Ask Me Help Desk - Reacting to this

I am wondering if you can help me with something I have been struggling to figure out for a few weeks now. I have been dating a girl for awhile now and we both afmit we Love each other very much, I have 2 children from a previous marriage and we waited until we where sure about our relationship before involving the kids. Now that we have done this and she has spent time with them they love her and want to see her. I myself do not see her as much as I would like to because we both are in the same business and to be honest she lives at home right now and feels she needs to be there as much as possible because she feels since she lives there she doesn't want to make her parents feel bad. I think it is mostly her dad and her dad is a lot sensative and thinks I guess all men are controlling. I am not controlling what so ever and have given her ample time to come and go and do the things she loves, putting myself in the " I am here mode" her last boyfriend was controlling and she admitted she would lie to him just so she could go out with he rfriends, I guess she had to, but she stayed in the relationship anyway. To make a long story short I am wondering what do I do since I have noticed a change in th eway she acts on th ephone now, and it seems the little amount of time she would spend just to call to say Ilove you through the day and some of the little things are distant now. I also have my kids every other sat, and Sunday and she and I spend every other weekend together but every Friday, and yes through the week she finds time to come like once or twice. I guess last week out of the blue on Thursday she decides she is now going to tell me she and her girlfriend are going shopping and doing dinner after work, not a problem with that but our time is precious and I think it is somehting they could have done one night when I had the kids. Anyway rather then flip out I think she noticed I was dissapointed and she said I just won't go. I said no you go and I will see you tomorrow night. We did... I am not sure what it is I am asking for here but I guess I have wondered if she may be seeing someone else or is she trying to pull away or is she trying to get me upset enough to pull away from her. I don't know anymore but it is driving me nuts. I don't think she is bothered by this at all and last week when I asked her if we where OK she replied with yes Ilove you everything is fine. I don't want to come out and act like I don't trust her and accuse her of something . But what and how do you treat a girl who loves you and you love but is acting way different. But not when we are together, she just will not open up to me . She also has told me that I have gotten to her heart or deeper then anyone ever has, and she was married for 2 years a long time ago and divorced. But I am thinking that she is in love and does not know how to react because maybe she to is close to the kids and she feels herself changing? I don't know please tell me how to react and if you think I should back off give me an idea because this is the girl I want to spen my life with I just think she is scared and I am panicing here. Right? And how do I come across where she thinks I am not frustrated with her? Right now I feel she is in control and I am there when she needs me, but I don't want to push her away either. Sorry for jumping around here just a lot going on. Please let me know. Thank you I wonder

First, hit the return key more often. Hard to read a big block of text like that. You'll get better responses because people will be able to better read and understand your posts.

I think you are struggling with security.

I think there is nothing in her actions that is worth being paranoid.

If you are looking to her constantly for approval, well that's not too appealing, is it?

She's admitted you have gotten to her. Is it enough? You don't know that yet. And if you don't have the patience to wait it out you are likely to drive her away by being insecure and needy.

Live your life, find some solid ground to stand on, and if you are the right one for her it'll work out in its own time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

first, hit the return key more often. hard to read a big block of text like that. youll get better responses because people will be able to better read and understand your posts.

i think you are struggling with security.

i think there is nothing in her actions that is worth being paranoid.

if you are looking to her constantly for approval, well thats not too appealing, is it?

shes admitted you have gotten to her. is it enough? you dont know that yet. and if you dont have the patience to wait it out you are likely to drive her away by being insecure and needy.

live your life, find some solid ground to stand on, and if you are the right one for her itll work out in its own time.

Thank you, and you are right I am insecure to a point and it has a lot to do with my ex cheeting on me. But still don't you think sudden changes are a little weird? And should I just shut my mouth and go with it?

Its hard to know.

I think if, and it's a big IF, she is thinking twice about the relationship you need to let her work through it without pressure. I mean, in the end your goal is to be with someone who WANTS to be with you, right?

Its not that you want to be with her at all costs.

