Ask Me Help Desk - I love my girl to death and I want to make it work!

:( OK guys ima give it to you straight, I'm a brotha that has a Caucasian girl friend, well had. We've been together for 4 years, I'm a Saggitarrius, and she's a Pises.
I love this girl so much! I made the mistake of trying to keep her in check by saying I want to break up, When I don't mean it at all! I never wanted to break up with her, I love her! I know, terrible thing to do, but you have to understand, she has hurt me so many times and I kept looking back at the past.But for once in my life, I'm done looking back! I want to move on with her in my life! I finally understand! I just wanted to make her see that if she lost me, what would happen. And for a while, it worked. She kept coming back.And I took her back! But then one day, everything changed. She actually wanted to break up with me. For good this time. Then everything clicked in my head. Why did I do this to her, the one I loved with a passion so deep. I must be stupid, so I pleaded with her to stay with me, but she won't. She keeps saying "I need time to think" and I keep telling her lets work through it! But she won't listen. She dwells on the past just like I did! And I told her! I said"J look, dwelling on the past has destroyed this relationship. Look at my mistakes, look at what has happened because of me looking back! Dont make the same mistake i did. Please, just let it go and lets just start ova!" But she won't. She can't let go of the past and start over with me, when its so easy, she just doesn't see it anymore, she's finally given up. I made her feel so low, we've been back and fourth struggling trying to keep our relationship alive, her mom hates me because I'm black and her family won't approve, my family up in New York loves her they think she's great but my family down south hates the fact that I'm going out with a white girl and they hate her. I love her to death and I don't care what any one thinks! But how can I try to make this work when she won't even let go of the past, she won't even try to make it work... I just wanted one more chance! I know I can make a difference! But she just wants "time to think" she thinks we should "seperate" and then she thinks we should be friends! I tried that for a little and then I told her that I can't do it any more it hurts too much! Seeing her and knowing I can't hug her or kiss her like I normally do! Come on!
I really messed this relationship up guys and I need help!

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

I love this girl so much! I made the mistake of trying to keep her in check by saying i want to break up, When i dont mean it at all!

I’m thinking you must be young. That is a stupid game to play. It’s a stupid game to play for a couple reasons. The first is any man that has to threaten his woman with anything to “keep her in check” is not a man. A man “keeps her in check” by standing his ground and not budging from his values and core beliefs but is open enough to allow her to at least view hers. If she yells or whines then you stand your ground but if you have to threaten to leave to get your way then you aren’t a man. You’re a baby.

Threatening baby tactics works in elementary school, some in middle school, less in high school, but in real life they don’t mean a damn thing. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s why I’m guessing your young, like under that age of 21. If your older I’m surprised you’ve gotten away with this for so long. But my point is as your girlfriend gets older she sees the cool guy that she thought had it all together really doesn’t and she begins to see that if you can’t hold a relationship together then you can’t hold yourself together and she’s not interested in that. That’s what babies do and she wants a man.

Another reason this is a stupid game to play is because the very idea of telling her that your going to break up only lets her know that she can’t trust you and should be weary of you. If you do it enough, as you have your eventually just going to have her say, “Okay I’m moving on.”

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

I never wanted to break up with her, I love her! I know, terrible thing to do, but u have to understand, she has hurt me so many times and i kept looking back at the past.

Well you never really say what she’s done so it’s hard to know what you mean by hurt you in the past. But that being said, if your hurting her, and she’s hurting you then what exactly are either one of you getting from this relationship other than a bunch of pain?

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

But for once in my life, im done looking back! i want to move on with her in my life! I finally understand! I just wanted to make her see that if she lost me, what would happen. And for a while, it worked. She kept comming back.And i took her back! But then one day, everything changed. She actually wanted to break up with me. For good this time. Then everything clicked in my head. why did i do this to her, the one i loved with a passion so deep. i must be stupid, so i pleaded with her to stay with me, but she wont. she keeps saying "I need time to think" and i keep telling her lets work through it! but she wont listen.

