Hi,

I have lived with a man 21 years older than me for the past 6 years. I'm 29. We have a 5 year old together, and I also have a 9 year old boy. The two recognize each other as father/son.

We became pregnant, moved in together, and have stuck it out. So we never fell in love we kind of grew into it. In fact, I have never been in love, and I am sad when I think about that.

There are tons of things I could share, but I have one major problem/complaint. He has always been very selfish in the bedroom. For the first 5 years, he would only "handle my business" once a month or so; only because I complained each month. Last summer, I told him I wasn't going to mention it again and I didn't. Two months went by before he even tried to touch me. And another 2 after that. I turned him away because I was so angry it took him so long to want to. We never did stop having sex. This went on for 5 months before I finally spoke up. I am at a point where I don't fight with him, and I also don't feel like I care if we get fixed or not.

We seem like a perfectly fine couple. We don't fight or yell at each other.

I no longer want to have sex. I have no drive, not even with myself. He now thinks that he can chest fix this but after 5 years of that... He is just a selfish person and I don't think he is capable of changing that. I really don't want him touching me anyway. I take care of his "business" quickly so that he doesn't want to take care of mine. I'm only 29. I'm not going to live this way forever. I do plan on leaving one day. My question is this:

Would it be selfish of me to take the kids and move out? Because of my low income, we would have to move into a tiny place. We currently rent a large home. It would take a few more years of raises to be able to afford something decent sized. And the fact that my son recognizes him as a father makes this decision much harder...

Should I wait until the kids are older?

I really just don't know what to do and I have no one to talk to about it.

Please help!

Liz

How well do the two of you communicate about everything including sex? Have you considered trying couple's counseling or a marriage class to learn other ways of communicating about stressful subjects?

I won't say that it would be 'selfish' but I do wonder about your expectations. Do you hold back from 'falling in love' with him? Do you have realistic expectations of being in love?

Romance novels, movies, and Disney have distorted perceptions of what falling in love is really like. I caution young women to have a more open mind about how love feels and how gentle it can be. While it is difficult to miss fireworks and bonfires, the spreading warmth of a candle's glow can often be missed.

I am not quite clear what you mean by 'your business' and 'his business'. If you are having sex together, then it is 'mutual' and should be pleasure instead of 'business'. Have you tried sitting down and discussing what is wrong with him? Not accusing, demanding, begging, etc. but picking a time when you aren't in the bedroom and aren't expecting sexual contact and discussing the issues?

While your lack of interest may be due to the past, it may also have a physical cause. It might be worth your time and energy to make certain you are healthy and not dealing with any medical/medication issues.

If you are not invested in this relationship, then you are doing more harm by staying than moving into a smaller place would cause.

Good grief.

You would divorce your husband, and break up your family, because your sex life isn't very good? Are you kidding me?

You wait for him to initiate sex, and it has reached a point that when he does, you get his business over with so he doesn't bother with you. Or something like that. So what are you saying- he is incapable of reading your mind? He can't have a conversation about your lack of sexual satisfaction?

Or is it more you don't speak up, and let things fester and bother you to a point where you're thinking of making a decision that will affect the lives of your children, ALL of their lives.

Marriage is no cake walk. If you are unhappy, get help. Seek counselling. Communicate your needs, learn to realize that your sex life isn't exactly going to happen without work- just like any other part of your marriage.

If you had posted that you have already ruled out any physical problems, or obvious stress issues like job loss, illness, and that you have tried to get marriage counselling, or there are substance problems, physical abuse, and he's on porn 24/7, and is a terrible man with no hope, then I would advise differently, for any and/or all of the above.

But, your problems need help, and I don't see that you've done anything other than complain.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Good grief.

You would divorce your husband, and break up your family, because your sex life isn't very good? Are you kidding me?

You wait for him to initiate sex, and it has reached a point that when he does, you get his business over with so he doesn't bother with you. Or something like that. So what are you saying- he is incapable of reading your mind? He can't have a conversation about your lack of sexual satisfaction?

Or is it more you don't speak up, and let things fester and bother you to a point where you're thinking of making a decision that will affect the lives of your children, ALL of their lives.

Marriage is no cake walk. If you are unhappy, get help. Seek counselling. Communicate your needs, learn to realize that your sex life isn't exactly going to happen without work- just like any other part of your marriage.

