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-   -   My Fiancé cheated on me. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=685116)

  • Jul 20, 2012, 03:40 PM
    missjohnson87
    My Fiancé cheated on me.
    My fiancé and I were in a long distance relationship for about a year and his mother died and I wasn't able to come there during his ordeal. When I was planing to come there he told me that he slept with a few women because he was lonely. Now I understand that he was lonely because it was a long distance relationship, but when I finally came I found out that he has been in a relationship with a woman for 6 months. He asked me to marry him not long after I got there and he slept with his other woman a few days after we got engaged. We finally moved back to my home city and things could not be better but I still so hurt and still very angry about what he has done. Do I stay with him and marry him or do I break up with him?
  • Jul 20, 2012, 04:28 PM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by missjohnson87 View Post
    My fiancé and I were in a long distance relationship for about a year and his mother died and I wasn't able to come there during his ordeal. When I was planing to come there he told me that he slept with a few women because he was lonely. Now I understand that he was lonely because it was a long distance relationship, but when I finally came I found out that he has been in a relationship with a woman for 6 months. He asked me to marry him not long after I got there and he slept with his other woman a few days after we got engaged. We finally moved back to my home city and things could not be better but I still so hurt and still very angry about what he has done. Do I stay with him and marry him or do I break up with him?

    What is he going to do the first time you are apart for any reason? What happens if/when you have an argument.

    This isn't one affair, one episode of cheating.

    He's a chronic cheater.
  • Jul 20, 2012, 04:44 PM
    klarsenartwork
    The feelings of loneliness were felt by you as well and you didn't start up another relationship.

    I think you should request the same loyalty that you gave him with a new man.

    Sounds like you were the only one hurt in this relationship and I believe he will continue to hurt you. I also feel that the hurt he imposes on you will grow and you should RUN away from this man while you can.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 01:18 PM
    missjohnson87
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by klarsenartwork View Post
    The feelings of loneliness were felt by you as well and you didn't start up another relationship.

    I think you should request the same loyalty that you gave him with a new man.

    Sounds like you were the only one hurt in this relationship and I believe he will continue to hurt you. I also feel that the hurt he imposes on you will grow and you should RUN away from this man while you can.
    Well he told her that he was already seeing someone else. And from what he told me she started to have feelings for him so out of respect for her feelings he started dating her. And he tried breaking up with her sevearl times but she would constantly call his phone and send him tons of text messages saying how she missed him and how so in love she was.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 01:40 PM
    odinn7
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by missjohnson87 View Post
    Well he told her that he was already seeing someone else. And from what he told me she started to have feelings for him so out of respect for her feelings he started dating her. And he tried breaking up with her sevearl times but she would constantly call his phone and send him tons of text messages saying how she missed him and how so in love she was.
    That's just a BS excuse and if you fall for that, I'm sorry but you're an idiot.

    So he was messing around with someone while you were supposedly together... you found this out and then got engaged to him... then he went and slept with someone again AFTER you just got engaged? Am I right? Why are you even asking what to do? You don't really think he isn't ever going to cheat on you again, do you? Clearly you are showing him that he can do it, you will get mad, but then you will get over it so there is no reason for him to stop.

    He will do it again if he's not doing it already.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 01:46 PM
    missjohnson87
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by odinn7 View Post
    That's just a BS excuse and if you fall for that, I'm sorry but you're an idiot.

    So he was messing around with someone while you were supposedly together...you found this out and then got engaged to him....then he went and slept with someone again AFTER you just got engaged? Am I right? Why are you even asking what to do? You don't really think he isn't ever going to cheat on you again, do you? Clearly you are showing him that he can do it, you will get mad, but then you will get over it so there is no reason for him to stop.

    He will do it again if he's not doing it already.
    No need to say sorry,
    I am so new to this relationsip thing. Also I really needed to see other peoples point of view.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 01:46 PM
    klarsenartwork
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by missjohnson87 View Post
    Well he told her that he was already seeing someone else. And from what he told me she started to have feelings for him so out of respect for her feelings he started dating her. And he tried breaking up with her sevearl times but she would constantly call his phone and send him tons of text messages saying how she missed him and how so in love she was.
    How nice for you that he is so giving and kind to another woman. Leave him!
  • Jul 22, 2012, 01:51 PM
    odinn7
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by missjohnson87 View Post
    No need to say sorry,
    I am so new to this relationsip thing. Also I really needed to see other peoples point of view.
    I'm not trying to insult you, I just wanted you to see the truth in all of this so you can avoid being used and hurt more.

    I hate seeing people used like this and I'm hoping you have the strength to do what's right for you.

    Good luck.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 01:52 PM
    missjohnson87
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by klarsenartwork View Post
    How nice for you that he is so giving and kind to another woman. Leave him!
    Do you really think I should leave him after he moved back to my home town with me, bought me a house in my name and filled it up with the latest eletronics and furniture? Also he stays at home and whenever he goes somewhere he takes me with him.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 02:08 PM
    missjohnson87
    Now that I am reading over people's replys it reminds me of a previous relationship he told me about. Him and his girlfriend was living together and she feeling neglected in the bedroom decided to go out and find a man who will have sex with her. So she slept with the man while he was asleep on the couch. And he was up when the other dude left after they finished. He had to continue to live there too while he had to look for another place. So he would hear them having sex in the other room.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 02:32 PM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by missjohnson87 View Post
    Do you really think I should leave him after he moved back to my home town with me, bought me a house in my name and filled it up with the latest eletronics and furniture? Also he stays at home and whenever he goes somewhere he takes me with him.