But why would you expect her to listen? This goes back to that thing I said about people bullying people through school, and make no mistake if you dump someone to get your way, your bullying them with your emotions. That stuff works in school but doesn’t mean jack in the real world.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

She dwells on the past just like i did! and i told her! i said"J look, dwelling on the past has destroyed this relationship. Look at my mistakes, look at what has happened because of me looking back! Dont make the same mistake i did. Please, just let it go and lets just start ova!" But she wont. She can't let go of the past and start over with me, when its so easy,

Again, you don’t say so I don’t want to speculate what happened in the past but whatever it is must not be easy to get over, if you couldn’t for a long time and now she can’t.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

she just does'nt see it anymore, shes finally given up. I made her feel so low, we've been back and fourth struggling trying to keep our relationship alive, her mom hates me because im black and her family wont approve,

With all due respect maybe her mom hates you because sees you as a jerk who keeps toying with her daughters emotions.

If she’s made reference to your race then I guess your right but if I was this girls mother or father I could look beyond your skin to find reasons not be thrilled with the way you treat people. I’m not giving her a pass her because I don’t know exactly what she did to hurt you but I just don’t think being black is the thing that jumps out at me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

my family up in new york loves her they think shes great but my family down south hates the fact that im going out with a white girl and they hate her.

Well I live in Florida, so I sometimes catch a little bit of the ole south, and about 4 years ago I dated a black girl (me being a white male). When I was questioned about this by a neighbor I pointed out something that I think you could point out to your relatives down here. Before the civil rights laws were passed and you had all these marches on both sides of the issue there was one phrase that trumped them all. “Segregation by day, Integration by night.” No matter how bad the races in the Southern United States wanted to claim they hate each other, when push come to shove humans of any color have no problem hooking up.

Is that going to change your families long standing southern beliefs, the truth is no. But to pretend that your doing something immoral or unheard of is not factual either. If there honest they can’t deny people have been sleeping with, in relationships with, and even married to other races, long before the south was segregated.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i love her to death and i dont care what any one thinks!

Nor should you if it’s about race. Again though you don’t say what happened in the past or what she did that hurt you. If they don’t like her because she cheated on you then maybe you should listen to them.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

But how can i try to make this work when she wont even let go of the past, she wont even try to make it work....I just wanted one more chance! I know i can make a difference!

Well you can’t if she doesn’t want you. That’s what I meant earlier about playing that game. You can only do it for so long before it means nothing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

But she just wants "time to think" she thinks we should "seperate" and then she thinks we should be friends! I tried that for a lil and then i told her that i can't do it any more it hurts too much! seeing her and knowing i can't hug her or kiss her like i normally do!? come on!
i really messed this relationship up guys and i need help!

Well the truth is I think you’ve made a lot of mistakes. The ones that happened in the relationship have been covered and I think you even got the message and learned from your mistakes.

Again I’m saying this without knowing what the big problem was from the past, but I think when this was over you should have said to her one time, and one time only, something like “I’ve made some mistakes with you, in regards to how I’ve treated you, how much I value you, and expressing to you how much you mean to me. If you wanted to give this another opportunity I’d be willing to put whatever problems in the past behind us, and move forward together since I have a better understanding of who you are, who I am, and what this relationship means. I’m going to now give you the space you want.”

Then I would have backed away. I think by continuing your friendship with her it allowed her the opportunity to emotionally come down after the relationship. In other words after you dumped her again she may have still had some emotions for you but by moving you into the friend zone she was able to bring them down while still having you around. Thus it made it easier on her. Remember women are so much better at dealing with emotions then men and can control them 100 times better than we can. This was her way of controlling them.

I think for you to have any chance now, and to be honest, I’d say there slim, but for your to have any chance you need to break away completely. Pull back and do not contact her at all. For no reason. The only way you can get her to come back is to have her miss you, but if your there all the time you’ll never create that emotional response in her.

Thanks a lot for the input chuff . I've realized a lot. But now let me get deeper. In the beginning of the relationship when everything was everything, I first met this girl and wanted to date her. So bad, that I decided to ask her mom. Her mom took me in a secluded room looked me dead in my eyes and said... "honestly, i just dont want my daughter dating black people"... that's the 1st incident. I didn't know people were still like that. At the time I didn't know what to think. So I did what I thought best, I told her that her mom didn't want me with her. I never told her why though. So she was crying and begged her mom to give me a chance. The next day she calls me and says her moms going to give me a chance but I was still very uncomfortable about the whole situation. Later I told her and she was shocked, but I told her not to say anything to her mom about it.