Now, she might also be self examining because she's trying to decide to take the next step. When I was dating my wife, at the time a single mother of a teen, I took a step back at a critical point to take a minute and determine if I was ready to get serious. So here, a step back didn't mean a step away.

Or... it might have absolutely nothing to do with you. If her time is in demand she might just be stretched thin... and I think it is important to maintain friendships. Its easy to let them go when you are in a relationship... and then I think you also need time to yourself. Just because she could see a friend when you are busy elsewhere doesn't mean that its best for her then.

I think you need to just do your best to give her a little room. If it gets to where your needs aren't being met, then you need to take some action.

The fact she's living at home, I think, means she's still in between ready and not ready to be serious.

All you can do is wait and see. Again, you don't want her to say what you want to hear. You want her to tell the truth, whatever that is.

Give her some time and you'll probably know if there is anything or nothing to be worried about.

If you are spending too much time worrying, its not healthy for you. So think of yourself and your kids first.

I understand, and I thank you ! I guess I am wondering because about two weeks ago she implied we get our own place, and never brought it up again. I know I am parranoid and most likely have no reason. I got to admit if she had not mentioned to me about how gorgeious this guy at the gym was the other night I would not be thinking this. But she also may have been testing me? I don't know but I reacted well to it by saying there is always going to be someone else better looking then you or I. that's just human to look. But I wonder why she would have brought it up. I think it would be a little inapropriate to tell her I thought I saw someone so gorgoeus today and describe her body to her. And I am very secure with myself and how I feel in my skin not cocky. But I carry myself well. I guess you are right though I am not going to panic, I just wish she would talk to me, hell I wish I had the power to not talk all the time about things on my mind. But that's me and she knows everything I think. I guess I see her as lucky because a lot of us wonder. Maybe I should stop talking as much about how I feel what do you think? Maybe let her guess a little. But I don't want to play a game so probably not. Let me know what you think you are very helpull.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

I am wondering if you can help me with something I have been struggling to figure out for a few weeks now. I have been dating a girl for awhile now and we both afmit we Love each other very much, I have 2 children from a previous marriage and we waited untill we where sure about our relationship before involving the kids.

That is a great thing to do. Involving them to soon can be unfair to them and cause more problems if the relationship ends.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

now that we have done this and she has spent time with them they love her and want to see her. I myself do not see her as much as I would like to because we both are in the same buisness and to be honest she lives at home right now and feels she needs to be there as much as possible because she feels since she lives there she doesnt want to make her parents feel bad.

That may be true. It also may be a security blanket. It also may be a fall back excuse. It’s really hard to say but if there older and need assistance maybe she feels this is the time to take care of them. But her parents have nothing to do with the pulling back that your experiencing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

I think it is mostly her dad and her dad is alot sensative and thinks I guess all men are controlling. I am not controlling what so ever and have given her ample time to come and go and do the things she loves, puting myself in the " I am here mode" her last boyfriend was controlling and she admitted she would lie to him just so she could go out with he rfriends, I guess she had to, but she stayed in the relationship anyway. to make a long story short I am wondering what do I do since I have noticed a change in th eway she acts on th ephone now, and it seems the little amount of time she would spend just to call to say Ilove you through the day and some of the little things are distant now.

Do not take this the wrong way, but you sound like a woman. What I mean by that is you are emotional and your leading the relationship with your emotions. The problem is she has girlfriends that lead relationships with emotions. That’s all women talk about. Emotions and emotional situations. She doesn’t want that in a man. She wants some one that acts strong. She wants someone to make a decision and stick to it. She wants a man that uses his logical brain, not his emotional one.

In essence she wants a man, not another girlfriend. If your going to act like a woman then she’s going to blow you off for her other friends because she’s known them longer and she knows that hanging out with them is going to be just the same as hanging out with you. You need to drop all the emotional stuff unless she brings it up. Then you can talk about it. But even then you don’t want to spend hours talking about your emotions. You just answer her questions and move the conversation forward to something else.

