I've been married for 4 short months to my husband and we have major issues. He has stopped being intimate with me and spending all of his spare time looking at and downloading porn. This has been an ongoing issue for us for over a year but I have stuck by him and tried to help him. I even tried to get into porn so that we wouldn't have this issue. I stepped it up in the bedroom, sent him pics all the time and its done nothing but made me feel worse. Porn ruined my parents marriage because it led my dad to more than just looking. I try to talk to him about it and he just lies and lies and lies. Last night he even swore on his grandfathers grave he doesn't look anymore but I have proof that he was looking for almost 5 hours continuously yesterday. I don't want to feel like this! Should I leave?

I won't tell you what to do (but I'd leave now rather than later).
It sounds like you need to talk about 3 choices:
- divorce
- couple counseling if he will agree
- counseling for yourself, to help you decide what to do, and also to prevent what seems to be a family trend from happening again. It's probably no coincidence that you married a man like your father.

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Originally Posted by amandaful3

I've been married for 4 short months to my husband and we have major issues. He has stopped being intimate with me and spending all of his spare time looking at and downloading porn. This has been an ongoing issue for us for over a year but I have stuck by him and tried to help him. I even tried to get into porn so that we wouldn't have this issue. I stepped it up in the bedroom, sent him pics all the time and its done nothing but made me feel worse. Porn ruined my parents marriage because it led my dad to more than just looking. I try to talk to him about it and he just lies and lies and lies. Last night he even swore on his grandfathers grave he doesn't look anymore but I have proof that he was looking for almost 5 hours continuously yesterday. I don't want to feel like this! Should I leave?

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If it's destroying you, yes. If porn has taken the place of intimacy, yes.

Porn is pretend and I don't think that "stepping it up" in the bedroom (particularly when there's no intimacy) or sending him photos of you (which I don't understand because you are "available" live and in person) changes anything.

He had this "addiction" before you married him? Did you ever attempt counselling for either one or both of you?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I won't tell you what to do (but I'd leave now rather than later).
It sounds like you need to talk about 3 choices:
- divorce
- couple counseling if he will agree
- counseling for yourself, to help you decide what to do, and also to prevent what seems to be a family trend from happening again. It's probably no coincidence that you married a man like your father.

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*Thank you, I did counseling last year because it was taking a toll on me. I know I am insecure, as does he and I know its my fault for being insecure, not his. But his lack of respect and honesty terrify me. If he would lie about this, what else does he lie about? Can't help but wonder.

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Originally Posted by amandaful3

*Thank you, I did counseling last year because it was taking a toll on me. I know I am insecure, as does he and I know its my fault for being insecure, not his. But his lack of respect and honesty terrify me. If he would lie about this, what else does he lie about? Can't help but wonder.

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Any recommendations on how to address this? In a way I am scared to.. but its been proven that his "addiction" isn't going anywhere.

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Originally Posted by amandaful3

*Thank you, I did counseling last year because it was taking a toll on me. I know I am insecure, as does he and I know its my fault for being insecure, not his. But his lack of respect and honesty terrify me. If he would lie about this, what else does he lie about? Can't help but wonder.

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I don't think you're insecure. He watches porn instead of having an intimate relationship with you?

He has a problem, not you.

I have no problem with porn when it's "in addition to." The "instead of part" is my problem here.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I don't think you're insecure. He watches porn instead of having an intimate relationship with you?

He has a problem, not you.


I have no problem with porn when it's "in addition to." The "instead of part" is my problem here.

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Thank you so much, this has helped me. I guess I just have to plan a way to address it and figure out a new living situation :-(

It almost sounds like you think counseling is a sign of something wrong with you? I didn't mean it that way. The counseling you might want now is to help you leave, and to help you not be attracted to the same kind of man over and over (or at least help you identify the signs).

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Originally Posted by joypulv

It almost sounds like you think counseling is a sign of something wrong with you? I didn't mean it that way. The counseling you might want now is to help you leave, and to help you not be attracted to the same kind of man over and over (or at least help you identify the signs).

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Sort of.. you kind of hit the nail on your last answer. When you read about porn addictions or wives struggling with it.. a lot of people point the finger at the wife for being insecure or ungrateful for what her husband DOES do for her. My husband is a nice man but as a woman, I have needs you know and I feel like I don't exsist intimately with him unless I push the issue and he "gives in". Its really taking a toll on me and preventing me from enjoying anything in life.

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Originally Posted by amandaful3

Sort of..you kinda hit the nail on your last answer. When you read about porn addictions or wives struggling with it..a lot of people point the finger at the wife for being insecure or ungrateful for what her husband DOES do for her. My husband is a nice man but as a woman, I have needs ya know and I feel like I don't exsist intimately with him unless I push the issue and he "gives in". Its really taking a toll on me and preventing me from enjoying anything in life.

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I'm in 100% agreement - usually people who post the "porn" questions are pretty much off the wall.

You're the exception. It's not about the porn. It's about the lack of communication and consideration - in my book.

I agree with Joy - find out why this was acceptable (or at least tolerable) and make very sure you don't make the same mistake again.

On the other hand maybe a counsellor or someone can help you or him or both of you through this IF that's what you want.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm in 100% agreement - usually people who post the "porn" questions are pretty much off the wall.

You're the exception. It's not about the porn. It's about the lack of communication and consideration - in my book.

I agree with Joy - find out why this was acceptable (or at least tolerable) and make very sure you don't make the same mistake again.

On the other hand maybe a counsellor or someone can help you or him or both of you through this IF that's what you want.

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Thank you guys.. means a lot. I can't turn to friends about this because no one understands, very grateful for you guys taking the time to answer. I literally am disgusted with him. His "addiction" has pushed me out the door. Going my separate way seems to be the solution. Hopefully I can find some kind of some support in the "real world."

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Originally Posted by amandaful3

Thank you guys..means a lot. I can't turn to friends about this bc no one understands, very grateful for you guys taking the time to answer. I literally am disgusted with him. His "addiction" has pushed me out the door. Going my seperate way seems to be the solution. Hopefully I can find some kind of some support in the "real world."

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You'll find support. I think this is one of those things that people experience but don't necessarily talk about and then you mention it and the doors swing open wide!

Good luck - and stick around and ask some questions from other people who have "porn" concerns if you have the time.