That's not even the only problem, my sister, lol man, my sister. Anywayz, my sister talks waaaay too much for her own good, she's a very bad influence, and I tell my girl not to chill with her. So one day I see her chilling with her. I have a question. What do you do when your girl does not listen to you at all? Even when the advice you're giving her is good advice. Anyway this resorts in all kinds of problems meaning less arguments and just nonsense. Even till this day. Plus she told me she was going to the city with her grand parents right? Well my grandmother calls me the next day, come to find out she was in the city with my sister... again... so what am I supposed to do?

There is so much more that she's done. So I did the only thing I thought was right, I started making rules. That's when everything goes nuts. That's when I start the nonsense break up thing I did, and just all sorts of other nonsense. BUT what can I do! She doesn't listen to me, she always finds out the hard way that I was right and she was wrong, over and over.

But for once in my life I'm ready to make amends and move on from the past to have a better future with her and she won't give me a chance! Don't you think I deseve a chance too? I gave her sooo many, I've been through hell and back with this girl so why am I the only one that sees that we can make it work? Why does she have the right to just give up?
I never gave up on her, even when I did do that nonsense I never broke up with her. I always gave her a second chance.

Oh an by the way I'm 21 and she's 18. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

thanx alot for the input chuff . ive relized alot. But now let me get deeper. in the beggining of the relationship when everything was everything, i first met this girl and wanted to date her. So bad, that i decided to ask her mom. Her mom took me in a secluded room looked me dead in my eyes and said..."honestly, i just dont want my daughter dating black people".... thats the 1st incident.

Ouch. Well I stand corrected from my first post then. And to think you were even polite enough to ask her mom and you still got met with rejection.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i didnt know people were still like that.

Yeah look at what Hillary Clinton just got away with this past weekend.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

At the time i didnt know what to think. so i did what i thought best, I told her that her mom didnt want me with her. i never told her why though.

I’ve got to say that’s taking the high road.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

So she was crying and begged her mom to give me a chance. The next day she calls me and says her moms gonna give me a chance but i was still very uncomfortable about the whole situation. Later i told her and she was shocked, but i told her not to say anything to her mom about it.

Well I guess that means she not full blown racist, but a cautious over overprotective racist. What I mean is there are some people who would disown there kids for dating another race and she wasn’t that person. Just somebody cautious about someone dating her daughter that was of another race.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

Thats not even the only problem, my sister, lol man, my sister. Anywayz, my sister talks waaaay too much for her own good, shes a very bad influence, and i tell my girl not to chill with her. so one day i see her chilling with her. i have a question. what do you do when your girl does not listen to you at all? even when the advice youre giving her is good advice.

But you have to let her learn on her own. You can’t control every aspect of her life.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

ne wayz this resorts in all kinds of problems meaning less arguements and just nonsense.

How are less arguments more problems?

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

even till this day. plus she told me she was going to the city with her grand parents right? well my grandmother calls me the next day, come to find out she was in the city with my sister.....again...... so what am i supposed to do?

Well I agree that you have every right to be upset for her lying to you. I just don’t get why she felt she had too. What was she trying to prove?

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

There is so much more that shes done. So i did the only thing i thought was right, i started making rules. Thats when everything goes nuts. Thats when i start the nonsense break up thing i did, and just all sorts of other nonsense. BUT what can i do!? She doesnt listen to me, she always finds out the hard way that i was right and she was wrong, over and over.

And that is exactly where you become a man and she becomes a woman and your relationship is defined.

Let me explain. Your role in a relationship or the role women want from men is to be strong, offer advice of which they will generally not take, be funny and entertaining and an overall rock to her water. She is going to come and ask you for advice but ignore it many times as but she thinks differently than you do. It took me years to get this but some time just take a step back and watch how men and women operate. Have you ever noticed you can talk to a guy for hours about anything and not feel pressured. That’s because most guys think logically and thus can communicate logically with each other much better than we can with women. Women think emotionally and lead with there emotions. The thing is they can talk that way with other women and it makes sense to them like it makes sense to us to talk with other guys. Most guys hate reading a romance novel because it speaks directly to a women’s emotions and when we read just a couple pages we are thinking to ourselves, “what is this crap?” Even though it’s written in English it’s like a foreign language to guys because we don’t think like that.

