Hi, I don't know if anyone is out there and I assume not because I will never find someone who understands me but my name is Matt and I am suicidal. I do a good job in hiding it as I do have friends, but only at school none of them ever try to contact me so I am alone. I am married and have 2 boys but I am not good enough for them and I know it. I can never hold a job because I'm an idiot whose mouth always ruins things, my wife works to support us but I can tell she is getting tired of it. I want to die because I have money that is tied up between me and the ers that brought me into this world so I believe if I die they will be taken care of, I think I could be better but I am so alone. I'm ready to die but I still want to keep fighting, I am a fighter beyond what anyone 1 person will even know. Sometimes I sit around and record messages on my phone for my boys in case I die they will someday understand why. Can anyone help me? Or should I just accept the fate and fade into the darkness.

Matt:

Get some professional help. Learn why you blurt things and lose your employment. Death is not the answer and only hurts those you love. In the meantime, do all you can to support the household while your wife works. Learn to use coupons and save money every way you can. There are no rules that says a man has to be the bread winner anymore. You CAN be a homemaker. That's OK too.

You've found somebody that understands you. I was good at hiding my suicidal tendencies as well. Sometimes you just see no way out of the situation of life you are in... you don't see how anything could change for the better. But let me tell, it can pass and things can and do get better. I'm living proof. I don't know or care what you have done to think you are not a good enough father, but the fact that you think that shows you are worthy of their love for you as their father. We're not perfect... and life isn't about being perfect.

There is a void in you that is very empty... that makes you look even more closely at things that shouldn't be nitpicked about. I'll tell you, the moment I realized Jesus Christ loved me for who I was (not who I needed to be) was the day things all brightened... and it was a VERY dark cloud over my life. There is hope my friend... you say you're a fighter... then fight for it.

Matt, this time in your life shall too pass just as everything does.

Your sons could potentially never recover from your chosen death. What if they blame themselves? What if it ruins their lives?

If your wife felt that she was better off without you, she would be.

I agree with the previous response, seek some professional help and in the meantime, do good things for your wife. Show her you appreciate her by helping her, not by abandoning her with two children that she will have to bring through the worst pain they could ever know if you did something to hurt yourself.

Do you have a medical problem that causes you to say things ? Or is this just a anger mangemement issue.

So you hate yourself, then change yourself.

Matt..

You may not know me, and I may not know you. But I lost my parents to a drunk driver, he was drunk and he had given up on life too. He had 3 children and his wife ran off. My parents were great people. I wish I could have gotten to know them better but I know your boys would rather have you and help you through all of this then not have you at all. Where would your boys be without a father? Who would they go to when they want to ask about how to propose or how to handle their own children?
Matt..
Life isn't easy, but death. Its cold and emotionless. Life without those beautiful boys? Your wife? Life without family is the same. And I'm sorry you feel like this, I'm sorry you don't know what to do. But before you make any descions sit down and look at your boys when they go to sleep and ask yourself, is that worth it? Is ending it worth never seeing those boys smile at you, laugh with you, and call you dad.

.. ummmmm I think maybe there is just something wrong with me, I love my boys so very much, I go and give them hugs and kisses when there sleeping as I never fall asleep till about 5 am, when I get discouraged I just say ohhh well I have the power to end it, and I don't think that is healthy. I'm crying right now and I don't know why. It's very difficult anyone in person and admit I feel this way, that's why I appreciate the kind words and words if wisdom more than guys could ever comprehend!

Quote:

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you may not know me, and I may not know you. But I lost my parents to a drunk driver, he was drunk and he had given up on life too. He had 3 children and his wife ran off. My parents were great people. I wish I could have gotten to know them better but I know your boys would rather have you and help you through all of this then not have you at all. Where would your boys be without a father? Who would they go to when they want to ask about how to propose or how to handle their own children?
Matt..
Life isn't easy, but death. Its cold and emotionless. Life without those beautiful boys? Your wife? Life without family is the same. And I'm sorry you feel like this, I'm sorry you don't know what to do. But before you make any descions sit down and look at your boys when they go to sleep and ask yourself, is that worth it? Is ending it worth never seeing those boys smile at you, laugh with you, and call you dad.

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Sorry I'm new to this do I'm terrible at replying.

We just want you to know there is more life has to offer. Hang in there...

Matt..
Have you talked to doctors? I have a manic depressive bipolar disorder. I am also very depressed and I think most understand why, but I caught myself in the shower staring at a razor, as I was shaving my legs, and I threw my razor down got out soap and suds and ran to my best friends mom in my towel and told her, she took my hand and said go get dressed and she took me to the doctors. They gave me some pills, someone to talk to, but I had tricia with me and I knew it would be okay. Sometimes you have to (in my case) swallow your pride and ask for help. You took a huge step today asking for help. That's something to be proud of. You cry because you know inside you feel this way and there are people who care. Just you can't see them, we are here. You always have a friend in me Matt. And I'm always her. There will always be people here.

I haven't talked to a doctor in 12 years and they seen a few things then that they said were different, and I was like 14. I was researching the illness you suffer from and it sounds close I guess, I just get worried about how a pill may affect my mental state of mind. I moved to Florida 2 years ago from Ohio and it really brightened me up but frustration seems to make me revert and that's where I need help!