Hello all,

Just wanted some honest non-bias opinions if possible. So I have been technically living with my brother for the last 5 years, but sleeping at my girlfriends apt off and on for a few days out the week. However, my job is 2 seconds from my apartment with my brother. My girlfriend also lives close to her job. She has a 1 bedroom studio.

My brother recently got offered a job in a different state and was told he needed to be down there in 2 weeks. The apartment we share is a 3 bedroom luxurious apartment on a golf course view seconds away from malls, etc. My credit is horrible due to the economy so the lease has always been in my brother's name. I am just listed as an occupant. My girlfriends apartment is listing in her name. I am not an occupant on there. My brother asked me if I wanted to take over the rent and have my girlfriend move in and we could have a bigger place, and entertain etc. We are quite cramped in her apartment.

She got upset stating it was too far her to drive to work (30 minutess), but I have doing this from area for the past 5 years. I didn't think she would be this way. Because my credit was shot, and it was a last minute move that he needed to be out of here by, I did not want to lose this apartment, being uncertain if I would be able to find a decent apartment with bad credit. My credit is slowing improving as I am back to work. Her credit is shot. I knew that I did NOT want to live there and that be it. She pays $600 now. I told her if she moved in, she would only have to pay $390. I was being quite generous as the rent is 3 times as high as that.

She then took it upon her self to resign her least for another year after my offer. Now every time we go out with her friends, she bashes me, saying I abandoned her, etc and now she's all alone playing the pity party. Now every time I ask a question, she says smart things like "you would have known if you were still here".

The issue I have is that I made an offer. This apartment has been on a month to month lease for the past 5 years. It was my goal to not sign over a full lease, and continue the month to month, so that we can then sooner or later look for something else that we BOTH want. She could have signed a month to month lease at her apartment, or even a six month one to give time to decide. Now that she signed a full year, she is complaining I'm never around etc.

She has a car that runs fully well. She has been over here many times. We can do fun things here like go for peaceful walks, barb-Que, site-see etc.There is not much going on over there where she is at and all we do is drink drink and more drinking with her friends who come over, and then pass out. That's not living to me. That's existing. I understand the job situation is now the other way around were she is 30 minutes away and I'm now 5, but am I missing something here? Is there any type of compromise? Even NOW I'm still over there often, and she rarely comes over here and got mad this evening that I didn't come over there. My gas is LOW.

The kicker is she has musical rehearsal on my side of town every day. Any suggestions, I am open

Well from my point of view, she pretty much just put you on the spot. That isn't exactly fair. And I don't believe in the whole "the man of the relationship has to do all the sacrificing". NO, it's 50/50. So I would say she's being a little too irrational. I would hate it if my girlfriend put me on the spot like that especially with something as serious as living arrangements which, ironically, was an easy fix in this case. You could have both gone half way in this compromise.

Thanks for your reply. I know it was last minute for her to decide, but she was reaching the end of her lease and had a full month to think it over. I guess re-signing her lease for another year was the answer. So all this I abandoned her is pure garbage. She made the decision to re-sign her lease which now raises her rent even hire. Now she's upset that I can't help her pay some of her bills, as I have a full load myself now due to her not wanting to move here. 8 years is a long time to be with someone, but this is going to end this relationship eventually. I get tired of the non-sense and sarcasm

You made a 'generous offer.' 'She then took it upon her self to resign her least for another year after my offer.'

I don't see anywhere where you waited for her decision, but instead just assumed that your 390 was so much better than 600 that she would take it. You also made assumptions about the long term. Not a wise move.

You each have your reasons for doing what you did, and neither can judge the other. If you don't like it, break up with her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

You made a 'generous offer.' 'She then took it upon her self to go ahead and resign her least for another year after my offer.'

I don't see anywhere where you waited for her decision, but instead just assumed that your 390 was so much better than 600 that she would take it. You also made assumptions about the long term. Not a wise move.

You each have your reasons for doing what you did, and neither can judge the other. If you don't like it, break up with her.

