In fact we are pretty equal in that department.

JudyKayTree,, agreed, I suppose I just don't want to tell my husband we are no longer going to sleep together.

Odinn7,, No I don't feel good but you have to understand that if my husband said he didn't even want me to see my lover ever again I love him so much I would do just that.

Thank you all for taking the time to answer

I think your lover is trying to wean you away from your husband. I think he is trying to play a power game here. While your husband is submissive and is letting you go far, I think you're starting to cross a line. He's your lover, not your husband, he has no right to dictate to you what you should or should not do.

You need to stay in control of the situation because your husband won't try to control you and your lover will. So dial it back and put your lover in his place. If this ends the affair than so be it. It could tear apart your marriage otherwise.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Husband AND a lover!

Where are your morals? Where are your values? This whole thing makes me sick!

What ever happen to wedding vows?

Please help me understand WHY you need both a husband and a lover.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Husband AND a lover!?

Where are your morals? Where are your values? This whole thing makes me sick!

What ever happen to wedding vows?

Please help me understand WHY you need both a husband and a lover.

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As far as I know it's because "My lover is black, strong and dominant my husband is white meek and naturally submissive."

And I agree - makes me sick.

This is why the number of AIDS cases is higher every year.

I can almost see her side of this - her husband doesn't care one way or the other. If she's sleeping around I also wouldn't want to have sex with her.

What is the husband thinking? Apparently nothing.

And the "black" lover (and this would be no less offensive if she described him as Polish, Puerto Rican or anything else) - it's free sex with no strings.

He gets to tell her when/how/where - and then go on to tell other women when/how/where.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Husband AND a lover!?

Where are your morals? Where are your values? This whole thing makes me sick!

What ever happen to wedding vows?

Please help me understand WHY you need both a husband and a lover.

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I think that is a little harsh. Her morals, values, and world view are just a little different than yours. If everyone is consenting, and I do have my reservations about the husband in this regard, what is the problem?

I know someone who is married, younger than me, in an open relationship with her husband. She whores herself out to whoever she pleases but goes home to her husband at night. I don't understand why or agree with it, but she doesn't really need my blessings to do this. She recently broke it off with one of her long time lovers. Better for him I think.

It is just a really complicated set of relationships.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I think that is a little harsh. Her morals, values, and world view are just a little different than yours. If everyone is consenting, and I do have my reservations about the husband in this regard, what is the problem?

I know someone who is married, younger than me, in an open relationship with her husband. She whores herself out to whoever she pleases but goes home to her husband at night. I don't understand why or agree with it, but she doesn't really need my blessings to do this. She recently broke it off with one of her long time lovers. Better for him I think.

It is just a really complicated set of relationships.

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Ahh, but I don't see your friend posting this very elementary question. I have friends in open marriages. They aren't posting whether they should still share a bed with their husband. They already figured that out.

And, again - punch in any ethnic group in place of the word "black" and this would have less "shock value" (in the eyes of the OP) and be no less offensive.

I don't think the answer was harsh - I did think the question was, at best, well - stupid. OP seems to have figured out all the other angles, but where she sleeps at night puzzles her?

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I think that is a little harsh. Her morals, values, and world view are just a little different than yours.

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You can think my advice is harsh, and I will be OK with that. I'm not here for popularity points. However, I DO respect your opinion about mine. That being said, this whole thing still makes me sick.

I do have a guestion for the op... why is your husband OK with this? Does he have other lovers? Do you both have an agreement?

Oh and Judy, I liked your aids comment. Makes a lot of sense.

Have to agree with Craven here. I don't understand this type of marriage, nor could I live through it, but if it works for them, so be it. Who are we to judge?

The problem is, this doesn't seem to be working. The lover isn't playing his part. He's trying to split up this marriage. That's not part of the deal. His role is supposed to be that of a lover. Sex, nothing more. He's not playing by the rules. He wants more.

Seems like you have some decisions to make. Are you a servant to your lover, willing to do whatever he demands you to do? After all, he is black and strong, and your husband is white and meek. Sounds like you want to be dominated. Not my cup of tea, but to each their own. But it does raise the question "Why did you marry and fall in love with a white meek guy if you want someone that's dominating"?

