Ask Me Help Desk - How to trust husband after he cheated?

I have been married for one year and two months into our marriage I find out that he has cheated on me twice. Once with his co-worker and then his ex-girlfriend. As bad as I was hurt and scarred I decided to work things through it and move forth so two months before our one year anniversary I find out he has a page on a dating social network with a profile that says he is single and he meets a woman and plans a date to meet with her. I talk to the woman and she tells me everything they planned on doing when they met and they even exchanged phone numbers.

I have been with this man for 11 years now and we have three children together and I honestly thought that he valued our marriage and family more than he does. He has apologized to me numerous times and has done everything that he can to show me that he has not cheated. He leaves his phone where I can get to it, I have access to his Facebook login and he lets me read all his text messages. He doesn't go anywhere really and he works overtime as well. For some reason I can’t get over it and I am always thinking that maybe he is seeing someone at his job although I have no proof of it. I'm trying so hard not to throw things in his face when he wants to step out with the fellas and I understand that sometimes he need to breathe and get away but I just don't know how to let go of the pain. He is so tired of me bringing the situation up and he hates that I call him all the time and question his whereabouts, he hates that I don't let him hang out with the fellas and he hates that I always ask him about his female co-workers that he communicates with regarding work. He hates that I ask him to call me every day at lunch but he does everything I ask.

A part of me feels like I have the right to do the things that I do but another part feels like I'm doing too much and pushing him away. I need help and really don't know what to do anymore because it’s obvious my pain is too deep. Can someone give me advice on how to deal with this please I really would appreciate it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovecup84

I have been married for one year and two months into our marriage I find out that he has cheated on me twice. once with his co-worker and then his ex-girlfriend. As bad as I was hurt and scarred I decided to work things through it and move forth so then two months before our one year anniversary I find out he has a page on a dating social network with a profile that says he is single and he meets a woman and plans a date to meet with her. I talk to the woman and she tells me everything they planned on doing when they met and they even exchanged phone numbers.
I have been with this man for 11 years now and we have three children together and I honestly thought that he valued our marriage and family more than he does. He has apologized to me numerous times and has done everything that he can to show me that he has not cheated. he leaves his phone where I can get to it, I have access to his facebook login and he lets me read all his text messages. He doesn't go anywhere really and he works overtime as well. for some reason I can't get over it and I am always thinking that maybe he is seeing someone at his job although I have no proof of it. I'm trying so hard not to throw things in his face when he wants to step out with the fellas and I understand that sometimes he need to breathe and get away but I just don't know how to let go of the pain. He is so tired of me bringing the situation up and he hates that I call him all the time and question his whereabouts, he hates that I don't let him hang out with the fellas and he hates that I always ask him about his female co-workers that he communicates with regarding work. he hates that I ask him to call me every day at lunch but he does everything I ask. A part of me feels like I have the right to do the things that I do but another part feels like I'm doing too much and pushing him away. I need help and really don't know what to do anymore because its obvious my pain is too deep. Can someone give me advice on how to deal with this please I really would appreciate it!

Wow - this hurts me and I don't even know you. I can't imagine.

How did you find his dating site page?

I'm an investigator. I do matrimonial surveillances. I have found that there are people who cheat once and never cheat again. There are also people who cheat - again and again and again. Everything is fine for a while and then there's that need to be "out there."

How do you tell them apart? I honestly don't know.

There's a thin line between checking up on him and being reassured. Somewhere deep inside you you must have a sense of him, the how and why of his cheating, the chances he'll cheat again. What does your heart say?

If you believe he won't, want to give him the benefit of the doubt (and, yes, it sounds like he's trying to stay straight) would talking to someone help you? Did he have any explanation why he cheated - even if it's nonsense, did he say anything? He's getting older, anything?