    Here's my problem - you posted your question, you asked for opinons, you got them and turned defensive.

    So here's how I see it - you are considering staying in a relationship with a man who cheats because he moved to your hometown, bought you a house and filled it with electronics and furniture and takes you with him when he goes out?

    Sorry, I'd rather buy my own house, electronics and furniture and not be with a cheater.

    In fact, I've been known to do exactly that.

    It sounds like you're selling your soul for material things.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 02:41 PM
    fatexoxo
    I would not marry him. How could you marry someone who has hurt you so bad? YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS... do not ruin your life. FIND BETTER
  • Jul 22, 2012, 04:07 PM
    missjohnson87
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Here's my problem - you posted your question, you asked for opinons, you got them and turned defensive.

    So here's how I see it - you are considering staying in a relationship with a man who cheats because he moved to your hometown, bought you a house and filled it with electronics and furniture and takes you with him when he goes out?

    Sorry, I'd rather buy my own house, electronics and furniture and not be with a cheater.

    In fact, I've been known to do exactly that.

    It sounds like you're selling your soul for material things.
    He bought me all of those things to aplogize for what he did, and that is why I was asking for advice. I don't know if I should stay with him although he is showing signs that he wants to work it out.
  • Jul 22, 2012, 05:10 PM
    LadySam
    He bought you all the things out of guilt and to appease you most likely.
    Don't sell yourself short by allowing him to put a price on your love and loyalty.
    He's already disrespected the commitment that goes with engagement, what will stop him from doing the same in a marriage.
    Things don't matter to me, honesty, faithfulness, consideration and respect do.
  • Jul 25, 2012, 10:30 AM
    klarsenartwork
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by missjohnson87 View Post
    He bought me all of those things to aplogize for what he did, and that is why I was asking for advice. I dont know if I should stay with him although he is showing signs that he wants to work it out.
    Clearly you are going to stay with him. I've stayed in relationships like that more than once. Statistics show women will be in an average of 7 abusive relationships or go back an average of 7 times to the same abusive man until they see the light. I am single and love it. God has provided all my needs and I volunteer at nursing homes, offer art therapy, and am learning how to open my own business. How great is that?! You can be your own person too.

    This sure beats being owed by someone else! My years of abuse has ruined me emotionally and I am on my way to becoming healthy for the first time in my life.

    I have been strangled, starved, raped, kidnapped and abandoned in a blizzard thousands of miles from home by my own Ex-husband. Amazingly no one else, family, friends or church were able to help me, my support system failed me. God made a way for me to escape and survive each time. Escaping is useless when you go right back to the same captor or just another one.

    I was used for child pornography by my own father and all of his wealthy friends during most of my childhood. I was happy when he died, thought I was free only to connect with other abusive men. I am damaged but have a huge capacity for loving, I am extremely empathetic and creative. My own genius came from the abuse. I am a member of mensa and score in the top 2% of the county in spacial concepts and am finally using my talent.

    Please watch for the isolation that is sure to come. Be careful, be prepared. Have an emergency bag packed in your car and find out where your local women,s shelters are. You will leave him, and most women leave an abusive man only when they know the next abusive act will end up in their death.

    Go to a support group where you can learn about the different types of abuse and learn how to recognize red flags. Listen to other stories from women in abusive situations. One women's abuse ended with the husband training their dog to attack her. She finally left after the dog ripped out her throat, she survived and the hospital filed charges. He'll spend the rest of his life in jail. Who are you with, how bad can it get?

    It is all about control, which is what he has over you now, and he will do anything to keep you under his control. The red flags are waving, Please open your eyes!
  • Jul 25, 2012, 12:42 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by missjohnson87 View Post
    My fiancé and I were in a long distance relationship for about a year and his mother died and I wasn't able to come there during his ordeal. When I was planing to come there he told me that he slept with a few women because he was lonely. Now I understand that he was lonely because it was a long distance relationship, but when I finally came I found out that he has been in a relationship with a woman for 6 months. He asked me to marry him not long after I got there and he slept with his other woman a few days after we got engaged. We finally moved back to my home city and things could not be better but I still so hurt and still very angry about what he has done. Do I stay with him and marry him or do I break up with him?
    I can understand your being hurt and angry but why in the world did you stay with him? You think he will stop cheating on you after you marry? He went back at it after he asked you to marry him.
    Give him his stuff back and leave him. In his eyes he has bought you and now he can do what he wants to do.
  • Jul 25, 2012, 04:12 PM
    Cat1864
    Do you go out anywhere without him (work and/or school doesn't count)? Do you have friends and family or interests of your own? Do you trust him to go out with friends or pursue hobbies/sports he is interested in without getting worried that he is pursuing another woman?

    Every couple needs time to be with other people to bring fresh energy into the relationship. If you can't trust each other to stay loyal when you aren't together then the relationship will stagnate and suffer.

    He bought you a gilded cage. Do you really want to be beholden to a man who has shown that he cares more for another woman's feelings than he does yours? You have only his word that he didn't pursue her and wear her down while telling her that you didn't exist, were cold and heeded warmth or one of a thousand other lies cheaters tell.

    What does he do for a living? Do you work?

    I would pack my personal belongings and walk away with my held high knowing I didn't allow him to buy my self-respect.

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