Ask Me Help Desk - Husband cheated with men... what now?

I found out three weeks ago that my husband has been sexually active with men over the past 8 years. We have been married for 28 years and have children. We spend most of our time together enjoying many shared activities.He was going to a bookstore,during his lunchbreak. There he watched porn and played with men. He told me because he contracted an std. Now he wants to stay with me and give up his "urges" . This is further complicated because he met one man in particular and has gone to his house a couple times a month for the past 5 years and had sex.
He is going to therapy. I will not even try going to therapy until he knows himself better and I feel there could be a reason to try.
Can he ever be trusted ?

So how old are the kids? How has your sex life been for the last five years?

I don't think you can trust him. The saving grace here is that he came clean when he wasn't. I think the reason that he wants to go to therapy and stay together is so that he doesn't lose you. You're something stable in his life.

Unfortunately he can't have his cake after he's eaten it. You guys need to decide if you can still be together at this point. He has some bi-sexual tendencies and part of the original deal was you don't stray outside of the marriage. I think several serious conversations need to be had. Including whether you're okay with him exploring his bi-sexual side. What the rules for that are. Whether the marriage will continue. All that fun stuff.

I am sorry, but I don't envy the place that you're in right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by broken wife

I found out three weeks ago that my husband has been sexually active with men over the past 8 years. We have been married for 28 years and have children. We spend most of our time together enjoying many shared activities.He was going to a bookstore,during his lunchbreak. There he watched porn and played with men. He told me because he contracted an std. Now he wants to stay with me and give up his "urges" . This is further complicated because he met one man in particular and has gone to his house a couple times a month for the past 5 years and had sex.
He is going to therapy. I will not even try going to therapy until he knows himself better and I feel there could be a reason to try.
Can he ever be trusted ?

Just so I understand - are you more upset because he cheated with a man or because he cheated - ?

As far as you going or not going to therapy I would do it for myself. Let him do whatever works for him. You need help and support in order to get through this.

I don't know if a man's urge to be with another woman is stronger or less strong than his urge to be with another man.

I'm an investigator - I have found one group of men cheats once or for a period, the "urge" passes, they stay faithful; the other group cheats and will never change. Only you know which group he falls into.

I would be VERY upset that he brought a STD home to you and your children. That is reckless, careless and stupid. Maybe he didn't care about his own health. He should have cared about yours.

I was cheated on, and I was more upset about the lying and betrayal than I was about the affair. I know that sounds backwards, but I realized that even if I could trust him not to cheat I couldn't trust him not to lie. He looked me in the face day after day and lied!

I think you need to talk to someone - without him.

So he is bi sexual, that is a phoney excuse to cheat, cheating is cheating, if it is a man, a women or a farm animal, his "sexual orientation" is not an excuse to cheat if they are married.

Less time trying to accept and more time in divorce court is what you need>

Thank you for the comments. I am having a difficult time more because of the cheating than the man part. Our sex life hasn't been bad over the last 5 years, yet I felt he has been somewhat disconnected in our day to day life. We have always been the couple that does everything together (his choice). I have friends but he never seemed to be interested. He claims there is no other connection with these men all have been anonymous except the one. He considers him to be a friend. I am just struggling to make sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

So how old are the kids? How has your sex life been for the last five years?

I don't think you can trust him. The saving grace here is that he came clean when he wasn't. I think the reason that he wants to go to therapy and stay together is so that he doesn't lose you. You're something stable in his life.

Unfortunately he can't have his cake after he's eaten it. You guys need to decide if you can still be together at this point. He has some bi-sexual tendencies and part of the original deal was you don't stray outside of the marriage. I think several serious conversations need to be had. Including whether or not you're okay with him exploring his bi-sexual side. What the rules for that are. Whether or not the marriage will continue. All that fun stuff.

I am sorry, but I don't envy the place that you're in right now.

I appreciated your reply. It has been a few weeks and we are still together. He is waiting for a therapist who specializes in this matter to become available(should be by Sept.) I am trying to use this time to put my feelings into place. Our sex life has only been bad the last year. My interest in him had really started to decline because I felt his lack of interest in our family, home and me. We felt like good friends but I felt no desire. We have had a decent amount of sex only when initiated by him and it was actually good once I relaxed.
He didn't travel or stay "late at work" he was taking long lunches at work. I was shocked at the lengths he went to to hide this.
We have been very physical lately - no sex because he needs to be cleared - and open about our sexual needs. He can't come to grips with why he did this to me and doesn't think he would ever do it again. He promised me if he felt any urges at all he would let me know and we would end our marriage. I have agreed not to rush into any separation until I am sure that is what I want. It is very scary at 53 years old to start over and I need to make sure that is not the reason I am willing to try. I am not sure if I really believe a person can be bisexual. I am trying to figure out if this is a homosexual cover. He truly seems to be interested in me sexually but how does one know for sure. If there are signs I need to be watchful of I would like to know. Don't think I can stand to be deceived twice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by broken wife

I appreciated your reply. It has been a few weeks and we are still together. He is waiting for a therapist who specializes in this matter to become available(should be by Sept.) I am trying to use this time to put my feelings into place. Our sex life has only been bad the last year. My interest in him had really started to decline because I felt his lack of interest in our family, home and me. We felt like good friends but I felt no desire. We have had a decent amount of sex only when initiated by him and it was actually good once I relaxed.
He didn't travel or stay "late at work" he was taking long lunches at work. I was shocked at the lengths he went to to hide this.
We have been very physical lately - no sex because he needs to be cleared - and open about our sexual needs. He can't come to grips with why he did this to me and doesn't think he would ever do it again. He promised me if he felt any urges at all he would let me know and we would end our marriage. I have agreed not to rush into any separation until I am sure that is what I want. It is very scary at 53 years old to start over and I need to make sure that is not the reason I am willing to try. I am not sure if I really believe a person can be bisexual. I am trying to figure out if this is a homosexual cover. He truly seems to be interested in me sexually but how does one know for sure. If there are signs I need to be watchful of I would like to know. Don't think I can stand to be deceived twice.

Oh the youngest children are 16 and 14.

I would not trust him and I would be scared a heck for you kids, especially if any of them are boys. He is only going through therapy cause he got caught. It in him already, if this was going on for 8 years, he likes it a lot and chances of him giving it up are slim in my opinion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by f010244

I would not trust him and I would be scared a heck for you kids, especially if any of them are boys. He is only going through therapy cause he got caught. It in him already, if this was going on for 8 years, he likes it a lot and chances of him giving it up are slim in my opinion.

If the husband is bisexual or homosexual that most definitely does NOT mean he will assault his children or any other children - and I think that's where you are going here.

There is a BIG difference between your sexual orientation and being a pedophile.