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Joypuly, I did wait for her decision. She re-signed her lease. That was her decision. I had nothing to sign. I was already on a lease. I didn't give her a deadline. She re-signed her lease on her own. That point I'm making is this. She resigned her lease on her own. Therefore, I don't want to hear any whining about I'm abandoning her and so forth. Because I did not. You can't expect me to want to stay there. Both of your credit sucks, and there was nothing else to do at the time. I'm on a month to month. That means no commitment. When you commit to another year, anything can happen. You lose your job, etc, your landlord does not care. You are paying the remainder of that lease.

So my point is this. Again, I'm perfectly OK for what she did. But the whining about abandonment and things like that can be preached to someone else. Not me. I am not at fault

OK. It sounds like you two just aren't compatible any more, nor or you with her friends. And this became more apparent because you can't shell out ready cash as easily for her, her place, etc, now that you are paying for a 3 bedroom apt all by yourself.
So.. I suppose it's time to think about breaking up. Unless you want to get 2 roommates and try to salvage the relationship... we don't have a lot to go on...

Hi, I just want to start by checking something that doesn't sound right in the other answers.

You are with this girl for 8 years right? You have been committed to her and she to you (for real) for at least the past 5 years in which you kept going regularly seeing her, right?

So why is everyone so light about your present-day distress (and fight?) and just go and say things like "breaking up"?

It's not something like "change your closet if you need a makeover". I mean, the first thing bothering you in this situation is that you feel frustrated because you want to reach a compromise and move forward, living with her I mean. Right?

Of course she's being unreasonable. I would call her a nasty name in the first glance, but...

I don't know if I'll make any sense next but... maybe she don't feel safe in any other environments than her house or don't see how you too can be a real couple living together... Some people find excuses in their own minds in order to not move forward. Having you stay in the house for a couple of days per week allowed her to live an empowering emotion - the "boyfriend in the house" syndrome. Put yourself in her shoes. Will you go to the trouble of moving just like that? I guess she was playing safe by grabbing her apartment for another year.

There's also the lack of romance in just going to the house were you lived with your brother. It’s not like you too are getting "your house". I know, it's just impossible right now for young people to do that. One has to deal with the economy lack of romantic spirit. But have you though that this might have crossed her mind? Assure her that you too can make the house be "your house". Doing something like painting it together or selling some furniture and finding other on second hand markets…

If you want to take action and set things right both in your relation and in your housing issues, just Communicate. I wrote it with capital C because there are something’s to take into consideration: chose the right moment, preferably after a god feeling like a relaxed date or her receiving a good news; choose friendly words and express your desire to be able to develop your relation even before the sentence "so I really want us not to argue about this, let's just talk about the decisions we have been making about it..."; and then choose the time to reach a final agreement. This last one is really difficult, because it might sound like you are talking about a death line. But it means that you and her have to find peace with whatever you decide instead of just keep getting even more angry about it and eventually just be an and betray each other.
(I’m not from an English speaking country so sorry for eventual grammar mistake)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ICM

Hi, I just want to start by checking something that doesn't sound right in the other answers.

You are with this girl for 8 years right? You have been committed to her and she to you (for real) for at least the past 5 years in which you kept going regularly seeing her, right?

So why is everyone so light about your present-day distress (and fight?) and just go and say things like "breaking up"?

It's not something like "change your closet if you need a makeover". I mean, the first thing bothering you in this situation is that you feel frustrated because you want to reach a compromise and move forward, living with her I mean. Right?

Of course she's being unreasonable. I would call her a nasty name in the first glance, but...

I don't know if I'll make any sense next but... maybe she don't feel safe in any other environments than her house or don't see how you too can be a real couple living together... Some people find excuses in their own minds in order to not move forward. Having you stay in the house for a couple of days per week allowed her to live an empowering emotion - the "boyfriend in the house" syndrome. Put yourself in her shoes. Will you go to the trouble of moving just like that? I guess she was playing safe by grabbing her apartment for another year.

