Male afraid of what's to come.
In April, I'll have been with my girlfriend for almost two years. In the last month things have gone horribly wrong, and I'm afraid.
I'll try to start at the beginning, please bear with me. My girlfriend and I met in high school, she had a crush on me I had never had a girlfriend before, so after some coaxing... very welcome coaxing I expressed that I'd like to start a relationship with her over an internet messenger. Beforehand, I had shared problems with her and talked to her in the same way, so I figured it'd be appropriate to have a meaningful discussion in the same manner.
So we started our relationship, and all was fine. I had known her for a few years, and we started going out in my senior year, and she came back to school during my senior year to upgrade some classes, which after I found out was because she wanted to be with me. So now flash forward about a year. The year was good, had some fights and disagreements but it was young love in it's finest, and trust me, I still love her so much it hurts. I graduated with her as my escourt, had a lot of fun... then we decided to look for some jobs. She was on a waiting list for school, and I wasn't ready for school yet. So as luck had it we got a job together, a Monday to Friday, 9-5 job. As some of you probable assume that caused some problems because working together can definitely create problems... but that's natural... fights happen right? We had our fun too, kissing around corners, hugging when nobody was looking. It was great. We were janitors in a community center by the way.. an art center so we got to work on various projects aside from the obvious cleaning.
I got to see her every day and even though there were fights, it was great... the relationship was fun and... just great. Now, the job we were at had a term contract and we couldn't work there for more than a year... now when that year was up I had to move into town from my home, which was about 20 minutes away from where I worked. I wanted to move into town for easier access to jobs, and all in all better place to be. I moved into a place about two blocks away from my girlfriend, and started looking for a job. I got one and it didn't work out, then I got another. I started to work at the same grocery store as my girlfriend, which was fine because we didn't work together much, or in the same department. We still blew kisses at one another the odd time we worked similar shift times... things were fine.
In the evenings we'd usually watch a movie, or cuddle/sleep then she'd head home if she worked or whatever. I'd kind of get irritated at pointless things at this point... kind of like when we were janitors... but not over work-related things this time... which is normal. This time it was about how she didn't initate things... which she really didn't initate things... things like going out, fooling around, what to do... that sort. There were many fights about this. Sometimes I'd say "Maybe we should break up" and then she'd cry and I'd realize how much I love her, and the differences were something we could work through.
The fights became more often and over more and more pointless things. I'll skip ahead a month or few, and tell you the current story. Recently she's been distant, I didn't really know what was wrong until not long ago when she said all the things I've said have caught up to her. NOw I understand her feelings... I shouldn't have gotten mad at pointless things. She also said that she oversaw a conversation (posted on the internet) between her long time friend and his friend, which included her longtime friend saying that she liked my girlfriend for a long time, etc etc. She said she was confused, and afraid and didn' tknow what she wanted. Now when she said she didn't know what she wanted, It hit me really hard how much I want to be with her, and how much I love her. I tried to explain how sorry I am for taking her for granted and getting angry at pointless things... how much I want to work it out. I've tried to talk to her a lot in the past few days and now she's saying she needs space.
And now it's been hitting me harder than ever how afraid I am to lose her, how those pointless fights were so stupid and I should have never taken her for granted like that... I've told her so many times how sorry I am... and how it would be terrible if she wanted to leave me for another boy and not try to work things out after being together for so long. She's felt like I have before, and I've always tried to console her, make sure she knew how much I love her... and I can't repeat enough how much I love her. She says she still loves me, and likes me... but is just confused... that the fights and stuff were clouding her mind and she needs to think. I've promised to get better, to work things through, but I think now she thinks I'm being needy, and wants space even more... and I know for a fact that she's trying to work out her feelings for the other boy too... she told me herself.
There's been a lot of crying on both parts... and recently it's been me crying. All I want to do is hold her, get her support... and treat her how she deserves to be treated... but after reading some other posts in this forum I know that smothering and whatnot isn't a good thing... but it's just that I miss her already and it's not even over... she just needs to think. I really want this relationship to work out, and I'm so afraid that she'll leave me for the other boy. We've always said we'd be together and work through everything, but now it's like she doesn't want to work through her feelings with me, like I'm getting in the way.
I called her today... tried to tell her some of my feelings and how I don't understand and wish she'd explain to me why she feels how she feels after everything we've been through, and all she really did was ask for space... so finally I've decided I need to stop being selfish and just not talk to her for a while... which will be hard enough in itself.
I know this is long winded... I just need some advice... anything... words of encouragement, life stories... whathave you. I don't want to lose her, and I don't know why she doesn't want to figure things out together.