But the point I’m trying to make is she can have emotional needs met with other women. But you have to let her do her own thing and be solid like a rock. Now having said all this, I’m not giving her a pass because she’s lying to you about where she and who she’s with. That is unacceptable and I’m siding with you on that. If she lying she needs to be called on it and offer an explanation. If she can’t then maybe she not the one for you. You don’t need to spend time with someone that lies to you. If you catch her lying you should call her on it and if she can’t give you an explanation cancel your plans with her for that night or weekend. Let her know there will be consequences for treating you badly with actions, not with more words or through emotions. Being a woman she will always understand emotions better. But you can stand your ground through actions and being tough on what you say and backing it up with actions. Not only does that make you look strong, women like that because women like strong guys and that’s inner strength.

But I’m saying you can’t say to anyone, woman or man for that matter, “don’t do this because I said so” or “this is the rule of life your going to follow“ because they are going to do it and rebel against you. But if you say to a something like, “Look here are reasons A, B and C that I don’t want you to do this and the consequences that are going to happen” that is a better approach. If she does and learns the hard way you just stand firm and revert back to what you said initially. That makes you the rock but not overbearing.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

But for once in my life im ready to make amends and move on from the past to have a better future with her and she wont give me a chance!?

She won’t give you the chance so stand up for yourself and remove her from your life for awhile. Let her know your strong and don’t need her. Make her see that she wants you by showing her what it’s like with you gone.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

Dont you think i deseve a chance too?

I think you deserve a chance if she wants it. But you can’t force it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

i gave her sooo many, ive been thru hell and back with this girl so why am i the only one that sees that we can make it work? Why does she have the right to just give up?

She has the right because she’s half of the relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

I never gave up on her, even when i did do that nonsense i never broke up with her. I always gave her a second chance.

With all due respect, your not giving yourself a second chance. Back up from her and let her miss you. Constantly being there is killing your chances.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

Oh an by the way im 21 and shes 18. maybe that has somthing to do with it.

I think that is does yes.

I’m going to reiterate this again and I think you need to do it for this to work but back up from her. Give yourself some breathing room here.

Thank You! You've Helped Me So Much! I Really Appreciate This! Now Its So Much Clearer, And It Makes So Much Sense, Why We Argue All The Time!
She's Always Trying To Get Me To See It In An Emotional Perspective! And I Never Understand What She's Talking About! And I Always Think She's Wrong Because I Look At It From A Logical Perspective! Hmm, So Basically, Instead Of Completley Blocking Her Veiws Out Thinking She's Wrong All The Time, I Should Open Up And Try And See It From Her Point Of Veiw! And That's Where We Communicate! Which Also Reels In Respect And Understanding! Wooooow.
Why Didn't I See This Before Lol.

Thank You So Much! Well I Guess For Now I Got to Give Her Her Space. Sucks.
But I Love Her, So I Don't Want to Mess This Up. I Guess I Have To.thanx Chuff!

Yea I have another question, I saw a post earlier and the guy said that he has a diff problem from everyone else's, but I think its similar to me in a way.

Let me explain,

Before I let her go on her break, (which has went on for a couple weeks now,still no input from her.)

I would talk with her. Its plain to see she's upset with me, but the point I'm trying to get at is she's very confused as well, I ask her if she wants a relationship with me or not? Because if she doesn't let me know now, she says"no i want a relationship with you, i just think that if we got back together the same thing is going to happen". I tell her "well thats what happens in relationships! theres ups and downs but only the stong survive! lets work through this! she insists that we take a break, she claims shes taking an "alternate route" to fix our relationship and hold us together. but i dont see how. let me elaborate,she takes her break right? ok when she comes back to me, isint it going to be the same thing? arent we going to be faced with the same problems, before she went on her break in the 1st place?
this is why i think shes making a big mistake. we didnt even try to "work things out" before she went on her break, what makes her think that those problems are going to be resolved just by "thinking about them", as she likes to put it.

plus i asked her what does she really want? she says "nothing, I don't know."
then she says "I have so much feelings for you. Half of me wants to stay but half of me wants to leave" then i say "after four years you don't know if you want to be with me or not"!? then she says "I love you but I don't know" then she started crying again.