There's also the lack of romance in just going to the house were you lived with your brother. It’s not like you too are getting "your house". I know, it's just impossible right now for young people to do that. One has to deal with the economy lack of romantic spirit. But have you though that this might have crossed her mind? Assure her that you too can make the house be "your house". Doing something like painting it together or selling some furniture and finding other on second hand markets…

If you want to take action and set things right both in your relation and in your housing issues, just Communicate. I wrote it with capital C because there are something’s to take into consideration: chose the right moment, preferably after a god feeling like a relaxed date or her receiving a good news; choose friendly words and express your desire to be able to develop your relation even before the sentence "so I really want us not to argue about this, let's just talk about the decisions we have been making about it..."; and then choose the time to reach a final agreement. This last one is really difficult, because it might sound like you are talking about a death line. But it means that you and her have to find peace with whatever you decide instead of just keep getting even more angry about it and eventually just be an and betray each other.
(I’m not from an English speaking country so sorry for eventual grammar mistake)

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Thank you ICM for your prompt reply. I would say you are more on point. Her reasoning for not wanting to move is because she has always lived 5 minutes from her job. She does not want to commute. Although I did it for over 5 years, she did take that into consideration, but that wasn't enough. She told her friend, as I was in the car listening, that when she drinks, she doesn't want to have to have a hangover or get up too early in the morning to go to work when she can just drive 2 seconds down the road. Maybe she was joking when she said this. I don't know and do not care. She made her decision, and I was never mad, nor upset. Was I surprised? Maybe a little. So I figured we could see each other sometimes throughout the week and weekend. It is her that has turned nasty because of this.

My brother was given two weeks to relocate. If your job is closing down and they are giving you an opportunity to relocate, anyone would take it. I had two weeks to let my brother know if I was going to move in with her or if I was going to remain there. Two weeks was not enough time to even SEE if would be qualified for a home, because all around these cities, you have to have good credit. Secondly, I knew I would not have the money to put down on a new place and first months rent. Third, I have tons of furniture in this apartment that I knew would not nearly fit in hers, and I don't want all this expensive furniture in storage. When you jump into something that quick and irrational, consequences happen. Maybe she thought the same thing. I am perfectly fine with that.

Again, let me be clear. I am not upset that re-signed her lease. That was her decision. What I did was my decision. It should not be any ill feelings whatsoever. When you tell your friends that you have been abandoned, you are playing 'victim'... and she was not the 'victim'. There was no 'victim'

Anymore replies from anyone??

If you are wondering why not many people are answering, let me guess. You have asked for solutions, and I offered two: break up or get roommates. You address neither and ask for more.

You complain about her in general, how she drinks, how she is claiming you abandoned her, how 8 years is a long time, how this is going to end it all, how you are tired of the nonsense and sarcasm. You haven't said one nice thing about her. Not ONE. If two people aren't communicating after 8 years, heaven help them. I'm sitting here wondering how a man and a woman go 8 years without even a hint of getting their own place. Something about this picture doesn't add up. So I'm done!

Well, last year I was the victim of domestic violence and so was a friend of mine by her during one of her drinking bouts. The police were called, she went to jail, got charged, and got probation. I had a bite mark like a zombie on the 'Walking Dead', We have obviously made up since then. Its interesting because my friends do not want to be around her, and back away from me when I am around her. When I make excused like, it only happened once, they are not trying to hear that. It sucks because when I'm hanging with my friends I can't bring her around, I basically have to hang with both separate. I'm not going to pick and chose. I can understand both side. I'm also very forgiving. My friends have every right to feel the way they do, as one of them was one of the ones that also got attacked during this same incident. I had plans at that time to move together and back then when my credit was excellent, but that incident put a halt on things, especially since she was ordered to have no contact with me or the other person she attacked. I do have my own mind, but when you constantly are advised from friends and family to get the drinking under control first, or else it will happen again, you really don't know which way to go but I knew I did not want to move and then get into it and not have any place to go