If you had posted that you have already ruled out any physical problems, or obvious stress issues like job loss, illness, and that you have tried to get marriage counselling, or there are substance problems, physical abuse, and he's on porn 24/7, and is a terrible man with no hope, then I would advise differently, for any and/or all of the above.

But, your problems need help, and I don't see that you've done anything other than complain.

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You haven't seen me do anything other than "complain" because I've made one other post. Thanks for making me feel uncomfortable posting on this forum. I hope you aren't a real "expert".

I'll take my complaints elsewhere. Please feel free to close this thread. Thanks.

I think I understand where you're at with this.

First I would suggest that you both do counseling to see if you can straighten things up. With any luck, that works. Maybe not though.

So then you get to the point of what you're asking here. From what I'm seeing, it seems to me like there may be a little more to all of this... in your mind at least. It seems that you are just not happy. All of this happened and you moved in with a much older man when you were still very young. Maybe the chemistry was never there and never really was going to be there but you felt like you needed to move in with him. Years have gone by and now you're looking back on it all and you just aren't happy with your situation and your life. I do understand this. If counseling doesn't work, you have to decide if it is worth it to you to try and be happy. You shouldn't have to live with someone if you're not happy with them.

This is a very serious question: Is this post representative of how you communicate with your partner?

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Originally Posted by emerald83

You haven't seen me do anything other than "complain" because I've made one other post. Thanks for making me feel uncomfortable posting on this forum. I hope you aren't a real "expert".

I'll take my complaints elsewhere. Please feel free to close this thread. Thanks.

---

Getting defensive isn't a good way to get advice or help whether here or anywhere else.

That response makes me think you are looking for someone to tell you that it is okay to just pick up and leave without looking at all the alternatives. If you want to runaway from here or your relationship no one can stop you. However, if you don't take time to examine what your expectations in a relationship are and how realistic those expectations are, you are going to end up doing the same things over and over again.

Moving on because the relationship isn't working and no one is content or happy isn't 'selfish'. Focusing on only the 'complaints' while ignoring the 'positives' to build a case for looking for 'love' with someone else borders on being 'selfish'. Moving out and actively looking for a 'love' that meets unrealistic expectations and dragging your children through the process could be seen as 'selfish'.

Talk to a counselor. Make certain that you aren't hurting the relationship because it isn't what you expected or wanted. All relationships take a lot of work and compromise. Have you really tried or on some level (maybe not consciously) have you been sabotaging it?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

This is a very serious question: Is this post representative of how you communicate with your partner?



Getting defensive isn't a good way to get advice or help whether here or anywhere else.

That response makes me think you are looking for someone to tell you that it is okay to just pick up and leave without looking at all the alternatives. If you want to runaway from here or your relationship no one can stop you. However, if you don't take time to examine what your expectations in a relationship are and how realistic those expectations are, you are going to end up doing the same things over and over again.

Moving on because the relationship isn't working and no one is content or happy isn't 'selfish'. Focusing on only the 'complaints' while ignoring the 'positives' to build a case for looking for 'love' with someone else borders on being 'selfish'. Moving out and actively looking for a 'love' that meets unrealistic expectations and dragging your children through the process could be seen as 'selfish'.

Talk to a counselor. Make certain that you aren't hurting the relationship because it isn't what you expected or wanted. All relationships take a lot of work and compromise. Have you really tried or on some level (maybe not consciously) have you been sabotaging it?

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Wow, you people seem to make up your own stories when responding. I never said or implied ANY of that. I did not have time to list everything; only my NUMBER ONE CONCERN. You don't know if there's abuse of any kind. Or ANYTHING. Anyone listed as an "expert" should already know this. Very basic.

I talk to my doctor one time. He suggested I leave. I talked to my best friend. She suggested I leave. I came here asking for advice. I was immediately attacked. Yes, by the way, that would make somebody defensive.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emerald83

Hi,

I have lived with a man 21 years older than me for the past 6 years. I'm 29. We have a 5 year old together, and I also have a 9 year old boy. The two recognize each other as father/son.

We became pregnant, moved in together, and have stuck it out. so we never fell in love we kind of grew into it. In fact, I have never been in love, and I am sad when I think about that.

