My Mother in law lies about everything, she can never make up her mind about "simp;e" things... like how to do her hair etc... she is very controlling and hurtful she will throw in "digs" at me like telling me I'm the only "smith" last name... changed of course, that smokes, we were at her other son's beach house, everyone was drinking wine, my husband got mad at me because I was telling a funny story, he ran up into the bedroom. I came after him, he walked away from me, then everyone with wineglasses in their hands were ready to go out on the boat but she tried to pull my glass out of my hand, I resisted.. then she said I was causing a scene... so I stayed back... she has opinions on everyone but doesn'' know how to live her own life, and I feel my husband is confused, ever since this incident my husband has been very cold to me, actually whenever we have family get togethers with my in laws, his personality changes towards me... giving me the cold shoulder... I feel something is up with his relationship with not only her but his father also... and it all falls on me... any thoughts? Please I need help

So he will not stand up for you ? Has you asked him not to go to events with her there.
How about just telling her how you feel even if it makes a scene. How about not taking things from her, standing up for yourself. Don't let her stop you, from doing things.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

So he will not stand up for you ? has you asked him not to go to events with her there.
How about just telling her how you feel even if it makes a scene. How about not taking things from her, standing up for your self. Dont let her stop you, from doing things.

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The problem is.. if I talk bad about her, even if I do it gently he will BLOW up, and not talk to me for weeks, and make it look like it's my fault because in his eyes, she is perfect, and if I speak to her in private, the WHOLE world (family) will know, she gets on the phone and talks to everyone about everyone all the time, we have two kids, Im trying to keep this peaceful here, but in the mean time, I'm suffering.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

So he will not stand up for you ? has you asked him not to go to events with her there.
How about just telling her how you feel even if it makes a scene. How about not taking things from her, standing up for your self. Dont let her stop you, from doing things.

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Also the blow up before was because I was smoking an E cig in my own home! She prented to cough" he got pissed at me and told me "can't u see that's bothering my mother"... so I put it away, well we didn't talk for 3 weeks and he slept on the couch just for that!

Have you considered marriage counseling? If he won't go, you can go on your own and perhaps learn new ways of handling the issues. It would also give you a place to get your feelings and thoughts out in safe way.

Do you mind sharing how old your children are and how the 'family' situation is affecting them? Does your husband acknowledge that there are problems in the marriage?

Give him an open invitation to attend counseling with you. Be honest with him that you are concerned about the future if things continue the way they are now.

Do you love your husband? Do you want the marriage to survive because of love and out of duty to provide a 'two-parent' home for your children?

Let us FORGET the personal issue with your Mother in law Katy; she is not going to change, she does not have too and it does not matter in the scheme of things; unless you want to go blue in the face. Because the real issue is with you and your husband, in the way he reacts and responds in your presents... Clearly if his personality changes towards you around his Mother and Father like this; to opt to sleep on the couch, BLOW up, not talk for 3 weeks etc. because you did something to upset his perfect Mother, he then either has his priorities all wrong or suffers from a lack of backbone to support his wife! Nonetheless, he may not be the confrontational type in other areas and have a temperament to sulk like a child??

From experience; this would take delicate handling to resolve. Firstly you have to clear your thinking… Are your funny stories appropriate and are you justified by smoking in your own home – YES or NO? I would say yes! Are you responsible for his childish reactions? On the face of it, NO! His choice of behaviour towards you has been set in his system; in his up bringing long before you came along. Please understand; if his Mother is controlling its no wonder he grew up with a warped responsibility to his wife. Hence it is up to you to set the new ground rules of emotional support etc. Just as a curiosity, how do you think he reacted as a child with her; did he go off and sulk in his room and take it out on a sibling or friend/pet?

Obviously when something upsets him and or his family, he does not know how to communicate politely like the rest of us do, and there is a tendency to brave up when they are around and sulk/punish with you. As you know counselling has been suggested and it will be worth it. Stay in there and see if he opens up to the root of his problem.

I so much apprciate the advice, yes, there were problems in his home growing up... father was an alcoholic, sp? And would yell at my m in law, my husband was the only "kid" in the home to stick around to make sure she was OK... she said all the other children would "split" when the Dad came home, now he is a recovered alcoholic.. but still drinks very expensive wine, with the fam... he makes smart remarks out of the blue... they are Christians now, for the most part good people, but I can see their imperfections, (mostly because they're aimed at me)... and I am not perfect but I try SO hard, I am always the one to talk to my husband after a fight, even if I feel the whole thing wasn't my fault to begin with. Every time we are with the in laws, he gets mad at me for a stupid reason, I would love to go to counling, He will not, and I just might do it myself, but it will cost $ and he will get more mad at me for spending the $... my kids are teenagers, they both totally get my point of view without me saying a WORD! They see it!

They also see how my m in law treats me, then she acts like nothing ever happened two seconds later, I have no doubt that she suffers from some type of mental illness,. she's very very very nosey, I forgot to mention, that she went through all my luggage while we were on vacation.

Cat yes I do love my husband unconditionally, some of the things he's done and said really mess with my mind... and the hurt is there... just when I think everything is OK and I forgive him. Something else will piss him off, usually after an encounter with the in laws.

Also, she does NOT believe in any medication what so ever, I made the big mistake on telling her about my off the all blood pressure, she tried to tell me that the Doc s blood press monitor is wrong, my doc put me on blood pressure meds, and I'm sure when she went through my luggage she found them.

As Angie wisely noted, this isn't about your MIL, it's about your husband. I'm sure you can write a book about her, and many have been there, because many MILs are jealous of anyone who gets near their darling sons, never mind all the rest of it.
I would tell him that you both go to couple counseling (which isn't picking sides, it's training in how to communicate needs and solve differences) or you will take a break from all family gatherings until he agrees to go. But you need to mean that if you say it. I don't know how attached you are to such events for the other people there.
I suppose there's a weak third option - steer clear of her as best you can.

I app all the input, but there is no way he will go to counseling, sp? I am trying to avoid her the best that I can, but if I avoid all occasions, it will put more stress on my imidiate family and on us as a couple... I am also perplexed as she hurts my feelings all the time, I don't want to be near her, I've known her for over 25 years and I get the feeling she doesn't trust me, and it hurts me BAD, she wouldn't trust me in the vac home by myself, everyone was going to a car show I wanted to stay back and sunbath, so SHE decides to stay back also, there's other occasions where she did similar things, when SHE is the one not to be trusted , she went through my luggage and has done similar things to others... she's passing judgement on others for things SHE does!