Plus she also has a problem with saying NO too!
I just don't understand it. Problems arouse, talk to me about it, I'm willing to change, to help heal our relationship, to be a man and help! To understand where she's coming from and listen to her opinions!
But she won't give me a chance! Doesn't she know alls she has to do is open up to me and stop liying to me and everything will work itsself out! I can't help but to appraoch this as a logical matter! But she's all torn between 2 worlds an stuff! What's with this! I'm willing! I just don't understand, she told me she loved me but she won't let me help us! If only she understood, it takes 2 to work things out she'd realize I'm only trying to help!

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

yea i have another question, i saw a post earlier and the guy said that he has a diff problem from everyone elses, but i think its similar to me in a way.

Dude, there always the same. You will see people post here or claim in life that there love is so different and unique and nobody can understand them but the two in the relationship. You what that is - fantasy. That’s the kind of stuff movies are made of and people don’t want to deal with the fact that BILLIONS of other people have been in love and had there heart broken. It sucks, it hurts, and it’s painful. But so does a broken bone, and with time and proper care you anybody can heal a broken bone, just like a broken heart.

The problem with a broken heart is, it’s emotional and that hurts worse than a broken bone so the pain can stay around longer. Sometimes it stays around because people let it and continue dwelling on the past or “what could have been.” But that’s not reality. That’s fantasy. Sometimes you just have to let go and know that it was great for a period but there are better things out there for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

let me explain,

before i let her go on her break, (which has went on for a couple weeks now,still no input from her.)

i would talk with her. its plain to see shes upset with me, but the point im trying to get at is shes very confused as well, i ask her if she wants a relationship with me or not? because if she doesnt let me know now, she says"no i want a relationship with you, i just think that if we got back together the same thing is going to happen". i tell her "well thats what happens in relationships! theres ups and downs but only the stong survive! lets work through this! she insists that we take a break, she claims shes taking an "alternate route" to fix our relationship and hold us together. but i dont see how. let me elaborate,she takes her break right? ok when she comes back to me, isint it going to be the same thing? arent we going to be faced with the same problems, before she went on her break in the 1st place?
this is why i think shes making a big mistake. we didnt even try to "work things out" before she went on her break, what makes her think that those problems are going to be resolved just by "thinking about them", as she likes to put it.

plus i asked her what does she really want? she says "nothing, i dont know."
then she says "i have so much feelings for you. half of me wants to stay but half of me wants to leave" then i say "after four years you dont know if you want to be with me or not"!? then she says "i love you but i dont know" then she started crying again.

plus she also has a problem with saying NO too!
i just dont understand it. problems arouse, talk to me about it, im willing to change, to help heal our relationship, to be a man and help! to understand where shes comming from and listen to her opinions!
but she wont give me a chance! doesnt she know alls she has to do is open up to me and stop liying to me and everything will work itsself out!? i can't help but to appraoch this as a logical matter! but shes all torn between 2 worlds an stuff! whats with this!? im willing! i just dont understand, she told me she loved me but she wont let me help us! if only she understood, it takes 2 to work things out she'd realize im only trying to help!

Your dwelling on all this, which is natural but at some point you have to quit asking questions about the relationship, because as of now it’s over. She’s asked for time to think, and you held up your end of the bargain. You gave it to her. That doesn’t mean you have to sit and wait. She could take a months or she could decide that she doesn’t want to be apart of that anymore. Now you have to start putting together some positive things for yourself. I’m sure you’ve put some things off that you wanted to do, while now is the time to search them out and do it. Make plans for yourself and enjoy what you do.

Take this time to rebuild you mind and well being so that if she does come back your stronger. If she doesn’t you will still be stronger for yourself in the future.

It would help if you could accept the fact that this relationship is broken and learn to get a life that you enjoy and makes you happy without her in your life. It takes time and a lot of hard work, but you will be in a healthier state of mind and make better decisions, And you won't have to hijack other threads with the ranting. We all feel your pain and dissappointment, but you'll get there, just hang in.

Just because on pewrson treated you poorly doesn't mean everyone will. You must stuck one screwed up, unhealthy be-atch.

Your very emotional at this time and your basing all your thoughts and posts here on that position.

Let me just tell you that you are WRONG!

If this is your attitude then it is little wonder your in a broken relationship!