There are tons of things I could share, but I have one major problem/complaint. He has always been very selfish in the bedroom. For the first 5 years, he would only "handle my business" once a month or so; only because I complained each month. Last summer, I told him I wasn't going to mention it again and I didn't. Two months went by before he even tried to touch me. And another 2 after that. I turned him away because I was so angry it took him so long to want to. We never did stop having sex. This went on for 5 months before I finally spoke up. I am at a point where I don't fight with him, and I also don't feel like I care if we get fixed or not.

We seem like a perfectly fine couple. We don't fight or yell at each other.

I no longer want to have sex. I have no drive, not even with myself. he now thinks that he can chest fix this but after 5 years of that... He is just a selfish person and I don't think he is capable of changing that. I really don't want him touching me anyways. I take care of his "business" quickly so that he doesn't want to take care of mine. I'm only 29. I'm not going to live this way forever. I do plan on leaving one day. My question is this:

Would it be selfish of me to take the kids and move out? Becuase of my low income, we would have to move into a tiny place. We currently rent a large home. It would take a few more years of raises to be able to afford something decent sized. And the fact that my son recognizes him as a father makes this decision much harder....

Should I wait until the kids are older?

I really just don't know what to do and I have no one to talk to about it.

Please help!

Liz

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If there is no LOVE then there is no RELATIONSHIP and NEVER will be happy!

DO NOT ever stay in it for the kids it hurts them more in the long run.. I am walking proof of that!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emerald83

Wow, you people seem to make up your own stories when responding. I never said or implied ANY of that. I did not have time to list everything; only my NUMBER ONE CONCERN. You don't know if there's abuse of any kind. Or ANYTHING. Anyone listed as an "expert" should already know this. Very basic.

I talk to my doctor one time. He suggested I leave. I talked to my best friend. She suggested I leave. I came here asking for advice. I was immediately attacked. Yes, by the way, that would make somebody defensive.

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If there were abuse in the relationship, it should be your 'number one' concern instead of him being selfish in bed. If there is abuse, then get out. Don't play games with the 'am I selfish' card. Do what you know is right and best for you and your children.

However, if there isn't any abuse and you are throwing that word out there to gain sympathy for your cause, then stop and take a long hard look at where you are and what you want. Think about what you have actually put into the relationship versus what you expect to get out of it. Learn from this relationship what changes you need to make so that you have a better understanding of what you want and how to compromise with a partner to get it.

As for being attacked, how did my first post attack you? You are correct in that I don't know the full story. I know only what you tell me and you haven't said much other than talk about not being in love and not being satisfied in bed. Based on those 'facts', I am not going to tell you to disrupt your life and your children's lives without giving it more thought.

I don't know what you told your doctor. I don't know what your friend knows. I don't know if either one of them were being serious or telling you what they thought you wanted to hear.

You may not believe this, but all I really want is what is best for you and your children. The last thing I want to see is you and your children unhappy or hurting. That is why I keep talking about expectations and asking how realistic yours are. What are your expectations for the present and the future?

My expectations are to be happy as an individual. We had a very calm talk about this last week. He bought me a 'hang in there' card and no other conversion has been had...

Ok, I'm not a relationship expert... but, I am very close to you in age, and I have just a few things to make you stop and think...
1) you mentioned that you know " you will be leaving one day".
2) you are very dissatisfied sexually
3) you have never been in love

Remember these words... because they are not only words, they are thoughts... which are feelings. You have already made your decision. Why wait? Do you know what will make you happy? If so, do it. And do it now. You are 29. They say 20's are for figuring life out, and 30's are for living. So go live. In respect of your children, be there for them and try to do the best by them, but know- that the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. Good luck. The decision is yours.

Emerald83, I read all posts in the thread, and sorry to say, but I will have to agree with some others here that your responses have been unreasonably defensive towards members who are honestly trying to give an objective insight and solution to your problem, in other words are trying to help you with YOUR problem that YOU have posted yourself.

Seen from both Cat1864's and Jake2008's responses to me they did provide you objective advice in an 'expert' manner. Askmehelpdesk.com works on a reputation based system, meaning that when members provide answers they receive reputation points when someone marks their answer as helpful. Considering the many points that they have means A LOT of people have found their advice helpful, and realising that helpful answers require time, consideration, thought and insight, you can thus label their proven reputation status as 'expert'. Sorry, but it had to be said.

Now to your situation, have you been able to talk things over with your SO? Is there any progress? Have you made a decision yet or are you working things out?