The problem isn't the pain the problem is you have trust issues which is 100% understandable considering the past. Sorry but something like this doesn't go away. Its like a stab wound it will heal but the scar or that hint of distrust will always be their even in perfect relationships their will always be that ''Will history repeat itself'' feeling their the best thing is work on your trust which it looks like he's doing by letting you keep him in touch at all times

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Wow - this hurts me and I don't even know you. I can't imagine.

How did you find his dating site page?

I'm an investigator. I do matrimonial surveillances. I have found that there are people who cheat once and never cheat again. There are also people who cheat - again and again and again. Everything is fine for a while and then there's that need to be "out there."

How do you tell them apart? I honestly don't know.

There's a thin line between checking up on him and being reassured. Somewhere deep inside you you must have a sense of him, the how and why of his cheating, the chances he'll cheat again. What does your heart say?

If you believe he won't, want to give him the benefit of the doubt (and, yes, it sounds like he's trying to stay straight) would talking to someone help you? Did he have any explanation why he cheated - even if it's nonsense, did he say anything? He's getting older, anything?

Thank you so much for responding!
I honestly believe in my heart that he will cheat again. I only say this because he waits until things die down and then go for it again plus he is very sneaky and I think about how quick he was to cheat on me two months after we got married. He wasted no time and it just made me feel like he was cheating the whole time even before we got married so I just think that he will do it again. Now I don't know for sure if he will but my gut tells me he's not ready to be committed but at the same time he doesn't want to lose me! I found out about the dating social network by going through his phone one day and I noticed a particular number that he kept calling and I never recognized it before so I called and a woman answers then tells me she met him on this site and it crushed me.
I want to trust him again but my guards are up so high that I'm afraid if I let them down just a little bit that Ill find out about something else so sometimes I just say to myself " why am I even with him?" I know that I love him dearly and 11 years is a long time to just give up on. We had premarital counseling and I thought it worked but I guess not. Then we seen a counselor after the first two affairs I found out about and then I thought he was apologetic and done cheating but no, literally two months before our one year anniversary I find out about the social network so right now my feelings are everywhere and I just don't know what to do and I don't want to push him away because then the blame will be on me and I will be the reason that he left although everything that has happened has been recent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gamed

The problem isnt the pain the problem is you have trust issues which is 100% understandable considering the past. Sorry but something like this doesn't go away. Its like a stab wound it will heal but the scar or that hint of distrust will always be their even in perfect relationships their will always be that ''Will history repeat itself'' feeling their the best thing is work on your trust which it looks like hes doing by letting you keep him in touch at all times

Thank you for your honesty and I do believe that my trust is a major setback in our marriage and I just really hope I'm strong enough to deal with it and this never happen again.

I think deep down u know what u should do. If he cheated more then the one time then it's likely that he'll continue to do so. If he truly loved u and valued the relationship u've built together he would never have thrown it away for a quick . It's obvious that he doesn't love u. Leave, find someone who will really love and respect u. You don't deserve to be treated this way and neither do your children. He's not the kind of man u should want in your or your children's life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindChill

I think deep down u know what u should do. If he cheated more then the one time then it's likely that he'll continue to do so. If he truly loved u and valued the relationship u've built together he would never have thrown it away for a quick . It's obvious that he doesn't love u. Leave, find someone who will really love and respect u. You don't deserve to be treated this way and neither do ur children. He's not the kind of man u should want in ur or ur children's life.

Thank you for your opinion.
I do believe that he loves me and our children but I also believe that he misses that single lifestyle, and him hanging out with single guys are just a encouragement to him to want to do single things. Now most recently he has been trying to do right by me and I see that but I really don't know how long this will last. So I know I have some thinking to do but I just hope and pray that my final decision will be the right one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindChill

I think deep down u know what u should do. If he cheated more then the one time then it's likely that he'll continue to do so. If he truly loved u and valued the relationship u've built together he would never have thrown it away for a quick . It's obvious that he doesn't love u. Leave, find someone who will really love and respect u. You don't deserve to be treated this way and neither do ur children. He's not the kind of man u should want in ur or ur children's life.

Please don't use text speak on the adult threads -