I understand it hurts but everyone here is only trying to help and we base our advice on experience and REALITY. It hurts sometimes but it is better than the hurt that will come your way if you believe everything your thinking and saying right now!

Not the bad guy at all. However you have hijacked almost every thread here and posted the same rant, which in my opinion is wrong.

There are many people here who can testify to that. They are in healthy and loving relationships that have withstood the test of time, and many other things as well.

You do certainly seem a little emotional right now and it is coming through in all your posts. You need to relax a little and try to appreciate what people are trying to say to you.

**EDIT** He deleted a post before mine that I was responding too!

Yes - that's a little much there.

Too bad some girl and I mean girl treated this guy like crap. You can't put your total heart into it for a long time.

Update. Well, I found out the real reason why she took a break, she was cheating on me the whole time. I found out myself. 1st I asked these women what they thought, and they said"yeah its someone else" so then I went searching for the answer and I found it. Not the answer I was looking for but it was true. She was cheating on me. I guess there was one little problem, and she got fed up and started cheating behind my back. Amazing... 4 years I was loyal... and now this, its amazing. Well I broke up with her. I'm doing fine. I still think that relationships are a waste of time,as soon as one person gives up, its automatically over for some reason. I strongly advise the real men who don't cheat to stay single. Seriously, or you'll just end up getting hurt. Its inevitable.

Just like the frog and the scorpion. Women,its in they're nature.

All youth (to varying degrees) plays games out of inexperience until grown up enough to know how to substitute honest communication for games and how to lovingly insist on mutual respect by giving it and requiring it back. Hard lessons but we all learn them... sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I hope for your sake its quickly. You sound like you are awake, aware and willing to learn -- all promising things.

I do take exception to your character assassination of all women though -- definitely not a good thing.
I think that's just your anger talking trash now.

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Originally Posted by alizeblu

i strongly advise the real men who don't cheat to stay single. seriously, or you'll just end up getting hurt. its inevitable.

Just like the frog and the scorpion. women,its in they're nature.

Now don't be pessimistic! Be more optimistic.. in the sense that you found out now.. better than later!

She is a cheat... does not mean all women are cheats... remember that!
Women also get cheated on!
ITS nature!

Quote:

Originally Posted by alizeblu

update. well, i found out the real reason why she took a break, she was cheating on me the whole time. i found out myself. 1st i asked these women what they thought, and they said"yeah its someone else" so then i went searching for the answer and i found it. not the answer i was looking for but it was true. she was cheating on me. i guess there was one little problem, and she got fed up and started cheating behind my back. amazing... 4 years i was loyal...and now this, its amazing. well i broke up with her. I'm doing fine. i still think that relationships are a waste of time,as soon as one person gives up, its automatically over for some reason. i strongly advise the real men who don't cheat to stay single. seriously, or you'll just end up getting hurt. its inevitable.

Just like the frog and the scorpion. women,its in they're nature.

Sorry you had to learn the hard way, but when one partner has other ideas its best to pick up the pieces and move on. Also don't let your anger cloud your judgement, and put the blame on someone else (all women) as you had a part to play in this also. You were the one who vowed to never give up and accepting that this was over, probably for a while. So before you point fingers realised that you made mistakes too. Reread all of the things you've written and think about it. When you are finished with the anger allow yourself to heal and get healthy.

Alizeblu, your angry and hurt and I totally understand and so does everybody else. But your going to live for another 80 years, probably longer and this in the grand sceme of things was just a little time in your life. Trust me you'll get over her and move on and there will be better women out there for you.

But I want to second something Val said, despite all that has gone on and some of your emotional rants you have something that few people have at your age, and that is a willingness to learn. I encourage you take some time and let your emotions calm down and get yourself back in order. I also encourage you to stick around here and just soak up the knowledge here at this board so that when the next girl comes along you will be better prepared.

Trust me, I never had anyone teach me anything, I've learned through trial and error and many times repeating the same sceniro with different woman before I figured some things out. I've also learn a lot just reading other posts here and figuring out what to do. I've often said that I wish I had a site like this 10 years ago and that would put me right about your age. I know you don't see it now, but maybe this whole thing was the best thing that could have happened to you because it sent you in another direction in which you can become a better and smarter person when the next better and smarter woman comes along.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

All youth (to varying degrees) plays games out of inexperience until grown up enough to know how to substitute honest communication for games and how to lovingly insist on mutual respect by giving it and requiring it back. Hard lessons but we all learn them... sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I hope for your sake its quickly. You sound like you are awake, aware and willing to learn -- all promising things.

