Strong feelings for straight male best friend
I'm 30. I met this guy about 10 months ago at a dinner party - he is a few years older than me. We hit it off. I'm single and have been for quite some time. I would consider myself bi, but haven't acted on anything at all recently. I like women sexually, but my focus does seem to have shifted more towards guys. Over the months, have really hit it off with this guy who was going through some severe depression following the breakup from his ex girlfriend (whom I had never met). I was there for him, almost daily chatting, being a shoulder to cry on etc etc. He isn't one to open up easily and nor am I, but somehow we have been able to open up with each other a lot. As time has passed, this has brought us very close indeed. First time I went to his house, following a heavy drinking session, he showed me some homemade videos of him having straight sex. Obviously this turned me on. Over time, and under the influence, things progressed to watching porn together and masturbating in front of each other to the porn. Again, over time, this led to us actually having sexual encounters with one another - always under the influence though. He would always be 'off' the next day, like he felt bad about it from guilt. I never pressured him, nor did I force anything. It just happened. As we got closer to one another, I told him that I do find guys attractive and that I really enjoy the intimate times we spend together. This hasn't happened once between us, its happened many times. We never talk about it after and its never happened sober, so to speak. Anyhow, after over a year of zero contact with his ex girlfriend, he has made contact with her as he claims to have some unanswered questions. Its been just over a month and they are full on back together. I only get to see him when she is busy. I've met her once. She appears to be very controlling over him, to the point of obsession. My friend see each other regularly for beers, and since he has gotten back with her, we've 'played' so to speak twice. We've fallen out twice during this period, because I can see his behaviour has changed and where I was his rock, I now feel superfluous. Its made me realise that I do have feelings for him, but I am not 'out' and I do not want to pursue a relationship with him. I just massively enjoy our intimate times together. We met up for a sober chat over coffee where I have basically told him how I feel. I've told him that I have feelings for him, but not wanting to pursue a relationship with him as I'm not out. He is the only person who knows this about me. He told me that a few years ago (again under the influence) he very nearly had sex with a guy but that he pulled out of it and so nothing happened. He has only done stuff with me. He claims that this is not part of who he is. Is this denial? Could he potentially be bi, but doesn't want to admit it? He always makes a huge point to check out and comment on woman out in bars etc, almost as if he's trying to over compensate. I cherish our friendship above anything, as he does with me. But that extra 'secret' we had, also made it very special to me and he knows that. I'm stuck with what to do. I've since met his girlfriend once, and I was nervous. She knew everything about me and I could sense that I was being analysed. I was very courteous. Until now, he has made every effort to keep us separate. Although after our 'chat', he asked me if I had plans later to which I said no. He replied that if they do something, would I be interested to join to which I replied yes. He told me he'd let me know either way... I never heard anything. He's keeping me at a distance, not like before. I really miss the old him.Please help me guys as I feel very lost and lonely right now.