She wants a rock - solid, unbreakable, firm, hard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

I also have my kids every other sat, and sunday and she and I spend every other weekend together but every friday, and yes through the week she finds time to come like once or twice. I guess last week out of the blue on thursday she decides she is now going to tell me she and her girlfriend are going shopping and doing dinner after work,

Exactly what I was talking about. She’s going to hang with the girls because they are real women and she can get the same thing out of them that she can get from you. They fill her emotional needs. You need to fill her other ones.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

not a problem with that but our time is precious and I think it is somehting they could have done one night when I had the kids.

It is. Which is exactly why she choose to do it. She’s backing away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

anyway rather then flip out I think she noticed I was dissapointed and she said I just wont go. I said no you go and I will see you tommorow night.

You gave her exactly what she was looking for. An emotional response. Remember women read and communicate through emotions. They are a thousand times better at it then men. When she said that you should have said something like, “Oh that’s great, I’ve actually got some other things I’ve got to take care of and was looking for some extra time. This works out perfectly for me.”

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

we did.... I am not sure what it is I am asking for here but I guess I have wondered if she may be seeing someone else or is she trying to pull away or is she trying to get me upset enough to pull away from her.

Well I’m not sure she’s seeing someone else but it’s obvious she’s pulling away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

I dont know anymore but it is driving me nuts. I dont think she is bothered by this at all and last week when I asked her if we where ok she replied with yes Ilove you everything is fine. I dont want to come out and act like I dont trust her and accuse her of something . but what and how do you treat a girl who loves you and you love but is acting way diffrent.

Well she’s acting different because you’ve become too emotional and insecure with her. You go to her with all for all the emotional stuff and she needs to come to you in that regard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

but not when we are together, she just will not open up to me .

Because you are trying to force it. A woman needs to open up to you on her conditions, not yours.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

she also has told me that I have gotten to her heart or deeper then anyone ever has, and she was married for 2 years a long time ago and divorced.

That means nothing. Women say a lot of things and stuff like that is used to keep you in “emotional check.” What I mean by that is, you’re an emotional man and women are emotional creatures. They use, understand, and apply emotions much better than then men do. Saying “you’ve got deeper in my heart then any other guy” is a way to make you stay in emotional check. It makes you think your doing a good job in the relationship so she can keep control over you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

but I am thinking that she is in love and does not know how to react because maybe she to is close to the kids and she feels herself changing? I dont know please tell me how to react and if you think I should back off give me an idea because this is the girl I want to spen my life with I just think she is scared and I am panicing here. right? and how do I come across where she thinks I am not frustrated with her? right now I feel she is in controll

Oh she is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I WONDER

and I am there when she needs me, but I dont want to push her away either. sorry for jumping around here just alot going on. please let me know. thank you I wonder

She wants you to be solid like a rock. First she leads the relationship which she doesn’t want. Second your leading yourself with your emotions which makes you come off in a woman’s eyes as weak.

I think you need to quit calling her at all. Let her call you. Then pull back and let her orient herself to you, as opposed to this situation in which you are oriented on her. That’s a lot of pressure for her to be under and that’s not what women want. You need to pull back and let her come to you. If you go to her that drives women away.

When she calls don’t be so eager to talk. Talk for 5 minutes then tell her you’ve got something to do and that she can call you back tomorrow. Be not so available to her. The way you have it set up now is that because you have so little time with her you jump at every chance to be with her. That comes off as desperate and needy. You need to act like she you are doing her a favor if you let her spend time with you because in a way you are. You’ve got other priorities in life so to give your time to her is truly giving up something valuable. But if you whine or seem depressed when she backs out of something or jump at the chance to see her at all times you time doesn’t come off as all that valuable.

Its not unusual to be insecure, but when it affects the thinking, and decision making process, then it needs to be worked on. A guy with kids doesn't have a lot of time to give other areas of his life, so a balance must be kept as you and your g/f have separate lives, to attend to. Put the insecurities behind and enjoy your kids, and g/f and the fellows in the own time and place. You cannot control another so be happy, and let her be happy.