I do take exception to your character assassination of all women though -- definately not a good thing.
I think that's just your anger talking trash now.

Yea but I'm not trash talking. I'm only speaking from experience, every woman I've been with has cheated on me and I've stayed faithful, so how can you tell me that its not going to happen again? Why should I open my heart to other women when the same things bound to occur? I don't feel I should take this chance any more.

You just have to see where I'm coming from. I treat women with the utmost respect, until they present themselves as lower than women... I went through hell with this girl, and when the fire gets a little hott, you want to bail out on me? I thought we were in this together? Guess not. You know the funny thing too? I was willing to give her another chance, but she wouldn't let me in, its like we were never in love. So angry? Nah, I just don't want that part of my life anymore. Honestly I don't need it. Id rather stay single and party anyday than to devote myself to someone who sneaks behind my back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krs

Now dont be pessimistic! Be more optimistic.. in the sense that you found out now.. better than later!

She is a cheat... does not mean all women are cheats... remember that!
Women also get cheated on!
ITS nature!

And I understand this. But to look at the glass half full, that was the old me. I tried to hang on but I got shut out, and eventually shut down. People give up too easily, and then they cover it up with hopes of a better future. Honestly, when I look at the glass, it seems to be empty to begin with, then we pour something into it, drinking it, drinking it, until eventually there's nothing left, and now we're back where we started... empty.

So why bother? I think ill just let it sit there empty then to try to fill it again. There's just no point in trying anymore. Its bound to happen again, age is nothing but a number, its people.
There's always going to be conflict and change in peoples hearts, so id rather just leave it as it is, and not touch the hott coals again. I really don't want to get burned again. Not ever.

OK look, I'm not saying that all women are cheats, I'm just saying that there's going to be problems in relationships, no matter how big or how small, but the way you handle the problem is what makes or breaks the relationship. From what I've experienced, its easier for people to take the easy way out and give up, rather than taking the harder route and talking things out or at least try to understand what's wrong in the relationship and correcting it. People just don't think that way anymore. They just cover it up and give advice about how to break up, or how to stop thinking about the person , or how to direct all of your emotions to something positive.

I'm pretty sure I'm pessimitic here, but its only because I've seen it from both sides and I've chosen the lesser of 2 evils. Either way it hurts, but this is the way I've chosen to perceive it, helps me out a lot. Other people may be different, but this is the path that I have chosen.

You are not being honest with us or yourself. Reread your own post and you will see that you have been cruel, and manipulative in your relationships as well as controlling, so don't think for a minute that we buy that oh woe is me line your trying to feed us. You have a lot of growing to do whether you want to face it or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sorry you had to learn the hard way, but when one partner has other ideas its best to pick up the pieces and move on. Also don't let your anger cloud your judgement, and put the blame on someone else (all women) as you had a part to play in this also. You were the one who vowed to never give up and accepting that this was over, probably for a while. so before you point fingers realised that you made mistakes too. Reread all of the things you've written and think about it. When you are finished with the anger allow your self to heal and get healthy.

OK look, anger has played a big part in this OK you got me there, but that is an emotion, an irrational act out of confusion, to tell you the truth, I'm not confused anymore. So angry? Nah I'm not angry. Not anymore, after I found out what she did I callmed down a lot.

You see it made me realize that this kind of stuff happens all the time, and not just to me,but the mistake people make is covering it up. You can't cover up your feelings toward another person no matter how hard you try. By this I mean, (allowing yourself to heal)
Physically, you are not wonded. Emotionally yes, but what can't be felt physically obviously can't hurt you, so why keep thinking about past history? Its gone its dead correct? So we just move on. Live with it, learn from it, and just move on.yea it takes time for so called emotional wonds to heal, but honestly, I look at myself in the mirror and I'm fine.

Sticks and stones my friend, sticks and stones.
I'm actually very excited, I haven't been single in 4 YEARS! I can't wait to get out finally and have some fun, rather than wondering what my girlfriend is doing on her so called "break".lol, relationships just aren't for me. So id rather stay sigle and forget about locking myself down to one person for the rest of my life.