Are you willing to sleep in a separate bed from your husband, and obey your lover?

If you are, then divorce the husband. I don't understand your relationship, or why any man or woman would agree to letting their spouse have a lover. But, if your lover is now more important than your husband, and you're doing what the lover says, then the marriage if over. Doesn't matter that I don't agree with this. It is what it is.

So who's it going to be? Husband or lover? Seems like it's safe to say that you can't have both.

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Originally Posted by Alty

Have to agree with Craven here. I don't understand this type of marriage, nor could I live through it, but if it works for them, so be it. Who are we to judge?.

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And here's the magic phrase - "... if it works for them."

It apparently doesn't because the relationship with the lover isn't separate from the relationship with the husband. The lover (as Alty said) is attempting to control the marriage.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

And, again - punch in any ethnic group in place of the word "black" and this would have less "shock value" (in the eyes of the OP) and be no less offensive.

I don't think the answer was harsh - I did think the question was, at best, well - stupid. OP seems to have figured out all the other angles, but where she sleeps at night puzzles her?

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Fair point. Do you think it is a troll?

It really sounds like she hadn't thought this through rationally and is stuck in the emotional thought cycle. (assuming not a troll.) Also that she's also quite submissive but a little more dominant than her husband.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

You can think my advice is harsh, and I will be ok with that. I'm not here for popularity points. However, I DO respect your opinion about mine. That being said, this whole thing still makes me sick.

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The more I think on this the more fishy it seems. It is almost as if her husband gets off on the cuckold fantasy. It doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe he wants the security of being married at whatever the cost. Maybe he is getting impotent and wants to make sure his wife is satisfied. It is just strange.

Divergence: I had a friend first year of university. We shared most the same morals and values. Stealing bad, fidelity good, murder bad, honesty good, et al. We were good friends for a long time. Then she found out that I was atheist and since she was religious she thought I was amoral and would lead her to sin because I didn't believe. It was essentially the end of that friendship.

I get twitchy when I see that. I suppose I might have overreacted a little. My apologies.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

The more I think on this the more fishy it seems. It is almost as if her husband gets off on the cuckold fantasy. It doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe he wants the security of being married at whatever the cost. Maybe he is getting impotent and wants to make sure his wife is satisfied. It is just strange.

Divergence: I had a friend first year of university. We shared most the same morals and values. Stealing bad, fidelity good, murder bad, honesty good, et al. We were good friends for a long time. Then she found out that I was atheist and since she was religious she thought I was amoral and would lead her to sin because I didn't believe. It was essentially the end of that friendship.

I get twitchy when I see that. I suppose I might have overreacted a little. My apologies.

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No, no problem - it's called "exchanging ideas" -

And I think it's "fishy" and might be for the attention.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

The more I think on this the more fishy it seems. It is almost as if her husband gets off on the cuckold fantasy. It doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe he wants the security of being married at whatever the cost. Maybe he is getting impotent and wants to make sure his wife is satisfied. It is just strange.

Divergence: I had a friend first year of university. We shared most the same morals and values. Stealing bad, fidelity good, murder bad, honesty good, et al. We were good friends for a long time. Then she found out that I was atheist and since she was religious she thought I was amoral and would lead her to sin because I didn't believe. It was essentially the end of that friendship.

I get twitchy when I see that. I suppose I might have overreacted a little. My apologies.

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No worries.

You have your opinion as I have mine.

Let's just pretend that the OP is not a troll and that she is legit. She needs to understand that "they" had an arrangement, and Mr lover boy is not abiding by the rules. Wow! I am STILL trying to understand this whole love triangle. Call me old fashioned, but one man, one woman. That's beside the point.

Here is my honest answer, do what ever you guys all agreed on in the first place. Obviously you guys need rules and guidelines, because I see nothing good coming out of this. Someone always gets hurts. It's just a question of who. Tell your lover to get over himself... Geez, he's already getting no strings attatched sex, while your husband is working and paying the bills in order for you to go out and get some.

There you have it.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

...Geez, he's already getting no strings attatched sex, while your husband is working and paying the bills in order for you to go out and get some.

There you have it.

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Love it - cuts to the chase!

My laugh for the day!