Married over 15 years 2 kids. My husband (H) found out I was having an affair with his best friend for the past 18 months by reading emails. I confessed all. Many hurtful emails.. he read one which was nvr sent but said, “I have such difficulty having sex, especially kissing cause i just don’t want to...I’d rather be with myself... do u have the same issue? Is it difficult for u to have sex? and if so what do u do to deal with it?” Beyond hurtful I know.
OM (the other man) & I talked all the time.. started slowly and 10 months in we had sex…6 times. The words love & a future were discussed. We had unsuccessful breakups. In fact, if I didn’t get caught I probably would’ve continued even though it was killing me.
I feel awful for hurting my H, had an “aha” moment realizing that I do really love him, learning it’s easy to tell someone you love them when your H is secure. My affair was a symptom of something wrong in our marriage.
6 months ago I told H I wasn’t happy & went to counseling.. helpful on certain levels but I didn’t tell him about the affair. He asked me if I was having an emo/full blown affair with someone, and I said no. My H and I had a lot of sex during this time and I only had a little email contact with OM. However, I did sleep with OM in June as I took the day off.. it would be the last time & then we would try to break it off. Before this always the good wife.
I don’t feel emo secure with my H. He has cut people out of his life. He & mom didn’t speak for 5 years over something trivial. He is a great person, but he expects perfection from himself and those around him.
After my affair was out, my H told me about his own philandering… 4th year of marriage had an affair.. more than just physical, but he didn’t speak of love. She got too close he ended it. We had just bought a house, getting pregnant with first child. Years later another affair w/ a woman half his age. Also physical…she developed feelings, but he didn’t for her.
My H & OM become friends & cheated together. H had about 6 affairs.. 2 before OM and 4 while w/OM. OM was far worse than my H. OM was a bad influence on my husband. My H felt guilty and did it because he wanted to feel like “the man.” He is insecure due to a HS/college relationship. He met with her the other day to resolve some issues with.. it was helpful.
He said I never made him feel like I lusted for him. He didn’t want to hurt me by telling me but said what you do sexually with your wife is different than with your girlfriend. We had a good sex life he admits. This was to build his ego. He went to a priest who said not to tell me due to the pain it would cause. He stopped but tried 2 times to meet up with women while w/ OM.
At the same time my relationship was beginning with OM. We both agree that if my relationship with OM never began, my H may have continued. Before my affair with OM, H denied an affair when I found viagara/trogan in jacket. Since January my H’s relationship with OM has dwindled for 2 reasons: 1) OM’s wife felt that her husband and my husband spent too much time together 2) OM was secretly seeing me. My H is upset with himself for letting this man get close to me.
We are in counseling. We love each other. We talk more openly now than ever. He thinks my affair was worse than what he did and I agree because it was his friend. H is very angry with me. We can get past this and try really hard, and put egos aside. He feels he can’t yet still talks to me about it and has agreed to counseling. We’ve had a HUGE communication problem.. we went elsewhere instead of to each other. OM’s wife doesn’t know. My H and OM spoke since this happened/friendship is over. OM and I haven’t had any contact. Is there any hope?