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-   -   My wife had a past (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=678986)

  • Jul 4, 2012, 10:26 PM
    manas2712
    My wife had a past
    Background:
    I got married to her on 13th April 2012 in an arranged marriage.
    It was as if I was at top of world and was very happy.
    She had told me earlier before marriage that she had infatuation and that it was towards the end of college days and they never met afterwards.
    After a week of marriage, at idle, I was going through her mails and came to know that she had a boy friend for more than 3 years and they loved each other.
    She started crying when I discovered the mails. That day she sweared to GOD and said she had not have sex with anyone except me.

    I forwarded all her mails my account and started scrutinizing and found that she used to invite her boy friend to her place for nights.(Earlier she said no)
    She had a vacation at Puri with him(Earlier she told that she went with 2 boys and 2 girls.)
    She had been talking for hours with her boyfriend everyday until 5 days before marriage on phone.
    So, finally she says that she had done everything on the upper half, but she has not have sex and is ready for polygraph test.
    I have also found other chats with some guys which only lovers would do.

    I feel the pain everyday and am unable to digest that she had sexual experiences earlier, while I never had relations with any girl before marriage. Sometimes I feel cheated, sometimes I feel like dying, sometimes I feel like leaving her or divorcing her but this would be a difficult choice for both of us as it will destroy both.

    Please note I want answers only from people who have experienced this situation, and would also like to know how they are doing today
  • Jul 4, 2012, 10:38 PM
    odinn7
    Please Note- You can't dictate who will and will not answer your questions on this site. Thanks.

    So anyway... it was an arranged marriage? So she was in love with someone before your marriage was arranged... hmmm... That is too bad. It's too bad that she was taken away from someone she loves so she could marry someone else that her parents wanted her to marry. Now you expect her to just somehow erase her past and the fact that someone else mattered to her before you?

    What an outdated system. I hope you get over yourself soon.
  • Jul 4, 2012, 10:44 PM
    Alty
    I feel very bad for her. She obviously fell in love with someone, but instead of being allowed to marry for love she was forced to marry you because of some outdated religious belief.

    Yes she has a past. But, even though she's in love with someone else, she followed her parents wishes and married you.

    If you can't forget that she's human and had a relationship before she married you then divorce her.

    You can't change her past, no matter how much you wish it didn't happen. She is who she is, and she's done what she's done. Either accept it, or set her free.
  • Jul 4, 2012, 10:59 PM
    manas2712
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by manas2712 View Post
    Background:
    I got married to her on 13th April 2012 in an arranged marriage.
    It was as if I was at top of world and was very happy.
    She had told me earlier before marriage that she had infatuation and that it was towards the end of college days and they never met afterwards.
    After a week of marriage, at idle, I was going through her mails and came to know that she had a boy friend for more than 3 years and they loved each other.
    She started crying when I discovered the mails. That day she sweared to GOD and said she had not have sex with anyone except me.

    I forwarded all her mails my account and started scrutinizing and found that she used to invite her boy friend to her place for nights.(Earlier she said no)
    She had a vacation at Puri with him(Earlier she told that she went with 2 boys and 2 girls.)
    She had been talking for hours with her boyfriend everyday until 5 days before marriage on phone.
    So, finally she says that she had done everything on the upper half, but she has not have sex and is ready for polygraph test.
    I have also found other chats with some guys which only lovers would do.

    I feel the pain everyday and am unable to digest that she had sexual experiences earlier, while I never had relations with any girl before marriage. Sometimes I feel cheated, sometimes I feel like dying, sometimes I feel like leaving her or divorcing her but this would be a difficult choice for both of us as it will destroy both.

    Please note I want answers only from people who have experienced this situation, and would also like to know how they are doing today
    To add: Her boy friend never wanted to marry her so she finally decided to move on and get married.

    Again, I want answers from some one who has had a similar experience.
  • Jul 4, 2012, 11:04 PM
    Alty
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by manas2712 View Post
    To add: Her boy friend never wanted to marry her so she finally decided to move on and get married.

    Again, I want answers from some one who has had a similar experience.
    Again, you cannot dictate who answers your question. This is a worldwide site, and anyone that's a member can answer your question. You are not allowed to state who can and can't. Do you understand?

    So what if the boyfriend didn't want to marry her? Does that change anything? The fact is she's with you, she married you. She made a choice, but now that you know about her past you can't let it go. It's you who has to choose now.

    Either accept that the past is the past, or divorce her. Those are your options. You have no right to make her life miserable because you can't accept something that happened before the two of you got married.
  • Jul 4, 2012, 11:07 PM
    manas2712
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Alty View Post
    Again, you cannot dictate who answers your question. This is a worldwide site, and anyone that's a member can answer your question. You are not allowed to state who can and can't. Do you understand?

    So what if the bf didn't want to marry her? Does that change anything? The fact is she's with you, she married you. She made a choice, but now that you know about her past you can't let it go. It's you who has to choose now.

    Either accept that the past is the past, or divorce her. Those are your options. You have no right to make her life miserable because you can't accept something that happened before the two of you got married.
    Dear Alty,

    I want the perspective of a person who has experienced the pain. Please don't mind.

    Thanks!
  • Jul 4, 2012, 11:11 PM
    Alty
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by manas2712 View Post
    Dear Alty,

    I want the perspective of a person who has experienced the pain. Please dont mind.

    Thanks!
    That's fine, if they want to answer, they're more than welcome to. But you cannot dictate that only those people are allowed to answer your question.

    Just because that's what you want doesn't mean that's what you're going to get. But this does explain your obsession with what's going on in your marriage. You seem to think that if you want it, it should be that way, no matter what.

    I don't think you're that upset that she had a past boyfriend. I think you're upset because you wanted a virgin bride, and you may not have gotten one, even though she states that they never had sex.

    Keep in mind that we all volunteer here. No one has to answer your question, we get to pick which questions we want to answer, because we don't get paid to do this. So, be happy that you're getting a response, and show a little respect to the people that took the time to answer your question.

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